Kyle
Cartman
Butters
Heidi
PC Principal
Mr. Mackey
Gerald, Sheila, and Ike Broflovski
Stephen Stotch
Tom the plastic surgeon
Lennart Bedrager
Dick, Anonymous821, and Troll 4
President Garrison and Caitlyn Jenner
Steve Bannon and A Garrison advisor
General Revaur and Two Other Generals
Three Pentagon Staffers
Elon Musk, SpaceX Receptionist, and Tour Assistant
Member Berries, including Tubs, 1, 2, 3, 4, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, the Bouncer, the mob boss, his henchman, and a waiter
Vladiimir Putin and two aides
Boris Johnson and Two UK Aides
| [Tom's Rhinoplasty, day. Caitlyn Jenner and some of Garrison's advisors are inside] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| An advosor: | The political world is watching, Bannon. [hands him a file, which Bannon skims through] We need to make sure the President-elect has a smooth transition. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Bannon: | All indications are that his transition is going to be fine. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Tom: | [entering the lobby] We're just doing some finishing touches, but everything went well. You can... see him now, if you like. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Caitlyn: | I'll go. [walks into the operating room and clears her throat. Garrison sits in a chamber and an orange wig is lowered onto his head. "Hail To The Chief" plays in a minor key, sounding like an imperial march. The chair turns around and Mr. Garrison's new look is revealed.] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Garrison: | Well, do I look Presidential? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Caitlyn: | Honestly, you look twenty years younger. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Garrison: | They really worked on my stank face. Look. Whenever I don't know what people are tallking about, I can just do this. Wait, look. [curls the ends of lis lips down] I can do this. [makes the face again] This is, this is my stank face. [the same face, but with his mouth open and teeth showing] It's like "I'm not listening to you, see?" [makes that face again] They did a really good job on my stank lips. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Caitlyn: | It's an amazing transition. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Garrison: | Now I feel ready to take care of business and do what really matters... in just a few minutes. I'm gonna do the UV rays a little longer. [the chamber lid comes down and seals him inside] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [SpaceX, night. Heidi and Cartman enter the lobby and talk to the receptionist there] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Receptionist: | Can I help you? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Cartman: | Hello. I understand that you're trying to get to Mars. This is my girlfriend, Heidi. She's really smart and really funny. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Receptionist: | ...okay. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Cartman: | We've given up social media and we'd like to be somewhere as far from the Internet as possible. Is it true Mars would have really shitty wi-fi? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Receptionist: | That'd be an understatement, yes. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Cartman: | We'll, we'd like to go. We can't tolerate this world anymore and we'd like to talk to whoever we can about getting to Mars as soon as possible, please. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Receptionist: | Uh huh. Take a number and join the others. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Cartman: | What others? [the receptionist looks to his right and Cartman follows his gaze. Heidi soon looks as well. They see a bunch of people waiting around to leave the planet. Cher is there warbling away on her song "Believe" while a mother carries a baby around and her daughter tails her closely] What the fuck, dude?! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Receptionist: | A lot of people wanna leave the planet right now. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Cartman: | Aw Goddmanit is that Cher?! [Cher continues warbling] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [South Park Elementary, day. PC Prinicpal wipes his papers and his desk lamp off his desk in a fit of rage.] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| PC Principal: | Goddmanit! How the fuck did this happen?! [a knock is heard at the door. Then the door opens...]
| Mr. Mackey: | Uh, sorry PC Principal, but someone watns to speak with you?
| PC Principal: | I told you to leave me alone, Mackey! I'm [pounds the desk with his fist] not in the mood!
| Mr. Mackey: | But... but sir, the President-elect is here. [Mr. Garrison enters with two seret service agents]
| Garrison: | So sorry for the intrusion. You're not too busy, I hope?
| PC Principal: | Uh... n-not at all. Please, uh... have a seat, Mr. Garrison.
| Garrison: | Excuse me?
