Mitgeschrieben und dem Planearium zur Verfügung gestellt von Willie Westwood (South Park Scriptorium)

Episode 411 - Probably


Principal Victoria
Liane Cartman
Randy and Sharon Marsh
Gerald and Sheila Broflovski
Sister Anne
Tour Bus Driver:
Gas Station Attendant
Marcy and Her Parents Stephen and Mom
Hell Director
Various Souls In Hell, including a very pretty blonde girl
Boy wearing glasses
Ugly Girl:
Mormons In Heaven, including a few nice men


[Priest Maxi is shown at the church podium before the congregation]
Announcer:Previously on South Park…
Priest Maxi:Today, we're going to talk about hell. [an organ swells into a dreadful chord. The boys are afraid]
[Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Saddam appears at Satan's door]
Saddam:Hello, Satan! [opens his arms wide and grins big. He has two suitcases, one on either side of him]
Satan:[stunned] Saddam…
[The Broflovski house. Sheila and Kyle are talking]
Sheila:Us Jews don't believe in hell.
Kyle:…But what if we're wrong?
[South Park Avenue, day. The kids begin crossing the street]
Stan:Let's go. [the kids begin to cross the street, Kenny first, but a tour bus slams into Kenny and takes him away. The other kids freeze where they are, petrified]
Stan:[finally reacts, shrilly] …they've killed Kenny!
Butters:And he had sins that he didn't confess!
[Hell, River Styx Condominiums, dinner. Saddam tries to arouse Satan under the table. Satan swats Saddam's arm away]
Satan:No, Saddam. I'm with Chris now.
[The church rectory. Preist Maxi is talking to the boys]
Priest Maxi:Boys, it is your Christian duty to save the souls of your friends!
[Hell, River Styx Condominiums, bedtime. Satan and Chris are in bed]
Chris:[closes his eyes] I love you, Satan.
Satan:I love you too, Saddam.
Satan, Chris:[immediately react] Wuh?!
[The Pacific Ocean. A man drives a speedboat. Richie Cunningham, Ralph Malph, and Potsy Weber go along for the ride, and Arthur Fonzarelli stands behind the boat on water skis. Wait…]
Richie:Fonz, there's no way you can jump that shark with your water skis. [A bouy ring contains a shark, and a larger red bouy warns "DANGER" in white letters]
Fonzie:Aaaay! I've gotta try, Richie.
[The church confessional, day. Cartman opens the penitent door and sees a woman with her exposed ass up against the partition]
Woman:Oh, huhuh. [Cartman opens the priest's door. Priest Maxi, in a sexual act with the woman on the other side, looks out and grins.]
Stan:Dude, if this guy's goin' to hell, who's gonna save us?
Cartman:Well, it looks like we're gonna have to save everyone in this town ourselves!
[The beach. Richie, Potsy, Ralph, and Joanie are on the shore watching the boat driver take Fonzie on his stunt. On shore is a sign posted on a pair of surfboards that reads "GO FONZ!!!"]
Joanie:Go Fonz!!!
Fonzie:Aaaaaa-! [the image freezes in place, so that Fonzie is suspended in mid-air]
Announcer:And now the exciting comclusion of… South Park.
Fonzie:[action resumes] -aaaaaayy-err. [lands inside the bouy ring; the shark catches and eats him live. The shark rises out of the water with Fonzie still in its mouth] No! [the shark drops and rises again] No! […and again…] No! [a pool of blood develops inside the bouy ring] No!
Richie:I told him he couldn't do it. [the other three on shore look on stunned]
[South Park Elementary, playground. Cartman stands on a platform and is preaching to the kids]
Cartman:I am saying this because we must be saved-uh. The LORD is powerful and he will smote the sinners and send them to everlasting hell-uh. If you do not live your life for Him-uh, then to the lake of fire you shall go-uh! [a group of adults gathers just outside the rear school doors. Cartman preaches some more… Kyle soon joins him on the platform…]
Principal Victoria:You see that, parents. Your children have refused to come into class since this morning. I'm afraid your son is the leader, Ms. Cartman. Apparently he's read the entire Bible, and now he's scaring the hell out of everyone.
Liane:[gently calls out] Boopie-kins. It's time to stop preaching damnation to everyone, sweetie. [Cartman stops]
Stan:[joins Cartman on the platform] Don't you guys, um, persecrute our religous beliefs.
