Mitgeschrieben und dem Planearium zur Verfügung gestellt von Willie Westwood (South Park Scriptorium)

Episode 1907 - Naughty Ninjas


Davíd Rodriguez
PC Principal
Randy, Sharon, and Grandpa Marsh
Gerald Broflovski
Stuart and Mrs. McCormick
Stephen Stotch
Ryan Valmer
Mayor McDaniels, Johnson, Aide
Sgt. Yates
Mitch Murphey Officer Barbrady
Officer Barkley
Other Police Officers
News Anchor and Reporter
1st Grade Boy
Driver and Passenger
Homeless Men
ISIS Leader
Bar Patron

[South Park, day. Two police officers are potroling the town in their vehicle]
Sgt. Yates:Attention all units in the vicinity of South Park Elementary! [the officers pay attention] We have a code red! [units begin showing up] Principal calling for help during school assembly! All officers needed at once!
Officer Barbrady:[in his patrol car eating a sub sandwich and drinking soda] The school? [puts down his food and starts the motor] Oh Jeez Louise! [turns his siren on and drives off. More units arrive at the schooll, even heavily-armed SWAT officers. They all arm themselves. Barbrady runs into one of the other cars]
Sgt. Yates:[to the assembled officers] We need to get to the gym! Hlaf go this way, half go around the side! Barbrady, you go around back! [the officers disperse. Barbrady goes into the school andn finds empty hallways. He stops for a moment and one can hear him pant. He barges into the Fourth Grade classroom and finds it deserted. He goes through the school lobby and finds no one.]
Officer 1:On 3: 1... 2... [Instead pf getting to 3, the officers enter the gym with their weapons drawn. More cops enter from the other end.]
PC Principal:There she is, officers, right there. I told you to stop chatting with your friend, dien't I, Leslie? You [Leslie looks at him, bewildered] see, officers, apparently Leslie thinks that talking to her friends is more imprtant than learning about diversity in third-world countries. [pulls out a laser pen light and lights Leslie up with it.] That one. Right there. You remove her from my school.
Barbrady:[barges into the gym] Whoa! Nobody move! What's happening?!
PC Principal:Get her out of here! [the light from his pointer falls upon Barbrady]
Barbrady:Oh, they've got me! [reflexively fires a shot, which hits a boy on the right shoulder]
PC Principal:Waaaah!
[South Park City Hall, later. The Mayor, her aides, and two other people]
Mayor McDaniels:This town is outraged, Officer Barbrady! People are tired of the police not being held accountable for their actions!
Barbrady:Mayor, I didn't know if there was a gunman, or a bomb-
Mayor McDaniels:You shot an unarmed six year old Latino child!
Barbrady:I'm sorry.
Mayor McDaniels:You're fired.
Barbrady:No, Myaor, please. This is all I know. I used to be the only policeman in this town, remember? Bob, ah I used to chase away the sixth graders for you.
Mayor McDaniels:You're from another time, Barbrady. And the last thing that needs to go. Your gun and your badge. [Barbrady takes them and lays them on the table] And your sunglasses.
Barbrady:[emotional] No, please, not my sunglasses.
Johnson:You're done, Barbrady! The town doesn't want you here! [reluctantly, Brabrady takes off his sunglasses and lays them on the table.]
Barbrady:Where should I go?
Johnson:You should have thought of that before you shot a Mexican!
Mayor McDaniels:Latino-American.
Johnson:Latino-American. [blinks hard] Shit.
Mayor McDaniels:You should go away. You don't belong anywhere in a town as progrressive as this onw.
[SoDoSopa, at Kenny's house. The mall and construction sites are still there, but the homeless have moved in. Kenny opens the door to take the trash out.]
Homeless Man 1:[sleeping upstairs at the abandoned Steed] Aaay, quient down over there, I'm trying to sle
Stuart:[steps outside] Goddamnit! You people all get out of here!
Homeless Man 2:[sleeping upstairs at Bi the garage] What made you in charge? [Karen appears at the living romo window]
Stuart:'Cause this is my fuckiin' house!
