Mitgeschrieben und dem Planearium zur Verfügung gestellt von Willie Westwood (South Park Scriptorium)

Episode 705 - Fat Butt and Pancake Head


Principal Victoria
Mr. Mackey
Mr. Garrison
Mr. Slave
Liane Cartman
Latino Endowment Council members
Make Your Own Video cashier
BHI President and Aides
Men at Oscar celebration in "Jennifer Lopez"'s dream
Female Fan at concert
Dr. Doctor
Police Officers

Cartman's puppets

"Jennifer Lopez"
"Mitch Connor"

[South Park Elementary, day. Kyle is speaking to the school in the school gym, which is nicely decorated in the flags of many nations, both on the rafters and on the small stage set up at one end of the basketball court.]
Kyle:[wearing an argyle sweater] And in conclusion, the Latino community has provided America, and indeed, the entire world with innovations that we would be lost without. And that is my presentation on the role of Hispanics in American technology. Thank you. [cheers from the school crowd before him]
Principal Victoria:[approaches the mic] Okay, thank you, Kyle Broflovski.
Mr. Mackey:[as Kyle approaches him] That was very good, Kyle. I think the Latino Endowment Council was very happy with your presentation. Looks like you might win. [a shot of the council, which is comprised of five Latinos. ]
Principal Victoria:All right, students, members of the school board. Our last speaker will discuss the important role of Latinos in the arts. Here is... Eric Cartman. [reads again in disbelief] Eric Cartman? [a smattering of applause from the kids in the crowd]
Cartman:[approaches the mic with his left hand behind his back] Thank you. The Latino culture has been very influential on the arts in America. But you don't have to ask me. You can ask my special guest. Miss Jennifer Lopez.
Kids:Jennifer Lopez?
Kyle:No way.
Cartman:[shows off his left hand, which is open] Miss Lopez, come on out here. [the hand closes to become a fist, and that fist has a face and hair painted on it]
"Jennifer Lopez":[Cartman begins to speak in a Spanish cartoon accemt and his lips form a tiny smile as his hand begins to move] Hallooo. [the hand sports a small wig and a paper cutout of a woman's body hanging down from it. The cutout wears a white top and shorts and a heavy brown coat. The cutout's right hand sports some yellow bracelets]
Principal Victoria:[taken aback] Oh, Jesus Christ.
"Jennifer Lopez":My name is Hennifer Lopez. I eat tacos, y burritos.
Cartman:Ms. Lopez, would you like to talk about Lations and the arts?
"Jennifer Lopez":Oh sí, sí. But first I would like to put on my pretty dress.
Cartman:Oh, you mean this one? [whips out a doll's dress for the occasion]
"Jennifer Lopez":Oh sí sí sí. I like it very much.
Cartman:[fits the dress under his hand] There we go, Saright?
"Jennifer Lopez":Saright.
Cartman:That's a very pretty dress. [the Latino Endowment Council is shown again]
"Jennifer Lopez":It better be! I am Hennifer Lopez!
Cartman:Nonono, you're Jennifer Lopez
"Jennifer Lopez":Sí sí. [enunciating] Hennifer Lopez!
Cartman:Nono, Jeh-
"Jennifer Lopez":Heh-
"Jennifer Lopez":Heh-
"Jennifer Lopez":Jeh
Cartman:Jennifer Lopez
"Jennifer Lopez":Hennifer Lopez [members of the council laugh and clap]
A Council Member:Hahahahaha, oh my.
Cartman:Ms. Lopez, could you show everyone your example of Latino arts?
"Jennifer Lopez":Don't be fooled by all my money. I still like to eat tacos, honey. So crispy on the outside, so super good and yummy.
Cartman:And that is my presentation on Latinos in the arts. Thank you. [Much more cheer and applause for him. The school gives him a standing ovation. The members of the Latino Endowment council jump up and down with joy and pride. Stan and Kenny clap with everyone else, Kyle is just stunned.]
[South Park Mall, later. The boys walk down one side inside the mall. Cartman leads the way]
Cartman:Oh-hoh man! A twenty-dollar gift certificate at the mall! I can buy whatever I want! Cultural Diversity Day kicks ass!
Kyle:It isn't fair. I spent weeks preparing my speech on Latino culture.
Cartman:Hey, I spent weeks preparing too, Kyle.
Kyle:No you didn't, asshole! What you did was totally stupid and racist! And you only did it to screw me over!
