South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut

South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut

Cast
The Americans
The Marshes (Randy, Sharon, Shelley, Stan)
The Broflovskis (Gerald, Sheila, Kyle, Ike)
The Cartmans (Liane, Eric)
The McCormicks (Stuart, Kenny, mom)
Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat
Mr. Mackey
Chef
Gregory from Yardale
Wendy Testaburger
Clyde Goodman
Other third-graders
Christophe the Mole and his mom
Bijou ticket clerk
News reporters, including a midget in a bikini
Dr. Gouache and the staff of Hell's Pass Hospital
Female Heavenly Bodies
Dr. Vosknocker
Satan and Saddam Hussein (and harem dancers)
UN delegates
Jimbo Kern and Ned Gerblansky
Four-star General and the Army
Yippie, the back-flipping dog
Guard dogs
The Celebrities
The Baldwin Brothers (William, Alec, Daniel, Stephen)
Conan O'Brien
Brooke Shields
Brian Dennehy
Bill Clinton
Bill Gates
Big Gay Al
Winona Ryder
The Canadians
Terrance and Phillip
Canadian Minister of Movies
Canadian Ambassador
Canadian Air Force
Canadian Army
And… The Clitoris

Saturday, September 2, 2000 — Thanks to the many readers who have sent and who continue sending small corrections to the text and the lyrics, and additions to the secrets.
Monday, November 29, 1999 — Well, the DVD is out. I bought it and checked out the closed-captioning. Boy, are there changes!

Intro:

[Instrumental. Stan exits his house and heads towards town. He scoops up some snow and tosses it in the air, then dances as it falls on him. As he passes by TELE'S, various episodes of Terrance and Phillip play on the televisions behind the window. Then he runs into a man carrying a box full of stuff, then moves on]

Stan:

[relaxed] There's a bunch of birds in the sky,
And some deers just went running by.
Oh, the snow's pure and white on the earth rich and brown!
Just
A-
nother Sunday morning in my
quiet
mountain
town.
[brisk] The sun is shining and the grass is green
Under the three feet of snow, I mean.
This is the day when it's hard to wear a frown!

All the happy people stop to say "hello,"

Townsman:

Get out of my way!

Stan:

Even though the temperature's low.
It's a perfect Sunday morning in my
quiet
little
mountain
town.

[Stan crosses the street and reaches Tom's Rhinoplasty, where his mom, Sharon, works as the receptionist. Sharon sees him, and he soon shows her a movie ad]

Sharon:

Well, good morning, Stan!

Stan:

Mom! Can I have eight dollars to see a movie?

Sharon:

A movie?

Stan:

Yeah. It's gonna be the best movie ever. It's a foreign film, from Canada.

Sharon:

All right, here you go. But be back for supper!

Stan:

Thanks, mom!

[He leaves and walks brightly down the street. She watches him until he reaches Kenny's house, then returns to work]

Sharon:

Oh, what a picture-perfect child!
Just like Jesus, he's tender and mild.
He'd wear a smile while he wore a thorny crown.

What an angel, with a heart so sweet and sure.
And a mind so open and pure.
Thank God we live in this
quiet
redneck
mountain
town!

[Kenny's house. Stan walk up and knocks]

Stan:

Dude! Dude, wake up! [Kenny rises and gets dressed] Kenny, come on!

Kenny:

[tightens his hood] (Coming!)

Stan:

Kenny! The Terrance and Phillip movie is out. You wanna come?

Kenny:

(Yeah, dude. Come on, let's go.) [they walk away…]

Mrs. McCormick:

[appearing at the door] Where do you think YOU're going?

Kenny:

(To the Terrance and Phillip movie.)

Mrs. McCormick:

You can't! You have to go to church!

Kenny:

(But Mom, I wanna see this movie!)

Mrs. McCormick:

Well, fine. Go ahead and miss church. And then, when you die and go to hell, YOU CAN ANSWER TO SATAN!

Kenny:

(…Okay!)

[Stan and Kenny walk away and step over a homeless man on the street. They pass the church they should have gone into for Sunday services]

Stan:

You can see your breath hanging in the air.
You see homeless people, but you just don't care.
It's a sea of smiles in which we'd be glad to drown!

Kenny:

(Don't you know? It's like a perfect winter day
And that I'm glad I can say)

Stan:

That's right! It's Sunday morning [with church choir] in our
quiet
little
white-bread
redneck
mountain
town!

[Kyle plays with Ike outside the house]

Ike:

Bah bah bababah!

Kyle:

Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!

Ike:

Don't kick the baby.

Kyle:

Kick the baby. [kicks Ike through the window, and Ike squeals with delight]

Sheila:

Ike! You broke another window! That's a bad baby! Baaad baby!

[Stan and Kenny reach Kyle's house]

Stan:

Kyle! We're going to the Terrance and Phillip movie!

Kyle:

Oh my God, dude! [begins to walk away with Stan and Kenny]

Sheila:

Kyle, where are you going?!

Kyle:

Uuh. We're going ice-skating.

Sheila:

Well, take your little brother out with you.

Kyle:

Aw, ma. He's not even my real brother. He's adopted.

Sheila:

Do as I say, Kyle!!

Kyle:

Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

[The boys leave, and Sheila goes back in and begins to sing. Near the end of her part she dances across the living room and ends with a high kick as Gerald reads the morning paper.]

Sheila:

Look at those frail and fragile boys,
It really gets me down.
The world is such a rotten place,
And city life's a complete disgrace!
That's why I moved to this
redneck
meshuggeneh
qui-
et
moun-
tain
town!
[Ike flies through the other window] Ike! Bad baby! [he hops out and away]

Ike:

Tay for a bah.

[Cartman watches TV and munches on Cheesy Poofs]

Announcer:

This program is brought to you by Snacky S'mores, the creamy fun of s'mores in a delightful cookie crunch. [the doorbell rings]

Cartman:

Mom, somebody's at the door!

Liane:

Coming, hon. [passes by in front of him]

Cartman:

Ey! I can't see the TV!

Reporter:

It's been six weeks since Saddam Hussein was killed by a pack of wild boars, and the world is still glad to be rid of him.

Liane:

Oh, look, Eric. It's your little friends. [the boys enter]

Ike:

Torry mayam!

Cartman:

What are you guys doing here?! [they show him the movie ad] Oh. Sweet, dude! Yes! Yes!!

[All five boys now head for the theater]

The boys:

[regal, quickening] Off to the movies we shall go,
where we learn everything that we know,
'Cause the movies teach us what our parents don't have time to say!
And this movie's gonna make our lives complete,
[slowing] 'Cause Terrance and Phillip are sweet.

Cartman:

Super sweet!

The boys:

Thank God we live in a
quiet
little
redneck
podunk
white-trash

Kenny:

(Kick-ass!)

The boys:

U… S… A!!!

Stan:

[now at the ticket booth] Can I have five tickets to Terrance and Phillip: Asses of Fire, please?

Clerk:

NO!!!

Kyle:

What do you mean, "No"?

Clerk:

Terrance and Phillip: Asses of Fire has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America. You have to be accompanied by a parent or guardian.

Kyle:

But why?

Clerk:

Because this movie has naughty language! Next please. [three bigger, older kids move in and buy their tickets.]

Stan:

This, this can't be happening!

Kyle:

[the boys start to walk away] We have to see this movie, dude!

Cartman:

Aw, screw it! It probably isn't all that good anyway.

Kyle:

Cartman, what are you talking about?! You love Terrance and Phillip.

Cartman:

Yeah, but the animation's all crappy. [the camera shows the boys walking in a very jerky manner, almost bouncing]

Stan:

Wait, I've got an idea! [smiles]

[The Bijou ticket booth. The boys are back, this time with the bum Stan and Kenny encountered earlier. He holds their money.]

Bum:

Uh, hi. I want six tickets to Asses of Fire.

Clerk:

This movie might not be appropriate for your little ones.

Bum:

[leans down to speak to Stan] Hey, he says this movie isn't appropriate for you.

Stan:

Look, Mr. Homeless Guy: If you don't wanna buy us tickets, and not get your ten bucks, and not go buy yourself a bottle of vodka, then be my guest!

Bum:

Six tickets, please. [the clerk rings them up]

[The theater, inside. The boys sit in the front row. They have their treats, but Cartman is practically buried under his. The bum is not with them.]

Kyle:

Let me have some candy, Cartman.

Cartman:

Oh, let's see. [looks over his stash] Uuuh nope, I don't have any Jewish candy.

Kyle:

What, d'you really need all that chocolate, fat boy?!

Ike:

Ba ba ba ba.

Stan:

Shh, the movie's starting! [A large ass appears on screen wearing shorts, with the film title appearing over it.]

The boys:

Hooray!

Phillip:

Say, Terrance, what did the Spanish priest say to the Iranian gynecologist?

Terrance:

I don't know, Phillip. What? [Phillip farts on Terrance's face, and both get into hysterics over it]

Stan:

Where do they come up with this stuff?

Terrance:

You're such a pigfucker, Phillip!

Kyle:

[the boys gasp] What did he say?

Phillip:

Terrance, why would you call me a "pigfucker"?

Terrance:

Well, let's see. First of all, you fuck pigs.

Phillip:

[thinks] Oh yeah! [both giggle]

Terrance:

Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch! [both giggle]

Phillip:

Oh, you shitfaced cockmaster!

The boys:

[awestruck] Wow!

Cartman:

"Shitfaced cockmaster."

Terrance:

Listen, you donkey-raping shiteater,—

Kyle:

"Donkey-raping shiteater."

Ike:

"Dobee babing sheeteater."

Terrance:

—you'd fuck your uncle!

Phillip:

You'd fuck your uncle!

Terrance:

Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka!
You're a cock-sucking ass-licking uncle fucka!
You're an uncle fucka; yes, it's true!
Nobody fucks uncles quite like you!

Phillip:

Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka!
You're the one that fucked your uncle, uncle fucka!
You don't eat or sleep or mow the lawn;
You just fuck your uncle all day long!

[Terrance and Phillip trade fart sequences] Hm.
[more farts, then they laugh. They fart their way out of the house and onto an intersection hamdled by a mountie. They dance and fart around him, raising his hat off his head several times.]

Mountie:

What's going on here?
[Terrance and Phillip fart, then the mountie farts, then drivers arond them fart as well. Audience members begin to rush out while the boys dance in their seats]

Woman:

What garbage!

Man:

Well, what do you expect? They're Canadian.

Choir:

Uncle
Fucka
Uncle Fucka Uncle Fucka
Uncle
Fucka
[By this time all the Canadians are dancing and farting wildly]

Terrance and Phillip:

Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka! (Uncle fucka)
You're a boner-biting bastard, uncle fucka!

Terrance:

You're an uncle fucka, I must say.

Phillip:

Well, you fucked your uncle yesterday!

Terrance and Phillip:

(Ha ha ha) Uncle fu-cka, that's U N C L E. Fuck you!
Uncle fuckaaaaaaaaaaa! [all freeze]

Phillip:

Suck my balls.

[Outside, three hours later. The doors open and the boys walk out and past the booth]

Kyle:

Dude, that movie was fucking sweet!

Cartman:

You bet your fucking ass it was!

Stan:

Fuck dude, I wanna be just like Terrance and Phillip!

Clerk:

[sees them] Hey, wait a minute! Where's your guardian?!

Kyle:

Huh? [the four of them look at the clerk]

Clerk:

I knew it! You paid a homeless guy to get you in, didn't you?!

Cartman:

Fuck off, you donkey-raping shiteater! [farts and begins to walk away. The others follow.]

Kyle:

Yeah! Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka.

The boys:

You're an ass-licking ball-sucking uncle fucka…

[Stark's Pond, afternoon. Many of the third graders skate over its frozen surface. Stan and his friends arrive and stand on the bank.]

Clyde:

[skates up to them] Hey, where have you guys been all day?

Stan:

Oh, nowhere. We just went to go see the Terrance and Phillip movie!

Bebe:

[all the kids turn and gasp, then crowd in on the boys] You already saw it?

Clyde:

How'd you get in?

Cartman:

Hey, stop crowding us, you shitfaced cockmasters!

Kids:

[awestruck] Wow!

Stan:

Yeah, you're all a bunch of ass-ramming uncle fuckers!

Kids:

[impressed] Ooo!

Clyde:

[to Token] We have got to see this movie, dude.

Kyle:

Terrance and Phillip are Canadian, just like my brother.

Stan:

[Wendy comes into view, and a song plays in his mind]
There's the girl that I like.

Cartman:

Hey, Stan. Tell about when Terrance called Phillip a testicle-shitting rectal wart.

Stan:

Now, more than ever, she gives me butterflies.
It makes my stomach queasy every time she walks by.

Cartman:

Asshole, I'm talkin' to you!

Stan:

I know I can be cool if I try.
[smiles. Wendy knows he's there and comes at him spinning in the air in a triple Lutz before landing before him. He gets ice all over his face.]

Wendy:

Hi, Stan! [he vomits on her] Gross!

Gregory:

[skates up next to her] Come, Wendy. Let us try to jump the hilly brush.

Stan:

[dusts himself off] Who are you, kid?!

Gregory:

My name is Gregory. I just transferred from Yardale, where I had a 4-0 grade point average.

Wendy:

Wanna skate with us?

Gregory:

We've been skating all morning, and laughing, and talking of memories past.

Stan:

We saw the Terrance and Phillip movie.

Gregory:

[aloof] Oh ho. Try and catch me, Wendy! [skates off]

Wendy:

[sadly] Bye, Stan. [turns and skates away slowly]

Cartman:

Yes, yes, I saw the Terrance and Phillip movie. Who wants to touch me?… I said, WHO WANTS TO FUCKIN' TOUCH ME?!

Butters:

[touching Cartman] Oooo.

Clyde:

Come on, gang. We've gotta see the Terrance and Phillip movie, too! [the kids skate away. Only Cartman and Kenny remain]

Cartman:

I hate you, Kenny. [Kenny looks back in anger]

[Mr. Garrison's classroom, Monday. The kids dance on their seats and sing away]

Kids:

Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka
You're a boner-biting bastard, uncle fucka
You're an uncle fuck—
[the doorknob turns and all fall silent. Their teacher enters and speaks to them through Mr. Hat]

Mr. Hat:

Okay, children, let's take our seats. We have a lot to learn today.