Sharon:We are not trying to persecute you kids, but you're supposed to be in school.
Stan:What purpose does school have? The Bible says the only goal in this life is to praise God and get into heaven.
Kyle:Yeah, and this life is short. The afterlife is forever.
Principal Victoria:Don't listen to them, kids. You have to go to school.
Cartman:Many of you knew Kenny McCormick. He was a playful school-going eight-year-old. And then yesterday, he was [throws himself down face-first] smacked down by the Lord-uh! [rises] God bitch-slapped him right to the fiery depths of hell. So when will you go?! Tomorrow?! Ten years?! Does it mattah?! No! Because unless you give this life tothe Lord, that life belongs to Satan-uh! [kids gasp, adults go glum] But we cannot worship God in that church where that priest of sin resides, [Kyle has left and now returns with an easel with a picture of a church on it] so we will build a new church-uh. With crystal walls, a ceiling 80 feet high, and a slide that connects this part hmya [near the top of the left-side wall] to this part hmya [the grass down below]. Who will help us?
Kids:[in unison] I will.
Cartman:Praise God-uh!
[Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Satan is seen looking at the Bargain Hotel Saddam is in]
Satan:If I go spend the night with Saddam, then it's over between me and Chris. [looks at Saddam's room key] Chris has been so nice to me and I know Saddam will just hurt me again. [looks at it again.] M-maybe I'll just go talk to Saddam. I need closure, yeah. That's it, I need closure. [advances to the hotel, to room 16, then turns around with second thoughts] What am I doing?? [takes a step when the room door opens]
Saddam:[in evening suit] What took yo so long, baby??
Satan:[turns around] Saddam, I'm just here to talk.
Saddam:Great! Let's talk! [Saddam enters. Saddam rushes to the bed and sits on it, stroking the covers] Hm, this bed is comfy-bumpy.
Satan:Saddam, I only came here because I need closure.
Saddam:Sounds fun. You know me—I'll try anything.
Satan:No! Saddam, listen to me.
Saddam:Would you like a drink?
Satan:Um maybe just- a little one. [Saddam serves him a drink] I have to go back soon. I need you to understand that we can't be together anymore. [Satan turns on the TV and a video of a group of men is shown. A sheriff lowers his pants before a kneeling skinhead. Other men are singing, chanting, moaning] I need you to not come by the condo and not try to see me. Chris thinks we can all be friends, but I don't. And I have to focus on Chris now. [just now notices the video] What is this?
Saddam:These hotels have all kinds of crazy channels.
Satan:Saddam, will you listen to me?! Chris is a great person. He's the one I wanna be with now.
Saddam:[knowingly] Really? So then… What are you doing here? [Satan has no answer. He just looks down and away] Well I don't know about you, but this video is gettin' me pretty hot!
Satan:[hurt] Saddam…
Saddam:Here, have another drink. [Satan takes it and swallows it down, then groans]
[Hell, Bargain Hotel, Saddam's room. Satan is sleeping away peacefully]
Satan:[wakes up] Ooh, whoa. God, my head. Drank too much. [looks to his left] Chris! [the camera zooms out to show Saddam, dressed in leather straps, looking at him lovingly. Five different kinds of dildos and a whip are seen. Satan quickly sits up] Oh no!! [scans the room and sees more sex toys, including an auto club, an Antonio Banderas blow-up doll, a penis pump, and a goat tied to a lamp]
Saddam:[snuggling up] Man, look at that! We went through 14 bottles of vegetable oil! [tosses the last one off the bed.] Ewuh, I'm all greasy.
Satan:[leaves the bed] Oh God, what time is it?!
Saddam:Last night was awesome! Are we together again now?
Satan:I don't know. I, I guess so, but now I have to go home and tell Chris.
Saddam:Screw him!!
Satan:No, Saddam! I at least owe him an explanation! [walks towards the door] I jusst don't know what I'm gonna say. [the door opens and closes. Satan is gone]
Saddam:I know how to solve this little problem.
[The Baja California coast, Mexico, day. The camera pans slowly to the right.]
Driver:[off screen] We are now entering Ensenada, the second largest city on the Mexican Baja Peninsula. [the tour bus is seen making its way through Ensenada] We have now traveled over 2000 miles since leaving New York City. We'll just be stopping here for a few moments for gas, and then our tour will continue on to its final destination. [two gas station attendants approach the bus. One of them notices something]
Attendant:Oiga. Hay algo pegado bajo el autobus. ["Listen. There's something stuck under the bus."]
