Mitgeschrieben und dem Planearium zur Verfügung gestellt von Willie Westwood (South Park Scriptorium)

Episode 2010 - The End of Serialization as We Know It


Gerald, Sheila, and Ike Broflovski
Laura Tucker
President Garrison
Gen. Revaur and Gemeral 2
Elon Musk and Aides 2 and 3
Female Engineers
Dick Slapperman
Lennart Bedrager
Dane 2
Bill Keegan
Field Reporter
Mr. Beckett
NSA Agents
Pentagon Staffers 4 and 5
Women on Mars

[The Pentagon, day. The place is bustling, as always. President Garrison sits in a chair in the middle of it all not doing much. The two generals walk up to him]
Gen. Revaur:Mr. President, Rhe Russians are scrambling to attack Denmark. NATO wants to know how we intend to stop them. Mr. President? Mr. President, you can't just sit ther with your stank face.
Garrison:I, I ca- I can't?
General 2:The Troll Trace Web site is set to go online in less than 15 minutes! The world is in complete chaos!
NSA Agent 1:Sir! [the generals walk over] Someone is leadiing a coordinated cyberstrike on the Troll Trace Web site.
Garrison:[stands up] A cyber attack? Well that's good. Where's in comin' from?
NSA Agent 1:Could be Russian, we don't know. Whoever this troll is, he's pretty fuckin' hardcore, sir.
[Gerald's study, evening. But Gerald's not home, so... It's Kyle at his dad's computer, with a lemon-lime soda instead of wine. "Smolin'" plays as Kyle make s a few Face Time calls]
Kyle:Okay, Okay. Token? Token, are you there?
Token:I'm here. What's this about, Kyle?
Kyle:I can't tell you, dude. I just need your help. Please, my life depends on it.
Token:Okay, okay, sure.
Kyle:Alright, I need you to tell me the worst thing I can say on the United Negro College Fund Web site to piss off black people.
Kyle:Token, please. There's no time to explain.
Token:Beyhoncé ani't nothing but a Taylor Swift ripoff.
Kyle:That helps. Thank you! [he then talks to two other boys] Tweek, Craig, I I need you to get on the GLAAD Web site and respond to all the horrible shit I said about gay people.
Craig:Why'd you say horrible shit about gay people?
Kyle:It's not important. Just get on it and respond. [gets an incoming call] Hang on. [switches over the Stan] Stan, finally. Dude, I need everybody online. Now!
Stan:For what?
Kyle:There's no time to explain! You've gotta go out and get everybody. Tell them to get ont heir computers! GO!
Stan:Okay! [leaves the computer with his headphones on. Kyle goes on to the next call]
Kyle:Jimmy! What's the worst possible thing we can say on a Web site for handicapped Syrian refugees?
Jimmy:Wa-wa-waddle back to Syria, desert tards? [grins]
[The Broflovski kitchen. Sheila's still trapped in the pantry, and the door is nailed shut, with the chair still propped up under the doorknob. The door moves with every struggle and pounding she gives to it]
Sheila:You boys better not be on that computer! I'll make you pay for this! You locked your mother in the pantry?! I'll lock you in your rooms forever!
[Rick rolling. Gerald is still locked in the conference room, listening to "Never Gonna Give You Up" in a continuous loop. Gerald is slumped over. The video begins to break up and Dildo Shwaggins appears on screen]
Gerald:[sits up] Dildo?
Dick:Skankhunt, can you hear me?
Gerald:Yes. [walks up to a monitor] Yes. Where are you?
Dick:The troll locked us in the control room with his Danish workers.
Gerald:How long before the Web site goes online?
Dane 2:Less than 10 minutes.
Gerald:Oh, God!
Dick:Skankhunt, the Troll Trace servers monitor and catalogue outrage and hate on the Internet. There'a s troll out there trying to overload them by generating tons of hate. Skank, whoever is doing it is doing it from your account.
Gerald:My account?
Dick:Yeah, he;s pissing off a lot of people.
Gerald:That's my boy!!
[SpaceX Day. The crowd is much bigger and noisier now]. Inside, the engineering team is gathered to look at this new, golder combuustion chamber.]
Female Engineer 1:The core energy is completely stable and very easy to produce.
Female Engineer 2:It's the most massive energy source of its size we've ever seen.