Homeless Man 3:[kicks a trashcan and walks over to him] Hey beat it, man, or I'll make you my bitch! [Karen screams. Stuart gets Kenny back inside and Karen leaves the window.]
[The McCormick living room. Stuart places a call as his family stands to one side watching him.]
Stuart:Yeah, we've got a bunch of drunk-addict vagrants trespassing on our yard and we need assistance.
Sgt. Yates[in his office] Oh, is that so? Well, we'd like to come help you, but we don't wanna get fired.
Stuart:What are you talkin' about? There's homeless people here and they're scarin' my kids! You need to come do somethin' about this!
Sgt. YatesI see. And are any of these homeless people of a minority persuasion?
Stuart:Well why does that matter?
Sgt. YatesOh, it matters. See, it used be we could beat up minorities and nobody cared. It's the reason a lot of us joined the force. [lowers the phone a bit] Hey Mitch, you wanna go down and arrest some homeless people but not be able to beat up any minorities?
Mitch:No thank you.
Sgt. YatesYeah, no, I think we're good. In fact, we're thinking of maybe turning the whole department into a hula school. Whattaya think?
Stuart:God Damnit! [slams the phone down onto the base unit]
Mrs. McCormick:Whar are they doing?!
Stuart:They're not coming!
Mrs. McCormick:But they have to! Karen brought in one of their syringes, for Christ's sake!
Stuart:Well that's just too bad! The cops won't come, so there's nobody to scare the homeless away! [turns around and walks away. Kenby lowers his head and looks down and to the right]
[Officer Barbrady's apartment. He walks in and sets his sack lunch over the TV, then takes off his jacket and puts it on the coat rack]
Barbrady:Hi, sweetheart. I've uh... I've been let go from the force. I'm so sorry. [an old dog raises its head and lets out a small groan. He walks over to it] Don't worry, old girl. [kneels down next to the dog and starts stroking it] It might be a little tough to afford your medication, but I'll find a way. You know me. I like to help. I like to be needed.
[Neighborhood park, day. Stan and Kyle are shooting hoops. Kyle takes a shot and misses. Cartman runs up to them.]
Cartman:You guys! Oh my God you guys! You guys, they're gay! [Butters catches up] They're totally guy!
Cartman:Kenny and Token.
Cartman:Kenny and Token, dude. They're so gay. Butters told me.
Kyle:You're lying.
Cartman:No dude. In those old abandoned buildings around Kenny's house, Kenny and Token turned it into a big ninja clubhouse. And they dress and play ninjas in it trying to scare people away.
Kyle:How is that gay?
Cartman:It's the gayest thing ever dude? Ninjas are fuckin' dumb! Dude, come one! We've gtta go see this!
Butters:Over this way! [they all go have a look]
[SoDoSoPa, later. Two nijas spring into view and go to two posts around the edge of the roof..]
Token:We will defend our ninja honor! [spotting something over a crossbow] Intruders! Protect the base! [the four bous come into view] Hey guys, did you come to see our ninja ofrtress?
Cartman:[in hushed tones] Oh my God they're so gay you guys.
Stan:You and Kenny built all this?
Token:Yeah, with Clyde and Davíd too. [Clyde swings into view while Davíd climbs up a rope.]
Clyde:You guys should come and check it out.
Cartman:Ah, no, we're good, thanks. [in hushed tones] Oh my God this is a sausage party!
Clyde:It's pretty cool, dude. People are scared of us.
Cartman:[sarcastically] Yeah, I'm sure they are. [a big truck stops in its tracks.]
Driver:Hey, excuse me, man, do you know where-? [Arabic music plays and the ninjas began showing off their moves.] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAH! Look! AAAAH!
Passenger:Go, go, go! [the truck takes off. The four boys look on in wonder, Cartman walks into the street. The truck reaches the end of the block and hangs a left, and disappears]
Cartman:That's pretty cool.
[Skeeter's Wine Bar, evening. Skeeter serves up some wine]
Gerald:Well the way I heard it was that the girl in the school wasn't even doing anything. Just talking too loud. And someone ends up getting shot.