Mr. Garrison:

We sure do, Mr. Hat. [Wendy and Gregory sit next to each other in the back row, left. Stan looks at them from across the room] Okay, children, let's start the day with a few new math problems. [writes a problem on the board.] What is five times two? …Come on children, don't be shy. Just give it your best shot. [Clyde smiles and raises his hand] Yes, Clyde?

Clyde:

Twelve?

Mr. Garrison:

Okay. Now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard. Anyone?… Come on, don't be shy.

Kyle:

[raises his hand] I think I know the answer, Mr. Garrison.

Cartman:

[mocking] Muh muh muh muh muh muh, muh muh muh.

Kyle:

[shoots back] Shut up, fatboy!

Cartman:

Ey! Don't call me fat, you fuckin' Jew!

Mr. Garrison:

Eric! Did you just say the F-word??

Cartman:

…Jew?

Kyle:

No, he's talkin' about "fuck." You can't say "fuck" in school, you fuckin' fatass.

Mr. Garrison:

Kyle!

Cartman:

Why the fuck not?

Mr. Garrison:

Eric!

Stan:

Dude, you just said "fuck" again!

Mr. Garrison:

Stanley!

Kenny:

(Fuck.)

Mr. Garrison:

Kenny!

Cartman:

What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

Mr. Garrison:

How would you like to go see the school counselor?!

Cartman:

How would you like to suck my balls? [the class gasps]

Mr. Garrison:

What did you say?! [his jaw just hangs there]

Cartman:

Oh, I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was: [picks up a bullhorn, turns it on, and speaks] "How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?!"

Stan:

Holy shit, dude.

[Mr. Mackey's office. Outside, Craig sits, waiting for his turn with Mr. Mackey. He sighs. Inside, the foursome are seated in a row before Mr. Mackey.]

Mr. Mackey:

Well, I must say I'm very disappointed in you boys, m'kay? You should be ashamed of yourselves! Now I've already called in your mothers, but—

Kyle:

[scared] You called my mom?

Mr. Mackey:

That's right.

Kyle:

[frightened] Oh no, dude!

Cartman:

Mr. Mackey, can I ask a question?

Mr. Mackey:

M'kay, what?

Cartman:

What's the big fuckin' deal, bitch?

Stan:

Yeah.

Mr. Mackey:

Oh! N-now I wanna know where you heard these horrific obscenities, m'kay?!

Stan:

Nowhere.

Kyle:

Uh, we heard them from Mr. Garrison a few times before.

Stan:

Yeah!

Mr. Mackey:

Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr. Garrison ever said, uh, "Eat penguin shit, you ass-spelunker."

Cartman:

[the boys laugh] Hee hee hee, sweet! [their mothers enter and the laughter dies]

Stan:

Uh-oh!

Mr. Mackey:

Thank you all for coming on such short notice.

Sharon:

This just isn't like you, Stanley.

Sheila:

What did my son say Mr. Mackey? Did he say the S-woid?

Mr. Mackey:

[passively] No, it was worse than that.

Sheila:

[a bit alarmed] The F-woid?

Mr. Mackey:

Well, here's a short list of the things they've been saying, m'kay? [hands the list to Sheila. The mothers look over it]

Sharon:

Oh dear God!

Sheila:

What the heck is a rimjob?

Liane:

Oh, why that's when you put your legs behind your head and have someone lick your ass! [the other moms look at her, then Sheila focuses on Kyle]

Sheila:

Young man, you will tell Mr. Mackey this instant where you heard all these horrible phrases!

Kyle:

I… I…

Stan:

We can't tell you. We all took a sacred oath and swore ourselves to secrecy.

Cartman:

It was the Terrance and Phillip movie.

Stan:

Dude!

Cartman:

What? Fuck you guys! I wanna get out of here.

Sheila:

Terrance and Phillip? Those Canadians??

Mr. Mackey:

Excuse me, what the heck is "Terrance and Phillip?"

Sheila:

Terrance and Phillip are two very untalented actors from Canada. Nothing but foul language and toilet humor.

Mr. Mackey:

Well, I guess I'll have to send a warning letter out to parents before more children see Terrance and Phillip!

Cartman:

Everybody's fuckin' seen it.

Liane:

Eric!

Cartman:

I'm sorry, I can't help myself. That movie has warped my fragile little mind.

[The cafeteria, lunchtime. The camera pans across the room and stops at the boys waiting in line. Stan looks as Wendy as she lunches with Gregory. She and Gregory are deep in conversation.]

A Boy:

[reviewing his sandwich] My mom gave me egg again.

Stan:

[thinks] There's the girl that I like.
Over there laughing with that smart ne—

Cartman:

Ey! You're holding up the God-damned lunch line!

[The kitchen. The boys go in to get their lunches.]

Chef:

Hello there, children!

The boys:

Hey, Chef.

Chef:

How's it goin'?

The boys:

Bad.

Chef:

Why bad?

Kyle:

We got busted for swearing. Our moms said we can't ever see the Terrance and Phillip movie again!

Chef:

Oh, that's too bad.

Cartman:

You shoulda seen Kyle when his mom showed up. He was scared out of his mind, heh heh.

Kyle:

Shut up, Cartman!

Cartman:

No, dude, I'd be scared too. Your mom's a fuckin' bitch.

Kyle:

Don't call my mom a bitch, you fat fuck!

Cartman:

Don't call me fat, you buttfuckin' son of a bitch!

Chef:

Whoa, children! Where did you learn to talk like that?

Cartman:

[exiting] It's pretty fuckin' sweet, huh? [Kyle and Kenny join him]

Stan:

[tarrying] Chef, how do you make a woman like you more than any other guy?

Chef:

Oh, that's easy. You just gotta find the clitoris. [serves up some mashed potatoes]

Stan:

Huh?

Chef:

Ooops!

Stan:

What does that mean, "find the clitoris"?

Chef:

Uh… uh, forget I said anything. Move along, children, you're holdin' up the line!

[The cafeteria. Stan rejoins the boys just outside the kitchen exit, then walks with them]

Stan:

You guys! Do you know where I can find the "clitoris"?

Kyle:

The what?

Cartman:

What, is that like finding Jesus or something?

Mr. Mackey:

[over the PA] Attention, students! We are now enforcing a new dress code at South Park Elementary. Terrance and Phillip shirts are no longer allowed in school. Anyone wearing a Terrance and Phillip shirt is to be sent home immediately. [as he speaks, several kids stop and their shirts are seen. A boy wears one that says "Ass Power," and a girl wears one that says, "COCKMASTER."]

Kids:

Hooray! [they rush out in a hurry. Only Wendy and Gregory remain, and they don't look too happy.]

[WORLD NEWS: The devastating impact of Terrance and Phillip]

Tom:

[news anchor] The R-rated Canadian film, Asses of Fire, is number one at the box office. But is the film destroying American youth? Here with a special report is a midget in a bikini.

Midget:

[in a bikini, across the street from the Bijou] Thanks, Tom! It appears that the effects of the Canadian comedy are far-reaching, indeed. All over America, children seem to be influenced. Like at this spelling bee in Washington.

[Washington State Spelling Bee. Three finalists are left on stage. One with big hair and glasses stands next to a slate]

Proctor:

Alright, this is for the silver medal: spell "forensics."

Contestant:

Hell, fuck that! Why should I fucking have to spell "forensics"?

Other contestants:

[jump gleefully] Yeahahah! Woohoo!

Contestant:

Here you go. [writing on slate] S-U-C-K M-Y A-S-S, [steps aside and faces the audience] "forensics."

[Return to Midget reporting. He stands next to a chart comparing Terrance and Phillip's new single to other new singles]

Midget:

Tom, the devastating impact of the Canadian duo can also be seen with their new hit song, "Shut Your Fucking Face, Uncle Fucka."

[The Uncle Fucka rap video. RuPaul is among the people dancing in it]

Phillip:

Shut your fucking face, uncle fuck-ah

Terrance:

You're a boner-biting bastard, uncle fuck-ah

Phillip:

A-a a-a a a. Fuck!
Thought I told you that we won't stop. Fuck!
Thought I told you that we won't stop

[Return to Midget]

Midget:

Back to you, Tom.

Tom:

Thanks, Midget. Shocking report! The controversy began in the small mountain town of South Park, where the local PTA is trying to ban the movie. With us tonight is the head of the PTA, Sheila Broflovski…

Sheila:

[from home] Hello, Tom.

Tom:

…and the Canadian minister of movies.

Minister:

[from home] Thanks for havin' me, buddy.

Tom:

Minister, parents are concerned about your country's entertainment. Your thoughts?

Minister:

Well, the film is R-rated, and it's not intended for children to—

Sheila:

Well, but of course children are gonna see it!

Minister:

Can I finish? The fact is that we Canadians are quite surprised by your outrage.

Sheila:

You just don't care!

Minister:

Can I finish? Hello? Can I-can I finish? The United States has graphic violence on television all the time. We can't believe that a movie with some foul language would piss you off so much.

Sheila:

[draws close to camera] Because it's evil!

Minister:

Can I finish? Please, can I finish?! [long pause] Okay, I'm finished.

Anchor:

But Mr. Minister, it isn't like this film is the first troublesome thing to come out of Canada. Let us not forget Bryan Adams.

Minister:

Now, now. The Canadian government has apologized for Bryan Adams on several occasions.

Sheila:

You Canadians are all the same. With your beady little eyes and flapping heads. Yuh- you're trash!

Minister:

I resent that! I find that racist, and—

Sheila:

Our children are now addicted to your filth!

Minister:

You are a racist, ma'am! You are a racist!

Sheila:

[full screen] It is going to take us weeks to erase the damage this film has done to our children!

[South Park Elementary. Some of the kids are in a large room, like a nursery. Mr. Mackey is there, with the kids seated in chairs in a circle. Gregory sits to his right, Cartman to his left.]

Mr. Mackey:

Uh, kids, I wanna welcome you to Rehabilitation, m'kay? Your mothers insisted that you be taken from your normal schoolwork and placed into Rehab to learn not to swear.

Gregory:

I must say, I don't think I belong with these rogues. I attended school at Yardale, and had a 4-0 grade point average.

Cartman:

[answers] You're a fuckin' faggot, dude.

Mr. Mackey:

M'kay, you see children? This is exactly what I'm talkin' about. We have to get you off of foul language.

Kyle:

How are we gonna do that?

Mr. Mackey:

Well, listen here. [walks over to a piano and starts playing]
There are times when you get suckered in
By drugs and alcohol and sex with women, m'kay,
But it's when you do these things too much
That you've become an addict and must get back in touch.
[fast. He grabs the piano stool and a cane, and puts on a vaudeville hat. He dances back to the group as the piano plays itself.]
You can do it. It's all up to you, m'kay?
With a little plan you can change your life today.
You don't have to spend your life addicted to smack,
Homeless on the streets, giving hand jobs for crack.
Follow my plan and very soon you will say,
"It's easy, m'kay."
[He demonstrates the four-step program on chalkboards around the room]
Step 1: instead of "ass", say "buns", like "kiss my buns" or "You're a buns-hole"
Step 2: instead of "shit", say "poo", as in "bull-poo," "poo-head" and "this poo is cold"
Step 3: with "bitch", drop the t, 'cause "bich" is Latin for generosity
Step 4: don't say "fuck" anymore, 'cause "fuck" is the worst word that you can say.
So just use the word "M'kay."

[the kids begin dancing]

The kids:

We can do it. It's all up to us, m'-kay.

Mr. Mackey:

M'kay.

The kids:

With a little plan we can change our lives today.

Mr. Mackey:

You can change it today.

Mackey/Kids:

You/We don't have to spend your/our lives shootin' up in the trash,
Homeless on the streets, giving hand jobs for cash.
Follow this plan and very soon you will say,
"It's easy, m'kay."

[the kids slide to a stop on their knees before Mr. Mackey, then bounce to the beat]

Mr Mackey:

Step 1:

Redhead:

Instead of "ass", say "buns",

Boy 1:

like "kiss my buns"

Girl 1:

or "You're a buns-hole"

Mr Mackey:

Step 2:

Kids:

[Jordan, Butters, and another] instead of "shit", say "poo",

Girl 2:

as in "bull-poo"

Kyle:

"poo-head!"

Boy 2:

and "this poo is cold"

Mr Mackey:

Step 3:

The Boys:

[Kyle, Cartman, Stan, Faussey, Token, Gergory]
with "bitch", drop the t,

The Girls:

[Wendy and Jordan among them]
'cause "bich" is Latin for generosity

Mr Mackey:

Step 4:

The kids:

don't say "fuck" anymore,

All:

'cause "fuck" is the worst word that you can say.

The kids:

"Fuck" is the worst word that you can say.
We shouldn't say "fuck," no, we shouldn't say "fuck." Fuck, no!

Mr. Mackey:

You're cured! You can go!

Mackey/Kids:

[Kids pair up. Stan walks to Wendy, but she walks past him to Gregory. Mr. Mackey sees Stan alone, takes him by the hands, and swings him around until he gets dizzy. Some kids form a circle and link hands around Mr. Mackey while other kids play with the drinking fountain and the pottery wheel.]

You/We don't have to spend your/our lives shootin' up in the trash,
Homeless on the streets, giving hand jobs for cash.
Follow this plan and very soon you will say,
"It's easy, m'kay."

The kids:

It's easy, m'kay.

Mr. Mackey:

It's easy, m'kay.

The kids:

It's easy, m'kay.

Mr. Mackey:

[loses Stan and falls on his back. Stan ends up in the trashcan]
It's easy, m'kaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaaaay!

The kids:

It's easy, m'… It's easy, m'… It's easy, m'kay!

Mr. Mackey:

[All dissolve into laughter. The kids join Mr. Mackey on the floor in a circle.] M'kay! M'kay. M'kay. [a brief rest, and he gets up] Now you're cured! You can take the rest of the afternoon off for personal reflection, m'kay? Find your own constructive way to better yourself, m'kay?

[Back at the Bijou, inside. The entire class is there now, to see the movie, with no adult to chaperone them. Onscreen, Terrance and Phillip are giggling uncontrollably]

Terrance:

Well, Phillip, I hope you've learned something through this whole experience.

