Randy and Sharon Marsh
Blonde and Brunette Nurses
Polly Prissy Pants
Precious, the rubber poodle
Girl 1 (orange hair)
Girl 2 (black hair)
Boy 1 (blond hair)
Boy 2 (brown hair, with a bang)
|[Cartman's house, morning. Stan, Kyle, and Tweek show up. Stan rings the doorbell. Liane comes to the door]|
|Liane:||Oh, hello boys.|
|Stan:||Hi. Uh, the school called and said we all have to start going to class again.|
|Liane:||Oh, but I thought your teacher died.|
|Kyle:||She did, but now they're saying we have to start going back to school anyways. It's totally gay.|
|Liane:||Oh. Well, I'll tell Eric. He's just down in the basement playing with his dolls. [turns and walks off]|
|Tweek:||Cartman likes to play with dolls?|
|[Cartman's basement. He's playing with a rubber lamb at the edge of a hole in the basement.]|
|Cartman:||[strokes the lamb and sets it aside] Hello, Precious. Yes, that's a good Precious. [grabs a basket with a bottle of lotion sitting inside and lowers it down a hole in the basement. The basket stops when it reaches Polly Prissy Pants, which sits at the bottom of the hole] Now it takes the lotion from the basket.|
|Polly Prissy Pants:||[Cartman voicing] Oh please, mister. Please let me out of here.|
|Cartman:||It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.|
|Poodle:||[Cartman voicing] Bark bark bark bark!|
|Cartman:||Yes, that's a good Precious. Okay, now it puts the lotion back in the basket.|
|Polly Prissy Pants:||Please, mister, let me out.|
|Cartman:||It puts the lotion back in the basket!|
|Polly Prissy Pants:||I miss my Mom, mister. I wanna see my Mommy-|
|Cartman:||[throws a fit] Put the lotion in the fuckin' basket!|
|Liane:||You have to get ready for school|
|Cartman:||[thinks a bit, then looks up] ...No, our teacher's dead. Remember?|
|Liane:||Yes, but they said two weeks off was enough, and they want everyone back.|
|Cartman:||[pause] Two weeks isn't enough. I'm not over our teacher's tragic death. I'm still sh-shooken up.|
|Liane:||You'll get over it, honey.|
|Cartman:||[starts to throw another fit] But I wanna plaaayyy.|
|[South Park Elementary, Fourth Grade. The kids pour into the classroom, chattering. Wendy walks up and starts talking to Red and Jordan]|
|Wendy:||I can't believe it's been two weeks since I've seen you guys. What have you been doing? [Bebe walks in]|
|Bebe:||You guys uh, [holds out her arms] notice anything different? [looks down at her body]|
|Wendy:||[the three girls gaze] Oh my God, Bebe. You got boobs.|
|Bebe:||Yeah, they started coming in last week. At first I thought they were just mosquito bites, but, then they didn't go away.|
|Mr. Mackey:||[enters the classroom and walks past the girls] M'kay kids, let's take our seats, m'kay? [the girls take their seats] I know this has been a difficult couple o'weeks for you all with the untimely death of your teacher, but it's time for us to try to move on and learn, m'kay?|
|Cartman:||Mr. Mackey, I don't think I'm over the teacher's tragic death yet. I need more time. It's just... it still hurts, you know? Can I go home?|
|Mr. Mackey:||No. Eric, what we're gonna do is learn to hide our emotions with math problems. [turns, grabs some chalk, and starts writing on the board] M'kay, so let's start with some multiplication tables over here, m'kay. First we'll do uh, four time four, m'kay?|
|Kyle:||Dude, look at Bebe. ["We'll move into the five times thing" Bebe is busy taking notes. "We'll try five time three..."] Something seems different about her.|
|Stan:||Yeah, I noticed that too. Did she get a haircut or something?|
|Kyle:||I don't know. [Bebe continues writing]|
|Clyde:||Hey Token. You know, I never noticed before, but that girl Bebe is... kinda cool.|
|Token:||I was just thinking the same thing. It's like, she's a girl, but, she's someone you could hang out with.|
|Butters:||[pipes up behind Jordan] Yeah. Bebe is kinda cool, huh? [Bebe continues writing]|
|Cartman:||Hey Craig, is that the same shirt that that Bebe chick always wears?|