Cartman:[walks up to Kyle] Awww, I don't think Kyle likes you, Ms. Lopez.
"Jennifer Lopez":Aww, that makes me muy triste.
Cartman:Ms. Lopez, do you like Kyle?
"Jennifer Lopez":Oh sí sí, very much.
Cartman:Ms. Lopez, would you like to give Kyle a kiss?
"Jennifer Lopez":Oh sí, sí sí, my kisses taste like tacos. [Cartman plants his fist on Kyle's lips and makes kissing noises, then removes the hand]
Cartman:Is nice?
"Jennifer Lopez":Is bery nice. He's so hansome. [Cartman puts the hand back on Kyle's mouth and resumes the kissing noises]
Kyle:[swats Cartman's hand away]Stop it!
Cartman:Hey, come one guys! We can use part of my gift certificate to buy food at the food court.
Kenny:(Woohoo!) [the boys go to the food court]
[South Park Mall, later. The boys walk down the mall. Cartman's hand is finishing off a taco as he looks at it.]
"Jennifer Lopez":Mmm, tacos! So yummy!
Kyle:Stop wasting the tacos on your hand, Cartman!
Cartman:Hey, Ms. Lopez has to eat, too.
Kyle:She's not eating it, it's just comint out her backside!
"Jennifer Lopez":When you eat a taco it comes out your backside too, cholo!
Kenny:(Heheehee, heheh yeahah)
"Jennifer Lopez":Look look! Make your own music video! [they stop in front of a "U R Da Star", a music-video shop]
Kyle:Nonono, we're not going into one of those cheesy places, Cartman!
Cartman:I agree. Those places are stupid.
"Jennifer Lopez":It's not stupid. I need to make music video.
Stan:[to Cartman's hand] Look, we're not going in there, so just-! Wait, why the hell am I talking to your hand? [slaps Cartman's hand down] Look, we're not going in there, so just knock it off!
Cartman:Hey, I'm on your guys's side.
"Jennifer Lopez":[rises] Just wait one minute, let me see how much it is. [leads Cartman in. Stan and Kenny follow]
Kyle:God damnit! [follows reluctantly]
Cashier:Welcome to Make Your Own Video. All set to rock and roll?
"Jennifer Lopez":How much to make a video?
Cashier:Uh, well, it's nine ninety five for a three-minute tape.
Cartman:Heh! We're not paying nine ninety five!
"Jennifer Lopez":Oh please! Come on, guys!
Kyle:Cartman, will you stop this gayness?!
Cartman:All right all right, here's ten dollars! [takes out the bill and hands it to the cashier]
Kyle:That's not what I meant!
Cashier:All right, just come over here and stand in front of the green screen. [Cartman walks over to the screen] What kind of song do you want?
"Jennifer Lopez":Something warm and spicy. [turns on his tape deck. The first song heard is an early rock song] Spicier. [next is a cool Latin song] Spicierrr! [next is a hot Latin number. This is agreeable, so the video is made: "Jennifer Lopez: Taco-Flavored Kisses" The background and the music are bold, and the hand has its little costume hanging down from it]
Burrito. Taco taco. Burrito. Taco. Taco taco.
Don't think that just because I got a lot of money
I'll give you taco-flavored kisses, honey!
Fulfill all your wishes with my taco-flavored kisses.
Taco taco. Burrito Taco taco.
Cashier:You know, I've seen a lot of videos here at the mall, and that was by far the best!
"Jennifer Lopez":Oh, gracias, "Machél"! [the cashier's tag reads "Michael"]
Cashier:Hey, I've got a friend who's interning at a big record label in L.A. I'll send a copy on to him and maybe he'll get the bigwigs to see ya.
"Jennifer Lopez":Oh, gracias, Machel, gracias!
Kyle:Can we go now, please?!
Cartman:Yeah, I wanna leave.
Kyle:Stop it, Cartman!
[BHI records, L.A. day. The tape is being played on a massive screen in an office.]
"Jennifer Lopez":Fulfill all your wishes with my taco-flavored kisses.
Taco taco.
BHI President:She's fantiastic. Who is she? [two men sit on a sofa, one sits on an armchair]
Aide 1:[with brown hair] Believe it or not, her name is Jennifer Lopez
Aide 2:[in armchair] That makes sense. She reminds me of J-Lo.
BHI President:Yeah, but she's younger and spicier.
"Jennifer Lopez":Taco taco. Burrito Taco taco.