Skeeter:Hey! Whattoo you want?!
Barkley:'Sokay, I'm off duty. Just came in for a nice pinot.
Patron:Yeah? Well go somewhere else, copper! ShiTpaTown is for people who care about each other!
Skeeter:We don't take kindly to folks who impose their authority on the underprivileged!
Barkley:Now look, not all cops are racist trigger-happy assholes.
Randy:Really? I'll bet you don't even know what "farm to table" means. [Barkley stands there a moment and then walks out, letting the door slam shut. Bar patrons cheer and holler at their success. Randy steps forward] Wow. We've only had a Whole Foods for a month and already we don't need cops. So cool. [smiles]
[SoDoSoPa, day. Token is giving a lesson.]
Token:It is a great honor to see that you all want to be ninjas. Joining our club is very serious. You must promise to uphold the warrior's code. [Butters and Cartman, Stan and Kyle are now dressed as ninjas]
Cartman:Totally dude, ninjas are sweet.
Token:Together we must strive to make our fortress super badass and keep all intruders out! To that end, let us proceed to our training.
Cartman:[catches up to a ninja] Dude, can I talk to you for a minute? Listen, I don't think we should let Kyle be a ninja, okay? He said ninjas were gay. He's probably gonna try and turn ir around on me, but that's 'cause Kyle knows I heard him.
Kyle:You're talking to Kyle right now.
Cartman:Yeah, cool... Ir's me, Butters.
Kyle:You're the one who said ninjas were gay. Why do you wanna make this a problem?
Cartman:I'm just, I'm just Butters, man. I have problems with lots of things.
Butters:Hey Eric, you wanna try sparring with me?
Cartman:Yes I do, Butters. [kicks him in the nuts and walks away]
Butters:OOF. Ow. Ahem.
Clyde:Intruders! [two homeless men approach the fortress with filled grocery bags]
Homeless Man 4:Yeah, it's right up here. We can shoot up in these abandoned buildings. [the ninjas, eight in all, appear before them and make a show of force. The men begin to confuse them for ISIS, drop their bags, and run away]
[A news break]
Anchor:The town of South Park is holding a large protest tonight outside of their police department. The townspeople say the protest is meant to begin a dialog about the relationship between law enforcement and the cirizens they are supposed to protect.
[A montage begins to "Fuck the Police." The protest is shown, with everyone giving the middle finger to the cops. Even Fr. Maxi gives them the finger. Yates and his men look down from their second-story windows. Next, Whole Foods is shown. A shopper spots Officer Stevens and throws his cart right at him. Stevens turns around to see what hit him. The shopper feigns shock, then shrugs his shoulders and turns and walks away. Other shoppers laugh at his prank. Next is (vernacular), where a couple sits al fresco. They watch as Stevens sees his police car, now vandalized with "I'M A DOUCHE." Next if Officer Barbrady at home with his aged dog. Next, Sgt. Yates reads the South Park times. Its lead headline: NO TO PIGS! YES TO FREE-RANGE PORK. Next, two officers drive down a street when theyy spot someone. It's Randy in his bathrobe, standing outside, He shows off his cock and balls as the officers roll by slowly. ShiTpaTown is shown. Barbrady drops into a fast-food restaurant to look for work. The staff there quickly kicks him out. Two homeless men approach SoDoSoPa only to flee when they see the ninja kids swarming the place. Barbrady returns to find an eviction notice taped to his door. Randy reaches Whole Foods for some shopping, but finds a homeless man in his way sleeping on the sidewalk. Then he looks at Whole Foods and sees the parking area filled with homeless people] ...HAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
[Channel 4 News segment.]
Anchor:Are your children being lured into terrorist organizations? A shocking report shows that some kids in the town of South Park are swearing loyalty to a murderous regime.
Cartman:Yeah, we're pretty badass, and um, this is, like, our fortress, and you can see it's really cool.
Reporter:And what about this way of life has attracted you?
Butters:We're just cool 'cause we're tough, and we fight and stuff, and we can ah-.