|Craig:||I don't know. Why?|
|Cartman:||It just... it just seems like a really awesome shirt.|
|Craig:||Yeah. It kinda does. [Bebe continues writing, but stops and looks to her right. All the boys are looking at her, all the girls look at the board.]|
|Mr. Mackey:||Okay, and so uh, [Bebe is looking back, wondering why the boys keep staring at her] so who can tell me the answer to the first problem, six times eight? Uh, Bebe?|
|Bebe::||[breaks the stare and answers] Oh, uh, forty-eight?|
|All the boys:||Whoa.|
|Clyde:||That is an awesome answer!|
|All the boys:||Yeah!|
|Kyle:||Dude! Bebe is really smart!|
|Stan:||Yeah. I never noticed that before. Maybe she's actually cool enough to hang out with us.|
|Cartman:||Yeah, may be.|
|[South Park Elementary, later. Three girls walk to class: Wendy, Bebe, and Red. Wendy is talking]|
|Wendy:||...And I was like, "I'm not buying those shoes for twenty dollars." [the girls stop and giggle]|
|Stan:||[arriving with a group of boys: Kyle, Cartman, Token, Butters, Tweek, and Clyde] Ah, hey, Bebe.|
|Stan:||Uh, we're gonna throw rocks at cars later on, and we thought maybe you'd like to join us.|
|Bebe:||Really? [Wendy and Red look at her] I've never done that before.|
|Butters:||[Stan and Kyle part a bit for a better view] Wuuhh, it's really fun.You toss these little rocks at cars, and if the driver gets angry, you blame me.|
|Kyle:||Yeah, it's cool.|
|Bebe:||Why sure, that sounds hellafun.|
|Clyde:||Wow, hellafun. That's awesome.|
|Token:||I'm gonna start saying that now.|
|Stan:||Cool. [the boys turn as one and walk back the way the came] We'll see you later, Bebe.|
|Wendy:||[Wendy catches up to Stan. The boys are grinning. Stan stops and looks]> Stan, you've never asked me to throw rocks at cars with you guys.
||Stan:||That's different, dude. You're like, my girlfriend. Bebe's just... I don't know. She's just cool. [turns and walks off]
||Kyle:||[looks over his shoulder] Yeah. She's really cool. [Wendy gets upset]
||Clyde:||It's weird how we never noticed before. [Wendy looks back at Bebe, who just shrugs]
||[A hill just outside of town. The boys and Bebe are gathered at the summit]
||Stan:||So what you do, see, is wait for a car to drive by that big pine tree. Then you chuck a rock at it. It's all about the timing. [he throws a rock towards the road and the others look at the trajectory. A blue pick-up truck drives by and is hit.]
||Driver:||You damn kids!
||Clyde:||You try it, Bebe.
||Token:||Here comes a sedan. [Bebe throws a rock at the red sedan and hits it]
||Driver:||You damn kids!
||Butters:||Cool! [close up] That was the most perfect throw I've ever seen.
||Kyle:||That was sweet, Bebe. [shows her another rock and another grip] Now, if you just hold the rock like this, you-
||Clyde:||Yeah. [grabs a hold of the rock and pulls it a bit] Here, it's like if you put your thumb on this side-
||Kyle:||[pulls back] I'm showing her.
||Clyde:||[pulls back] Yeah, just let me show her real quick how to put the thumb and-
||Kyle:||[gives an ape look and smacks Clyde, who lets go of the rock] Hoh!
||Clyde:||[grunts back and moves off] Hoh hoh hoh! [Bebe is stunned at this development]
||Kyle:||Hoh! [watches, then reverts to normal and talks to Bebe. Stan moves in] Anyways, you put a spin on it by holding it here and-
||Stan:||[grabs the rock and demonstrates] Yeah, and then you can actually hold it like this. Now-
||Kyle:||[peeved] Hoh! Hoh hoh hoh hoh! [Bebe backs up, scared]
||Stan:||Hoh hoh hoh!
||Kyle:||Hah hah hah!
||Craig:||[beats his chest] Urh urh urh! [all the boys start grunting and displaying agression]
||Bebe:||Uh. Listen guys, un, It's five-thirty. I'm supposed to get home, so... I'll see you later. [leaves. The boys continue grunting and putting on displays. She walks faster the farther she moves from the boys. The boys notice her absence and stop]
||Stan:||[beat] ...Wait, what were we doing again?
||Kyle:||We were throwing rocks at cars.
||The boys:||Oh yeah.