Phillip:

I did, Terrance. I learned that you are a boner-biting dick-fart fuckface. [both giggle]

Terrance:

Want to see the Northern Lights? [lights fart on fire and burns up]

Phillip:

You burned yourself to death by lighting your fart.

Terrance:

[laughing] I sure did, Phillip! [both giggle and the curtains close. They pop through.]

Terrance and Phillip:

Uncle fucka!
Too hot!!.

Cartman:

Yes! [the kids cheer and begin clearing out]

Boy:

This movie rules!

[the boys join the others in leaving the theater, then go off to their left, past the booth again]

Kyle:

Man, that movie gets better every time I see it!

Clerk:

Hey!

Cartman:

Yeah, but you know what? That whole part about lighting farts is bullshit. You can't do that.

Kenny:

(Yeah, you can!)

Cartman:

[stops and turns] No way.

Kenny:

(Yes you can. You can too light a fart on fire.)

Cartman:

Okay, Kenny. I'll bet you a hundred dollars you can't light a fart on fire.

Kenny:

(Yes you can. Check it out.) [lights fart on fire, then laughs. His parka erupts in flames and he screams in horror]

Stan:

Holy shit, dude!

Cartman:

Ah! Oh my God! Hey! [begins beating Kenny with a stick] Aw, shit! Aw, shit!

Stan:

[steps forward and yells] Help! Somebody do something! [steps back]

Cartman:

[the stick lights up] Ahh! This stick is on fire! [an ambulance rushes up and stops, but a Russell's Salt truck rushes up and bumps it away. The truck bed lifts up at the front end and dumps the salt on Kenny. If the fire was injury, this is insult.]

Kenny:

(Ooowww!) [the ambulance siren dies and the salt doesn't move]

Stan:

[the boys stare at the truck] Oh my God, you killed Kenny!

Kyle:

You bastard!

Cartman:

Wow, I guess you can light a fart on fire, huh?

[Hell's Pass hospital, the ER. Several doctors and a nurse work furiously to bring Kenny back around. One Dr. Davis runs around not knowing what to do, screaming all the while.]

Dr. Gouache:

Load that IV with 70 cc's of sodium pentathol!

Nurse:

We just called the parents.

Kyle:

Oh shit, dude! Now our moms are gonna find out we went to the Terrance and Phillip movie again!

Dr. Gouache:

Vacuum! Try to untangle his trachea and esophagus!

Stan:

Dude!

Dr. Gouache:

No! That doesn't go there!

Stan:

Aw! [vomits]

Kyle:

Gross, Stan!

Cartman:

That's sick!

Nurse:

Watch his liver.

Assistant:

I'll get it!

Dr. Gouache:

We have precious little time left, people! We're gonna lose him soon.

Nurse:

[the heart monitor flatlines] Doctor, his heart stopped!

Dr. Gouache:

Let's get it out of there! [pulls the heart out and holds it up] We need to zap this, quick! [rushes the heart to the microwave oven, opens the door, and finds a baked potato inside] Who's making a potato?

Assistant:

My bad, sir! I missed lunch.

Dr. Gouache:

Dammit! I'm not gonna lose this kid! [places the heart next to the potato, then fast-forward to] Close him up, we've done all we can. The rest, is up to God… [the hours roll by, from 2:45 p.m. to 8:22 p.m.] Kenny, Kenny can you hear me?

Kenny:

(Holy shit, dude.)

Dr. Gouache:

How are you feeling, son?

Kenny:

(Like a sick animal.)

Dr. Gouache:

Great! Son, I have some bad news. We… accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato. You have about three seconds to live.

Kenny:

(What?!) [the potato explodes]

Cartman:

Ah! Fuckin' weak, dude!

Stan:

Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

Kyle:

You bastards!

Dr. Gouache:

[pounding on the hospital bed] Dammit! It never… gets… any… easier! [walks away whistling. His staff follows him out the door.]

Cartman:

[reflecting] I bet him he couldn't do it. I bet him a hundred dollars.

Kyle:

[consoling] Come on Cartman, it's not your fault.

Cartman:

No, I know. I'm just fuckin' stoked I don't have to pay him.

Kyle:

Oh, that's real nice! He was your friend, you fat fuck! [the moms enter]

Sheila:

So, boys. You saw that movie again?

The boys:

[resigned] Yes.

Sheila:

Well, Kyle, I have had it! You are grounded for the next two weeks!

Kyle:

Grounded?

Sharon:

And you, Stan. Come on. [Stan exits, and the other two follow]

Liane:

And you're grounded for three weeks, Eric.

Cartman:

Ey, why am I grounded more? That's fuckin' bullshit!

Sheila:

Whatwhatwhaaat?! What was that word young man?! ["word young man word young man word young man" echoes in Kenny's brain]

[Space, the final frontier. Kenny floats through it towards a light. Clouds around the light part for Kenny, and he sees a heaven full of nude big-breasted women. As he nears the place, a "PRESS" button appears.]

Singer:

Little boy at peace, what is this place beyond the stars?
Open up your eyes. What are these things you're moving towards?
Head so full of wonder
Worries in the past
Could it be that you are free at last?

[Kenny presses the button, but an alarm goes off and an "ACCESS DENIED" board pops up to hide heaven] NO!!!!!!!!

Kenny:

(What?! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!) [falls towards Hell. Heavy metal music begins] (What the fuck?!)

Singer:

Little boy, you're goin' to Hell.
You said bad words, threw rocks at the birds; now this is your hotel.
You ain't goin back. This ain't Disneyland, it's HELL
Little boy it's time for you to pay
For hurtin' that bird, and not goin to church, starin' at boobs everyday.
Thought you were in bed, instead you're in HELL!
Hell isn't good, no, hell isn't good, yeah!
Hell isn't good, no, hell isn't good, yeah!

[Adolf Hitler, Mahatma Gandhi, and George Burns take turn speaking with Kenny]

George Burns:

Hey fuckface, have you seen Gracie?

Gandhi:

There is orderliness in the universe.

Singer:

Hell isn't good, no, hell isn't good, yeah!

[Kenny is left on a mesa in hell. A fiery dragon flies behind him and dumps a fire-turd nearby.]

[South Park Elementary, PTA Meeting. The parents are gathered in the school auditorium. Sheila stands next to a large easel with the following written on the pad]

__TOPIC:__
KIDS OUT
OF
CONTROL

Sheila:

Parents, our children are out of control! This is what happens when toilet humor is allowed to run rampant!

Sharon:

That's right. Kenny set himself on fire because he saw Terrance and Phillip do it in that dirty movie.

OUR PLAN
OF
ACTION:

Sheila:

We must stop dirty language from getting to our children's ears. [a war beat starts] We must go fight the source of it.

Woman:

But what is the source?

Sheila:

Oh, that's easy. Times have changed.
Our kids are getting worse.
They won't obey their parents;
They just want to fart and curse!

Sharon:

Should we blame the government?

Liane:

Or blame society?

Randy, Gerald, Stuart:

Or should we blame the images on TV?

Sheila:

NO! Blame Canada!

BLAME
CANADA

All:

Blame Canada!

Sheila:

[leads the parents out of the auditorium]
With all their beady little eyes
And flappin' heads so full o' lies!

All:

[citizens pour out of other buildings]
Blame Canada!
Blame Canada!

Sheila:

We need to form a full assault!

All:

It's Canada's fault!

Sharon:

Don't blame me
For my son Stan.
He saw the darned cartoon
And now he's off to join the Klan!

Liane:

And my boy Eric once
Had my picture on his shelf, [shows it]
But now when I see him he tells me to fuck myself.
[shows it again, this time with Cartman flipping her off and smiling]

Sheila:

Well? Blame Canada! [leads them to a copy mart]

All:

Blame Canada!

Sheila:

It seems that everything's gone wrong
Since Canada came along!
[leads them in making Mothers Against Canada signs and shirts]

All:

Blame Canada!
Blame Canada!

Shirt maker:

They're not even a real country anyway!

Mrs. McCormick:

[outside with the others now, on a platform]
My son could've been a doctor or a lawyer, rich and true.
Instead he burned up like a piggy on a barbecue.

Men:

Should we blame the matches?

Man:

Should we blame the fire?

All:

Or the doctors who allowed him to expire?

Sheila:

[now in Philadelphia] Heck, no!

All:

Blame Canada!
Blame Canada!

Sheila:

With all their hockey hullabaloo

Liane:

And that bitch, Anne Murray, too.

All:

[slowing] Blame Canada!
Shame on Canada!
For…
[A newspaper pops up announcing Terrance and Phillip on Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Music resumes normal speed. Shots of the cause in other cities, ending in Washington D.C.]

The smut we must stop, the trash we must smash.
The laughter and fun must all be undone.
We must blame them and cause a fuss
Before somebody thinks of blaming
Us!

[The Marsh house, night. The boys are on the sofa as Shelley lectures]

Shelley:

All right, you turds, listen up. Your moms are away at a meeting, and they put me in charge of you. But you're still grounded, so you're not allowed to have any fun. Any questions?

Stan:

Shelley, where's the clitoris? [she walks to a chair, picks it up, walks to Stan and smashes it on him.] Ow!

Shelley:

Now you all just sit there and keep your mouths shut, while I go listen to my Britney Spears records. [walks away. Stan looks after her until she disappears]

Stan:

Okay, it's clear [Cartman turns on the TV, the three grin]

[Late Night with Conan O'Brien. The boys can't see it from their vantage point, but the mothers are in the studio audience. Brooke Sheilds has already spoken to Conan.]

Conan:

Our next guests have the number one movie in the world right now. Please welcome Terrance and Phillip! [cheers and boos alternate in the audience. A woman holds up a sign denouncing Terrance and Phillip]

The boys:

Hooray!

Phillip:

Hello, Conan.

Terrance:

Hello, Brooke Shields.

Conan:

Guys, some people claim that your Canadian humor is nothing but immature fart jokes.

Phillip:

That's not true. Take this classic Canadian joke for instance. [Both don fake mustaches and Phillip clears his throat.] Excuse me, Terrance.

Terrance:

Yes, Phillip? [Phillip farts on him, blowing him into the bass drum, ripping it open. Terrance and Phillip laugh] Gosh-darn, that's funny!

Cartman:

[sing-song] Heh heh heheh. [the other two laugh]

Terrance:

[returning to the sofa] Good one, Phillip! Cheers!

Phillip:

Cheers, fuckface.

Conan:

Guys, you can't say that on TV.

Phillip:

Now Terrance smells like my ass! [both laugh]

Brooke:

I farted once on the set of Blue Lagoon. [after a pause, Terrance slaps her]

Conan:

So, guys, does it make you nervous to be in America? There are a lot of organizations here that want you arrested for destroying children.

Phillip:

Oh, they'd have to find us first.

Conan:

You're right. Now! [troops rush in and capture Terrance and Phillip. The moms go onstage.]

Sheila:

Terrance and Phillip, Mothers Against Canada is placing you under citizen's arrest!

Kyle:

Mom??

Stan:

Dude, what the hell is going on?!

Sheila:

We have a court order for your arrest!

Terrance:

Phillip, we've been ambushed!

Sheila:

Here you go, Conan. [hands him a wad of bills]

Phillip:

[points] This little scrotum-sucker deceived us! [to Conan] You are a bad man!

Sheila:

Don't listen to them, Conan.

Phillip:

You loved our movie, Conan! We watched it together. Remember? You laughed.

Conan:

What have I done? [jumps out of a window to his death below, crashing into a car. Its alarm goes off, and a man comes out to reset it, then walks away.]

Stan:

Holy crap! Did you see that? They arrested Terrance and Phillip!

[The United Nations building, New York, inside. A UN meeting is held concerning the arrest of Terrance and Phillip]

Canadian ambassador:

As the Canadian Ambassador, I hereby condemn the actions taken by America in apprehending Terrance and Phillip. As you can see from this graph [shows a pie graph in which Terrance and Phillip have been alloted almost half], the entire economy of Canada relies on Terrance and Phillip. Without them, we are doomed to recession!

Head of the UN:

What say you, Mr. American Ambassador?

American ambassador:

…Fuck Canada! [flips the Canadian ambassador off]

Canadian ambassador:

[responds with left fist in right elbow, and upraised right forearm] Ey! Fuck you, buddy!

American ambassador:

Terrance and Phillip will not be released. They are going to be put on trial for corrupting American's youth. We don't know what all the fuss is about.

Canadian ambassador:

The fuss is aboot taking our citizens. It's aboot not censoring our art. It's aboot… [the American delegation begins to crack up] It's aboot… [scans the room] What's so God-damned funny?

American ambassador:

[recovering] N-nothing, nothing. Uh, could you tell us again what your argument is all about?

Minister:

This is not aboot diplomacy, this is aboot dignity… [the American delegates chuckle] This is aboot respect. This is about realizing that humor is… [the American delegation cracks up again]

Canadian ambassador:

You guys are dicks! Release Terrance and Phillip, or we'll give you something to cry aboot!! [the American delegates are laughing so heard they begin falling off their chairs]

American delegate:

Stohohohop! Stohohop! [falls down]

[The sky. The Canadian Airforce takes wing]

Pilot:

Pilot to bombardier! Pilot to bombardier! We're nearing the target!

Bombardier:

The bomb's ready, buddy!

[Baldwin Manor, within view of the HOLLYWOOD sign. The Baldwin brothers relax on chaises longues when a cell phone rings]

William:

[answers] Baldwin residence. No, this is Billy Baldwin. If you want Daniel Baldwin, call his extension, stupid!

Daniel:

Hey Alec, do you know what sucks about being a Baldwin?

Alec:

No, what?

Daniel:

Nothing!

Alec:

Yeah! [they all laugh, then are bombed to smithereens]

Stephen:

[popping out] Ha ha! You missed me! [one last plane gets him]

[Mr. Garrison's Classroom, next day]

Mr. Garrison:

Hi, children. Your mothers are all making me throw away my lesson plan and teach theirs.

Stan:

Mr. Garrison, how come our moms arrested Terrance and Phillip?

Class:

Yeah!

Bill:

That's, that's gay.

Mr. Garrison:

Oh, well, your moms are just upset. They're probably all on their periods or something.

Wendy:

[whispers to Gregory] Tell him that's not cool.