Cartman:Yeah yeah yeah, and it's like, we can do whatever we want, and people are scared of us, it's totally rad!
Stan:Then why'd you say it was gay before?
Cartman:Oh my God! I never said it was gay!
Token:Wait, he said this was gay?
Cartman:That is a total lie!! Why would I say anything homophobic about the way Tweek and Craig make love?! [points to Stan] He's a lying, backstabbing Jew!
Stan:I'm Stan.
Anchor:No doubt the growiing number of kids swearing loyalty to ISIS could be problematic for the progressive town.
[Whole Foods, day. Barbrady takes his place among the homeless, up against an exterior wall..]
Barbrady:[to his dog] Here you go, old girl. We'll just have to make do. [Randy exits the store with some groceries, but fails to notice Barbrady nearby]
Randy:Ew. [keeps walking]
Homeless Man 5:Spare a dollar?
Randy:No I don't I'm sorry thank you Goddamnit ew. [the Mayor and her aides survey the situation by Skeeter's Bar. Randy sees her and approaches] Mayor, I didn't bust my ass to gentrify this part of town to have it overrun with homeless people!
Mayor McDaniels:Why are they all suddenly coming here?
Gerald:[arrives with Sheila] Mayor, what are you going to do about this? My wife and I can barely eat or shop.
Mayor McDaniels:When a town like ours has a homeless problem it must look at the root of what's causing it.
Stephen:[arrives with Linda] It's ISIS!
Stephen:They're these troubled kids who've turned their backs on America! They've taken over SoDoSoPa, forced all the homeless out!
Gerald:Why would kids in our town wanna be a part of that??
Stephen:They're just bad kids! Rotten on the inside! Probably with shitty parents!
[Jimmy's house. His parents are at the breakfast nook with him.]
Ryan:Son, I've always tried to be a fair dad. Eh I I don't want to meh make you angry, but... why?
Jimmy:Well Dad, I just re-really like being a part of something. I feel like it's character-building and it's lots of fun.
Ryan:Fun? But what do you... believe in?
Jimmy:What do we believe in? We believe in something greater than ourselves, and that by following our strict warrior code we believe that our faiths and our traditions are a way to a greater path - the p-p-p-path of the warrior. And as long as we stay united in honor we can defeat all our enemires. [this is beginning to freak Ryan out, so he screams and leaves the table as fast as he can.] Wow, the fallas were right. People are really freaked out by ninjas.
[Park County Police Station, day. Randy leads the city council to police headquarters on the second floor]
Randy:Okay, we've just gotta be really apologetic and tell them we didn't mean it, okay?
Gerald:Jeez, this is so embarrassing.
Mayor McDaniels:What if they won't help us with the homeless?
Stephen:I'm pretty sure the police will help out if it's because ISIS is taking over the town. [opens the double doors and laads the council in]
[Park County Holice Headquarters. The officers inside are all dancing slowly, gracefully, The city coundil is stunned]
Stephen:Officers, there's kids in town who have joined ISIS. We don't know who they are, but they-.
Sgt. Yates:What? What's that, you say>
Mayor McDaniels:The town is in danger, alright? We don't know what these kids are capable of.
Sgt. Yates:Jeez, I'm sorry. We've got to work on our koholo kaloa, and get the lomi lomi chicken ready for the big ho'olao le'ao, which leaves us... oh, not enough time to deal with ISIS.
Randy:Alright, look. There's homeless people all over our gentrified food and arts district. If you don't stop thewe twisted kids, then-
Sgt. Yates:Hey, who was it that said "fuck the police"? Was that Ice Cube? Tupac? Oh, riiight, that was you guys! Sorry, but I guess you'll have to find somebody else to do all the difficult dirty shit you don't want to do yourselves. I've gotta be ready for the luau. I might even kiss a dude.
[Back at SoDoSoPa, the ninjas are going through exercises. Cartman and Butters talk]
Cartman:So then, after you told me, we went over to Kyle and Stan when they were playing basketball, remember?