Driver:Quey? What's stuck to the bottom of the bus? [the attendant takes his mop and jabs at the bottom of the bus, and Kenny finally drops down]
Driver:Oh, goodness! We must have run over a little Mexican further up north. Is it okay? [Kenny sits up and shakes his dizziness off]
Attendant:Pienso que sí. ["I think so." Kenny stands up]
Driver:Well, here's fifty for the gas. [starts the bus and drives off] Adios.
Kenny:(Where am I?)
Kenny:(WHERE AM I?)
[South Park, day. Cartman's blueprint for his church is shown, then the camera pans right to show the actual construction. A bunch of kids work on the structure, using all sorts of things, including mirrors for wall panels.]
Cartman:This is bea-utiful. Thine church is almost completed.
Stan:There's no way God will want to send us to hell now.
Kyle:Yeah, this church kicks a- eh- it kicks!
Gerald:[shows up with Sheila, behind the boys] Hello, boys. [they turn around]
Kyle:Don't try to take me away again, Mom and Dad! I told you! I renounced the Jewish faith!
Sheila:It's not that, Kyle. It's just that Eric's mother needs to see you all right away! Just really quick—she says it's very important.
Cartman:Very well. Yea. Guys, let us walk to mine home and see what mine mom wants. [the boys turn left and walk towards Cartman's house]
Sheila:I sure hope this woiks.
[Cartman's house, later. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle enter. Dialog from "Not Without My Anus," set to an organ and canned laughter, is heard as the boys make their way across a living room littered with toys of all sorts. The room is decorated so that the boys would forget their "mission" and just play for one afternoon. Liane shows up with a Cartman favorite.]
Liane:Hello, kiddies. I made you all powdered dougnut pancake surprise.
Stan:Wow, cool.
Cartman:No! This is a trick! Do not vex me, oh temptress!
Cartman:This is a distraction from our work on the church! [grabs a doughnut] Do not think that you can tempt us with toys [takes a bite out of his doughnut] and new games [munches away] and tidings of powdered dougnut pancake surprise! For it is the AFTERLIFE we have concerned ourselves with! [finishes the doughnut off] Not the pleasures of this earth, but salvarion in the world aftah!!
Liane:Oh. Well, [sets the dish on the sofa and walks away] alrighty then.
[The Cartman kitchen, moments later. Liane enters. Sister Anne waits with Stan's and Kyle's parents]
Liane:I… don't think it worked.
All:Aw .
[The Cartman living room, moments later.]
Cartman:Let us get back to our work at the church [the phone rings.] Yea. I shall answer the phone, hyah. [answers it] Hello?
Kenny:[from a pay phone next to Papas & Beer in Ensenada] (Cartman?! Cartman, you've gotta help me, and I'm not foolin' around!)
Cartman:[grins mischievously, then] Oh my God!!
Cartman:It's Kenny. He's calling from beyond the grave!
Stan:Kenny?! [move towards the phone] What's he say?!
Kyle:[moves next to Stan] Ask him what hell is like.
Cartman:Kenny! You have to tell us about hell! Give us every last horrible detail!
Kenny:(Um…) [mariachi music is heard, and the street is lively enough]
[Hell, River Styx Condos. Satan has returned, and is outside the door to his condo]
Satan:Oh, God, Chris is gonna be so mad at me. Well, here it goes. [opens the door and enters. Chris is sitting alone on the sofa reading a book]
Chris:Hey you.
Satan:Hi, Chris. [closes the door]
Chris:You… were out all night.
Satan:Yeah, I just… spent the night walking around the marina.
Chris:Satan. You know you're not a very good liar. You went and saw Saddam, didn't you?
Satan:[low voice] Yes. [covers his face in shame]
Chris:[approaches] Satan, I understand.
Satan:[drops his left arm and looks surprised] What?
Chris:I still feel secure and safe with you.
Satan:[walks away exasperated] Oh, n-NO!
Chris:[puzzled] What? What's wrong? I said it's okay.
Satan:I know.
Chris:Well, what more do you want from me?
Satan:[turns around] Well-, could you not be such a pussy about it? I mean, can't you just say "If you ever see Saddam again, I'll break your legs!" or, or "I'm gonna go kick Saddam's ass!" or something?
Chris:Satan, I'm a Nineties man. I cry when I need to. I share my feelings and I keep my mind open about everything.