Gregory:

Mr. Garrison, Wendy and I think that was a sexist statement.

Mr. Garrison:

Well I'm sorry, Wendy, but I just don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die. Anyway children, let's start off with some vocabulary… [starts writing…]

Mr. Mackey:

[over PA] Attention, students, m'kay?

Mr. Garrison:

[turns around] Oh, what now?! [he got as far as "VOCAB"]

Mr. Mackey:

Come to the gymnasium immediately for a special announcement, m'kay? [the kids leave their seats]

[The gymnasium. The other classes are already seated]

Kyle:

What's goin' on, Chef?

Chef:

Something big, children.

Stan:

Chef, I can't find the clitoris. You have to help me.

Chef:

Stan, the clitoris is a—

Mr. Mackey:

Please take your seats, everyone: they're about to announce it, m'kay.

[The special announcement.]

TV Anchor:

This is a state of emergency. We go now to the White House for an announcement from the President of the United States.

[The White House, Oval Office. President Clinton stands behind his desk]

Clinton:

My fellow Americans, at 5 a.m. today, a day which will live in infamy, the Canadians have bombed the Baldwins. In response to this, the U.S. has declared war on Canada.

Chef:

[the kids gasp] Oh, no!

Stan:

War?

Wendy:

No! Gregory, no!

Gregory:

Hoh, this is bad, Wendy. Hold on to me. [they hug]

Mr. Garrison:

[in shock] All the Baldwins are dead?

Clinton:

Now it is time for us to send a message to Canadians. In two days' time, the war criminals Terrance and Phillip will be executed.

Stan:

They're gonna kill them?

Clinton:

And now, I'd like to bring up my newly-appointed Secretary of Offense, Ms. Sheila Broflovski.

Kyle:

Holy shit, dude!

Sheila:

My fellow Americans, our neighbor to the North has abused us for the last time!

Clinton:

[breaks in] I have a plan to—

Sheila:

Canadians want to-

Clinton:

As commander in chief— [Sheila slaps him away] Ow.

Sheila:

-fight us, because we won't tolerate their potty-mouths. Well! If it is war they want, then war they shall have! [throws up her arms in a peculiar pose. Clinton simply watches.]

Cartman:

Dude, this is fucking weak.

Stan:

How could things be any worse?

[Hell. Kenny stands in a beam of light and looks up. The source pulses several times, as if Kenny were being given a mission, then Kenny walks to the force field. He touches it, and it burns him before it disappears]

Kenny:

(Ow! What the hell? Wait!) [Satan drops in next to him, and Kenny looks]

Satan:

Fallen one, I am Satan. I am your god now!

Kenny:

[screams, turns and runs] (Oh my God!) [Satan dissolves, zips past Kenny, and resolves in front of him]

Satan:

There is no escape! [Kenny finds himself upside down and about to be quartered, and whimpers] Now, feel the delightful pain.

Kenny:

[feeling the pain of being pulled apart] (Ow. That hurts. Ooowww!)

Saddam:

[in the shadows, interrupts Satan's torture] Hey, Satan! Did you hear the news? A war just broke out up on earth! [steps into the light]

Satan:

Meet Saddam Hussein, my new partner in evil.

Kenny:

(Huh?)

Saddam:

Move over, Satan, you're hogging all the fun. [tries to torture Kenny, but only succeeds in arousing himself] Yeah! Yeah! Man, this is gettin' me so hot!

Kenny:

(Hey, what the fuck?!)

Satan:

Saddam, would you let me do my job, please?

Saddam:

Hang on! Rub my nipples while I torture this little piggy. Nyeeh. Nyeeh.

Satan:

Saddam, could I talk to you over here for a second? [sits on a flowered sofa. Saddam sits next to him] I don't see why you have to belittle me in front of people like that.

Saddam:

Hey relax, guy!

Satan:

Well, sometimes I think you don't have any respect for me.

Saddam:

Aw, come here, guy. [hugs Satan and runs his finger up and down Satan's forearm] Who's my creampuff?

Satan:

[yielding] I am.

Saddam:

[radiant] That's right, baby.

Kenny:

[watching them] (Huh?)

[The playground. Stan and friends walk along. Terrence, Bill and Faussey take turns at the slide. Planes fly over in the distance. Token and Craig stop tossing a ball to each other to turn and watch.]

Stan:

Dude, I don't wanna be at war.

Kyle:

You don't think they're really gonna kill Terrance and Phillip, do you?

Cartman:

Kyle, you need to stop being such a chickenshit and stand up to your mother. You need to smack her in the face and say, "That's enough of your shit, you fuckin' bitch!"

Kyle:

Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!

Stan:

You guys, stop it! This isn't helping. We've gotta think here. Now, let's see. What would Brian Boitano do?

Cartman:

Yeah, what would Brian Boitano do? [they look around as they think]

Kyle:

Hey! What's going on over there? [sees a group of kids gathered in front of Gregory, who stands on a soapbox]

Gregory:

The American government thinks it has the right to police the world. Your government is going to kill two Canadian citizens, an action condemned by the UN. Home of the free, indeed!

Clyde:

…Let's play tetherball!

Kids:

Yeah!

Wendy:

This is about freedom of speech! About censorship! Can't you guys be more political, like Gregory?

Stan:

[thinking]
There's the girl that I like.
Now it appears that she likes another guy.
It must be because he's political and stuff;
I bet I could be political, too.
[smiles. Wendy walks up to him]

Wendy:

What do you think, Stan? [he barfs on her and she throws her palms out to deflect the vomit, then runs away] Oh, God!

Stan:

Dammit!

Cartman:

You guys, this is all Kyle's mom's fault.

Kyle:

Shut up, Cartman!

Cartman:

Kyle's mom is the one that started that damn club. And all because she's a big, fat, stupid bitch!

Kyle:

Don't say it, Cartman!

Cartman:

Weeeeeeeeeellll…

Kyle:

Don't do it, Cartman!

Cartman:

Weeeeeeeeeellll…

Kyle:

I'm warning you!

Cartman:

Okay, okay. [walks away]

Kyle:

I'm getting pretty sick of him calling my mom a b— [Cartman rushes back and begins…]

Cartman:

Weeeeeeeeeellll
Kyle's mom's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch,
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
She a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch,
She's a bitch to all the boys and girls.

Kyle:

Shut your fucking mouth, Cartman!

Cartman:

On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch,
On Wednesday to Saturday she's a bitch
Then on Sunday, just to be different,
She's a super King Kamehameha bee-atch!

Come on! You all know the words!

[kids joins in and dance]
Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom?
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world.
She's a mean ole bitch, and she has stupid hair.
She's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch.

Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch
She's a stupid bitch! (Whoa!)
Kyle's mom's a bitch
And she's such a dirty bitch! (Bitch!)

Talk to kids around the world,
And it might go a little bit something like this:

[Cartman fancies leading a Japanese choir,
then a French one,
then a Dutch one (dressed as a Dutch girl),
then an African one (in black-face).
When he sings in English again, the four choirs
are behind him in the Netherlands]

Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom?
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world.
[The schoolyard] She's a mean ole bitch, and she has stupid hair.
She's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch

Kids:

Oh! [They freeze as Sheila walks up behind Cartman.]

Cartman:

Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch.
She's a stupid bitch!

Stan:

Uh, Cartman… [Sheila stands with arms akimbo]

Cartman:

Kyle's mom's a bitch
And she's such a dirty bitch!

[showstopper] I really mean it.
Kyle's mom, she's a big fat fucking bitch!
Big ole fat fucking bitch, Kyle's mom! Yeah-tch!

[He ends on his knees with a wide, open smile and outstretched arms. He opens his eyes and sees the horrified looks on the kids' faces] What? [stands and turns around] Oh, fuck!

[South Park Elementary, M.A.C. MEETING TONIGHT! The parents are gathered in the school auditorium again. A projector and screen are now present.]

Sheila:

Okay, everyone, settle down. As we continue to send troops into Canada, M.A.C. is also fighting the war against potty-mouths here at home. Here to present the V-chip is Dr. Vosknocker.

Dr. Vosknocker:

[clears his throat and activates the projector] The machinery of the V-chip is very simple. It is placed under the child's skin, where it emits a small shock of electricity whenever an obscenity is uttered. [slides of the procedure are shown]

Randy:

Now uh, wait a minute. This chip somehow knows that the child is swearing?

Dr. Vosknocker:

It's just like a lie detector. You see, certain things happen to you when you swear, just like when you lie. The chip picks up on this, and gives the subject a little prick. [the boy on the slide is shocked and his skeleton can be seen] Patient B-5, would you step out here, please? [Cartman enters dressed in a white robe and shower cap] Patient B-5 here has been fitted with the new V-chip.

Cartman:

Ow, my head hurts.

Dr. Vosknocker:

[to Cartman] Don't worry about that. [brings out some flash cards and shows him the first one] Now, I want you to say, "Doggy."

Cartman:

Doggy.

Dr. Vosknocker:

[to parents] Notice that nothing happens. [to Cartman] Now say, "Montana."

Cartman:

Montana.

Dr. Vosknocker:

Good! Now, "Pillow."

Cartman:

Pillow.

Dr. Vosknocker:

All right! Now, I want you to say, "Horse-fucker." [Cartman is unsure and looks to his mom.]

Liane:

Go ahead, Eric. It's all right.

Cartman:

Horse-fucker-aaagh! [bzzzt] Ow! [the parents gasp] That hurt, God dammit-aaagh! [bzzzt] Ow! Fuck-aaagh! [bzzzt] Hey!

Dr. Vosknocker:

Now I'd like you to say, "Big floppy donkey dick."

Cartman:

Nno!

Dr. Vosknocker:

Success! The child doesn't want to swear! [the parents cheer]

Cartman:

This isn't fair, you sons of bitches-aaagh! [bzzzt] Ow! God damnit-aaagh [bzzzt. Pretty soon he's swearing a stream and bounces out of view due to the resulting shocks]

Sheila:

We will start putting V-chips in all our children next week! [the parents cheer wildly]

[A newsreel, "THE MARCH OF WAR"]

Announcer:

Snacky S'mores presents, "The March of War." Let's hear it for our boys in blue! President Clinton has called them to action, to fight the evil Canadian scourge.

We declare war
on you.....

Signed,

President Clinton

A full-scale attack has been launched on Toronto [the attack is shown] after the Canadians' last bombing, which took a horrible toll on the Arquette family [the bombed Arquette residence is shown]. For security measures, our great American government is rounding up all citizens that have any Canadian blood, and putting them into camps [Canadians are shown being rounded up and put into caged trucks. The trucks are shown entering some camps]. All Canadian-American citizens are to report to one of these death camps right away. Did I say death camps? I meant happy camps, where you will eat the finest meals, have access to fabulous doctors [a dentist pulls out a tooth], and be able to exercise regularly [digging, that is]. Meanwhile, the war criminals, Terrance and Phillip [their lips are sewn shut and they are pissed], are prepped for their execution [they are in jail now, with lips unsewn]. Their execution will take place during a fabulous USO show, with special guest celebrities, including Big Gay Al and Winona Ryder. Of course, the only way to see the USO show is to sign up for the army! [recruits line up. The new troops are then shown marching happily] So join the army and kill some Canadian scum, as we continue…"The march of War!" Eat Snacky S'mores.

[South Park, the M.A.C. platform. Next to it, a bonfire burns, and residents add Canadian items to it. This is a book-burning]

Sheila:

We must rid ourselves of anything Canadian!

Man:

Down with Canada!

Woman 1:

It's bullcrap! [Clyde walks up and tosses his dolls into the fire, then walks away.]

Kyle:

[stops him] Dude, don't you like Terrance and Phillip anymore?

Clyde:

'Course not! My mommy says I hate Canadians now, 'cause they made me have a dirty mouth! [turns and walks away]

Woman 2:

Burn it all! [An Alanis Morissette album is tossed into the fire and starts to burn]

Cartman:

[enters morose] Hey, dudes.

Stan:

What's the matter, Cartman?

Cartman:

It's this V-chip. I hate it. I can't say any dirty words.

Kyle:

Really? So you can't say, "fuck?"

Cartman:

No.

Kyle:

And you can't say, "shit?"

Cartman:

Nope.

Kyle:

So you can't say, "I'm Eric Cartman, the fattest fucking piece of shit in the world?"

Cartman:

Fuck you! [bzzzt] Ah! [tumbles away]

Kyle:

Duhude! Sweet! [Cartman returns]

Stan:

Come on, you guys. This has gone far enough. It's time we talked to our moms. [moves forward]

Kyle:

[catching him] We're supposed to be grounded in our rooms.

Stan:

Come on, Kyle. It's time for us to get political.

Sheila:

Canada will no longer corrupt our children! [the boys walk up to her]

Kyle:

Mom, can I talk to you for a second?

Sheila:

Kyle, what are you doing here? You are grounded! Now get back to the house, and stay there! [Kyle turns and walks away dejectedly]

Sharon:

You too, Stanley!

Stan:

[Kyle turns again] Mom, we think you're going too far. You can't kill Terrance and Phillip.

Sheila:

[addresses the crowd again] We must fight for our children's futures!

Stan:

You started a war. You have to stop it.

Sheila:

To make them safe again!

Stan:

Hello?

Sheila:

Our children are precious!

Stan:

Hello-o? [waves his hand, then turns and walks away with the others]

Sheila:

We must make a stand now! Stop at nothing!

Kyle:

I told you my mom wouldn't listen.

Stan:

Well then, we're just gonna have to save Terrance and Phillip ourselves!

Kyle, Cartman:

What?!

Stan:

Think about it, you guys. What would Brian Boitano do? He'd figure out a way to rescue Terrance and Phillip before they're executed!

Kyle:

We can't do anything. Our moms' organization is too strong.

Stan:

Well then, we'll round up all the grounded kids in town and start our own organization. An organization to help save Terrance and Phillip!

Cartman:

Hey, yeah! Our own secret club.

Kyle:

I guess that could work.

Stan:

We have to try!

What would Brian Boitano do
If he was here right now?
He'd make a plan and he'd follow through.
That's what Brian Boitano'd do!

Kyle:

When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics
Skating for the gold,
He did two Salchows and a triple Lutz
While wearing a blindfold!