Aide 2:I don't think J-Lo would like it very much if we signed this new girl.
BHI President:No, you're right. We're gonna have to fire J-Lo.
[Cartman's house, day. The phone rings in the kitchen and he answers it.]
Cartman:Hello? ...BHI records? ...Oh, it's for you, Ms. Lopez. [hands the phone to "her"]
"Jennifer Lopez":Oh, sí sí sííí. Allo!
Cartman:What do they want?
"Jennifer Lopez":[looks at Cartman] Just a second, I'm trying to hear.
"Jennifer Lopez":S'awright. [returns to "her" call] Yes yes, this is Ms. Hrrrlopez. Uh huh. [gasps and screams "her" head off]
Cartman:What? What?
"Jennifer Lopez":Oh my God I can't believe it!!!
Cartman:[puts the phone to his ear] Hello hello, are you still there?
"Jennifer Lopez":They want to sign me to the rrrecord companyyy!
Cartman:You want to sign Ms. Lopez?
"Jennifer Lopez":Oh my God, it's happening for me!
Cartman:Yes! Yes, we can record an album next week! Sure we can write ten songs! We'll start tonight!! [hangs up and grins] We're gonna be rich!
"Jennifer Lopez":We're gonna be famose!
Cartman:Come on, we gotta get to work on some songs! [runs off]
[Cartman's house, night. Cartman is on his bed writing away on a notepad]
Cartman:There. That's three more songs we've written already! Your style of music is so easy it doesn't require any thought at all!
"Jennifer Lopez":Oh, sí sí sííí.
Cartman:[scoots back to his bedside lamp and turns it off, then settles under the covers] Okay, Ms. Lopez, time to go to sleep. [rubs off her open eyes and paints some closed lids on his hand.]
"Jennifer Lopez":Ohh, I'm so sleeeepyyy.
Cartman:Good night, Ms. Lopez. Tomorrow is gonna be a great day. Great day tomorrow... [begins to dream of taunting Kyle] Tomorrow... [his dream begins at the bus stop] "Kyle, you were wrong! We did do a record deal!" [in class, sitting next to each other] "You were wrong, Kyle!" [in the cafeteria, as Kyle walks by with his lunch] "Nananananaaana!" [on the bus ride home] "Hahahahahaaaha!" [imagers of Kyle come forth, crying] "Nananananaaana!" "Hahahahahaaaha!" [in his sleep] Awesommme. Yeeessss.
"Jennifer Lopez":[has dreams of its own] Aaahhhh. Aaahhhh.
[An Oscar ceremony. Two Oscars stand guard over a red carpet. On either side of the carpet is a crowd of people. A limo pulls up and a hand floats out of it.]
Man 1:Ms. Lopez! Up here!
Man 2:Jennifer, We love you Jennifer!
Man 3:Jennifer, over here.
Man 4:Jennifer!
[A concert. Her first single is thumping away, and she appears as just a hand, floating over the stage floor]
Female fan:[stageside] We love you Jennifer! [roses land onstage. Shots of three magazines follow.]
"Jennifer Lopez":[back to Cartman's room] Aaahhhh.
[BHI Records, Los Angeles, day. The president and his men are in a meeting when he looks up]
BHI President:Ah, Ms. Lopez, come on in.
Jennifer Lopez:[carrying a toy poodletakes a seat and removes her glasses] Yo, make it quick. I got a video shoot at two and a script reading at five.
BHI President:Yes, well uh, Ms. Lopes, we regret to inform you that, uh... we're dropping you from the label.
Jennifer Lopez:What? Oh no you di'n't!
Aide 1:We wanna thank you for all your hard work and ..."talent".
Jennifer Lopez:[pounds her table] You can't drop me! I'm Jennifer Lopez! How can you drop me?!
BHI President:Wu-well a very talented younger singer has come to our attention and, and the truth of the matter is her name happens to be Jennifer Lopez as well. And we really can't have two here at BHI Records.
Jennifer Lopez:Who the hell is this other Jennifer Lopez?! Where 'os she come from?!
Aide 1:Well, she lives in South Park, Colorado now, but uh I believe she originally from Mexico, just like you.
Jennifer Lopez:I don't come from no Mexico! I'm Puer'ah Rican!
BHI President:Whatever. Look, it's nothing persona, we just think you need to move on.
Aide 2:Bu- AND you're a mean-spirited bitch who spits on people who aren't rich and famous.
[A limosine, from the back seat. A small TV is on near the floor, behind the driver.]