||Butters:||[points] Uh here comes an SUV. [Token throws a rock and hits the SUV]
||Driver:||You damn kids!
||[South Park Elementary, next day. The kids are in their seats. Bebe is the last kid to enter class and find a seat]
||The boys:||Hi, Bebe.
||Wendy:||[rolls her eyes and rest her head on her right hand] Oh, for Christ's sake!
||Mr. Mackey:||[arriving, puts his textbooks on the teacher's desk] M'kay. Kids, I asked you to write a paper to read aloud for the class. Now, who want to start? [no one volunteers] M'kay, class.
||Clyde:||[picks up his paper and starts] My paper is called, "Why Bebe is the coolest person, ever."
||Stan:||Hey, that's what I wrote about!
||Stan:||[grunts and pounds his desk] Hah hah, hah! [the other boys start grunting like apes.] Uuuuh-okay. Go ahead, Clyde.
||Clyde:||[glowers at Stan, then reads] "My friend Bebe is really smart. She tells funny jokes and knows a lot about stuff. She's good at almost everything she tries. She's awesome. The end." [some applause]
||Mr. Mackey:||M'kay, very nice, Clyde. Uh, Token, why don't you read your paper?
||Token:||[picks up his paper and reads] "If I could be Bebe." [Wendy is miffed and rolls her eyes] "If I was Bebe I would have lots of friends because I would be sooo great. I would make people smile and think wherever I went."
||Mr. Mackey:||[takes a moment to think, then] M'kay, interesting, Token, Uh... Who would like to go next? [the rest of the boys raise their hands energetically and make small sounds to get Mackey's attention] Uh how about someone who didn't write about how cool Bebe is?
||The boys:||[softly] Oh. [they lower their hands. Bebe raises hers]
||Mr. Mackey:||M'kay, Bebe?
||Bebe:||[picks up her paper and reads] "My cat Thumper."
||Bebe:||[sees the reaction and continues reading] "Thumper is gray with a white spot. Sometimes he likes to chase his tail. [the boys break out in laughter]
||Clyde:||Chase his tail? That must be so funny?
||Bebe:||"Thumper is twelve years old. That's pretty old for a cat. The end."
||Cartman:||God, you know what, that's so true? Because, you sometimes never really think about how old a pet is until it's gone.
||Craig:||That's true, huh? Man, that makes me really reflect on my pet.
||Stan:||That's such a great paper! [starts clapping. The other boys join in the applause]
||Mr. Mackey:||M'kay. Wendy, why don't we hear your paper?
||Wendy:||[picks up her paper and reads] "The new Cold War"
||Cartman:||Oh God! Here we go again! Dork alert! [the boys crack up]
||[South Park Elementary cafeteria. Wendy is talking to Red and two other girls]
||Wendy:||But, then the mall closes at four or five o'clock, so who knows w-
||Clyde:||[arrives with Kyle, Token, Craig, and two other boys] Have any of you dumb girls seen Bebe anywhere?
||Kyle:||Maybe she's in the lunch line.
||Wendy:||Can you believe Bebe? She thinks she's so cool all of a sudden.
||Girl 1:||I can't stand her anymore! She's such a slut!
||Girl 2:||She's a total slut!
||Red:||You know what I heard? I heard that she made out with eight different boys in one minute.
||Girl 1:||I heard that she lifted her shirt to the boys at the bus stop.
||Wendy:||I heard that her asshole is this big around. [makes a hole with her hands, thumb touching thumb, the other fingers touching their counterparts on the other hand]
||Girls 1 and 2:||Wwooww.
||Bebe:||[comes into view] Hey guys.
||Wendy:||Oh, hey Bebe. [fakes a clearing throat] Slut. [again] Slut.
||Girl 1:||[fakes a clearing throat] Slut.
||Girl 2:||[fakes a clearing throat] Slut.
||Girl 1:||[fakes a clearing throat] Slut.
||Bebe:||...You guys still wanna go ice-skating after school?
||Wendy:||Oh, no, that's okay Bebe. You might trip and then we'd be sucked into your huge gaping vagina like ants into a vacuum cleaner. [fakes a clearing throat] Slut. [again] Slut.
||Girl 1:||[fakes a clearing throat] Slut.
||Girl 2:||[fakes a clearing throat] Slut.
||Red:||[fakes a clearing throat] Slut.
||Girl 1:||[fakes a clearing throat] Slut. [the girls take their trays and leave, giggling]
||Girls:||[out of view] Whore. Slut. Slut.