| PC Principal: | Uh, please have a seat, Mr... President.
| Garrison: | That's better, bitch.
| PC Principal: | Certainly want to uh... congratulate you on the election.
| Garrison: | Do you remember the day you fired me, PC Principal?
| PC Principal: | I know we've had some difficulties, uh-
| Garrison: | I was upset because a bunch of immigrants were changing my class and I believe your response was I needed to go and learn their language. Be more open-minded.
| PC Principal: | I'm sorry that your position here at the school was terminated.
| Garrison: | Are you really? Are you really sorry? Because, you see PC Principal,... You helped create me. You insisted that I was a bigot, that I was an intolerant relic left over from another time. But now... I'm your President. And if there's one thing I've learned about becoming President, it's that your penis can get really dry. When all the skin on your penis is drying out from working so hard to get elected, there's only one thing that can fix it, isn't there? Saliva, from a good friend who once doubted you. I need you to fix my problem, PC Principal, so that we can be even-stevens. What do you say, buddy?
| [A club. A sign on the back door says "Members Only." The door opens and a bouncer lets a couple out, then the door closes. Next to that door is a tiny door near a downspout. The member berries arrive there shortly]
| Member Berry 4: | Oh, 'member when it fell in her drink?
| Member Berry 2: | I 'member.
| Member Berry 3: | 'Member when Han shot Greedo?
| Member Berry 4: | Yeah, I 'member Greedo.
| Tubs: | I 'member Greedo.
| Member Berry 1: | 'Member? [Member Berry 3 knocks on the door. A window slides open and a berry bouncer talks to them]
| Bouncer: | What's the passowrd? 'Member?
| Member Berry 1: | Yeah, I 'member.
| Member Berry 3: | You 'member?
| Bouncer: | I 'member. [closes the window and opens the door to let them in. Inside, "Sing, Sing, Sing" plays. All around them are mobsters - member berry mobsters, wearing berets, fedoras, and derbies. There aer females too, wearing boas and fancy hats]
| Member Berry 3: | Ha ha. "Meber this place?
| Member Berry 4: | Sure, I 'member.
| Member Berry 1: | 'Member the Tantive IV?
| Member Berry 3: | Oh-hoh, I loved that ship! [they stop in front of a mob boss's table]
| Member Berry 1: | Hi, it's us! 'Member?
| Mob Boss: | Us who? I don't 'member.
| Member Berry 4: | We did the thing with throwing Mickey in the drink, 'member?
| Mob Boss: | Oh, sure, I 'member. That's because of youse we won the election.
| Tubs: | Yeah. Yeah, 'member?
| Mob Boss: | Waiter, round of drinks for our heroes here, 'member?
| Waiter: | I 'member.
| Mob Boss: | You done good, poisoning the lady's drink. Now our man is in office, 'member? But I still have things I need you to do.
| Tubs: | Heheh, heheh, I 'member.
| [The Troll Trace building, Denmark, day. Gerald is still in the vault with the other trolls, and still trying to escape. He's pounding on the door.]
| Gerald: | Please! You have to let me out of here!
| Dick: | Skankhunt, stop!
| Lennart: | [overhead] Yes, please. You're making a very jackass of yourself. [Gerald backs up enough to see the troll hunter on screen] Well, well. What do we have here? Looks like a little troll party.
| Troll 4: | You Danish pricks, you tricked us!
| Lennart: | We didn't trick you, your own government did. They thought if they handed you over to us, we would agree not to go forward with the Troll Trace program.
| Gerald: | You can't hold people prisoner! I haven't done anything! People are gonna be looking for me!
| Lennart: | By all means [tosses a smartphone to him], contact whoever you want. Of course, you'll have to tell them why you're here.
| Dick: | What are you gonna do with us?!
| Lennart: | We're going to use you to set the world on fire. When the servers go online, there will be panic, chaos, and war. And from the ashes a new world will rise. A world where everyone is happy and-a singing, and has-a no secrets, like Denmark! [pounds the railing]
| Dick: | You think you can turn countries of the world against each other?! Our President will never let that happen!