Aide 2:We've done it, Elon! With this type of energy, we can easily get mankind to Mars.
Elon Musk:This is amazing, And it's all thanks to you, little girl. How did you get to be so smart?
Heidi:I just... have a boyfriend who really supports me. [looks over at Cartman and waves. He waves back, but is rather worried now]
Elon Musk:Well, come on. I wanna know everything about you. [walks away with her]
Cartman:Conniving... snakes in the grass. All of them.
Cartman:We have to tell someone the truth, Butters.
Butters:Are you sure about what's goin' to happen on Mars?
Cartman:It's all been leading up to this. We've just been too blind to see it before. [one of Elon's aides walks by]
Aide 2:Ey, you guys need anything? Water? Soda?
Cartman:Maybe just a moment alone? To talk?
Aide 2:S-sure. About what?
Cartman:The end of our species.
[Gerald's study, later. Kyle is marshalling his troops to troll the Internet.]
Kyle:Alright, who else we got now? Kevin, are you there? Kenny?
Kevin:Yes. I-I typed in everything you told me to.
Kenny:(I did too, dude. What's next?)
Ike:Kyle, I'm gonna help you.
Kyle:No, Ike. So far, the only thing you've done has been from Dad's account. I need you to stay clean. No trolling, okay?! You can just help me with what I should say.
Dick:[pops in on Face Time] Hello? Can you hear me? This is Dildo Shwaggins.
Kyle:Who are you?
Dick:I'mm a colleague of your father's. We see what you're trying to do, and we're gonna help. We ttolled with your father. Now we will troll with you.
Kyle:Uh, okay.
Dick:Son, you need to know that your father is very proud of you. He was the best at Trevor's Axiom. He believes you can be too.
Kyle:What the hell is Trevor's Axion?
[An explanation, from an NSA agent.]
NSA Agent 2:Trevor's axion is a well-known equation in online trolling. It's a way in which one person can create a massive reaction on the Internet. [listening to him are the President, the two generals, and two other NSA agents] Look, person A trolls person B, but it's not about person B. The troll is trying to push buttons to try and get a reaction from hundreds, eventually creating person C, whose overreaction and self-righteousness will elecit a reaction from persons D through F, who weren't troll, but can't help rip on person C. Their outraged actions lead to outraged persons G through N, and it keeps going, generating massive energy. It's like the fission reaction that leads to a fusion explosion, all bringing out the worst in humanity.
Garrison:Huh, that sort of sounds like how I got elected.
NSA Agent 2:Precisely, Mr. President. And if this kind of overreaction can be amplified through the Pentagon servers, it could blow up the Internet before Troll Trace ever does substantial damage.
Garrison:Gentlemen, get me in contact with that troll.
[SpaceX, day. Cartman and Butters talk to Elon's aide on the factory floor]
Cartman:Listen, there isn't much time. This whole thing has to be stopped. We can't go to Mars.
Aide 2:You keep saying that, but not why.
Butters:Because Eric knows the future.
Aide 2:What are you talking about?
Cartman:I've had visions of Mars for the past few months. I'm a visionary. That's why I came here. Why I brought her. [gets off his chair and walks off a bit] But the visions weren't complete until recently. [slowly] I know what happens on Mars. [the camera goes into his mind through his left eye.] At first, you'll be super-happy, bouncing around the red sand.
Cartman:Everyone will be really nice.
Woman 1:Hi!
Woman 2:Hi!
Cartman:[bounces by] Hi!
Cartman:You'll think the rover cars and roller coasters are really kewl. But then you'll realize something. The other colonists all seem to be women.
Cartman:Hmmm, let's see...
Cartman:And then you'll start to wonder, "where are all the guys?"
Butters:[whispers] Look underground. [his voice echoes away]
Cartman:And soon you'll realize there's areas you didn't understand the purpose for. [to his left is an entrance to a nine. He notices and checks inside]
Cartman:What is this place?
Cartman:And that's when you'll learn the truth. [Before him is a large cave with men strapped to pipes] Men have been forced underground, deemed useless by women. [the men all wear numbered ear tags, and each one is attached to a computer and a jug of semen] They are mined for the only things women still need us for: our semen and our jokes. [penis pumps stimulate the testicles so they can produce the semen collecting in the jugs. A small bell dings and two women come out to get Cartman]
Cartman:What? No no! You're just as funny as us. [they remove his helmet] You don't need to do this! [he's strapped in and hooked up] Noooo! No, nooo.