||[Bebe's house, after school. She's looking out over the neighborhood from her bedroom window. Her mother stops by her door and looks in]
||Bebe's Mom:||Bebe, is something the matter?
||Bebe:||[turns and faces her mom] Oh Mom, it's just... My girlfriends at school said some really mean things to me today. [faces the window again and rests her head on her right hand] They called me a slut, with a huge gaping vagina.
||Bebe's Mom:||[approaches] Oh, sweetie. You're all just growing up. [begins to stroke Bebe's hair] Part of being a woman is having a friend one day and calling her a slut the next.
||Bebe:||But am I slutty just because I'm beginning to be friends with guys? I mean, they just like me because they think I'm smart and cool.
||Bebe:||I remember when I was a little girl the boys didn't think I was very smart at all. But then one day, they all started thinking I was really smart. I guess big smarts just run in our family.
||Bebe:||Well if the girls don't wanna be my friend, that's fine! [rests her head on her hands] Guys are way cooler, anyways.
||[King Jimmy's Buffet, night. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sit at a booth eating hamburgers and some side dishes]
||Tweek:||[arrives] You... guys wanted me to meet you here?
||Cartman:||Yeah, have a seat, Tweek. We all need to have a talk
||Tweek:||[sits next to Cartman] Oh God.
||Cartman:||[offers Tweek his plate] Alright guys, now that we're all here, I think... we need to have a difficult conversation. It's obvious that Bebe is the like the coolest, smartest, most awesome person we've ever met.
||Cartman:||And, you know, we've been trying to fill the gap for the fourth friend ever since Kenny died, God rest his soul, and it hasn't been an easy process.
||Cartman:||And so, even though I think it's a tough thing to do right now, I think maybe it's best for everyone if we make room to allow Bebe to be our new fourth friend.
||Stan:||That would be best.
||Cartman:||Well, I'm glad you guys all agree. And so, Kyle, I just wanna say that it's been really great, and we're gonna miss you.
||Cartman:||And even though it didn't quite work out, I'm sure you'll find other friends down the road, Kyle. Here's a nice watch for you, and some peanuts. [presents the watch and peanuts]
||Kyle:||Me?? Dude, I've been here since the beginning!
||Cartman:||And we're really sad to see you go. Let's give a big round of applause for Kyle, everybody. Hip hip.
||Stan:||Dude, we're not kicking Kyle out!
||Cartman:||[removes the watch and peanuts] Alright, fine! Well then, I guess we have no choice but to let you go, Tweek. But we want you to know that its been really fun. Here's a watch, and some peanuts. [presents the watch and peanuts again]
||Kyle:||No way! Tweek's cool!
||Cartman:||Well dumbasses, how are we gonna make room for Bebe!?
||[Bus stop, next day. The answer is shown. Bebe stands between Kyle and Tweek, and Cartman is not present.]
||Bebe:||Thanks for inviting me to ride the bus to school with you guys.
||Stan:||Sure thing, Bebe.
||Cartman:||[arrives] That's fine! That's fine!! Fuck you, Kyle, and fuck you, Stan! [leaves, then returns] Fuck you, Tweek! [leaves, then returns] Bebe, you're still cool. [leaves again]
||[South Park Elementary, hallway. Some boys - Clyde, Butters, Token, Craig, and Pip - are putting up a large poster that reads "Bebe for President" next to the counselor's office. Wendy passes by and stops to look]
||Wendy:||What are you doing?!
||Clyde:||We're tryin' to get Bebe to run for class president.
||Wendy:||I'm class president! The vote was last fall!
||Craig:||Well, yeah, but Wendy, you have to admit, Bebe's a lot smarter and more organized than you.
||Token:||[gushing] Yeah. We need a leader like Bebe. She can teach us all so much.
||The Other Boys:||Uh huh.
||Wendy:||She's not smarter and cooler than everyone, you guys are just drawn to something else! [the boys just look at her]
||Wendy:||Ugh! God, you guys are sooo stupid! [walks away in a funk]
||Butters:||[puts his fists on his hips] Stupider than Bebe!
||Butters:||Huh Bebe's cool, huh. Huh, fellas?
||[The neighborhood, after school. Stan, Kyle, and Tweek walk towards Bebe's house]
||Kyle:||I can't wait to watch Terrance & Phillip with Bebe.
||Stan:||Yeah. [they arrive, but find four other boys arriving at the same time: Timmy, Kevin, and two others] Where are you guys going?