Satan:Just… give me some boundaries, be jealous, go throw a football around, for Christ's sake.
Chris:[sits down on the sofa] Now you're starting to hurt my feelings.
Satan:[turns away] Ah-, I'm sorry, Chris, it's… it's not you, really, it's, it's me. [Saddam pops up outside the window and checks out the situation, then drops down] You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, and for some reason, I just can't accept that. [Saddam slides the window open and drops in behind the sofa, making his way to Chris]
Saddam:[pops up behind Chris with a dagger] Die, pussy! [rams it into Chris's forehead]
Satan:[turns around] Chris! [advances] Saddam, what the hell are you doing?!
Saddam:[a dead Chris lies slumped against the sofa's arm] There. I got rid of the problem for you. Now there's no conflict.
Satan:[distraught, buries his face in his hands] No! Not like this!
[South Park, day. Cartman's church is finished. Red carpet, purple doors… His new followers are gathered inside]
Cartman:[on stage wielding a Bible] Friends, I have to tell you that last night I received a phone call from beyond the grave-eh. [the kids gasp] It was our departed friend, Kennih! Calling from the depths of hell! And he described what hell is like in horrid detail-uh. [the kids are frightened] He said that in hell, the smell is awful. He said that in hell, everyone speaks Spanish.
Cartman:He said there is water in hell, but if you drink it you pee blood out your ass for seven hours-uh!
Cartman:And perhaps worst of all, in hell, there are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores! But they all have the same little trinkets in them-eh!
Kids:Waah! [a couple enters the church]
Father:Where is our daughter.
Daughter:[steps into the aisle] Dad?
Father:Marcy! You're coming home this instant!
Cartman:[quite animated, hops twice] We are saving your daughter from the clutches of hell, suh! [points]
Father:You're not gonna make my daughter part of your cult!
Cartman:Your daughter could die tomorrow, and then what?!
Father:[a piece of wood falls from the roof] You're just a stupid little fat kid who thinks that- [jab] Aaaah! [the piece of wood falls off the man's head and rests behind him]
Mother:Stephen? [the kids are shocked; she genuflects next to him] Steven, no!
Cartman:The Lord has spoken again-uh! O, forgive us, Lord, for our sins!
Kids:Forgive us, Lord.
Cartman:Let us pray. [an organ is played] Heavenly Father, do not send us to hell. We're sorry, Whatever we did, we're sorry.
Mother:[in a panic] Stephen? Stephen??
[Hell, waiting area. Many souls are there, wondering where they are, and why.]
Stephen:Where, where am I?
Man:Where are we?
Man 2:No doubt about it…
Woman:What's happening??
Man 3:Oooooooooh!
Speaker:Hello, newcomers, and welcome. Can everybody hear me? [taps the mic a few times] Hello? Can everybuh-? Okay. [the crowd quiets down] Uh, I'm the hell director. Uh, it looks like we have about 8,615 of you newbies tdoay, and for those of you who are a little confused, uh, you are dead, and this is hell, so, abandon all hope and uh yada yada yada. Uh, we are now going to start the orientation process, which will last about-
Man 4:Hey, wait a minute, I shouldn't be here. I wa a totally strict and devout Protestant! I thought we went to heaven!
Hell Director:Yes, well I'm afraid you were wrong.
Soldier:I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness. Uh, you picked the wrong religion as well.
Man 5:Well, who was right? Who gets into heaven?
Hell Director:I'm afraid it was the Mormons. Yes, the Mormons were the correct answer.
Crowd:[disappointed] Awww.
Hell Director:So now I'd like to quickly introduce your new ruler and master for eternity, Satan!
Satan:[appears in a burst of flame] Oooyeah!
Satan:Now you are all part of my domain! Everyday in hell grows larger as my minions… my m-minions uh… [relents] muh, I'm sorry. I just can't do this today. I'm just… I'm sorry. [walks away. The crowd's eyes follow him. A woman throws her hands up]
Hell Director:Uh, okay. Thank you Satan. Now, uh, let's begin with the Muslims…
Chris:[in the crowd] Satan! [Satan turns and sees him, then smiles. Chris makes his way through the crowd] 'Scuse me. Excuse me.
Satan:Chris! [he and Chris now stand before each other] But I thought you were dead!
Chris:Yeah, well, where was I gonna go? Detroit?