Reporter:And sources say that the new film will star Ben Affleck.
Ben:[sitting at the other end of the passenger cabin] Huhuhuh, that's me. [a door opens opposite him and J-Lo enters] How'd it go, baby?
Jennifer Lopez:Terrible, Ben! Some girl in Colorado is trying to become the new Jennifer Lopez! [her dog begins to bark] Shut up! [a few more barks and she tosses him out the window.]
Ben:What?? Who could replace you??
Jennifer Lopez:[tries to get the driver's attention] Yo driver. Stupid driver!
Driver:[looks back] Yes, ma'am. Where to?
Jennifer Lopez:Take me to South Park, Colorado! I'm gonna kill that bitch!!
[South Park Elementary, day. The kids file in to class. Many of them are already seated. Butters is looking out the window]
Cartman runs up:Hay everybody! Listen up! I've got somethng to tell Kyle! [Slience.]
Kyle:[decide to answer] ...What?
Cartman:[approaches him] Hahahahahaaaha! Hahahahahaaaha! Hahaha, Hahaha, Hahahahahahaha!
Stan:What are you gloating about?
Cartman:Oh, I'm not gloating. I just got a little call from a recond company in Los Angeles and, they want Ms. Lopez to recored an album next week.
Kids in Class:Wow, really?
Cartman:[a slight gloat arises] Yup, looks like I'm gonna be rich. [nods to his hand] And famous.
Mr. Garrison:Olay, children, let's take our seats. If you'll remember yesterday we were discussing state capitals.
Butters:[pipes up and turns to the class] Hey, a big limosine just pulled up in front of the school!
Mr. Garrison:Butters, will you pay attention, please?
Butters:Holy smokes, it's Jennifer Lopez!
Cartman:Jennifer Lopez?
"Jennifer Lopez":Yes?
Butters:Holy geez wow! There's Ben Affleck, too!
A Boy:Wow, cool! [the kids leave their seats and head for the window]
Mr. Garrison:Will you kids shut up? [puts his book away and walks to the window] Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck are not-! Oh my God, that's Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. [the limo has pulled up. Jennifer and Ben climb out of the limo and the driver directs them to the office.]
Mr. Slave:Oh Jesus, will you look at those boots?
Mr. Garrison:Well what are we waiting for? Let's get outside! [rushes out and the cheering class and Mr. Slave follow]
[South Park Elementary, outside, later. Word gets around and all of the school comes out to see for itself]
Principal Victoria:Is it true? Jennifer Lopez is here?
Mr. Mackey:Here she comes! Here she comes!
Jennifer Lopez:Okay! What smart-mouthed little punk-ass bitch has been saying they're the new Jennifer Lopez, huh?!
Principal Victoria:[Mr. Adler takes a picture] J-Lo, can we get a picture of you with the kids?
Jennifer Lopez:[begins pacing] No! Shut up! If I find the ho who thinks she's taken my career from me, I'm gonna wring her pretty little neck! [reaches the other end of the crowd] So, nobody want's to fess up, huh? Too scared to talk?! You'd better remember, bitch, that I'll come and take you down if you ever say anythin' again! [walks away]
"Jennifer Lopez":[a few seconds later...] You can suck my culo, chica! [Cartman looks up, stunned, as Jennifer Lopez returns to the crowd]
Jennifer Lopez:[looks around] Who was that?! [all the kids back away from Cartman] You go' a problem?!
Cartman:Not me!
Jennifer Lopez:Then who? [Cartman brings out his hand and points to it with the other]
"Jennifer Lopez":Hola, bitchola! [Cartman is looking ever more fearful]
Jennifer Lopez:What the hell is that?!
"Jennifer Lopez":My name is Hennifer Hlopez! And I like tacos, and burritos.
Jennifer Lopez:That? That's what replaced me?!
Cartman:I'm sure it was just a mistake.
"Jennifer Lopez":Only mistake was when this ghetto trash got signed in the first place!
Cartman:Shut your God-damned mouth!
Jennifer Lopez:You fucking smartass, who do you think you are?!
"Jennifer Lopez":I am Yennifer Hrlopez! I eat tacos, and burritos!
Jennifer Lopez:Fuck you! [begins to assault Cartman's hand]
Cartman:Yaaaaah! Wait! I'm sorry! Ah I'll stop! I'll stop!
Jennifer Lopez:You'd better stop!