Cartman:

When Brian Boitano was in the Alps
Fighting grizzly bears,
He used his magical fire-breath
And saved the maidens fair!

Stan and Kyle:

So what would Brian Boitano do
If he were here today?
I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two.
That's what Brian Boitano'd do!

Cartman:

I want this V-chip out of me.
It has stunted my vocabulary.

Kyle:

And I just want my mom to stop fighting everyone.

Stan:

For Wendy I'll be an activist, too,
'Cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do!

The boys:

And what would Brian Boitano do?
He'd call all the kids in town.
And tell them to unite for truth.
That's what Brian Boitano'd do!

[short bridge]

Brian Dennehy:

[walks in] Someone say my name?

Stan:

Who are you?

Brian Dennehy:

I'm Brian Dennehy.

Kyle:

…What? No, not fuckin' Brian Dennehy!

Stan:

Dude, get the fuck out of here!

Brian Dennehy:

Oh. Bye-ee. [walks out]

The boys:

When Brian Boitano traveled through time
To the year three thousand ten,
He fought the evil Robot King
And saved the human race again

Cartman:

And when Brian Boitano built the pyramids
He beat up Kublai Khan!

Stan and Kyle:

[slowing] 'Cause Brian Boitano doesn't take shit

The boys:

from anybody, so

[fast] Let's call all the kids together
And unite to stop our moms.
And we'll save Terrance and Phillip, too,
'Cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
And we'll save Terrance and Phillip, too,
'Cause that's what Brian Boita-no'd do!

'Cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do!

[Hell. Kenny, having nothing to do, walks around. He walks by a door and overhears a conversation between Satan and Saddam]

Saddam:

Hey, relax, guy!

Satan:

Oh, there's nothing on. [Kenny cracks the door open and looks in]

[Satan's bedroom. Satan and Saddam are in bed together looking at TV. Satan holds the remote]

Saddam:

You just get cranky when you're tired, that's all.

Satan:

I'm not cranky.

News Anchor:

What started as a spat between The United States and Canada is quickly turning into World War III.

Saddam:

World War III?

Satan:

Shh.

News Anchor:

Terrance and Phillip are going to be put to death for crimes against humanity. The time of execution has— [click. Satan has turned the TV off]

Satan:

[swelling] It has come to be! The Four Horsemen are drawing nigh! The time of prophecy is upon us!

Saddam:

Aw, I love when you get all biblical, Satan! You know exactly how to turn my crank.

Satan:

[plaintive] No, I'm being serious. It is the seventh sign. [rises from the bed and walks away]

Saddam:

What?

Satan:

Behold. [stands before a Mayan calendar] The first signs of my reign have all come true: the fall of an empire, the coming of a comet. And now, when the blood of these Canadians touches American soil, it will be our time to rise!

Kenny:

(Huh?)

Saddam:

[arousing himself under the sheets] Yeah! Yeah! Man, I'm gettin' so hot! Let's fuck!

Satan:

[insulted] Do you always think about sex? I'm talkin' about very important stuff here!

Saddam:

Ah, I'm just excited about taking over the world! Come on!

Satan:

[slips back into bed] Is sex the only thing that matters to you?

Saddam:

I love you.

Satan:

…I want to believe that.

Saddam:

So whaddaya say we shut off that light and get close, huh?… [Satan wraps his arm around Saddam, and Kenny looks puzzled. The lights go out and some wet activity follows]

Satan:

A-agh!

Saddam:

Yeah, you like that, don't you, bitch?

[The Broflovski house, the master bedroom]

Kyle:

Okay. We can use my dad's computer to call all the kids together. [logs on]

Stan:

Wait. Before we put a message out, do a search on the word, "clitoris."

Kyle:

Oh, okay. [types in the search and reads the result] "Found: eight million pages with the word, 'clitoris.'"

Stan:

Wow!

Kyle:

I'll just try the first one. [click] "You must be eighteen to enter this website." Okay. [click] "Welcome to 'German Sick Fetish Video.' If you are under eighteen, do not—" well, okay. [click, click. The site is a multimedia one, and music plays]

German:

Du hast Scheiße gern.

Kyle:

Dude! It's a lady getting pooed on!

Stan:

Whoa! Is it Cartman's mom?

Cartman:

Oh, very funny.

Kyle:

Hey! It is Cartman's mom!

German:

Essen mein Scheiße. [Cartman leaps up, bumps Kyle off the chair, and has a good look at the screen]

Liane:

Alrighty, then!

Cartman:

Aw, son of a bitch! [bzzzt] Ow! [falls off]

Ike:

[enters] Ba ba ba ba.

Kyle:

Get outta here, Ike! You're too young for this stuff!

Ike:

Bull-shitter.

Stan:

What's he doing, now?

German:

Essen ihr Scheiße!

Liane:

Okey-dokey! [scheisse is heard oozing onto her]

The boys:

Aawww! [race away from the computer and look away. Stan vomits.]

German:

Schmeckt gut, ja?

Stan:

Click it off, dude! Click it off! [Kyle hops on the chair and clicks the site off] Dude, what the fuck is wrong with German people?

Cartman:

[walks up to the computer] All right all right. Let's just do what we came here to do and put a message out to kids. [Stan walks up]

Kyle:

Okay. Let's see, I've gotta put out an all-access e-mail. [looks at Cartman] God-damn your mom sucks, Cartman.

Cartman:

Just get to the message board!

Kyle:

I'm trying. I can't find a Canadian server. I've got to break into the mainframe. [works the keyboard but gets "ACCESS DENIED"] Dammit! They've got an access code. I'll try to re-route the encryptions. [types some codes in… "ACCESS GRANTED"] Okay, here we go… [types] "Want to help Terrance & Phillip? Sneak out after you get tucked into bed tonight and meet at Carl's Warehouse."

Cartman:

Tell 'em we'll have punch and pie.

Kyle:

We're not gonna have punch and pie!

Cartman:

More people will come if they think we have punch and pie!

Kyle:

"…punch and pie. This is top secret. The password is…"

Stan:

"La Resistance."

[The Cartman residence, Cartman's room, night. Cartman is getting ready for bed as his radio plays.]

Radio Anchor:

…And so, the draft will begin tomorrow, as more and more troops are needed to invade the Canadian border. The Canadian government pleads for a peaceful resolution, but naturally we're not listening. [Liane turns off the radio]

Liane:

Good night, hon.

Cartman:

Mom, when is the war gonna be over.

Liane:

I don't know, hon. Soon, we hope. You want it to end quickly, huh? [heads out the door]

Cartman:

Mom?

Liane:

[looks in] Yes, hon?

Cartman:

If you were in a German scheisse video, y-you'd tell me, right?

Liane:

Sure, hon. Good night! [shuts the door. A few seconds later, and Cartman is packing stuff into his backpack]

Kenny:

(Hey, dude.) [Cartman looks and runs into bed, hiding under the covers.]

Cartman:

Ah! Poltergeist!

Kenny:

[now a ghost] (What's the matter? You can't be afraid of me.)

Cartman:

[lowers the covers] Kenny?? Is that you??

Kenny:

(Yes. It's Satan! He's coming right now!)

Cartman:

Satan? Satan is coming here?

Kenny:

(That's right, and he's gonna bring Saddam Hussein with him!)

Cartman:

Saddam Hussein?? That doesn't make sense, Kenny!

Kenny:

[coming close to Cartman] (Well, they're both gonna come right here right now!!)

Cartman:

Aaaaaaaah! [runs back to bed. Kenny sees the doorknob turn and flies into Cartman's radio as Liane enters]

Liane:

Eric, what is it?

Cartman:

I saw him! I saw Kenny!

Liane:

Oh, you poor dear! You've been through so much.

Cartman:

I bet him he couldn't light a fart on fire, and now he's all pissed off. [bzzzt] Ey! I can't say "Pissed off?" [bzzzt] Yaa!

[Hell, Satan's living room. Satan looks at his crystal ball at Terrance and Phillip]

Satan:

The execution of Terrance and Phillip is imminent. Soon, Saddam and I will rule the world! [laughs wickedly]

Saddam:

[enters the room with a suitcase] Hey, Satan. I got some new luggage for our trip up to earth. Let's fuck to celebrate!

Satan:

[sits on the sofa and gets tender] What's it like up on earth, Saddam? Tell me about it again.

Saddam:

[comes on to Satan] Aw, let's not talk. Let's get busy!

Satan:

[brushes him off] Do you remember when you first got here? We used to talk all night long, until the sun came up. We would just lie in bed and …talk.

Saddam:

Well, yeah, 'cause I was still waitin' to get you in bed, dummy!

Satan:

How come you always want to make love to me from behind? Is it because you want to pretend I'm somebody else?

Saddam:

Satan, your ass is gigantic and red. Who am I gonna pretend you are? Liza Minelli? [Satan jumps up and walks away in a huff] Aw, don't get all pissy. [Satan exits the residence, walks down a hall, and sighs. He reaches a balcony and looks out over his domain]

Satan:

Hmmm.

Sometimes I think
When I look up, real high
That there's such a big world up there,
I'd like to give it a try

[imagines a happy couple, the man picks up the woman and turns her around and around]

But then I sink,
'Cause it's here I'm s'posed to stay.
But I get so lonely down here;
Tell me, why does it have to be that way?

Up there, there's so much room,
Where babies burp and flowers bloom. [imagines the scene. He holds two babies]
Everyone dreams; I can dream, too.
Up there, up
Where the skies are ocean-blue, [he's atop a mountain in hiking gear]
I could be safe and live without a care, up
There.

Choir:

Mmmmmmmmmm. Whoa-whoa!

Satan:

They say I don't belong (Ooo-oo-oo-oo)
I'm staying below, alone. (Ooo-ooo oo-oo-ooooooo)
Because of my beliefs I'm supposed
To stay where evil is sown. (Oo oo-oo-oo-oo) [three tortured souls sing]

But what is evil, anyway? (Haa-aa-a-a)
Is there reason to the rhyme? (Ooo-ooo oo-oo-ooooooo)
Without evil there could be no good, [choir joins in] so it must be
Good to be evil sometimes.

[the images come fast and furious now. Satan is sailing on the S.S. Manhandler, relaxing on a chaise longue as two men play in the pool before him, standing at the ship's prow, raising a martini as some birds fly up and away, hang-gliding,]

Up there, [choir drops out] there's so much room, (Aaa-aaa)
Where babies burp and flowers bloom. (Oo-oo-ooo)
Everyone dreams; I can dream, too.
[choir joins in] Up there, up [choir drops out]
(Oooo-oooo) Where the skies are ocean-blue,
I could be safe and live without a care,

Choir:

Without a care,

Satan:

Live without a care. [holds on to a rock pillar]

Choir:

If I could…

Satan:

If only I could live up ["…live…up…"]

All:

There!

Satan:

Ooooo!
I wanna live, I wanna live up there!
Yeah, baby, oo!
I want to live up [choir joins in as outer space is shown]
There! [a meteor streaks across] Oh!

[Carl's Warehouse, past bedtime. The warehouse is ratty, with a flickering overhead light at the entrance. Inside, Stan and Kyle work on the banner, "Viva la Resistance," with various paints. Cartman rushes in. Stan and Kyle stop painting.]

Kyle:

You're late, Cartman!

Cartman:

I had to ride my bike here. My behind is killing me.

Kyle:

Your behind?

Cartman:

I have to say "behind" 'cause I get shocked if I say, "Ass." [bzzzt] Ow!

Kyle:

Did you bring the punch and pie?

Cartman:

[whispers loudly] No! You guys! Something happened! I don't think Kenny's dead.

Stan:

What?

Cartman:

I saw him in my room.

Kyle:

I know, Cartman, I know. I see Kenny every day.

Cartman:

You do?

Kyle:

Sure, dude. On the face of every child. On the smile of every baby. [he and Stan laugh]

Cartman:

Hey! I'm telling you, this was Kenny. He said that if Terrance and Phillip die, Saddam Hussein and Satan are gonna come up and rule the world.

Kyle:

Saddam Hussein?? [a knock is heard. The three gasp, turn, and face the door. Kyle hops up some rigged steps to look through the mail slot] Who is it?!

Gregory:

[only his hair is seen] I'm here for La Resistance.

Kyle:

What's the password?!

Gregory:

Uh, I don't know.

Kyle:

Guess.

Gregory:

Uh, "Bacon."

Kyle:

…Okay. [hops down and opens the door]

Gregory:

Viva la Resistance!

Stan:

Oh, no, it's that kid!

Gregory:

[aside] This is the place. [Wendy steps up]

Stan:

Wendy?

Wendy:

Stan? You started La Resistance? [Stan vomits in amazement]

Gregory:

Well, apparently you're more political than we thought. Let us get this meeting underway; there are many others coming. [closes the door]

[Carl's Warehouse, sometime later. More kids are present]

Kyle:

Wow! A lot of people showed up.

Stan:

[opens the meeting] 'Kay, uh, Terrance and Phillip are supposed to be killed, and we think that sucks ass! [a boy in the back raises his hand] Yes?

Boy:

Uh, we were to understand there'd be pie and punch?

Kyle:

There isn't any.

Boy:

Oh. [leaves with another kid]

Stan:

Uh, Terrance and Phillip are supposed to be killed, so we think we should…prank call a bunch of policemen! A-and, and have pizzas sent to them that they didn't order! Viva la Resistance!

Gregory:

Hoh. [sighs heavily]

Stan:

Uuh…

Gregory:

May I?

Stan:

What??

Gregory:

[approaches a map book. Stan and Kyle step aside] Terrance and Phillip are currently being held at the Canadian internment camp two kilometers outside of town. They're to be executed tomorrow, during a star-studded USO show for the troops.

Cartman:

Tomorrow?!

Gregory:

Once the show begins, we should have about one hour to get Terrance and Phillip out of their cell [next page], and into this clearing. There we will all rendezvous, and together [next page], take Terrance and Phillip safely back to Canada.

Kyle:

Wow, dude! Wendy's new guy is smart. [Stan get mad]

Gregory:

You must meet me at the rendezvous point at precisely 10 p.m. Sneaking into the show and breaking out Terrance and Phillip will be the most dangerous part, so I'll go myself. [Wendy smiles at him and Stan reacts]

Stan:

No! [grabs Kyle] We're going. We started La Resistance, we'll get Terrance and Phillip and meet you at the rendez-vouse point.