Satan:Chris, I didn't mean for Saddam to stab you in-
Chris:Hey, it's alright. All that matters is that I'm back, and we're together forever. Right?
Satan:Uh, …yeah. Gr-great.
[Cartman's house, night. Cartman is working at a coffee table in the living room with Clyde Frog and a Bible]
Cartman:Let's see. Matthew 15:11. "Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which comes OUT of the mouth defileth a man." That's a good one, Clyde Frog. Interesting. [Sister Anne approachs]
Liane:[enters] Eric, Sister Anne has come to visit you.
Cartman:Yea. It is nice to see you, Sister, but I must prepare for my next sermon. [Liane leaves]
Sister Anne:[sits] Eric, you need to stop what you're doing. You need to tell all the kids to go back to school, and back to their normal lives.
Cartman:Sister, have you read this book.
Sister Anne:Yes, Eric. A lot more than you have.
Cartman:Then you know what it says happens to those who don't follow the Lord-uh.
Sister Anne:Eric, the Lord just doesn't send everybody to hell. That wouldn't make sense. He wants people to live their llives.
Cartman:Are you saying that what the Bible says isn't true?
Sister Anne:No.
Cartman:We've got Jews and perverts and bullies and all kinds of sinners in this town, Sister Anne-uh! And without the priest we've decided to save ourselves. The only ones that kids can trust now are me and Jesus! [resumes his work]
Sister Anne:[Exasperated, drops her head in her hands] Uugh. [lifts her head] Wait a minute. That's it. [rises and walks away]
Televangelist:[suddenly on TV] …And I'm gonna save all of you right now. [raps a woman on the head. She goes unconscious] I'm gonna heal your sins-eh.
[Hell, Bargain Hotel. Chris approaches and goes to Room 16, and knocks on the door]
Saddam:Hello Satan-ooh, crap! It's you!
Chris:Yeah. It's me.
Saddam:I thought I killed you!
Saddam, Chris:Well, where was I gonna go? Detroit?
Saddam:Right, right.
Chris:Do you have a couple of minutes to go for a walk?
Saddam:A walk?
Chris:Yeah. Just real quick. Around the park or somethin'.
Saddam:[considers it] Is this some kind of trick?
Chris:No, I just want you to go for a quick walk with me. Please?
Saddam:Well, alright. Just let me grab somethin' real quick. [goes inside humming and reaches his dresser. He sees the dagger and takes it with him behind his back, then rejoins Chris] Okay, let's walk. [Chris walks while Saddam closes the door.]
[Hell, the park. Saddam and Chris walk side by side]
Chris:Saddam, I get the feeling that you don't like me very much.
Saddam:Gee, whatever gave you that idea? When I stabbed you in the head?!
Chris:Look, Satan is a very important person to me. And I know he's an important person to you, too. So don't you think it's best for us to just- try and get along? I realize that some things about me bother you. So I'd like to hear what those things are so that I can work on them.
Saddam:You know what I don't like you, Chris? Because you're the kind of guy who, if someone didn't like him, would take him for a walk in the park and ask him why. You're a pussy! [takes his dagger out and slices into Chris's right shoulder]
Chris:Aaaah! [Saddam goes into a grave, takes out a shovel, and slices off Chris's lower right leg. Chris falls down] Oh God!
Saddam:Ah hahaha!
Chris:Nooo! Agh! [reaches into his right shoulder, takes the dagger, and thrusts it into Saddam's left eye]
Saddam:Aaaaaah! [swings the shovel at Chris and strikes him down with it]
Chris:Ow! [Saddam jumps on him and pulls his heart out of his body] Goo-aagh! [Saddam holds the heart high in the air, then collapses on top of Chris's body. The camera zooms out]
[Cartman's church, next day. The child congregation is gathered again at the church. Organ music plays]
Cartman:Today this Jewish boy and all sinners are going to be saved-uh! Kyle, do you believe in God-uh?!
Cartman:Do you want to be saved from hell-uh?!
Cartman:That's good, because right now, all the Jewness is comin' out of your body, bein' replaced by the Spirit of God-uh! [smacks him on the face] Theah!
Kyle:[angrily] Ow! [rubs his right temple and cheek while Cartman talks]
Cartman:Praise God! How do you feel now? Do you feel the light of God inside o'ya?
Kyle:[softens] Uh, I think so.
Cartman:Praise the Lord-uh!