Cartman:And we said Kenny and Token were playing ninjas, and Kyle said that ninjas were gay, and I said ninjas are gay, but it was a question. You remember?
Butters:Uh I thought you said it first.
Cartman:No nonono, see? Now Kyle got everyone remembering it wrong because he doesn't wanna get kicked out of the group. That's what Jews do when they get caught in a lie. You cannot trust a Jewish ninja, Buttters.
Token:You guys! You guys!
Token:Actual. Ninjas. Wanna talk to us.
Token:Kenny and I both just got the ssame email from people overseas.
Cartman:Whoa, dude.
Stan:How's they found out who we were?
Cartman:They're funkin' ninjas, dude!
[At Bi the garage, a computer is set up for video conferencing. An ISIS leader appears on screen.]
ISIS Leader:So, you are the brave children who have commited to our cause. We are aware of what you are doing and we are very impressed.
Stan:Cool. Thanks, dude.
ISIS Leader:What you are doing is very important and we would like to help you however we can. We are going to be wiring you some money.
Butters:Whooaa, cooool! Why, this is the greatest thing ever you guys!
Cartman:Ah, ecuse me. Can I just set the record straight on something?
ISIS Leader:Of course.
Cartman:Should Jews be trusted? [no response. A few seconds later...] Uh I mean, if one of us is a Jew, do you see that as being at all problematic?
ISIS Leader:Extremely.
Cartman:YEEES! [dances away] YEEES! ["Can't Touch This" begins to play and Cartman does arm waves.] Oh--oh, oh--oh! Oh--oh, oh--oh! What did I tell you guys?
[Whole Foods, night. A closeup of Barbrady snoozing]
Randy:[his shadow falls upon ex-Officer Barbrady] Hey Barbrady. [tries to wake him up] Officer Barbrady.
Barbrady:Uh, who?
Randy:Hey buddy. [flanking him are the Mayor and her aides, and the Stotches]
Barbrady:What do you want?
Johnson:How would you like to be a policeman again?
Barbrady:I'm no good as a policeman. I'm a bumbling old fool.
Stephen:That is not true! Who said that?! Look, Barbrady, the fact is, the town needs you.
Barbrady:They need me? To do what?
Randy:We need you to shoot some kids. [smiles]
Barbrady:Nnoo! Shoot kids?! I don't wanna shoot kids!
Randy:Shh! Shhh! Shhhh! These are really bad kids. Terrorists. This is totally different from before.
Barbrady:Noo. No. Are any of them minorities?
Aide:A couple of them, we think. Yeah.
Barbrady:Noo no no no no no no no no!
Mayor McDaniels:Sh, look, look look, Barbrady, Barbrady! We were wrong about you. I... was wrong about you. You... protected this town back before anybody else ever did. You used to do it all on your own. We need you to do that again. [takes out his sunglasses from her inside coat pocket and hands them to him. He puts them on and his sadness disappears]
Randy:You're the only cop this town needs, Barbrady. Go shoot those kids.
[SoDoSoPa, night. The ninjas are still going through exercises, but inside the abandoned Savor The Goodness store. Something is tanding next to the pumching bags]
Cartman:You guys, I know this is hard for all of us. But to truly be ninjas, we must face hard facts. Last night I spoke in private with our ninja leader overseas. We talked a long time about Jews and the Hebrew faith. He told me a lot I didn't know. And I was able to tell him some things he did not know. But after talking with that guy, it is abundantly clear to me that Jews cannot be ninjas. I went to Kyle's house to talk to him about it, and I found this. [pulls out a drawing of two ninjas, one of them having anal sex with the other one] It was then that Kyle confessed to me about how he had brainwahsed Butters and Stan into thinking I had used a homophobic slur to refer to our organization. And he almost got away with it. That's when Kyle tried to kill me. Luckily I was the faster ninja. [reveals the, uh, guilty ninja, who's strapped into a chair and his ninja head covering is duck-taped over his face] Kyle knew I would never call ninjas gay. When I take the gag off, he's going to try and tell you that I'm lying now. Do not believe him. Kyle is a liar.