| [The supermarket in South Park, day. As shoppers go about their purchases, the sliding doors open and the President walks in with two Secret Service agents.]
| Garrison: | Hey everybody! [walks to a checkout line, takes a mic, and hums "Hail To The Chief"] Guess who's here? It's the President of the United Fucking States. [mic drop, then walks around the store] Oh, it's been a while since I've heard from you guys. Hello, Janice. [takes a small bottle of water from her shopping basket and opens it, tossing the cap away] Hi, Stephen.
| Stephen: | [looks away] Mr. President.
| Garrison: | [walks around the store some more] I was just, you know, passin' through the old neighborhood [checks out a tomato paste can from another shopper] thinking about what laws I might get rid of, whe suddenly, out of nowhere, my penis got really dry. You know if they have anything at this store for a dry dick? Huh? No? You guys can't think of anything? Oh, I know. How about [points to] Eduardo Hernandez? [a stocker] I believe it was Eduardo who told me I couldn't double-bag my groceries, even though he's from fuckkng Guatemala. Well what do you think nnow, Eduardo? You wanna double-bag somethin' else? [his phone rings, and he pulls out out of his back pocket to answer it] This is the President.
| General Revaur: | Sir, we need you at the Pentagon. It's a matter of national security.
| Garrison: | Oh, really? I'm kinda busy here, jeez.
| General Revaur: | Sir, the Danish have released a statement. I'm afraid... we may be going to war.
| Garrison: | War?
| [Ike's room, day. He's playing a first-person shooter game when a Skype call comes in.]
| Gerald: | Ike?! Ike, buddy, can you hear me?! I need you to do something, okay? Daddy needs your help! I need you to go to your browser and sign on to the school message board, okay? Can you do that for me? The school message board and then log in. Lowercase S, skank-hunt-4-2. You got it?
| Dick: | Wow.
| Anonymous821: | Wow what?
| Dick: | He's gonna have his son sign on and troll for him.
| Gerald: | If skankhunt is still out there trolling, then they have the wrong guy, get it?! It's called "using your brains," fatso!
| Anonymous821: | So they'll blame your kid?
| Gerald: | Nobody cares if a kid trolls! What are they gonna do? Get a slap on the wrist?
| Dick: | [stands up] Didn't you hear what that guy said? They're gonna set countries against each other! We have way bigger problems!
| Gerald: | You don't know my fucking wife! [back on the phone with Ikd.] Ike, you got it? Great, pal. Okay, now I need you to go to the comments section. Okay, and type in "You should all get raped by gorillas." You got that, pal? Ike, "You should all get raped by gorillas." Come on, we have a lot of work to do here!
| [SpaceX lobby. The group is still waiting for something to happen]
| Cartman: | [holding Heidi's hand] Jesus. I didn't think getting to Mars would take this long.
| Heidi: | You really think that this is what we should do, babe? I'm gonna miss everyone.
| Cartman: | I know, but it'll be worth it, babe. We'll be left alone to make our new world better.
| Butters: | Hey, Eric!
| Cartman: | [looks at Butters for a few seconds] What the hell are you doing here?!
| Butters: | Well, I wanna get the fuck off this planet, but they told me I had to take a number!
| Cartman: | Oh, nonono, you're a male chauvinist sexist pig, Butters! You don't get to go to Mars!
| Butters: | No, you don't understand. I've seen the light. I'm a changed man! I thought boys were being treated unfairly, but now I know... Shit's about to get a lot worse!
| [The White House, night.]
| Member Berry 7: | Heere we are.
| Member Berry 8: | Oh yeah, I 'member.
| Member Berry 9: | Come on, everybody. 'Member? [an army of member berries pass through the fence and across the lawn towards the front doors]
| Member Berry 10: | 'Member snowspeeders?