Crowd:[ad lib all at once] Praise the Lord. Halleluyah! Praise God! [two robed assistants help a happy Kyle off the stage]
Cartman:For he is Lord, he is Lord… Bring up the next person! [Timmy rolls up in his wheelchair] This boy has been crippled with sin-uh. But I hear God saying that this boy will walk!
Butters:Huh-ah Halleluyah!
Cartman:We are gonna save you and you are gonna walk with the Lord-uh!
Cartman:Devil be [smacks him on the face] GOAN-uh!
Cartman:Now WALK, Timmih! [turns away dramatically, with eyes closed]
Cartman:[turns away, then back] Come on, Timmy, get out of that chair-uh!
Cartman:The Lord wants you to walk,Timmih! Oo-WALK, Timmih! [turns away dramatically, with eyes closed]
Timmy:Timmilih? [drops to the floor on his feet and stands unsteadily. Cartman smiles openly]
Cartman:He walks-uh!
Timmy:Oh-aah. [falls forward and crashes through the floor head first. A beaming Cartman mistakes this for something good]
Cartman:Yes! Praise the Lord!
Kids:Praise the Lord!
[Hell, River Styx Condos. Satan is talking to somebody outside]
Satan:And now it's like there's one guy who's horrible to me but I'm totally sexually attracted to, and then one guy who's really nice to me but I'm not sexually attracted to at all.
Blonde Girl:Wow, that really sucks.
Satan:I've asked everybody for advice, but nobody seems to know the answer.
Blonde Girl:Well, there is one person who I always used to ask when I needed advice.
Blonde Girl:God.
Satan:[stunned] God?? I can't do that. I haven't spoken to God in like, 5000 years.
Blonde Girl:Well then, maybe it's time.
[Cartman's church, day. The child congregation is singing and clapping outside and inside. Timmy is back, with a bandaged head]
Kids:Do dodo dum do dodo. Do dodo dum do dodo.
Cartman:For he is Lord, Lord Lord Lord. Where are you from, little boy? [this boy wears glasses]
Cartman:And God is telling me that you have… bad eyesight. Is that it?
Boy:Yeah, that's right.
Cartman:Well, God is gonna heal those eyes, and save you from the devil begone! [smacks the boy in the face and knocks him out]
Boy:Aaah. [two robed assistants carry him off]
Cartman:For he is Lord, Lord Lord Lord. Right here we have a little girl who is very, very ugly! Do you believe he is gonna cure your face of the uglies?!
Ugly Girl:Yes!!
Cartman:He is gonna take that ugly face and make you reasonable to look at! [smacks her on the face] Bah!
Ugly Girl:Waah.
Cartman:[moonwalks] Bwolololololololololololo! Oh, good Lord, somebody say "Amen!"
Kids:Amen! [the pianist is shown, with a girl singing next to him]
All:Lord Lord Lord.
[A flash of white, and the light dims enough to show clouds roiling in the sky. Satan comes up quickly, and then stops. This is heaven. A group of Mormon souls gather around him]
Mormon 1:Hi hi, welcome to heaven, brother. You've followed the Mormon faith, and so you've been let in!
Satan:Uh, actually, I'm just stopping by.
Mormon 2:Well, you've picked a great time! We've got cookies and punch and we're just about to start playing charades.
Mormons:[ad lib all at once] Alright. Yeah.
Mormon 1:And then, brother Stephen's brought his guitar so we can sing songs about how much it hurts to lie.
Mormon 3:Yeahahah!
Satan:Ah, look, I just need to talk with God. Is he around?
Mormon 2:Sure. All you have to do is say his name and he's there.
Mormon 1:I'm so grateful for that.
Mormons:[in assent] Me, too. Uh huh.
Satan:Great. Thanks. [walks off]
[Heaven, a separate area. Satan walks into it and turns to the camera]
Satan:[clears his throat] Ah. Hello? g-God? It's uh… Satan. [quickly shields his eyes as a sphere of light descends towards him]
God:[in silhouette] Yea. Look upon me, and know me.
Satan:Hi, God.
God:Hello, Satan. [has a body made from bits of some of the creatures he created] It's- been a long time.
God:What brings you here? Do you wish to mount your unholy war against heaven?
Satan:No, I hae a problem, and I- need your advice.
God:You want to rule more than hell? You want to destroy the earth?