Gregory:

This… will be very dangerous. Are you quite sure?

Cartman:

Fuck that! [bzzzt] Ah!

Stan:

Cartman, do you want that V-chip in you forever?! We're going. Now, let's run through the plan. [Gregory and Stan discuss as others listen]

[The internment camp: U.S. ARMY ANTI-CANADA CONTROL HEADQUARTERS. The Army has gathered in the camp arena and the soldiers are talking amongst themselves.]

Soldier:

[to another soldier] Now, uh, when you shoot somebody, you have to go for somebody wide open, alright?

Jimbo:

Oh, boy! Military action, Ned. Let's kill us some God-damned Australians!

Ned:

Mmm-I think we're fighting Canadians.

Jimbo:

Canadians, Australians, what's the difference?

Mr. Garrison:

[to Mr. Hat] Yeah! This uniform makes me feel like a tough, brute man, Mr. Hat. [Mr. Mackey, sitting next to him, looks at the conversation between the two]

Mr. Hat:

It sure does, Mr. Garrison!

Mr. Garrison:

Oh, boy. I can't wait for our first shore leave, so I can get me some fuckin' poontang.

General:

[opens the session] Pay attention! Tomorrow night is the USO show, for all you troops. There will be celebrities, followed by the execution of Terrance and Phillip.

Soldiers:

Yeah! Woo!

General:

After the show, we will finally be sending ground troops into Canada. So let's strategize! Map! [a holographic rotating globe appears, which is replaced by a 3-D map of Canada] Our sources have told us that the Canadians are preparing for our invasion, so we must use caution. Each battalion has a specific code name and mission. Battalion 5, raise your hands. [the black batallion, led by Chef, riases its hands] You will be the all-important first attack wave, which we will call, "Operation: Human Shield."

Chef:

Hey, wait a minute!

General:

Now, keep in mind, "Operation: Human Shield" will suffer heavy losses. Battalion 14? [the batallion next to Chef's raises its hands] Right. You are "Operation: Get-Behind-The-Darkies." You will follow Battalion 5, here. [the map animates to show the darkies getting shot down by planes as the white troops move in behind them.] And try not to get killed, for God's sake! Are there any questions, men? [Chef raises his hand] Yes, soldier?

Chef:

Have you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?

General:

I don't listen to hip-hop. After that, we will march into the heart of Canada, and we will—

Saddam:

[his head breaks in over the map] I'm comin' to getcha! I'm comin' to getcha!

General:

Oh, what's wrong with this thing? [goes to the base of the holograph, opens a small door and presses some buttons] It's fuckin' Windows '98! Get Bill Gates in here [several soldiers escort Bill Gates in] You told us Windows '98 would be faster, and more efficient, with better access to the Internet!

Bill Gates:

It is faster. Over five million [BANG. Bill falls away as the general lowers his gun]

General:

All right, men! Get lots of rest, and prepare to fight the Canadian scum! [the soldiers nearly drown him out with their cheering. Battalion 5 stays put.]

[Carl's Warehouse, the meeting continues. Battle plans are set out on a makeshift table with army toys]

Gregory:

After you have Terrance and Phillip, quietly make your way to this ridge. We will be waiting for you there. We cannot wait for long. So if you're not there at ten, we will have to leave.

Stan:

Gotcha!

Gregory:

You are indeed brave. But you will need help from someone who's done this sort of thing before. Here's the address of "The Mole."

Cartman:

"The Mole?"

Gregory:

He is an expert in covert operations, a mercenary for hire. Your first task will be obtaining him. Get lots of sleep. Tomorrow, we will all be risking our lives… for freedom. [begins to move away]
[slow] God has smiled upon you this day.
The fate of a nation in your hands. [draws a sword]
And blessed be the children, we, who fight with all our bravery
'Til only the righteous stand. [steps up to a soapbox]

[fast] You see the distant flames, they bellow in the night
You fight in all our names for what we know is right.
And when you all get shot and cannot carry on,
Though you die, La Resistance lives on! [the other kids gather before him]

Gregory and the kids:

You may get stabbed in the head with a dagger or a sword.
You may be burned to death, or skinned alive, or worse.
But when they torture you, you will not feel the need to run, for,
Though you die, La Resistance lives on!

Women:

[preparing the electric chairs]
Blame Canada! Blame Canada!

Sheila:

Because the country's gone awry!
Tomorrow night these freaks will fry!

Soldiers:

[practicing their march. The boys' fathers are among them]
Tomorrow night.
Our lives'll change.
Tomorrow night.
We'll be entertained.
An execution!
What a sight!

Tomorrow night!

Satan:

[seeing the prepartions from Hell]
Up there, there's so much room,
Where babies burp and flowers bloom.
Tomorrow night, up there is doomed,
And so I will be going soon!

Terrance and Phillip:

[chained to the wall in their cell in the interment camp]
Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka!
You're a boner-biting bastard, uncle fucka!

Terrance:

Looks like we may be out of luck.

Phillip:

Tomorrow night we're pretty fucked!

Stan, Kyle:

[standing apart from the other kids. Cartman chews on some chips]
Why did our mothers start this war?
What the fuck are they fighting for?
When did this song become a marathon?

[Satan and Sheila are next shown split-screen. The following underlined text should line up verticaly, as they fall on the same beat.]

Satan:

I want to be………… up………………… there!

Sheila

… When Canada is dead and gone there'll be no more Celine Dion!

[La Resistance and the soldiers are next shown split-screen. They trade lines.]

Gregory and the kids
(Soldiers):

They may cut your dick in half
(Tomorrow night.)
And serve it to a pig.
(Our lives'll change.)
And though it hurts, you'll laugh,
(Tomorrow night)
And you'll dance a dickless jig.
(We'll be entertained.)
Well that's the way it goes
(An execution!)
In war you are shat upon!

(What a sight!)
Though we die…

[The following underlined text should line up verticaly, as they fall on the same beat. Satan, Gregory and the kids, and Stan and his friends reach and sustain their last notes when the women start their last words. At that point, four windows appear. In the first are the mothers of South Park around the electric chairs, in the second are the soldiers, in the third is Satan by himself, and in the fourth are Gregory and the kids. All compete to be heard.]

Satan:

I… want… to… be ……………… up ……………… there!

Soldiers:

……Tomorrow night!

Gregory and the kids:

…………… La Resistance……………………… lives on!

Stan, Kyle, Cartman:

…………………… Tomorrow we fight for La Resistance!

[The soldiers begin their coda just before the women do. Line up text.]

Women:

Just don't cry out "Blame yourselves"
[Coda] ……and Blame Canada! Blame Canada! …Blame Canada!

Soldiers:

[Coda] We'll be entertained! Our lives'll change! Tomorrow night!

[The La Resistance flag marches across the screen erasing the windows and leaving La Resistance on full-screen. Butters returns with the flag and carries it behind Gregory, then trips with it]

[Hell. Satan and Saddam are back in bed. Satan wears reads from a book with a familiar ring…]

Saddam:

Oh boy, I'm so excited! Just one more day and we can take over the world. [coaxing] I don't know if I can sleep, if you know what I mean.

Satan:

[reading from "Saddam is From Mars, Satan is From Venus"] This book is really interesting. It talks about how people communicate differently. Like, I communicate by wanting you to ask me questions, and you communicate—

Saddam:

Hey, that is interesting! Let's fuck!

Satan:

Saddam, I'm trying to have a nice conversation with you!

Saddam:

[exposing a realistic dildo] Heeyy Satan…

Satan:

Aw! Now, that is just not appropriate!

Saddam:

[holds it with both hands like a sausage] Aw, Come on, I'm just fuckin' with you. [tosses it aside] It's not real.

Satan:

Oh, well, that's still not appropriate.

Saddam:

[exposing a second, longer dildo] Eeyy, Satan…

Satan:

Aw! [in disgust, gets up and leaves the room]

Saddam:

Hey, it's not real, either. Come on, guy!

[Outside, in the hall. Satan sobs. Kenny appears and walks up to him.]

Kenny:

(What's wrong?)

Satan:

[fronts] Oh! Uh, uh…ha ha ha ha! Soon, the world will belong to me!

Kenny:

[unfazed] (No, what's wrong, dude?)

Satan:

[drops the front] It's Saddam. He doesn't nurture my emotions. He just wants sex, and can't learn to communicate.

Kenny:

(Why don't you just fuckin' leave him?)

Satan:

You're right. I should leave him. I'm just gonna tell him, "Saddam, I'm going to earth to rule alone." I'm strong, and I don't need him!

Kenny:

(Good for you!)

[South Park, in front of the Broflovski house, next day. A troop marches down the street]

Troop leader:

Today's the day for the USO show

Troop:

We're so happy we get to go

Troop leader:

I don't know, but I've been told

Troop:

Canadian pussy is mighty cold

[The Broflovski house, attic. Kyle places Ike in it]

Kyle:

Ike, you have to stay in the attic. 'cause if they find you, they'll put you in a Canadian concentration camp. Don't worry, Ike, we're gonna put an end to this. And then I'll make mom come home, and we'll be a family again. [closes the access door and leaves. Ike hops to the window, climbs up a box and looks out]

Ike:

I like baby's home. [turns around, sits, pulls out a harmonica, and starts blowing]

[The Mole's house. Stan, Kyle, and Cartmman arrive, and Stan knocks. The Mole's mother answers the door]

Mother:

'Allo?

Stan:

Hi. We need to speak with "The Mole."

Mother:

I'm sohry. Ze Mole is grounded. 'E can't come out and play.

Cartman:

What?

Kyle:

He's a kid?

Mother:

'E said very naughty thingz about God.

Stan:

Oh. Well, can we just talk to him for five seconds, please?

Mother:

Well, all right. [goes inside] Christophe! [the camaera drops to find Christophe arriving at the door]

Stan:

Hi. Uh… we're gonna go rescue Terrance and Phillip from the USO show, and we were just—

The Mole:

[steps out and throttles Stan by the collar] Shh! Who are you?! Who sent you?!

Kyle:

[The Mole listens] That Gregory kid! He said you could sneak us in.

The Mole:

[drops Stan] Are you telling me that you intend to break into the USO show, filled with thousands of soldiers, and break out Terrance and Phillippe?

Cartman:

…I thought it was a pretty stupid idea, too.

Stan:

We're La Resistance. We wanna save Terrance and Phillip, and stop the war and stuff.

The Mole:

I can't help you. I'm grounded in my room for the next three days.

Kyle:

So are we. Our parents think we're home right now. Why are you grounded?

The Mole:

Why? Because God hates me, that's why. He has made my life miserable. So I called him a cocksucking asshole. Then I get grounded.

Kyle:

So will you help us?

The Mole:

[backs up into the house] Very well. Meet me in the back yard in five minutes. Viva La Resistance! We'll show God that we're not gonna fucking take any more of his—

Mother:

What?! Christophe, get in here! [he throws down his cigarette and crushes it]

The Mole:

Coming, mother! [turns, rushes in, and closes the door]

[Hell. Satan stands before his room trying to generate resolve]

Satan:

[to himself] I must be strong. I must be strong. [enters] Saddam, I need to talk to you.

[Satan's room. Saddam is already packing]

Saddam:

Ah! You better get packin', bitch. We have to go! We're running out of time!

Satan:

[sits at the foot of the bed and sighs] Saddam, sometimes you can love a person very much, but still know that they aren't right for you.

Saddam:

What the fuck are you talking about?!

Satan:

You treat me like shit, Saddam! I'm leaving you! I'm going up to earth to rule alone!

Saddam:

[gasps and freezes] No! No, you can't do that!

Satan:

I'm sorry. But I have to be strong.

Saddam:

Satan, please. Gimme another chance. I have to go to earth.

Satan:

You don't even have any respect for me.

Saddam:

Ah, sure I do, guy! Hey, just hear me out.

Some people say that I'm a bad guy.
They may be right, they may be right.
But it's not as if I don't try.
I just fuck up, try as I might.

[At the end of this chorus, he stands before a sunburst with a halo on his head]

But I can change, I can change.
I can learn to keep my promises, I swear it
I'll open up my heart and I will share it. Any minute now, I will be born again.

[In the following chorus, curtains open to reveal dancers. He takes one of them, breaks her back on his knee, tosses her aside, and shows a picture of himself]

Yes, I can change, I can change.
I know I've been a dirty little bastard
I like to kill, I like to maim. Yes I'm insane, but it's okay 'cause I can change!

[In this verse, he smokes a hookah, then shows how he overcame his parents]

It's not my fault that I'm so evil.
It's society. Society.
You see, my parents were sometimes abusive.
And it made a prick of me.

But I can change, I can change.

Satan:

What if you remain a sandy little butthole?

Saddam:

Ey, Satan! Don't be such a twit! Mother Teresa won't have shit on me!
Just watch. Just watch me change! Here I go, I'm changing!

[fast instrumental. Saddam starts break-dancing. This effort has Satan enamored]
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Hut. Hut. Hut. Hut. Hut. Hut. Hut. Hut.

[silence]
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah. You see? I've really matured.

Satan:

Oh, all right.

Saddam:

All right!

Satan:

Come on, we have to hurry. [grabs the suitcase and hurries out the door. Saddam follows]

Saddam:

I love ya! [Kenny slaps his own head in disbelief]

[The USO show. The stage is set]

Announcer:

Ladies and gentlemen of the American Army, welcome to the USO show! [the troops begin to cheer] Get ready for loads of entertainment and fabulous celebrities, followed immediately by the nasty execution of Terrance and Phillip.

[A hill overlooking the show. The Mole leads the others to a good view]

The Mole:

This is the USO show, where those military bitches intend to kill Terrance and Phillippe.

Kyle:

Oh my God!

The Mole:

God? He is the biggest bitch of them all! [flicks one cigarette away and starts on another]

Stan:

We have to hurry. We rendez-vouse with the other kids at ten.

The Mole:

You realize that by doing this we could be grounded for two, perhaps even three weeks?

Stan:

We're willing to take that risk.

The Mole:

Then, let's go! [all walk down the hill]

[The USO show is about to begin]

Announcer:

[cheerfully] And now, here are your hosts for the evening: Sheila Broflovski, and Big Gay Al. [the troops cheer and hoot]

Sheila:

Al, tonight is a very special night. Do you know why?