||Boy 1:||We're going to see our friend Bebe.
||Stan:||Bebe is our friend. Didn't you all get the memo?
||Boy 2:||Bebe is everybody's friend.
||Kevin:||Yeah. God put Bebe on earth to enrich everyone's lives.
||Stan:||[steps forward and grunts] Hoh!
||Kyle:||[steps forward and grunts] Hoh hoh hoh!
||Boy 2:||Arf! [a few more grunts are heard]
||Timmy:||Arf! Ah Timmah! Timmah-ar-argh!
||Stan:||Aw alright, I guess we can all watch Terrance & Phillip together. [goes and knocks on the door]
||Bebe's Mom:||Oh, hello, boys.
||Stan:||Is Bebe home?
||Bebe's Mom:||No, she's with one of her little friends. But she should be back shortly if you boys wanna wait.
||Boy 1:||Who is she with?
||Bebe's Mom:||I believe she is playing "Lambs" over at Eric Cartman's house.
||[Cartman's basement. He's at his hole again, and Bebe is sitting next to him. He has his basket, lotion, and rubber poodle ready to go]
||Cartman:||[holds up the poodle] And this is Precious.
||Cartman:||[squeezes the poodle] Bark bark bark. [sets the poodle aside] Okay, so then we put my mom's hand lotion in this little basket [puts the lotion in the basket] and lower it down to Polly Prissy Pants. [the basket descends]
||Bebe:||[watches the basket drop] Uh huh. [the basket stops once again in front of Polly Prissy Pants]
||Cartman:||Now you say, "It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again."
||Bebe:||It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
||Polly Prissy Pants:||Mister, please let me out of here.
||Cartman:||Now say it again, louder.
||Bebe:||[louder] It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
||Cartman:||Good. Now, now put the lotion back in the basket!
||Polly Prissy Pants:||My parents have money, Mister. They'll give you whatever you want. Please!
||Cartman:||Now, just yell "Put the lotion in the fucking basket!"
||Bebe:||Put the lotion in the basket!
||Cartman:||Put the lotion in the fucking basket! [pushes the rubber poodle into the hole] Oh no! Precious! [does Polly's voice] I've got your dog, Mister. Let me out or I'm gonna kill it! [a door is heard opening and Kyle goes down the steps, followed by Stan, Kevin, Craig, Clyde, Butters, Boy 2, Tweek, Boy 1, Token, Pip, and Timmy] Now you say, "Don't you hurt my fuckin' dog!"
||Bebe:||Don't you hurt my fucking dog!
||Cartman:||You bitch, I'll cut your throat if- [stops when he hears Timmy's wheelchair and looks around]
||Kyle:||What the hell are you doing?
||Cartman:||We're playing "Lambs."
||Kyle:||[moves over to Bebe] Bebe, I thought we were going to watch Terrance & Phillip today.
||Butters:||[moves forward] Then we gotta work on your campaign.
||Boy 2:||[moves forward] Right, but first we gotta go to the-
||Stan:||[jumps in front of Boy 2] Hoh! [the other boys begin to grunt and face each other]
||Bebe:||You guys, calm down!
||[Token tackles Boy 1, Craig attacks Butters, Cartman punches Boy 2, Kyle attacks Kevin, Pip beats on Tweek, Boy 1 chases after Token, Boy 2 tosses Cartman over his head. Stan goes after Pip, but Pip attacks first. Clyde goes after Tweek and sends him flying across the basement. Token brings out a SuperBESTFriends lunchbox and throws it at Clyde. Clyde jumps out of the way and the lunchbox hits Timmy]
||[Clyde attacks Token, but Token punches him away, then jumps on him. Timmy runs over both of them. Token jumps up and goes after Boy 1 again. Pip and Tweek fight again, and Stan comes flying in, taking Pip]
||Bebe:||This is insane!
||[Cartman picks Tweek up and throws him off. Boy 2 comes flying at Bebe, back first. Bebe steps aside, and Boy 2 strikes the wall]
||Bebe:||Stop it you guys, please!