Satan:No, it's kind of a long story but, well, it all started when this Iraqi dictator, Saddam Hussein [God scratches behind his left ear], was killed by a pack of wild boars. I remember when I first met him in hell. It was a lovely morning in April…
[Cartman's church, day. Cartman leads the kids in singing and rolls on his back a few times.]
Cartman:Halleluyah! Praise the Lord! And now, I'm receiving a message directly from God-uh! God is telling me that… each and every one of you is to walk up to the stage, and give me one dollar! [The clapping stops as confused faces appear in the congregation, and the music quiets a bit. Stan and Kyle look at each other as Cartman goes for the collection box] So I want everyone to feel the love of God by coming up heah [sets the box at center stage], and putting a dollar in the box-ah! [kids begin to approach the stage] Come on, don't be shy! Come on now! [rolls on his back as the donations come in]
Stan:Dude, that seems- kind of- weird.
Kyle:Yeah. I don't remember him saying anything about this.
[Heaven, a separate area. Satan finishes his story]
Satan:Heh-and now Chris and Saddam just keep killing each other over and over and… I don't know which one to pick.
God:[considers the story, then] Jesus, what the hell happened to you?
God:You got kicked out of here for being a headstrong rebel. And now you're a whiny little bitch.
Satan:Well, I just don't know which one to pick.
God:No, you've become dependent on relationships. So you haven't even considered the option of not being with either of them. [Satan listens] And if you're not sexually attracted to someone, you're not ever going to be. But Saddam isn't right either. He's the other extreme. You need to spend time alone so that you can find the balance, the middle ground. That's what I always do, because I'm a Buddhist.
Satan:God, you're right. You know, I've had steady relationships for the last… thousand years, and when one ends I just start another one, but… I haven't taken the time to be secure with myself.
God:Bingo. [a fly gets near him and he snaps his tongue out to catch it and eat it.]
Satan:Hey- Thanks, God. I forgot how clear you make things sometimes.
God:It was nice to see you again, Satan.
Satan:You too.
God:Good-bye. [turns into the sphere of light and flies up and away. Satan turns and walks off, but encounters the Mormons]
Mormon 2:Would you like to stay for some cookies and punch?
Mormon 1:Yes, would you?
Satan:Uh, no, I need to be getting back.
Mormon 2:Oh, alright then, but you're gonna miss our big play.
Mormon 4:Yes. We're going to do a play about how alcohol can ruin family life.
Satan:Wow. That sounds great, but uh, I really- gotta go. [disappears in a burst of flames]
Mormon 1:Wehull, he seemed like a nice fellow.
Mormon 4:Yes. [a few seconds of silence follow]
Mormon 2:Let's go make things out of egg cartons.
Mormons:[ad lib] Oooo, yeah. I'll do that.
[Cartman's church, day. The singing and clapping have resumed. Stan and Kyle go through some curtains to the back of the church.]
Cartman:[off screen] Yeess. [the camera looks at him, now rolling around shirtless in $1 bills, now grabbing a bunch and bathing in them] Yeess. [sees Stan and Kyle] It worked, you guys, it actually worked!
Stan:What worked?
Cartman:Eheverybody bought the whole act! They keep giving and giving until we have it all!
Stan, Kyle:What??
Kyle:You're keeping that money yourself?
Cartman:Of course, you guys! And then we can make… ten million dollars! [grins big] Look, the tooth fairy thing didn't work, the boy band thing didn't last, so I tried this route.
Stan:Waitwaitwaitwaitwait. You mean that this whole thing has just been a way for you to make ten million dollars?
Cartman:It all came to me days ago, when we were first in Sunday school.
Stan:[he and Kyle are now angry] Well, what about going to hell and all that?!
Cartman:Dude, if God is all-understanding, he wouldn't send us to hell. Even Sister Anne told me that.
Kyle:[points] Then why didn't you tell us?!
Cartman:My brain is of a much larger size than you guys's. I couldn't expect you to understand, not until you actually saw the cash flow!
Kyle:The only thing of yours that's larger in size is your big fat ass!
Cartman:[rolls around in the money] Suck my balls!
Stan:Dude, I an so disillusioned right now.
[Somewhere in hell. Chris and Saddam are fighting once again. Saddam charges at him with a gray brick]
Saddam:Die, pussy! [smashes the brick on Chriss's head, and they both fall]
Chris:Ow! [gets up, grabs one of Saddam's legs, and pulls it off]
Saddam:Aaaah! [gets up, grabs his leg back and beats Chris over the back with it. Chris falls on his face]
Chris:Aaaah! [grabs one end of the leg, and now it's a tug of war. Satan arrives and sees the battle]
Satan:Guys, guys, guys! [the two rivals stop and face him] Look, you both can stop fighting now! I've made a decision.