Big Gay Al:

Ooh-hoo, they're having a sale at Merv's? [the troops laugh]

Sheila:

No. Because, we're going to abolish Canadian smut. [the trops clamor]

Big Gay Al:

[reads from a TelePrompTer] That's right, Sheila! Bring out the condemned! [the troops boo loudly as Terrance and Phillip are brought out and placed in the electric chairs]

Sheila:

Today is a great day for democracy! [the troops cheer]

Terrance:

Oh, Phillip. This is worse than that night I fell asleep and you put your dick in my mouth and took a picture!

Phillip:

I know, Terrance, I know.

Big Gay Al:

Well, Sheila, while you're getting set up over there, let's bring out our first act: Yippie the back-flipping dog! [the dog comes out and performs his act: yipping and doing back flips. A troop holds up a banner as other troops applaud]

* 82^nd AIRBORNE LOVES YIPPIE !! *

[The periphery. The Mole leads the others to some barbed wires and snips the bottom one]

The Mole:

Be careful not to touch this wire. [the boys move past the wires on their backs]

Cartman:

[gets snagged] Agh! Mother fucker! [bzzzt Stan returns and covers his mouth to calm him down] (Aw, fuck!) [bzzzt.] (Fuck!) [bzzzt] (Fuck!) [bzzzt. Stan leaves and Cartman follows]

The Mole:

[stands and sees the stage] Sheet! The USO show has started. We are running out of time! [the others catch up]

Kyle:

Do you see Terrance and Phillip?

The Mole:

[pulls out a Viewmaster and flips through the wild animal images] Yes, but they are heavily guarded. We have to dig from here so as not to be seen. Come on, bitches! [pulls out a shovel and starts digging]

Stan:

Hey, Mole. Do you know where the clitoris is?

The Mole:

Ze what?

Stan:

The clitoris. I have to find the clitoris so I can get this Wendy girl to like me aga— [the Mole turns and holds his shoulders]

The Mole:

Hey! You need to stop thinking with your dick! You have to be on your toes. Because I am not going to be grounded again! Not for you! Not for anybody!

[The USO show. Sheila paces the stage with her baton]

Sheila:

Men, when you're out there in the battlefield, and you're looking into the beady eyes of a Canadian as he charges you with his hockey stick or whatever he has, and people are dying all around you, just remember what the MPAA says: "Horrific, deplorable violence is okay, as long as people don't say any naughty words." That is what this war is all about! [the troops roar]

Terrance:

What?

[inside the periphery]

The Mole:

[peeks out of a tunnel hole] Sheet! [drops back in just before a searchlight moves over the hole, then pops back out. The place is swarming with soldiers and searchlights] Move move! [the boys pop out of the tunnel, rush towards a building, and stop at the wall] Okay, we will split up here. Let's synchronize watches.

Kyle:

…We don't have watches.

The Mole:

You don't have watches?

Stan:

Dude, you didn't say anything about watches!

The Mole:

[grabs Stan by the collar] What do you think this is, kid? TV kiddy hour where we all sit around and lick Barney the dinosaur's fucking pussy? Huh? This is real life, with consequences you take to the grave!

Kyle:

Dude, we don't have watches!

The Mole:

[drops Stan] Sheet! Did you bring ze mirror?

Stan:

[leafs through Cartman's backpack and shows each item as it is called] Got it.

The Mole:

And the rope?

Stan:

Check.

The Mole:

And the buttfor?

Kyle:

What's a buttfor?

The Mole:

For pooping, silly. [puffs and produces a large cloud of smoke] Now listen carefully. I will dig under the stage, and with that bedrock, I will need more time. Stan and Kyle, get near the stage and stall the show, any way you can. Do whatever it takes to keep that show going, until I get ze prisoners.

Stan:

Okay.

The Mole:

Cartman, over zere is the electrical box. You must sneak over there and shut it off before I return with Terrance and Phillippe, or ze alarms will sound, and I will be attacked by guard dogs. Got it?

Cartman:

Okay.

The Mole:

You must shut off the alarms! I fucking hate guard dogs!

Cartman:

I heard you the first time, you British piece of shit! [bzzzt] Ah! [walks away]

The Mole:

If anything goes wrong, make a sound like a dying giraffe.

Stan:

What's a dying giraffe sound like?

The Mole:

[cups his hands over his mouth and opens the cup each time he says,] Uwa. Uwa.

Stan:

'Kay.

The Mole:

Let's go!

Kyle:

Be careful, dude!

The Mole:

[looks at Kyle] Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger while I was still in ze womb? [turns around and begins tunneling]

Stan:

[he and Kyle watch the Mole disappear] Damn, dude, that kid is fucked up.

[The USO show, the stage.]

Big Gay Al:

How are those chairs coming, Sheila?

Sheila:

Al, we're minutes away! [the troops clamor]

Big Gay Al:

Super! In the meantime, here's pint-sized pixie and darling of the indie movie scene, Winona Ryder! [a helicopter land and she exits to the stage]

Winona Ryder:

Hi, guys!

Soldier:

[claps and says weakly] Ye-e-ea.

Winona Ryder:

I'm super-psyched to be here today. What you're doing for our country is so cool! I mean, war, man. Wow. War. You know? Wow. Okay! And now for your enjoyment, here's my famous ping pong ball trick! [sits down and opens her legs. From her point of view, balls fly out from between her legs and hit soldiers here and there. Many of them are stunned]

Big Gay Al:

[watching her perform] Oh, my!

[The electrical box. Cartman peeks from behind a wooden fence, then steps forward to the box]

Cartman:

[mocking the Mole] "Shut off ze power, Cartman. Zis is very important, Cartman." [drops back against a hidden wall. Two military police (MP) officers walk by]

MP 1:

Dude, did you hear what Winona Ryder's doing?

MP 2:

Ohh, we can't miss this!

[The USO show, the stage. Winona gets up. Turns out she was swatting ping pong balls with a paddle to the troops from between her legs]

Winona Ryder:

There, I didn't miss one! That's my ping pong ball trick! [smattering of applause, fanfare]

Big Gay Al:

Well, that's all the acts we have for you tonight, so let's just get on with the execution! [the troops clamor. Stan and Kyle find seats]

Stan:

Oh, no! We have to stall him.

Kyle:

More! More!

Troops, Stan, Kyle:

Yeah! More!

Big Gay Al:

Oh, you big sillies! You want to see more of me?

Stan:

Yeah! Big Gay Al! Big Gay Al!

Troops:

Big Gay Al! Big Gay Al!

Big Gay Al:

Well, I do have a little song I wrote about the war. [slaps his forhead] Oh, but we haven't rehearsed.

Stan:

Sing it!

Troops:

Yeah! Sing it!

Big Gay Al:

Oh, I can't.

Kyle:

Sing the fucking song!

Big Gay Al:

Well, all right. If you insist, I'll sing my song. [the troops cheer] I believe it goes a little bit… like this. [a grnad piano slides into place with its pianist. Al starts at center stage]
Bombs are flying.
People are dying.
Children are crying, politicians are lying, too.
[moves to the edge to be close to the troops. Troops light their lighters and hold them up like candles]

Cancer is killing.
Texaco's spilling.
The whole world's gone to hell, but how are you?

[appears in a star-spangled outfit.]

I'm super! Thanks for asking. [his dancers fan out behind him]
All things considered, I couldn't be better, I must say!
……[troops cheer, Stan makes small circles with his right hand]
I'm feeling super. Nah, nothing bugs me!
……[the dancers skip away, revealing his animal menagerie]
Everything is super when you're- Don't you think I look cute in this hat?

[Cartman slinks against a wall.]

I'm so sorry, Mr. Cripple, [a man on a wheelchair onstage]
But I just can't feel too bad for you right now.
Because I'm feeling so insanely super!
……[behind Al, musicians go up about 30 feet on lifts]
That even the fact that you can't walk can't bring me down.
……[plants his hat firmly on the crippled man's head.]

Choir:

He's super! Thanks for asking. [Dancers stream onstage from four directions]
All things considered, he couldn't be better, he must say!
……[the Mole digs on. Center stage rises]

Big Gay Al:

[as Lady Liberty] I'm super! No, nothing bugs me!

Some soldiers:

Woo! [Al then appears as a captain's First Mate]

Big Gay Al:

Everything is super when you're- Don't you think I look cute in this hat?
These little pants?
This matching tie
That I got at Merv's?
I'm super! [center stage lowers and pops open to reveal a pool]

Choir:

In the barracks and the trenches as well. [Al and his dancers hop onto the pool's edge]

Big Gay Al:

Stick 'em up! [dancers fall in and water-dance]

Choir:

Big Gay Al says, "Do ask, do tell!"

Big Gay Al:

Skittles! [dancers resurface and sit on either side of Al]

Choir:

Yes, he's super and he's proud to be fey.
……[Stan moves his hands up and down, palms up, to try for a big finish]

Big Gay Al:

Okay? [drops down]

Choir:

Everything is super when you're… gay!
[dancers fall away as the camera moves towards Al, who appears naked. Some dancers do high kicks while others moon the audience with pink briefs emblazoned with the MAC emblem on their seats]
When you're gay! [the troops cheer vigorously]

Stan, Kyle:

Again! Again!

[The electrical box. Cartman is set to turn it off when a voice distracts him.]

Cartman:

Who's there? Ey!

Kenny:

(Cartman, can you deliver a message for me, please?)

Cartman:

[turns. Kenny presents himself and seems to tell Cartman time is running out] Son of a gun! Heck!

Kenny:

(Just tell them that they're coming right now.)

Cartman:

They're coming?

Kenny:

(Yes, they're coming, right now! They're coming!)

Cartman:

But our moms won't listen to us!

Kenny:

[urgent] (I'm telling you for the last time: THEY'RE COMING!!)

Cartman:

Aaaaah! [runs away, forgetting to turn off the power switch]

[The USO show, the stage]

Big Gay Al:

Okay, everybody. [behind him, the Mole breaks through the stage floor next to Terrance and Phillip] Just wanna take a minute here to thank all our wonderful sponsors we had tonight on this USO show…

Stan:

[sees the Mole onstage] He's almost got 'em!

The Mole:

[Terrance and Phillip see him] Shh! We are here to rescue you! After I release you, follow me through the tunnel.

Cartman:

[reaches Stan and Kyle] You guys!

Stan:

What, Cartman?

Cartman:

Kenny! I saw Kenny again!

Kyle:

Did you shut the alarm off, Cartman? [Cartman freezes] Cartman?

Cartman:

[recovers] Whoops. [the alarms sound]

Kyle:

Oh, shit!

Stan, Kyle

Uwa! Uwa!

Soldier:

Hey, did you hear that? ["…Uwa!…"] Sounds like a giraffe is dying over there.

The Mole:

[a spotlight targets him] Ah! Sheet!

Sheila:

A spy!

General:

Get him! [the guard dogs are released and run after the Mole, who drops back into the tunnel. The dogs follow him in. Yippie stops at the hole and yips]

The Mole:

[as the dogs maul him in the tunnel] Sheet! Sheet!

Stan:

Oh, no! [rushes to the other end of the tunnel with Kyle and Cartman] Come on, Mole, come on!

The Mole:

Sheet! Sheet! Fucking guard dogs! Sheet! [rises from the tunnel, scarred and bloody] Ze alarms! Zey went off!

Cartman:

[sheepishly, taps his right foot on the ground] Yeah, that was my bad. Sorry.

The Mole:

[coughing and shivering, falls backwards, and Kyle catches him] Hold me; it's… so very cold. Zere is no hope now. You must get out of here.

Kyle:

We can't leave without you!

The Mole:

It's okay, I'm done for.

Kyle:

No! We can't leave without you. We don't know where the hell we are!

The Mole:

Where is your God when you need him, huh? Where is your beautiful, merciful faggot now? [coughs, then looks into the sky] Here I come, God. Here I come, you fucking rat! [coughs and flips God off, then has one more thing to say]

Now the light, she fades,
And darkness settles in.
But I will find strength, (Kyle: No, Mole! Hang on.)
I will find pride within. (We'll get you home.)
Because although I die, (I can't face my mother.)
Our freedom will be won. (Not alone.)
Though I die, La Resistance… lives…
On? …Ehh-ahhhh.

[the Mole dies and Kyle lets go. Music swells until…]

Kyle:

Shit!

[The USO show, the stage. Venit momentum veritatis.]

Big Gay Al:

Okay, folks, here it is. The moment we've all been waiting for: the execution! [troops cheer wildly]

[Hell. Satan is seeing all this through his crystal ball]

Satan:

The day is ours!

[The USO show, the stage. The boys arrive at the bleachers once more]

Big Gay Al:

Super!

Stan:

Oh no, dude, it's happening! We have to tell them about Saddam Hussein and Satan.

Kyle:

No way, dude! My mom can't see me here.

Stan:

Kyle, you have to stand up to your mother. Come on! [they move to the stage]

Sheila:

Gentlemen, do you have any last woids?

Phillip:

Last words? Let's see. How's aboot, "Get me the fuck out of this chair!" How's that for last words?

Sheila:

All right Anonymous, ready the switch! [Mr. Garrison grabs the handle]

Stan:

[rushes to a clearing near the stage with Kyle and Cartman] Wait!

Sharon:

Stanley!

Liane:

Eric!

Sheila:

Kyle!

Stan:

Go on, dude, tell her.

Kyle:

I… I can't. [hangs his head in shame]

Stan:

You can't kill Terrance and Phillip. If they die, Satan and Saddam Hussein are gonna come take over the world. [the mothers and soldiers laugh]

Sheila:

Throw the switch, Mr. Garrison!

Mr. Garrison:

Hey, I'm supposed to be Anonymous. [a second later he throws the switch. Electricity flashes all over the Canadians' bodies]

Sheila:

Goodbye, bastards!

Stan:

No! [Terrance and Phillip fart and laugh in agony as the electricity surges. The troops are in thrall.]

[The USO show. Bombs begin to fall on the bleachers from on high. A squadron of Canadian planes flies by]

Mr. Garrison:

The Canadians are attacking! Run for your lives! [rushes off stage. Troops fire back at the planes]

Cartman:

Come on, we have to shut off the power! [goes up on stage and does so, but the switch pricks him] Oh, fuck! [gets shocked] Wweeaakk! [gets stuck on the switch and endures more shocks]

Phillip:

[the surging electricity around the electric chairs shuts off] Hey, some fat little kid saved us!