Woman 3:Write jokes!
Cartman:Noooo. [voice fades in a whimper] Noooo.
Cartman:And you'll be trapped down there forever, in the cum and joke mines of Mars.
Aide 2:That's, that's ridiculous. Why would women need us to do that? They're just as funny as men.
Cartman:If there's even a little part of you that doesn't really believe that, then think about what else has to be going on. [the three males look over at two women as they walk by in the distance. They notice and look back]
Female Engineer 2:What?
Aide 2:What?
Cartman:[sits back down] You have to help us stop this.
[Troll Trace, day. Gerald has taken to trying to open the conference room doors by trying all sorts of numeric combinations.]
Gerald:Aaah, Goddamnit!
Dick:Skank, are you still there?
Gerald:Yeah, I'm here!
Dick:The servers are starting to hear up, but the Dannish say there are breakers that will never let them overload. You've gottta climb up the building and shut off those breakers.
Gerald:I can't go anywhere. I'm locked in the conference room.
Dane 2:Oh, the keycode to the conference room is-a 9...
Dane 2:That's it. 9.
Gerald:Awww, for fuck's sake! [presses 9 and the doors open]
[The Broflovski kitcheb, pantry. Sheila's still stuck in there]
Sheila:Kyle! You'd better run if I get out of here! You'd better pray that I- [the chair falls away.] Agh! Ungh! [her hand reaches out and begins pulling out the wood nailing the door to the wall. A few more pushes and the door opens. Sheila comes out disheveled. A few seconds later she lets out a primal scream]
[Troll Trace, locker room. Gerald enters and sees an open locker - Locker 26, He opens it and pulls out a Troll Trace uniform. He puts it on and gets to climbing the tower from the inside.]
Dick:Skank? Skankhunt, are you there yet?
Gerald:Yeah, I'm up with all the servers.
Dane 2:The first breaker should be there. Tell him to look for a large red lever.
Dick:Skank, do you see a large red lever?
Gerald:[looks around and spots it] Yeah, I got it.
Dick:Flip it off. [Gerald turns it off, and the building begins to shake as alarms go off.] That's good! Keep going, Skankhunt!
[Ike's room. Ike is trolling...]
Ike:You are all dumbass fuckwads. [Sheila walks by...] Lick my asshole, you Mexican bitch.
Sheila:You dare lock me in the pantry so you can play on your oomputer?! [runsn for his computer. Ike crawls out of the way. Sheila picks up the monitor and smashes it to the floor]
Sheila:You're gonna pay for what you've done!
Ike:Aaah! [runs out of the room and down theh hallway into Gerald's study] Kyle!
Kyle:Shit! [gets off the computer to shield Ike from their mom]
Ike:Mommy got out.
Sheila:You! You helped make your brother this way!
Kyle:Mom, there's been a mistake. Ike isn't the school troll. We're trying to helpp the p-
Sheila:Shut up! Not another word from either of you! You're both grounded from the computer! Forever!
Kyle:Mom, please. You've gotta listen to me! Ike is innocent. [He and Ike now stand before an escape harness attached to a cable going out the window]
Sheila:Do you think I'm stupid?!
Kyle:No! Mom, you just don't know everything. [straps the harness on.]
Sheila:You both march out of here right now!
Kyle:I'm sorry, Mom. I'm just trying to protect my family. [presses a button on the harness and takes Ike out the window with him. Sheila walks up to the window and looks outside, wondering.]
[SpaceX, day.]
Aide 2:Look, Elon, I'mm just saying, before we go any further, you might wanna hear this kid out. [The aide stops and addresses Cartman] Go on, tell Elon.
Cartman:Elon, I know you've dreamt of mankind getting to Mars, but it's not going to be very kind to Man. They're going to put us derground.
Elon Musk:For what?
Cartman:What's the one thing women don't have? Semen, and a sense of humor.
Elon Musk:That's two things.
Cartman:They're pretty related.
Elon Musk:Women don't need us for comedy. They can be just as funny as men. You should meet my girlfriend. She's really smart, and really funny.
Cartman:[facepalm] Oh, Elon. Oh, Christ, Elon.