| Member Berry 11: | Yeah, I 'member.
| Member Berry 12: | 'Member not hearing?
| Member Berry 3: | 'Member the invasion of Hoth?
| Member Berry 13: | Haha, 'Member "You rebel scum"?
| Member Berry 4: | Oh I 'member. [they spread out. A group of them find the Oval Office and break in]
| A member berry: | Oh, 'member the rebel transports? [the five lead member berries hop onto the President's desk]
| Member Berries: | We did it! 'Member? Sure, I 'member. What do we do now? Don't you 'member?
| Tubs: | Ooo, I 'member.
| [Ike's room, day. His bedroom door is open now. Ike is typing away, still in touch with Gerald]
| Gerald: | Okay, now make sure the little worm is in the woman's mouth. You got it? [Ike is Photoshopping a penis into pumpkinSpice2005's mouth] Now I need you to type "You're a fat retard" in the comments.
| Ike: | You're a reartard. [types it correctly, though: "You're a retard."]
| Gerald: | No, you have to say "a fat retard," Ike! It's a nuance, but it's very important!
| Ike: | You are a fat retard.
| Sheila: | [walks by and notices] Ike?! What are you doing?!
| Ike: | [looks at her] | Sheila: | It was you! All this time!! What have you done, Ike?! Do you have any idea the damage you've caused?! How can my child be such a monster?! [her phonen rings and she ansewrs] Yes, yes, hello?
| Gerald: | Hey sweetheart, hoe's everything going?
| Sheila: | You have to come home from helping the government, Gerald! I just caught Ike trolling Mrs. Herrrera.
| Gerald: | Are you serious??
| Sheila: | Yeah! The school's troll is our son, Gerald! You should see all the things he's posted on his computer!
| Gerald: | Goddangit! Let me talk to him right now! [Sheila hands the phone to Ike]
| Ike: | Hello?
| Gerald: | Hey Ike. Just stay calm and act like I'm yelling at you, okay pal? Okay, give it a few seconds. Okay, wait. Good. Okay, now, now say "I'm sorry, Dad. I guess I'm just fucked up inside."
| Ike: | No!
| Gerald: | Ike, you have to listen to me! On your mother's life, this is a matter of national security! You have to say "I'm sorry, Dad. I guess I'm just fucked up inside."
| Ike: | I'm sorry, Dad. I'm just fucked up inside.
| Gerald: | That was amazing, kiddo, and it'll all be worth it, okay? I'll make this up to you. Give me back to your mom. [Ike hands the phone back]
| Sheila: | Gerald?
| Gerald: | He's full of shit, he's not sorry! If he felt sorry, he wouldn't be able to do it in the first place!
| Sheila: | I know!
| Gerald: | I'm gonna get home as soon as I can to deal with this, okay? We can deal with this together. Just don't say anything to anyone for now, alright?
| Sheila: | Okay. Okay, yeah, I love you too. I know. Bye. [hangs up, then reprimands Ike] You just sit in here until we figure out what to do! [walks away, but returns] And if you get back on that computer, you are done, got it?! [walks out and shuts the door. Gerald returns on Skype]
| Gerald: | Ike! Okay, there's just a few more things I need you to do. I need you to type "How would you like a donkey dick?"
| [The Pentagon, day. "Hail To The Chief" is playing again in a minor key. Gerald walks down a corridor with for Secret Service agents]
| General Revaur: | [arrives with two guards] Welcome to the Pentagon, sir. [salutes him] I've been ordered to show you around. This way, please.
| Garrison: | So I can do whatever the fuck I want in here now, right?
| General Revaur: | Yes sir. [Hinzleman hands him a file] Here are all our military secrets and all classified information. [hands the file to Garrison]
| Garrison: | Okay, good.
| General Revaur: | [stops at a door] This is the drone program. In there you can kill anyone on Earth remotely. Here's the keys.
| Garrison: | Thanks.