Cartman:I will
Ben:[walks up to join Jennifer] Come on, Jenny, let's go
Bebe:Wow, Ben Affleck.
Ben:We shouldbe getting back to the uh... [something grabs his attention. Cartman looks away. Ben begins to fall for this new Jennifer Lopez]
Jennifer Lopez:Don' you forget what'll happen to you, ho! Come on, Benny! [drags him off, but he glances back at the new Jennifer Lopez. He follows the original Lopez into the limosine, looking back one more time. As the limo leaves, Ben looks back one more time as if blowing a kiss. The crowd then disperses]
Kyle:Well, there you go, fatass! I hope you learned your lesson.
Cartman:Yeah. I sure did. I don't think I should record that album now.
"Jennifer Lopez":[rises once more] Or maybe I shou-ould.
Kyle:Aw, God-damnit!
Cartman:Ohnonono, Ms. Lopez.
"Jennifer Lopez":Ohsísísí, señor.
Kyle:That does it. I'm out. [walks off]
"Jennifer Lopez":Oh, where are you going, Kyle? Come give me kisses!
[Music Lab Recording Studios, night.]
Aide 1:All right, Ms. Lopez, take it from the top. [music begins. Cartman is on a stool with his puppet at his side.]
"Jennifer Lopez":Baby let's make a run for the border,
I've got a hunger only tacos can stop.
I know exactly what I ordered
Three tacos two tostadas and a soda pop.
BHI President:Gentlemen, we have ourselves a hit.
"Jennifer Lopez":I need to make a run for the border,
If you pay I'll take off my top.
Do you remember what I want to order?
Three tacos two tostadas and a soda pop.

Yeah yeah, and don't forget the hot sauce, Cholo!
[Cartman's house, night. He's asleep, dreaming]
"Jennifer Lopez":Don't think just because I got money
I won't still give you taco-flavord kisses, honey.
I'm gonna fulfill all your sexy wishes
Give you lots of taco-flavored kisses
Cartman:What the hell are you doing?
"Jennifer Lopez":I'm practicing my dancinngg!
Cartman:Look, we spent all night at the recording studio. Now it's time to sleep!
"Jennifer Lopez":Dancing!
"Jennifer Lopez":Dancing!
Cartman:[slowly] Sleep!
"Jennifer Lopez":[slowly, invitingly] Dancing
Liane:What's the matter, sweetie?
Cartman:Ms. Lopez won't go to sleep!
[Cartman's house, day. Ben Affleck approaches the front door with a bouquet of flowers and knocks on the door]
Cartman:[real tired] Heyesss.
Ben:Hey, I was wondering if I could talk to Ms. Lopez.
Cartman:[hides his left hand] She's not here right now.
"Jennifer Lopez":[muffled] Ben? Is that my darling Ben?
Ben:Jenny? Yes, Jenny, eheh, it's me! Where are you? Please, I-I have to see her! [Cartman sighs deeple, then shows his hand to Ben]
"Jennifer Lopez":Ben!!! Oh, you bought me rrrrroses!
Ben:Jenny, I just can't stop thinking about you. [lowes the bouquet to Cartman, who takes it away angrily]
"Jennifer Lopez":I can't stop thinking about you either, Ben!
Ben:I've been meaning to write a song or a poem, but I have no talent.
"Jennifer Lopez":I know, my darleeeng. That's okay.
Ben:Will you just take a ride with me in my awesome car?
"Jennifer Lopez":Oh Ben, I would LOVE to!
"Jennifer Lopez":'Scuse me one second, Ben. [whips towards Cartman] Don't you ruin this opportunity for me! How can you stand in the way of this?!
Cartman:I'm not going out in his car.
"Jennifer Lopez":I'm not gonna let you blow this one chance I have.
Cartman:I don't care. I'm supposed to sit here and do my homework.
"Jennifer Lopez":Don't you dare [becomes unintellible]
Cartman:I don't care, 'cause I'm the one that's gonna get in trouble if you don't-! Okay, okay, wait, okay um, fine fine fine!
"Jennifer Lopez":Okay, Ben, let's go!
[A mountain road. Ben and Cartman drive along at a fast clip]
"Jennifer Lopez":Oh Ben, I am soo happy! The cool breeze blowing through my hair in your sexy automobile.
Ben:Let's spend the whole day together!