Butters:I used to think women were fnnny too, but Eric talked me out of it.
Cartman:It's something they do to our brains. They attract us like flies to the spider web. And then they... make you think they're really smart, really funny, but they're only really smart, Elon. [turns left] They can live without us. We can't live without them. [sees Heidi through a glass wall. She waves at him, he waves back with an open smile, she trusn right and walks away.] If even 1/16 of you believes women might not be as funny as men, Elon- [turns to look at him, but Elon is not there.]/i> Elon?
[COPY and PRINT, day. Ike and Kyle are there, Kyle is on one of the computers, trolling]
Kyle:Why don't you kill yourself? Trust me, no one will care.
Ike:You fat hooker.
Kyle:You fat hooker. Ike, when this is iall over, we're gonna need to clean your mouth out.
Ike:You clean your fuckin' mouth out.
Kyle:[Stan pops up] Stan! You still haven't found Butters? Dude, I need his hatred towards women right now!
Stan:Dude, he's not around anywhere. He must be out of town.
Kyle:Shit! Hold on! [takes another incoming call - it's the President]
Kyle:Oh, hey, Mr. President.
Garrison:Kyle, you're the troll who started all this?
Kyle:Uh... whattaya mean?
Garrison:Don't worry, your secret's safe with me. So long as you keep doin' what you're doin', the American government is behind you.
Kyle:It is?
Garrison:Keep up the good work. We're gonna take that big shitstorm o' hate you're creating and amplify it. We'll try to create enough energy to blow up the whole fuckin' Internet. You're doin' God's work, son. Keep it up.
Kyle:Thanks? [salutes him]
[A helicopter in the air. Lennart Bedrager is flying away and checking his phone. He get aloarmed as he sees that Gerald has left the conference room]
Lennart:Oh no you don't! [turns the helicopter around and flies back to Troll Trace]
[South Park, day. The town is in a panic, with people checking their phones or talking on them and cars zipping by. Sheiila walks up to the Tucker house and pounds on the door. Laura opens it.]
Sheila:Laura, have my boys come to see Craig? They're hiding from me. [Laura looks at her and just breaks down, crying] What? What, what?
Laura:The son of a bitch. He's such a bastard! [leaves the front door] When you marry someone and you think you know them...
Sheila:I don't know what you're talking about.
Laura:Troll Trace. [points to a laptop] It's up and running. It can tell you anybody's Internet history. I couldn't resist. I looked up my husband. The Web sites he's visited are just... disgusting!
Sheila:May I use this a moment?
Laura:Sure. Type in any name. It'll show you everything they've ever done online. Be careful. You might not like what you see. [Sheila sits and types in Ike's name. His search results pop up and scroll down. Sheila's jaw drops]
[SpaceX, day. Eric is getting exasperated]
Cartman:What the hell am I gonna do, Butters?? I can't live without Heidi. I know I'll be miserable. But I also can't live on the cum and joke mines of Mars.
Butters:Gee, I don't know what to tell you, buddy.
Cartman:If I stay on Earth where the Internet is, Heidi finds out I know women aren't actually funny. And if I go to Mars, I get milked like a goat. [Butters' phone rings, he picks up]
Kyle:Butters! Where the fuck are you?!
Butters:Well, I'm at SpaceX. Where are you?
Kyle:SpaceX? Why?
Butters:Well, we sort of created this ginormic energy source, but now we're trying to figure out what to do with it.
Kyle:Like... how ginormic of an energy source?
Butters:Well, like enough to get humanity to Mars.
Cartman:Is that Kyle? [takes the phone] Kyle, do you mind?! I'm having really big girl problems right now!
Kyle:Cartman, I think we might be able to help each other.
[Troll Trace, day. Gerald is near the top of the tower now]
Dick:Skank, there's no time. Have you found the last breaker?
Gerald:I think so. I-I'm up on some kind of bridgeway.
Dane 2:The last breaker should be there.
Gerald:Headed to it now. [runs across the bridge, but Lennart shows up to block him]
Lennart:I'm ten steps ahead of you. [Gerald stops in his tracks as Lennart walks onto the bridge with a pistol] What's the matter, skankhunt? You just can't stand to be outdone, huh? [pieces of the building begin to fall around them]
Gerald:Get out of my way! What you're doing is wrong!