Chris:You have?
Satan:Yes. I… don't want to be with either one of you.
Chris, Saddam:What?!
Satan:Saddam, you're an asshole. And you'll never be the friend that I want. And Chris, well, you're a pussy. And you'll never be the lover I want. [Chris looks dejected] So I'm just gonna be alone for a while and learn to like myself. [Saddam sighs]
Chris:Satan. Can we go for a walk in the park?
Satan:No, I'm not going on a walk! You're a pussy, Chris, and you drive me crazy; go away!
Chris:Fine. [walks away]
Saddam:Hell, you can't leave me, Satan! I won't let you! [Satan is shocked]
[Cartman's church, next day. Cartman holds forth. Stan and Kyle stand behind the collection box as kids stop by and put in their $1 donations]
Cartman:Today is another day! And that's another dollar the Lord needs from you-uh! So come on up and give to the Lord-uh! [Sister Anne enters the church]
Sister Anne:[walking down center aisle] Alright kids, it's time to go! It's time for this to stop!
Cartman:Sister Anne is a blasphemer!
Sister Anne:I know you won't listen to me. That's why I brought somebody else. [steps aside. The curtains part. Jesus enters and walks down the aisle]
Kids:[in obvious awe] Wow!
Cartman:[worried] Uh oh.
Jesus:Kids, you need to all stop spending all your time here and go back to school.
Cartman:[tugs on Jesus' robs, then softly] Jesus, ixnay on the oolschay.
Jesus:God doesn't want you to spend all your time being afraid of hell, or praising His name. God wants you to spend your time helping others, and living a good, happy life. That's how you live for Him.
Cartman:[goes for the collection box again] Ee-yes, by doing that, [brings it out] and, putting a dollar in the box-uh!
Bebe:Let's go ice-skating.
Other kids:Yea. [leave their seats]
Butters:Uhwe can help Timmy learn how to ice-skate, too.
Boy:Yeah. [others leave their seats and vacate the church]
Cartman:[on his knees] No, come back! You face everlasting damnation! [the last congregant leaves the church] Wait! No! No! [pounds the floor with his fists a few times] I can't be cheated out of my ten million dollars again! God damnit!
Kyle:Serves you right, Cartman!
Jesus:But Eric, I think this time I have to teach you a lesson! I'm sending you somewhere to think about your sins!
Cartman:You're gonna send me to hell?
Jesus:No. Worse!
[Ensenada, Mexico, day. Mariachi music plays in the baackground. A tour bus stops in front of Papas and Beer and drops Cartman off, then pulls away.]
Kenny:[rushes up to him] (Eric! Eric!)
Cartman:[sees Kenny] Aw, crap!
[Hell, the park. Satan is strolling through the park in a happy mood]
Satan:[encounters two men] Hi, Bob. Hi, Rick.
Rick:Hi, Satan.
Saddam:[waiting in the road] There you are!
Satan:[rolls his eyes] Awgh. Not again.
Saddam:You know you can't live without me. Now GET THAT ASS BACK TO BED!
Satan:Saddam, I told you: I don't need you anymore!
Saddam:You can't leave me, Satan. Nobody leaves me.
Satan:Yes I can! Raaarrr [blasts a hole through Saddam with lightning from his index finger. Saddam falls]
Saddam:Aw, you little -prick!
Satan:Good-bye forever, Saddam!
Saddam:[coughs] What are you talking about?! You can kill me, but I'll be back tomorrow.
Satan:Not this time! I asked a favor of an old friend of mine to let you in!
Saddam:Let me in where? [flames appear and make him disappear]
[Heaven, Saddam is whisked into it, as Satan was]
Saddam:What the? Hey, what the hell is this place?!
Mormon 5:Hello, and welcome.
Mormon 1:We're glad you made it, brother.
Saddam:Ey, who the hell are you?
Mormon 6:We're just about to do a play, about how much stealing hurts you deep inside. Come join us. [he and others crowd in on Saddam]
Mormons:[ad lib] Yes. Come on. Let's go.
Mormon 6:You're here forever. [the Mormons lift him up and carry him away over their heads]
Saddam:Nooo! Nu- nooooooooooo!
[End of Probably]