| General Revaur: | In here is Satellite Survaillance, where you can monitor anyone's conversation, live.
| Garrison: | Oh, tha'll come in handy.
| General Revaur: | [stops at a second door] Extreme Interroagion Room in case you ever find interrogaton necessary.
| Garrison: | Oh, hell yeah, it's necessarh. Let's do it!
| General Revaur: | [hands him a small briefcase] And here, of course, is the famous football, where you can order a nuclear attack in four minutes.
| Garrison: | Love me some football.
| General Revaur: | [stops at a third door] And finally, in here, is the Diplomatic Strategy and Negotiating Room. [opens the double doors and leads Garrison, his agents, and the two bodyguards into room]
| [The Diplomatic Strategy and Negotiating Room. Personnel walk around doing their jobs. A giant monitor dominates the room and shows trouble spots around the globe. Garrison walks into this madness and surveys it]
| Garrison: | Oh, Jeez, this doesn't look very fun.
| Second General: | Thank God you're here, sir. We need your guidance.
| [SpaceX lobby. Still waiting for that trip to Mars. A woman carries a baby around while her daughter runs to and fro]
| Butters: | Lu lu lu, I've got some apples. Lu lu lu, you've got some too.
| Cartman: | Butters, Butters, you expect people to believe that you went from being the biggest asshole in the school to a soft-hearted feminist like me?! Fat chance!
| Butters: | No, no, believe me, I'm a changed man. Girls are really smart, and they'll be runnin' the country soon, and they deserve total respect.
| Cartman: | Yeah? You just forgot one thing. That women are funny too. That didn't occur to you, did it, Butters?!
| Butters: | Well I don't think there was ever any question women are funny. Remember that movie 9 to 5 with Lily Tomlin and Dolly Parton?
| Heidi: | Oh yeah, that movie was funny.
| Butters: | Well I laughed my butt off and it never even occurred to me that they were women. I don't know why things changed. I don't know why people make such a big deal about women in comedy now. I mean, what about Carol Burnett. She was great!
| Heidi: | Wow, I guess you're right. [Cartman's eyes dart back and borth, noticing their shared interests]
| Cartman: | Yeah, I know-I mean, when women make vagina jokes, I think it's the funniest thing ever.
| Butters: | Yeh-hah, well I swear I don't care how many times Amy Schumer talks about her vagina, I laugh every time.
| Cartman: | [looks at Heidi, then at Butters, thne in a low voice] Oh, I see what you're doing.
| Heidi: | What babe?
| Cartman: | Oh nothin', babe. I'm just... Do you think you could tell me some jokes?
| Heidi: | [giggles] Why do you want me telling you jokes all the time?
| Cartman: | Because you're [glares at Butters] fucking hilarious.
| Heidi: | Well, did I tell you about the one about the skeleton and the skunk?
| Butters: | [laughs] That's already funny! [Cartman gets frustrated and makes a fist with his left hand.]
| [The Pentagon]
| Second General: | All around the world, countries are mobilizing armies and preparing countermeasures.
| Garrison: | Why? What the hell happened?
| General Revaur: | This is everything you need to know about the Troll Trace program
| Garrison: | What's Troll Trace?
| General Revaur: | A plan by the Danish to release the full Internet histories of everyone on Earth.
| Second General: | The previous administration tried to work with the Danish by handing over several trolls, but the plan didn't work.
| General Revaur: | The entire world has become very uncertain and unstable.
| Second General: | We think we should order all navy vessels to the Bering Sea.
| Garrison: | For what?
| General Revaur: | Because, when the Chinese are able to see all our e-mails and online activity, we believe they will most likely attace us. Also, there are ground troops mobilizing in Paris because the French believe when we see all of their e-mails, we will most likely attack them.
| Third General: | Mr. President, sir! The Russians are asking what we intend to do about the Danish.
| Garrison: | Well why are you asking me?
| Second General: | Please, sir, we have very little time before this escalates beyond our control.