Lennart:Whoaho! What I'm doing is wrong? How is getting millions of people to kill themselves different from getting one person to?
Gerald:It's completely heartless and malicious.
Lennart:You can honestly stand there, as a troll, and tell my what I'm doing isn't hilarious?
Gerald:No, it's not. Hackiing the world to show that most people act differently online isn't even technically satirical.
Lennart:How is it not satirical? [more debris falls to the ground]
[The Tucker house. Sheila is still viewing Ike's Internet history, now going back 18 days]
Sheila:There's nothing here. Maybe Kyle was telling the truth. [leaves the chair] Oh, Laura! I think my boys were being honest with me.
Laura:About what?
Sheila:I accused Ike of, of, I can't really say, but this thing says he's clean. I've gotta find my boys, Laura. Thank you so much. [prepares to leave]
Laura:It's not our kids we have to worry about. My husband was on three married-but-dating Web sites! He looked at porn 4,000 times in one month! Aren't you curious what your husband does? Huh? Sure he doesn't have any girlfriends?
Sheila:[looks at the laptop again] ...No. I, I have to respect Gerald's privacy.
Laura:Sure, yeah, respect. Nice of you to give him that. Come on, you really think you can resist the urge to type in his name... just for a quuick little look?
[The Pentagon, day. Things there are so hectic an agent runs by with flames on his jacket and hair. The two NSA agents from before are monitoring developments concerning Troll Trace]
NSA Agent 3:There's nothing more we can do. Nearly everyone is online, and we've diverted all the power we can.
Gemeral 2:Mr. President, Troll Trace has been online for almost 15 minutes now. It's too late. We need to get you down to the bunker.
Garrison:Oh, I've got a bunker? Well that's good.
Staffer 4:Mr. President! We have an urgent call from Kyle!
Garrison:Sorry, Kyle. Looks like it's not gonna work.
Kyle:Mr. Garrision, I might have just found a lot more energy. Is there any way the Pentagon can connect to SpaceX?
Garrison:SpaceX? What the fuck is that?
Kyle:You know, the compnay trying to find new forms of energy, create jobs, and get mankind to Mars.
Garrison:Okay, that's dumb, but go on.
[Troll Trace. It's getting dangerous in there.]
Gerald:Okay, okay look! What you're doing is just trying to prove that everyone is either a bad person or a snoop, right? So, how is that funny??
Lennart:That's not what I'm doing. I'm showing everyone that all this stuff they freak out over doesn't even matter.
Gerald:No, but see, that's just nihilism.
Lennart:Oh, come on.
Gerald:That is!
Lennart:So, so wait: if you do some big, outrageous, offensive thing with positive attitude, you're a satirist, but if you're cynical about it, you're a nihilist? That's fucking ridiculous! [more convulsions, and the bridge begins to give way]
Gerald:You're trying to get people to go to war and kill each other!
Lennart:So maybe this is like the new post-funny era of satire. [more debris falls]
[SpaceX factory floor, day. An alarm blares across the floor and Cartman is on the emergency intercom]
Cartman:Attention, all SpaceX employees. Please evacuate the building immediately. We've just received a bomb threat from NASA. This is not a drill. The NASA terrorists are super-jelly of us. [Heidi walks up behind him] Please quietly and calmly find the nearest exit, and get the fuck out as fast as you can. [he turns and is startled] Ah! Oh, hey babe. What-what's up?
Heidi:There's a bomb thread?
Cartman:Oh, yeah. I was just um- They told me on the stifernisy thing. It was spinning. Come on, we'd better get out. [takes Heidi by the hand and walks towards the exit with her]
Heidi:[stops] Babe, is everything okay? You seem... distant lately.
Cartman:Distant? Really? Oh my God, I-I'm sorry. [in the background, Butters and Aide 2 walk by with a massive plug]
Heidi:Did I do something wrong?
Cartman:No. No, Heid. [repositions her so she doesn't see what's going on behind her] Why would you think that?
Heidi:You don't really talk to me the same way you used to. Oh God, I'm sounding needy, huh?
Cartman:Uh huh, uh hun, Yeah, go on. [Aide 2 screws the plug into the core reactor]
Heidi:Eric, I just- I hope you're always honest with me, even if you think it might hurt my feelings.