Cartman:

Ey, you guys! Shut it down! [The locks pop open and Terrance and Phillip leave. Cartman then drops away] Shit!

[The USO show, now a battle field]

Stan:

[racing] Terrance and Phillip, wait! We have to get you to the rendez-vouse point! [a bomb explodes before him and knocks him back some distance. He falls on his face and passes out]

Jimbo:

Ned, behind you! [Ned fires away, then looks over his shoulder. He turns and fires at the Canadians behind him. Then he fires while turning 360 degrees. Jimbo gets a pistol and fires a few shots. Yippie runs around and yips as the armies fight.]

[The woods. Stan lies passed out away from the battle zone. Something nearby begins to throb and glow. Stan comes to, and looks.]

The Clitoris:

Be not afraid.

Stan:

Oh my God!

The Clitoris:

Behold my glory!

Stan:

What… are you?

The Clitoris:

I am the clitoris.

Stan:

The clitoris? I did it! I found the clitoris!

The Clitoris:

Stan! You must not let Terrance and Phillip's blood be spilled on the ground!

Stan:

Wait. You're supposed to tell me how to get Wendy to like me.

The Clitoris:

There are more important matters right now.

Stan:

No way, dude! I've looked all over for you, and now you have to tell me how to get Wendy to like me.

The Clitoris:

Dude, you just have to have confidence in yourself. Believe in yourself and others will believe in you. Chicks love confidence. Now go, hurry! The clitoris has spoken. [vanishes as La Resistance reaches Stan]

Wendy:

Stan! Stan, are you okay?

Gregory:

I see you've failed in your mission. I should not have sent a boy to do a man's job. [Wendy gets mad]

Stan:

[rises to his feet] Come on, everyone. We've got precious little time. [turns and walks away. The other kids follow]

[The battlefield]

Mr. Mackey:

Die Canadians, m'kay? [stabs one with a dagger]

Phillip:

[farts] Did you hear that, Terrance? I farted.

Terrance:

You did? Just now? [both laugh and walk away]

Kyle:

[trying to catch up to] Terrance and Phillip!

Cartman:

We have to get you to the rendez-vouse point. [he and Kyle come across a fallen Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat] Hey, it's Mr. Garrison!

Mr. Garrison:

[removes Mr. Hat from his hand] Children… take Mist-Mr. Hat. Please. Get him out of here! [Cartman takes Mr. Hat. A bomb goes off nearby]

Cartman:

[forced aside by the blast] Holy shit! […bzzzt] Man, this V-chip is getting all screwy! [he and Kyle move away]

Kyle:

Take cover in the trench. [they jump in]

[The trench. The general and his staff line the interior]

General:

All right, men! "Human Shields" up front, then "Operation: Get Behind the Darkies." [the men line up before the trench as ordered. A bomb lands next to the general and kills two of his men. He pushes them away] Remember "Human Shields": protect our tanks and planes, too! [Some darkies are tied to tanks, planes, and cannon barrels. The general looks through his binoculars and sees Canadian tanks converging en masse towards him] Holy mother of Jehosephat!

Canadian Commander:

Fire on my command!

Chef:

All right, squad. Just like I told you. [a Canadian tank targets the batallion] One… two…

Black Soldier:

Yis some people gonna die?

Canadian Commander:

Fire!

Chef:

…Three! [the battalion splits in two, the two halves running in opposite directions, exposing the white soldiers coming in]

General:

What in the—?! [the white soldiers are bombed away]

Black Soldier:

Great plan, Chef! [Chef and his men lie on their stomachs, shielding their heads]

Chef:

"Operation: Human Shield," my ass!

[A bluff. The mothers of South Park have gathered here to look over the battle]

Sharon:

Oh my God, this is terrible!

Sheila:

This is what we wanted! We wanted our children to be brought up in a smut-free environment!

Sharon:

[looks at Sheila] But we didn't want this! [moves forward with the other mothers]

Sheila:

Where are you going?

Sharon:

We're going to find our boys. For God's sake, Sheila, we're going to get them killed!

[The trench. Kyle and Cartman sit while the battle rages on above them]

Cartman:

Hey, Kyle. All those times I said you were a big, dumb Jew? I didn't mean it. You're not a Jew.

Kyle:

Yes I am! I am a Jew, Cartman!

Cartman:

No, no, Kyle. Don't be so hard on yourself. [a bomb lands nearby. He pulls Mr. Hat out] What the hell am I still holding this for? [tosses Mr. Hat into the field]

Mr. Garrison:

[in the distance] Mr. Hat! Nooo!

Kyle:

[begins to climb out] Fuck this, dude. I'm getting out of here, before I get in really big trouble.

Cartman:

[climbs out] I heard that!

Kyle:

Stan! [Stan arrives with La Resistance]

Stan:

Dude, I found the clitoris! So now I think I can get Wendy to like me again.

Kyle:

[cynically] Wow, that's swell, Stan!

Cartman:

[cynically] Yeah, I guess all's well that ends well, huh?! We can go home now, you dipshit! […bzzzt. Kyle is struck]

Kyle:

Ow!

Cartman:

[looks at his hands, puzzled] Boy, what's wrong with this thing?

Stan:

Come on! We can't let Terrance and Phillip die! Or else the whole world's gonna end.

[The battle field. Terrance and Phillip walk, then stop to see where they are]

Phillip:

Terrance, look! [the Army comes over a hill]

General:

There they are!

Terrance:

Oh, Phillip, we're done for!

General:

Alright, men, fire! [the men aim, but don't fire]

Phillip:

Goodbye, Terrance. [behind them, the La Resistance standard rises behind a hill, followed by La Resistance]

General:

What is this?

Stan:

Don't shoot!

Sheila:

I'll take care of this. Kids, get out of the way now! [the group does not move. Kyle goes and stands before Terrance and Phillip] Kyle!

Kyle:

I'm not gonna let you kill them, mom.

Sheila:

Whatwhatwhaaat??

Kyle:

I'm… not… moving! [the rest of La Resistance gathers around Terrance and Phillip]

General:

Stand down, children. You can still see fart jokes on Nickelodeon.

Stan:

No! This is about more than fart jokes! This is about freedom of speech. About censorship, [Wendy looks over at him and smiles] and… stuff.

Kyle:

What about Ike, huh mom? Did you forget that your own adopted son is Canadian? [the troops gasp]

Sheila:

[shaken] I'm… I-I-I'm doing very important things…

Kyle:

But mom, you never took the time to talk to me. Whenever I get in trouble, you go off and blame everybody else. But I'm the one to blame. Deal with me. You keep going off and fighting all these causes… But I don't want a fighter. I want my mom.

Soldier:

[lowers his gun and sobs] Poor little fella!

Sheila:

No! [takes the general's shotgun and shoot Terrance twice.]

Phillip:

Terrance! [Terrance falls. Sheila shoots Phillip twice and he falls.]

Kyle:

Holy shit, dude!

Sheila:

Young man, you watch your mouth! [blood oozes out of Phillip's chest and Sheila looks at it, surprised.]

[Body pile, nearby. Dead soldiers have been placed on this pile. The pile rumbles to life and a black twister shoots out from its center, creating a hell hole. Satan rises high in the air]

Satan:

Aaaah! [lands with tremendous force] My time has come!

Saddam:

[climbing out of the hell hole] You are all really fucked now!

General:

It's Saddam Hussein! Shoot him! [the soldiers fire, but the bullets simply bounce off his body]

Saddam:

[cackling] What a dumbass! [demons begin to pour of the hell hole and to pursue the soldiers. Kenny climbs out]

Satan:

[stands before Sheila] You have spilled the blood of the innocent! [she looks at him, dumbstruck] Now begins two million years of darkness!

Chef:

[sarcastic. Sheila look at him now] Oh, good job, Mrs. Broflovski! Thanks a lot!

Sheila:

I was just trying to make the world a better place for children.

Saddam:

Yeah! And you brought enough intolerance to the world to allow my coming. Now, everyone bow down to me! [soldiers, both Canadian and American, get on their hands and knees.] Yeah, ha-ha-ha-haaa! Yeah! Bend over!

General:

God, what have we done?

Satan:

[displaced, looks at] Saddam, I am the Dark Ruler, not you.

Saddam:

[slaps Satan on his back] Relax, bitch. You're better seen and not heard!

Kenny:

(Satan, you gotta do something!)

Satan:

I… can't.

Saddam:

Let's start by building a big statue of me. Right over there where that fat kid is standing.

Cartman:

Hey! Don't call me fat, buttfucker! [lightning goes forth from him and slams a demon onto a boulder. The demon dies, leaving his outline on the boulder. Cartman realizes he can direct the V-chip now]

Stan:

Yeah, Cartman. Do it!

Cartman:

[concentrates, his cap flies off] Damn! Shit! Respect my fuckin' authoritah! [streams of lightning strike Saddam]

Saddam:

Aaaah!

Cartman:

Yipe.

Saddam:

Hey! You need to watch your mouth, brat!

Cartman:

[concentrates] Dogshit taco! [Saddam is struck and lifted into the air. In slow-motion, he falls back on the snow and bounces]

Saddam:

Quick, Satan. Do something.

Cartman:

Try this on for size: blood-drenched frozen tampon popsicle! [Three waves of electricity slam into Saddam, pushing him back]

Saddam:

[gets up] Hey, buddy! I know I was mean before. But don't worry. I can change. [Satan gasps]

Cartman:

Okay. [reverts to normal and turns away. Saddam turns on the charm and the mothers gasp] Not! [turns to face Saddam and concentrates with all his might. He levitates and the camera circles him] Fuck! Shit! Cock! Ass! Titties! Boner! Bitch! Muff! Pussy! Cock! Butthole! Barbra Streisand! [a massive surge pins Saddam against a boulder and leaves his outline on it]

Saddam:

[howls in pain, but amid the howls] Relax, guy! [the surge stops, then, to Satan] What are you waiting for, bitch? Destroy him! [Cartman reverts to normal] Come on, you weak stupid cumbucket. Save me!

Satan:

That's it! I have had enough of you! [picks him up quickly, takes him to the edge of the hell hole, and throws him in]

Saddam:

[calling out as he falls] Aaaaaaaaaah! Heeeeeyy, guuuuuyy! Relaaaaax! [lands on a sharp stalagmite and gets impaled] Aaagh.

Satan:

[saddened] He spent so much time convincing me I was weak and stupid that I… believed it myself. [turns to Kenny] I have you to thank, little one. You showed me that I had to get away from him. Just make any wish you want, and I shall grant it.

Kenny:

(I want everything to go back to the way it was before.)

Stan:

[gasps] Are you sure, Kenny?

General:

What did he say?

Stan:

He said his wish is for everything to go back, the way it was, before this horrible war.

Chef:

Kenny, you realize that means you'd go back, too.

Kenny:

(I know, but I learned something today. In the end…) [continues speaking] (…and I knew I had to do it for all the lives in the world.)

Satan:

All very well, then. I will pull all my minions back. I guess I'm destined to live in Hell… alone. [notices Mr. Hat on a boulder] Hello! What's this? [picks it up and places it on his index finger] Hi there, little guy. Would you like to go to Hell with me?

Mr. Hat:

[Satan's falsetto] Sure. I bet we could be best friends, Mr. Satan.

Chef:

Feel free to come back and visit us any time you want, Satan.

Satan:

I just might do that.

Kyle:

Thank you, Kenny.

Stan:

Yeah, thanks for going back to Hell for us. You're a real pal.

Kenny:

[removes his hood] Goodbye, you guys. [smiles and vanishes. Satan jumps into the hell hole. The plumes of smoke near the hell hole twist into a spiral, and all the carnage left after the battle is sucked into the hell hole, which soon closes and disappears.]

[The battle field, day. The snow vanishes into grass and flowers pop up everywhere. Fallen people get up, rejuvenated. Gerald shrugs.]

Mr. Garrison:

I-I'm alive! Where's Mr. Hat?

Big Gay Al:

Wow! We were all dying, and now we're fine! That's super!

Terrance:

What the fuck's going on? [Phillip rises and helps him up]

Kyle:

You see, mom? After all that, it was Cartman's filthy fucking mouth that saved us all.

Sheila:

I'm sorry I didn't pay attention to you, Kyle. [kisses him. Nearby, Wendy kisses Stan, and he barfs all over her. She touches her cheek affectionately, ignoring the barf.]

Stan:

But Wendy, what about Gregory?

Wendy:

Oh, Stan, I never really cared for Gregory.

Stan:

You didn't?

Wendy:

No, dude. Fuck Gregory! Fuck him right in the ear! [Gregory gets mad]

Stan:

Yea! [looks up and away] Thank you, clitoris!

Chef:

[slow] Everything worked out. What a happy end!
Americans and Canadians are friends again.
[fast] So let's all join hands and knock oppression down!

Choir:

Good Lordy, I'm found!

The boys:

Don't you know our little lives are now complete?

The moms:

'Cause Terrance and Phillip are sweet.

Sheila:

Super sweet!

All:

Thank God we live in this
quiet
little
pissant
redneck
podunk
jerkwater
greenhorn
one-horse
mud-hole
peckerwood
right-wing
whistle-stop
hobmail
truck-drivin'
old-fashioned
hayseed
inbred
unkempt
out-of-date
out-of-touch
white-trash

The boys:

Kick-ass!

All:

Moun-
tain
town!

[while the people sing, each of the boys leads a line of people into view as the camera pulls back. They then appear together on a hill in front of the crowd. Tha camera pulls back some more, and a whale jumps out of an ocean]

Kyle:

Look! [A shooting star goes towards heaven. It is Kenny]

[Heaven. Kenny approaches the nude heavenly bodies again. Two angels come and give him wings, and he finally enters. Closing credits roll, D.V.D.A's "What Would Brian Boitano Do? Part II" and Michael McDonald's "Eyes Of A Child" play, and the film ends… almost]

[The Broflovski house, attic. Ike is still there, and a rat climbs up next ot him]

Ike:

Guys out there is hurted. [picks up the rat and eats it]