| [The Kremlin, Russia, day. What follows is what's on the video, although the language is said to be Russian.]
| Aide 1: | President Putin, the Danish are going to enable their Troll Trace program.
| Vladiimir Putin: | Then everything I said and did online will be accessible to my girlfriend?
| Aide 1: | Yes, it appears so.
| Putin: | The Danish have to be stopped! We must know how the United States stands on this! [behind him, the phone rings at his desk and a second aide pops in to answer it]
| Aide 2: | Uh, Mr. President? It's the Oval Office. [Putin walks to the phone]
| Putin: | Yes, this is President Putin.
| Member Berry 3: | Do you 'member the Death Star?
| Member Berry 1: | Ahahaha, 'member cutting open tauntauns?
| Member Berry 4: | Yeah, yeah, 'member the force? [the berries chuckle]
| Putin: | What the hell is this?!
| Tubs: | Heheh, heheh, Yeah, sure, I 'member.
| Member Berry 1: | 'Member McGy-?
| Tubs: | Sure, I 'member.
| Member Berry 3: | 'Member?
| Member Berry 2: | Heheh, hey hay hay, 'member the Cold War?
| Member Berry 1: | Oh I loved the Cold War! That was fantastic!
| [SpaceX, day. Still waiting for that ride to Mars...]
| Tour Assistant: | Okay, Numbers 204 through 215, you can come on through.
| Cartman: | [leaves with Heidi] Oh, finally.
| Butters: | Hey, that's me too. Yippee!
| Tour Assistant: | Right in here, everyone. [The group, which includes Cher. walks in, and the door slams shut behind them]
| Elon Musk: | Hello, everyone, and welcome to the tour. I'm Elon Musk. Are we gonna have some fun today?
| Cartman: | Oh great, a stupid tour guide. Can we just talk to someone important please. We want to go to Mars.
| Elon Musk: | And gettng anywhere takes ingenuity. Oh, Mrs. Door? Would you mind... opening, please?
| Mrs. Door: | [interactive doors] Yes, Elon. [the doors rattle, but don't open. Elon turns and opens them manually. A chime plays as the doors open, and Elon leads the group onto the factory floor.]
| Elon Musk: | The only way for humankind to survive is with imagination and technology. Cars that run on eletricity. Solar panels that replace roof shingles. Even food that changes form. You see this? It's a pizza, only four inches long. and yet, when heated, it expands to make enough pizza to feed a hundred people. I call it the pizza... pocket.
| Cartman: | They already have Pizza Pockets.
| Elon Musk: | Who would like to see the Hyperloop? A new mode of travel that can take you from here to Dubai in nine minutes.
| Cartman: | Excuse me, Mr. Musk, this is all interesting and shit, but can we see the Mars rocket now?
| [Meanwhile, at the Pentagon...]
| Staffer 1: | Sir, India is moving aircraft carriers into the Gulf of Mexico.
| Garrison: | Well why would we care about Mexicans?!
| Staffer 2: | [in winter fatigues] Sir, a message from Saudi Arabia. They say they pinky-promise not to look up our Internet history if we pinky-promise not to look up theirs.
| Garrison: | Well what does that even mean?!
| Staffer 3: | [in winter fatigues] Still waiting on if we should send troops into Japan, sir.
| Garrison: | I don't know, Jeez!
| General Revaur: | Sir, it's the UK Secretary of Foreign Affairs calling from London. He says they have advice for you.
| Garrison: | What?
| Boris Johnson: | Yes, hello? Things aren't looking good here. We just want to say, whatever you do, don't eat the membberries.
| UK Aide: | [overhearing] Don't eat the membberries. They are bad.
| Garrison: | Memberries?
| Boris Johnson: | I'm afraid eveyone here who ate the memberries wanted to go back in the past, you see. Hasn't worked out too well for us.
| UK Aide: | We shouldn't have ate the memberries!