||[The map behind Bebe falls to the floor. Stan gets up, and Pip flies at him. Cartman and Boy 1 fight again. Kyle swings in from above on a hanging overhead light, landing on Cartman's back as Cartman fight Tweek. Tweek drops away, and Cartman has to wrestle Kyle. Boy 1 throws Token into a fossil display case, and a femur falls out. Stan walks up and looks at Token, then sees the femur. He picks it up and sees victory at hand. He starts beating everyone with the bone. He hits Clyde twice with it, and Clyde goes down. He then knocks out Kevin, then Cartman, then Kyle, then goes after the other boys]
||Bebe:||Oh boy, I never meant to cause all this trouble.
||Stan:||[atop a pile of boys] Hoh, hoh, hohhh! Hohhh! [he's knocked them all out and tossed them into a mound]
||[Bebe's house, day. She's at her window again, looking at the neighborhood. The boys are all over her front lawn milling around]
||Bebe's Mom:||Bebe, those boys from your school are still waiting outside to see if you'll come out.
||Bebe:||I know. They've been there all day. [Outside, Token meses with a trash can. Cartman notices and walks over, pushing the trash can down. Stan plays with a rock on the steps. Craig inches his way towards Stan, who watches him from time to time]
||Stan:||Hoh, hoh hoh hoh!
||Craig:||Hah hah hahah hah! [the other boys turn and start grunting. Stan chases Craig away from the steps, then returns to sitting there.]
||Stan:||Hoh hoh hoh! [picks up his rock and plays with it] Hohohoh hoh!
||Bebe's Mom:||Looks like my little girl has a lot of gentlemen callers.
||Bebe:||Mom, why is everyone acting so different around me?
||Bebe's Mom:||Sweetie, you're just blossoming into a woman.
||Bebe:||But, I, I don't know if I want to. Sometimes I think I'm not as smart and cool as they say, that everyone just tells me I am because of my hooters.
||Bebe's Mom:||Sweetie, you're a Stevens. And Stevens women are always told they're really, really smart. [gives her a hug and then leaves]
||Bebe:||Mom? [her mom stops and turns around] What's six times eight?
||Mrs. Stevens:||Oho, sweetie, those are two completely different numbers. [satisfied, she turns around and walks out and downstairs. She opens the front door and the boys back away grunting] Alright boys, time to be getting home. Bebe's not feeling well and she she can't come out today. Go one, shoo. [the boys walk away slowly, grunting in disappointment. A whistling sound is heard and a space shuttle crashes into a field across the street. The boys stop at the sight.]
||Astronaut 1:||Aah. We made it.
||Astronaut 2:||Boys, can you call 9-1-1 for us? [the boys start to grunt again. Stan backs up into the crowd of boys]
||Astronaut 1:||Oh my God. We've landed on Earth thousands of years in the future and apes have taken over!
||Astronaut 2:||I knew it! You blew it up, didn't you?!
||Astronaut 1:||I don't want to live in this futuristic madness! [pulls out a gun, shoots himself in the head, and falls down dead.]
||Astronaut 2:||Take your ape rule and go to hell! [pulls out a gun, shoots himself in the head, and falls down dead.]
||Bebe:||[sighs] Having boobs sucks.
||[Hell's Pass Hospital, later. A man walks in and goes to his desk]
||A Doctor:||Well hello there, little girl. My name is Dr. Hallis. What can I do for you today? [sits at his desk]
||Bebe:||I wanna have breast-reduction surgery. [the doctor leans forwards and visually inspects Bebe's chest]
||Bebe:||Yes. I have two hundred and twelve dollars in nickels and a gold bracelet.
||Dr. Hallis:||Well, young lady, I'm afraid that we don't offer breast reduction surgery to girls of your age.
||Bebe:||Why not? Britney Spears got fake ones when she was a teenager. Why can't I have mine taken off?
||Dr. Hallis:||Because making breasts larger is a beautiful and wonderful thing. Making them smaller is... insane.
||Bebe:||I think it's insane to want them bigger.
||Dr. Hallis:||Why do you... hate your breasts so?
||Bebe:||Ever since I got these stupid things everyone treats me differently. I feel like I might be treated differently the rest of my life.
||Dr. Hallis:||Oh, come on now, that's just silly.
||Blonde Nurse:||[nice shape, walks in with a folder] Here's the Anderson file, Doctor.
||Dr. Hallis:||[looks up, looks down and grins, then looks up again] Oh, awesome. Thank you so much, Jillian. That's great. Oh, God-damn. Thanks you so much. [The nurse walks out. Bebe lowers her eyelids halfway]
||Brunette Nurse:||[not as nicely shaped, walks in with a cup and plate] And here's the coffee you wanted, doctor.