[a soft song plays. The next scene is a dawn on a beach, where "Jennifer Lopez" and Ben run side by side. Next is a restaurant where Ben has some wine while "Jennifer Lopez" enjoys a martini. Next scene, they're watching a movie together. "Jennifer Lopez" has her own seat between Ben and Cartman. Bem stretches and puts his hand on the headrest behind "Jennifer Lopez". Cartman looks, then looks away angrily. Next scene is at a jewelry store, where Ben picks out some earrings for "Jennifer Lopez". "Jennifer Lopez" opens her mouth in delight and Ben smiles. Next scene, Ben is resting on Cartman's lap and chatting with "Jennifer Lopez". Again, Cartman looks away in disgust. Last scene is undercover photos taken of Ben and "Jennifer Lopez", which end up on The National Inquisition.]
"Jennifer Lopez":Oh Ben, you are so perfect, so spectacularrr in every way
You bring light into my life, Ben. You almost make me forget all about...
Tacos! Oh, tacos, so good in my tummy yummy yummy give me more.
I love you, Ben. You almost make me forget about...
Ben:Jenny, I have to tell you something. I... I think I love you.
"Jennifer Lopez":Hoohh, I love you too, Ben! [Cartman looks away in disgust] But...
Ben:But what?
"Jennifer Lopez":But what if you still have feelings for the slut with the large ass?
Ben:[pulls off to the side, with South Park in view.] I still care for her. Maybe I always will. But... You just have so much more going on. Up here. [strokes the top of Cartman's hand]
"Jennifer Lopez":Oh Ben. Beennn.
Ben:Jenny, can I kiss you?
Cartman:[reacts] NO!
"Jennifer Lopez":Yes! Oh yes, Ben, kiss me! [Cartman looks in wonder as his hand gets a mind of its own]
Cartman:Aw, God damnit! [looks away in disgust once more. Ben begins to give French kisses to "Jennifer Lopez" and the hand responds] Aww- awww, dude!
Ben:Mmm, just like tacos.
"Jennifer Lopez":Taco-flavored kisses for my Ben.
Ben:You're so hot, baby.
"Jennifer Lopez":I make you hot, Ben?
Ben:Mm, yeah. [grabs the hand and kisses it for a while, then lets go. The hand drops down into Ben's pants] Oh, Jenny. [the zipper goes down on his pants] Oh Jenny! ["Jennifer Lopez" bobs up and down]
"Jennifer Lopez":[pops up to say] Ben... [drops down again]
Ben:Oh God, Jenny!
"Jennifer Lopez":Oh, Ben, I adore you! [looks at Ben's actions, then at what his hand is doing...]
Cartman:OHH, SICK!! AWW THAT'S IT! [opens his door, hops out, and walks away] WE'RE LEAVING NOW!!
Ben:But I love her!
"Jennifer Lopez":Ben!
Ben:Jenny! Jenny, I'll call you!
"Jennifer Lopez":I love you, Ben!
[Music Lab Recording Studio, night. "Jennifer Lopez" is recording new tracks. Cartman is practically sleeping on the job as his hand belts out new tunes]
"Jennifer Lopez":Ooo baby baby, can I have your tacos?
Two tacos chulo, too. I'm just Jenny from the hood.
Ooo, can I have your tacos? Oh-
stop. Stop, stop. STOP! [the band stops playing] What the hell is wrong with you?! You cholos can't even keep a beat! I deserve better than thees! I an Hennifer Lopez! Where is my water?! [a page brings "her" a bottle of water] Not Evian, Pellegrino, you stupid beetch!
Aide 2:Uh, that's fine Ms. Lopez. Look, it's been a long night. Why don't we pick it up in the morning?
"Jennifer Lopez":Fine my ass, cholo! [Cartman wakes up and looks at his hand] I'll tell you when it's fine!
[Music Lab Recording Studio, night, back entrance. Cartamn exits and goes down three steps.]
"Jennifer Lopez":Stupid idiots! How am I supposed to make an album with those cholos?! [a bat hits a car nearby]
Jennifer Lopez:[stands next to the car she just bashed] You little snot-nose! [Cartman is taken aback] You ruin my career and now you're trying to steal my man?! [holds up the tabloid shown earlier]
Cartman:Aww crap.
Jennifer Lopez:You'd better stay away from him! [begins whacking away at Cartman's hand]
Cartman:OW! OW! OH JESUS! OW!
[Hell's Pass Hospital, next day. Dr. Doctor is showing Liane, Cartman's mother, an X-ray of her son's hand]
Dr. Doctor:Your son's hand has a hairline fracture and two dislocated fingers.