Cartman:Uh huh. Yeah, kewl. Uh, Heidi, I'll always do what's best for both of us. Now, come on. We've got to get outside.
[The Tucker house. Sheila Broflovski is back on the laptop pondering Gerald's Internet history. She begins the search]
Sheila:I shouldn't do this.
[Troll Trace, day. Gerald has been trying to reason with Lennart, but time is running short]
Gerald:I can't argue with you anymore. I wanna stand here and tell you that you and I are different, but it's not true. All we've been doing is making excuses for being horrible people. [Lennart listens and begins to relax] I don'know if you tried to teach me a lesson, but you have. [walks towards Lennart]/i> I have to stand here and look at you, and all I see is a big, fat reflection of myself, with only one minor difference. [kicks Lennart in the groin]
Lennart:Ohh! [Gerald grabs him by the collar and throws him over] No! [falls to his death]
Gerald:Ha! Fuck you! What I do is fucking funny, bitch! [sees the final circuit breaker and runs to it. He flips that one off, and an alarm sounds]
[COPY and PRINT, moments later. Kyle is on Face Time wtih Dick]
Dick:That's it! Your dad's got it! Give it everything you've got!
Kyle:[now tallking to Mr. Garrison] Mr. President, do it!
Garrison:[to the Pentagon staffers] Reroute the Internet through SpaceX!
Staffer 5:Rerouting now! [pressure builds up inside the reactor containing the core energy, and it blows up. The blast takes out everything in SpaceX]
[The Tucker house. Sheila types in the last of the required info and presses "Return." Troll Trace retrieves the search results, and Gerald's Internet history pops up. A power surge freezes the screen for a moment, and the lapptop shuts down. And not just the laptop, but computers all over the world shut down.
Sheila:What the hell just happened?
[SpaceX, day. People run across the adjoining parkiing lot as the complex blows up. On the hill Cartman and Heidi first saw SpaceX from, they're there again, along with Butters, Elon Musk, and SpaceX workers]
Cartman:Well, looks like you're gonna have to kind of start over, huh, Elon? Maybe you should just go back to your little cars, huh?
Heidi:Wow, babe. Looks like all our dreams are kind of on hold for a while, huh?
Cartman:Yeah well, some people's dreams are other people's nightmares.
Heidi:Well what do you mean?
Cartman:It was a joke.
[South Park, morning. With both Troll Trace and SpaceX destroyed, everyone around the world can start off clean. Stephen and Linda Stotch step outside, then look to their left.]
Kyle:And so, life goes on. [Tweek steps outside, followed by his parents] The end of civilization didn't happen. [more people step out, shake hands, hug. The Tuckers have made up.] A massive electric pulse completely erased the Internet. [a taxi drives up to the Broflovski house and Gerald gets out] We've been given a ssecond chance. [Gerald enters the house and sees Kyle and Ike waiting for him in the living room] A mulligan. [Sheila runs up to him and hugs him] Anything we might be ashamed of, gone forever. [the boys are not amused. Gerald holds out a thumbs-up and a smile. The boys lower their eyelids] Maybe now boys and girls can learn to respect each other again, [a South Park bus pulls up to a stop and lets out some passengers. Among them are Heidi and Cartman.] and realize how careful our online lives have to be. [Cartman walks Heidi home. She kisses him as her parents watch on from the front door, then goes into the house with them] Because we've all seen what happens when the Twitters, Facebooks, and trolls decide our reality. [At the White House, an army of member berries waits inside the Oval Office] Now that we've been given this second chance, it's up to all of us to see what we do with it. [A shot of the Marshes watching TV on the sofa, including Grandpa and Sparky]
Bill Keegan:[reporting] And the first new e-mail since the Internet was erased successfully went out at 6 a.m. today. The honor went to a Mr. Dave Beckett of Boca Raton, Florida. [Mr. Beckett is shown relaxing on his front porch]
Field Reporter:Mr. Beckett, you had the honor of being the first person to socialize on the new Internet. Can you tell us what you did?
Mr. Beckett:Well, I sent an e-mail with a photo to my old friend Thomas Winger up in Connecticut
Field Reporter:And what did you say to Mr. Winger.
Mr. Beckett:I showed him my dick, called him a fag.
[End of The End of Serialization as We Know It.]