| Boris Johnson: | The memberries cloud your judgmemt. They get inside your head, you see.
| Garrison: | Get inside your head... Wait a minute... Nobody gets in my head, you limey bitch! Are you insulting me?! Stop wasting my time! 'Cause I'll have you here on a plane in five hours suckin' my dick!! [slams the phone down on the receiver]
| UK Aide: | What'd he say?
| Boris Johnson: | I believe they've eaten the memberries.
| UK Aide: | Ooh, dear!
| UK Aide 2: | Ooh, dear!
| [SpaceX tour, day. The tour is winding down]
| Elon Musk: | Here you see our Falcon 9 full-thrust rockets. They are actually able to take off into space and land safely back on Earth for reuse. [the group moves back to the lobby] Well, I certainly wanna thank you all for joining our tour today. You've been a wonderful group. Give yourselves a round of applause.
| Group: | Huh?
| Cartman: | Whoawhoawhoawhoa, what about going to Mars?
| Elon Musk: | Mars? We're still about ten years away from going to Mars. Maybe eight.
| Group: | Awwww.
| Cartman: | No, no nonono, we have to go now!
| Elon Musk: | Well I'm sorry, but it's a bit more complicated than a pizza pocket. Going to Mars is going to take a lot of very mmart people working very hard for a very long time. Now, if you don't mind, I have hundreds of more tours to do. [turns to exit the lobby]
| Butters: | Mr. Musk, wait! [Musk turns around] Maybe we can help you get to Mars sooner. I'm not sure if you know our friend, Heidi. She's really smart, and really funny. [Cartman flashes an angry face at Butters]
| Elon Musk: | Like... how funny?
| [The White House. Some member berries have formed a group and are performing "Africa." A vintage car horn is heard and the mob boss arrives with some henchmen. "Sing Sing Sing" blares from the radio]
| Mob Boss: | Out of the way, 'member?
| Berry Henchman: | You'd better 'member if you know what's good for youse! [the car moves through the crowd, down the corridors and into the Oval Office.]
| Member Berries: | Hey look, it's them. 'Member? Sure, I 'member. [the mobster berries get out of the car.]
| Mob Boss: | Ey, youse did good. Who's in charge, 'member?
| Member Berry 3: | We decided he's in charge.
| Member Berry 1: | No, we said I'm in charge, 'member?
| Member Berry 4: | No wait, I 'member. We all saod he's in charge. [leans to the left]
| Member Berry 2: | Oh yeah, I 'member.
| Mob Boss: | Wrong. [shoots Member Berry 2 clear through. Member Berry 2 collapses and bleeds out green juice]
| Member Berry 3: | Waaah!
| Mob Boss: | 'Member stormtroopers?
| Member Berry 2: | Yeah, I 'member.
| Mob Boss: | Not those stormtroopers! The real old ones. People wanna 'member? They're gonna 'member.
| [The Broflovski house. Kyle comes home from school and is about to go upstairs when he sees Ike in a corner, in time out. Ike has his head against the wall.]
| Kyle: | Ike? [He look back at Kyle, then puts his head on the wall again.] What are you doing?
| Sheila: | Don't talk to him! He is in big trouble!
| Kyle: | Well what'd he do?
| Sheila: | It's him, Kyle! Your brother is the Internet troll who's cause all this pain in our community!
| Kyle: | What?
| Sheila: | It was him all along. Now we have to figure out what to tell people when they learn this ugliness came from our family. [walks back into the kitchen]
| Kyle: | You made people quit Twitter? You started a war between boys and girls? You...? [stops and thinks back to the clues he's heard in recent days] Oh my God. Oh my God! Ike, come on! [grabs Kyle's hand and rushes out the front door with him. Sheila hears the front door open and looks around for her boys. She reaaches the open front door.]
| Sheila: | Kyle? Ike?! Whatwhatwhaaat?! [her voice echos around the neighborhood]
| [End of Members Only.]
| |