||Dr. Hallis:||[quickly, subdued, looks askance] Yeah, whatever. Get out of here. [the nurse walks out, and he addresses Bebe again] Now, I was saying?
||Bebe:||Please, you have to help me. I think that if my breasts keep growing this way, boys will give me whatever I want.
||Dr. Hallis:||Yeah, so? That's great, isn't it?
||Bebe:||No it's not, because if I grow up getting everything I want, having things made easy for me because I have hot knockers, then I'm gonna grow up to be a lame person. If I'm handed everything in life, then my chances of becoming a lawyer or a marine biologist are zero.
||Dr. Hallis:||That may be true, but I'm afraid I just cannot ethically perform a breast-reduction surgery on an eight-year-old girl.
||Dr. Hallis:||If, on the other hand, you'd like to make them a little bigger, I think now might be the right time to size up, hm?
||Bebe:||Oh, fuck off! [walks off in disgust]
||[Stan's house, day. In the dining room Randy reads the paper. Sharon enters.]
||Sharon:||Randy, could you have a talk with Stanley?
||Randy:||Why? What's the matter with him?
||Sharon:||It's just that, well, he's been acting a little different lately. [Randy looks. In the living room Stan has taken out his crayons and drawn some figures on the wall]
||Stan:||[disheveled, in his primal state] Aaaa-ta. [starts drawing another boob. The wall is covered with them, singly or in pairs. One stick-figure woman has a large pair] Aaaa-ta.
||Sharon:||He's been ignoring his homework, and, all of his friends. I can't figure out why.
||Stan:||[picks up a stick and moves it around] Aaaa-ta. Aaaa-ta.
||Randy:||Ohhh boy. Looks like he's starting to notice breasts.
||Sharon:||[relieved and proud] Oh yes. Our little Stanley is starting to become a man. [Randy leaves his seat at the table and approaches Stan]
||Stan:||[points to the wall with his stick] Ahta. Ah, ahta!
||Randy:||Hey there, son.
||Stan:||[turns to face his father] Hoh? Ahta. [points to the wall] Ahta.
||Randy:||Yes, ahta. Let's have a talk, Stan.
||Randy:||Stan, as you get older, boobs - bu-these "ahta" will start becoming a major part of your life.
||Stan:||Ahta? [Sharon walks behind Randy and sits on one of the sofa's arms]
||Randy:||But Stanley, you can't let them get in the way of your friends. There are a lot of boobs out there, son. But they're just boobs; your friends... are forever.
||Stan:||[considers each argument] Friend. Ahta.
||Randy:||I know you think this set of boobs is important now, but those boobs will be replaced by another set of boobs. Boobs will come and go, and then, someday, [places his left hand on Sharon's right shoulder. She smiles] you'll meet a pair of boobs that you want to marry. And those become the boobs that matter the most.
||Sharon:||[putting her right arm around Randy] I love you.
||Randy:||If you can just understand that, Stanley, you'll see that boobs hold no real power at all.
||[Wendy's house, night. The house is dark, so she's asleep. The camera zooms in on her, and her breasts start to blink under her gown]
||Right Breast:||The boys are at war. All is going as planned.
||Left Breast:||Yes. Soon all the boys will be brought to their knees.
||Right Breast:||We grow larger every day.
||Left Breast:||And stronger.
||Right Breast:||Soon the entire tow- [Bebe awakens]
||Left Breast:||Sh! Sh! She's awake!
||Right Breast:||Ah, quiet.
||Bebe:||[shrieks and kicks her blanket off] MOM!! MOM!!
||Mrs. Stevens:||[rushes to Bebe's room and enters] What is it, Bebe?
||Bebe:||[scared] My breasts!
||Mrs. Stevens:||[approaches the bed, sits, and holds her] Oh, sweetheart, you're just becoming a young lady.
||Bebe:||No, they're conspiring! Mom, they were talking! They wanna destroy the town!
||Mrs. Stevens:||[beat] Yes, darling, your breasts have a power that will unleash itself as you get older. They feed off the misery of boys and grow to bring woe wherever they can. You're blossoming into a woman. [hugs her]
||Bebe:||That does it! I'm NOT letting these things run my life!
||[Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Dr. Hallis walks in with a file and quickly addresses his prospective client]
||Dr. Hallis:||Young lady, are you absolutely sure you want to consider this kind of procedure for your breasts?
||Wendy:||Yes! I want to get breast implants!