Liane:Oh dear.
Dr. Doctor:But I'm more concerned about his state of mind. Your son appears to be completely insane.
"Jennifer Lopez":[on its own hospital bed, with wires attached] Ahhh Ahhhh [Cartman sits in a chair displeased]
Cartman:I told you this would happen. [Kyle, Stan and Kenny show up.]
"Jennifer Lopez":Oh, hello guys.
Kyle:Cartman, you need to stop this stupid little game you're playing!
"Jennifer Lopez":Oh, Kyle, why you no like meee?
Cartman:Kyle is right, Ms. Lopez. From now on, we're staying away from Ben Affleck.
Kyle:I hate you. [turns right and walks out]
Liane:Come on, sweetie. Doctor says you need to get home and get lots of rest.
[Cartman's house, morning. A cock crows. Cartman, asleep, stretches and wakes up, then glances to his left.]
Cartman:EHAGH! [next to him is Ben Affleck, naked and relaxed] Moooooommmm! [Ben wakes up]
Liane:[enters with a cup of coffee abd wearing a green robe] What is it, sweetie?
Cartman:Ben Affleck is naked in my bed!
Liane:Oooo, looks like the tooth fairy was extra-happy with youuu. [backs out of the room and closes the door.]
"Jennifer Lopez":Buenos días, my love.
Ben:Good morning, baby.
Cartman:You have to get out of here! Jennifer Lopez is gonna kick my ass again!
"Jennifer Lopez":He's not going anywhere! Ben and I were up all night making love.
Cartman:What? Oh- AWWW! [wipes his hand off on his Williken bears pajamas] Ben Affleck's spooge!!
Ben:Should we tell him the news?
Cartman:What news?
"Jennifer Lopez":I think we should tell him.
Ben:It's S'aright?
"Jennifer Lopez":S'aright.
Ben:We're getting married!!
Cartman:Oh, balls!
[Kyle's house, day. He, Stan and Kenny watch TV on the couch. The doorbell rings]
Kyle:Come in. [the bell rings again.] COME IN!! [Cartman enters wearing an oven mitt over his left hand.]
Cartman:[sad] Guys, I need to talk to you.
Stan:What's the matter?
Cartman:I can't handle it anymore. All the fame and the Ben Affleck spooge, I... I just can't go on living with Ms. Lopez.
Kyle:So stop doing it!
Cartman:Stop doing what?
Kyle:You know God-damn well what! Now get outta here!
Cartman:Please, you guys. It's like, I can't even have a moment to myself anymore. See? [removes the oven mitt and "Jennifer Lopez" emerges coughing]
"Jennifer Lopez":Don't you dare ever do that to me again!
Kyle:Aw, stop it, Cartman! Your hand hand doesn't need to breathe!
"Jennifer Lopez":You try being in an oven mitt for two hours!
Kyle:I can see your lips moving!
"Jennifer Lopez":I can see your lips moving too, culo!
Kyle:See?! I just saw your lips move!
Cartman:Look! I'm just asking you guys for help. Will you please help me with Ms. Lopez.
Stan:What's she doing?
Kyle:Come here! [drags him off to the dining room] You're not actually buying this crap, are you?!
Stan:I don't know, meh, maybe he can't help it.
Kyle:Look, he knows full well what he's doing, and he's just waiting for us to buy into it, and then he'll laugh and point at our faces and say, "Haha, I got you guys to believe me!" "You guys are stupid!"
Stan:Dude, do you really he would go through all this just to make [us feal dumb?
Kyle:YES, dude! [they then walk back into the living room]
Stan:Cartman, we decided that if you can be mature and admit to everyone that you've gotten yourself into this mess, then we'll help you.
Cartman:Okay, okay, I know that I control everything Ms. Lopez does.
"Jennifer Lopez":Oh no you don't!
Cartman:Quiet, Ms. Lopez.
Kyle:Out! [walks off. Stan and Kenny follow him out]
Cartman:Guys... Uh... Uh... [dejected, he turns away and walks out the front door]
[Outside, day. Cartman reaches the sidewalk when he sees something]
Ben:There you are, Jenny! I've been lookin' all over for you, baby! [Cartman decides to run in the other direction] Jenny? [Cartman sees a car pull up in front of him and the ]
Aide 1:Ms. Lopez, you were due in the studio two hours ago! Come on! [Cartman decides to ran back towards Ben, but runs into a pair of female legs]
Jennifer Lopez:[disheveled, wielding a running chainsaw over her head] So you're gettin' married, huh? [revs up the motor, and Cartman makes his escape, screaming. In the background, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny have stepped out the door to see what's going on.]