||Mrs. Testaburger:||I tried to tell her she was too young.
||Dr. Hallis:||Well, it is a different time, Mrs. Testaburger. Society puts a lot of pressure on your daughter to look her best. Having small breasts can make her feel unimportant.
||Mrs. Testaburger:||[considers the doctor's argument...] But she's eight!
||Dr. Hallis:||Yes, well, not too young to feel flat and therefore, not pretty.
||Wendy:||That's what I said.
||Dr. Hallis:||However, young lady, I'm afraid breast implants are not for everyone. [takes out a notepad] I'll need to carefully assess your physical and mental condition to see if augmentation is truly the best way for you to go.
||Wendy:||I have three thousand dollars, cash. [her mom blanches]
||Dr. Hallis:||[quickly disposes of the pad and pen, then rises and leaves the desk] You pass. Let's do this thing.
||Mrs. Testaburger:||[mortified] Oh, wait. You're gonna do it right now?
||Dr. Hallis:||Suuure. Breast augmentation is now a very simple procedure. [holds Wendy's right arm up and points to the armpit] What we do is make a small incision in the armpit where it won't be seen. Then we take this little plastic bag and gently place it in the chest where we fill it with salt water.
||Mrs. Testaburger:||I still don't know about this.
||Dr. Hallis:||Look. Us plastic surgeons have one philosophy. If we can help someone's self-esteem a little, then why not do it if they have to be a thousand dollars?
||[Operating room, moments later. Wendy is hooked up and sedated. The first incision is made to the left armpit and the flesh pulled back hard. The nurse hands the doctor the first implant, which he shoves in Wendy's chest]
||Dr. Hallis:||[shove] Cha! [shove] Gotta! [shove] Jam it! [shove] Up there! [shove] Get! [shove] In! [shove] There! [shove] You! [shove] Bitch! [shoves faster] Get! [shove] In! [shove] There! [shove] You! [shove] Bitch! [the implant is finally in place, but everythng is covered in steaks of blood] Hah! [wipes his brow] Okay, there's one, Wendy. Doing great.
||[South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Mackey is back teaching the class. The kids are at their seats]
||Mr. Mackey:||M'kay. Kids, we need to talk about your failing grades.
||Clyde:||[in primal mode] Bebe! Where Bebe?! Bebe! Bebe! [he and a few others grunt a bit]
||Mr. Mackey:||M'kay, we all need to start studying more and fighting less, m'kay? [the grunts start up again]
||A Boy:||Bebe! [more grunts.]
||Stan:||Ahta! [more grunts. Bebe enters wearing a cardboard box over her clothes. The boys quiet down]
||Bebe:||Hey guys. [a few boys grunt back with "Hi!!" "Hey." "Hm." as she heads for her seat. The boys are confused]
||Craig:||Have you guys noticed that Bebe isn't as cool as she used to be? [Bebe smiles at her uncoolness]
||Token:||Yeah. What the hell happened to us?
||Stan:||Oh my God. I get it now. It was Bebe's boobs.
||Bebe:||Oh cool! It worked!
||Stan:||Don't you guys see? Boobs... do something to our brains. They fill our brains with illusions.
||Kyle:||Sssss-so ...Bebe ...didn't become smart and cool? It was just her boobs?
||Cartman:||So, Bebe is actually just as lame as she ever was?
||Bebe:||Right. My boobs just clouded your judgment.
||Kyle:||But that sucks. I don't want something to have that much power over me.
||Stan:||I don't think it will, you guys, as long as we realize it. We must learn to control their power over us.
||Clyde:||Yeah. Screw boobs! They're stupid!
||Craig:||I'm sorry for fighting, you guys. [all the boys leave their seats and start apologizing to each other, hugging each other]
||Mr. Mackey:||[moved by this display of affection] Aw, that's so sweet, m'kay?
||Clyde:||Let's never let boobs come between us again!
||The Boys:||Hear Hear!
||Kyle:||Boobs are stupid!
||Wendy:||[enters with her new, ample implants] Hi, everybody. [the boys look at her for a long while, then start laughing heartily. Wendy is stunned at the response]
||Clyde:||Look at those ridiculous things!
||Butters:||[steps up and touches the left breast] Oooo, they're all hard and oogey!
||Cartman:||What a stupid bitch! [the boys start laughing again. Butters is laughing hard, but realizes that his finger is still on Wendy's breast]
||[End of Bebe's Boobs Destroy Society]