Ben:Don't you hurt her!
BHI President:We'll sue you!
Kyle:Oh Jesus.
[A bridge over a wide river, day. Jennifer Lopez has followed Cartman here. Cartman screams. A police car pulls up from the other end of the bridge. The driver steps out, and both officers drraw their guns at Jennifer Lopez, now unrecognizable]
Police Officer 1:Freeze, leafblower! [she drops the chainsaw and holds her hands up]
Aide 1:Arrest that woman! She wants to kill one of our artists! [the arrest is made]
Police Officer 2:All right, you're going downtown, bean-breath.
Ben:[rushes up to "Jennifer Lopez"] Jenny! Oh, I thoughth I was goin' lose you! Let's run away and get married tongiht!
Aide 2:Hey, she can't get married tonight, she has a recording session! [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny arrive]
Ben:Our love is like rain!
Jennifer Lopez:That's what you said about me, asshole!
"Jennifer Lopez":Quiet!
BHI President:Get her out of here!
Jennifer Lopez:Fuck you!
Police Officer 2:Shut up, picante pants!
"Jennifer Lopez":Everyone be quiet! [Everyone stops what they're doing and look at the hand] I'm... I'm not who you think I am.
BHI President:You're not?
"Jennifer Lopez":No. It was all a lie. A lie I cannot contimue anymore. I am not Hennifer Lopez. I am... [Cartman rips off the small wig he had on his hand and delivers a new voice] ...Mitch Connor. [everyone gasps]
Police Officer 2:Who is Mitch Connor?
"Mitch Connor":Just your run of the mill con man. I've been moving from town to town, scamming people since I was fifteen. But I'm tired of running.
Kyle:[exasperated] Oh no, no no, nonono.
"Mitch Connor":I've been a cheater all my life. And now I've ruined a singer's career, lost a record company millions, and cost this little boy his precious time.
Kyle:Stop. It.
"Mitch Connor":Mostly, I'm sorry to you, Ben. I'm sorry I played Tiddly Winks with your heart. [Ben begins to sob. Cartman walks to one side of the bridge] But it's over now. The cyanide pill I took should be taking effect very soon. Hmph, looks like the sun is goin' down. I wonder, will I dream? [as the sun drops below the horizon, Cartman opens his hand and a gust of wind is heard. Whatever was possessing the hand parted. Ben sobs once more as Cartman just stares in wonder]
Police Officer 2:Well, looks like Mitch Connor has cashed in his last chips. [everyone disperses except the boys. Ben stays on for a second, but he, too, leaves.]
Kyle:[the boys step forward] Dude, who the hell is Mitch Connor?
Cartman:I don't know, Kyle, all right? Look, I don't care what you guys believe. But with all the crazy stuff that goes on in this town, isn't it possible, just possible, that something I don't understand happened here?
Kyle:[resigns] All right. [Cartman beams] All right, I guess it's possible.
Cartman:[dances back to the other three boys] Hahahahahaaaha! [into Kyle's face] I got you kinda! I got you kinda!
[A fast-food Mexican Restaurant, La Taco. People are enjoying their food, one person is waiting for his order, and there are employees behind the counter. One of them looks familiar...]
Manager:Okay, Ms. Lopez, over here we have the toppings station. This is where all your cheeses and lettuce go on. [a man carrying a large tray walks up behind Lopez and bumps into her] .
Jennifer Lopez:[jumping to one side] Ow. Look out, muffinhead!
Manager:Ahh, look, Ms. Lopez, uh, if you're gonna be a member of the La Taco family, you're gonna have to learn to get along with people.
Jennifer Lopez:Get a what with who?
Manager:Uh why don't you start chopping those onions and I'll come check on you a little later?
Jennifer Lopez:[begins chopping the onions] This is bullshit! How the fuck did I end up working in a La Taco?! I had six platinum records and I starred in five Hollywood movies!
Coworker:Yeah. Me too.
[End of Fat Butt and Pancake Head]
"Jennifer Lopez":Oh Ben, you are so perfect, so spectacularrr in every way
You bring light into my life, Ben. You almost make me forget all about...
Tacos! Oh, tacos, so good in my tummy yummy yummy give me more.
I love you, Ben. You almost make me forget about...