Kyle:I'm right here. [standing between Token and Stan]
Cartman:[looks at the group, then at the bound ninja] Who, who is this?
Stan:That's Clyde.
Cartman:...and I am Token. Why do I do these things, you ask? Black rage.
[Some moments later, Barbrady, now in uniform, makes it to SoDoSoPa and begins looking around. He drops down behind the vandalized station wagon.]
Barbrady:Oh Jesus. ISIS, oh God.
[The Marsh house, dinner time. The Marshes are at dinner, ecept for Stan]
Grandpa:This chicken tastes like shit. What'd you do to it?
Randy:Okay, okay Dad, it's not organic chicken. I'm not confortable shopping at Whole Foods with all the homeless people there. But don't worry. That's all about to change. Soon we'll all have ShiTpaTown to enjoy again. Where's Stan?
Sharon:He's playing ninjas over at Kenny's house.
Randy:Ninjas? That's gay. [remembers the ISIS warriors who took over SoDoSoPa] He's playing ninjas at Kenny's house?
Randy:You mean, SoDoSoPa?
Sharon:Uh huh.
Randy:[begins to think this over] Wait a minute... Ninjas... [Oriental and Arrabic music alternate in his head] ...scary... gay... Scary. Gay. Scary gay scary gay.
Sharon:Randy, what are you doing?
Randy:Scary gay scary gay scary GAY. [runs out of the dining room] Staaaan!! [Shelley looks back at him]
[SoDoSoPa, night. The other ninjas replace Clyde with Cartman on the chair and tie him up.]
Cartman:Oh, I get the misunderstanding now. No, see, I told Clyde that Kyle said ninjas were gay, bug Clyde thought I was Kyle, so then he was saying that I said ninjas were gay, meaning I as in Kyle.
Kyle:Nobody ever gave a shit, you fat pig!
Token:All those in favor of Cartman being kicked out of our ninja club?
Token:No! You CAN'T kick me out! I have to be a ninja! They hate Jews. I was made for this, you guys! Please!
Stan:What shall we do with him? [Barbrady climbs over a wall and quickly reaches the ninjas]
Barbrady:[draws his gun] Freeze! [the ninjas turn around]
Kyle:Oh shit!
Barbrady:[trembling in fear] Please, I don't wanna shoot you. [the ninjas back away] Look, I, ....Aaahaah
Ninjas:Aaahaah. [Cartman shuts his eyes and faces left]
Barbrady:I understand you feeling angry at this town. I'm getting pretty angry too. But we can't give up on it. Please boys, don't make it end violently.
Randy:[finds the ninjas and Barbrady] They're just stupid ninjas! [tackles Barbrady, who instinctively fires off a shot. Davíd is struck.]
[City Hall, day. The Mayor, Randy, and the city council face Barbrady/]
Mayor McDaniels:What were you thinking?! Boys innocently playing ninja and you pull your gun on them?!
Aide:Davíd Rodriguez was lucky to live!
Barbrady:Everybody told me they were terrorists.
Mayor McDaniels:We thought they were. But if it turns out they aren't, as a policeman, you have to figure that out!
Barbrady:But, you said you needed me to kill some kids.
Randy:Oh, he's gonna lay this on us now. I said kill some kids, but I said it as a question, remember? I said "Kill some kids?"
Mayor McDaniels:I'm sorry, but we just can't cover your ass on this one. There's going to be an investigation and ... you just don't have what it takes to be a policeman in today's times.
Johnson:Do you even know what "farm to table" means? [Barbrady takes off his glasses and lays them on the table.]
[Whole Foods, day. The South Park Police Department is back on duty and taking the homeless away from ShiTpaTown]
Barkley:Let's go people, you can't stay here. Hou are being relocated.
Homeless Man 6:Hey, you can't kick us out of here, man.
Sgt. Yates:Oh no? I'm a cop.
Randy:Thank you, officers.
Sgt. Yates:We've got a deal, right?
Mayor McDaniels:Yes. [she and Randy turn away and ]
Sgt. Yates:Alright you, come on! [punches the homeless man in the face. Other officers take time to abuse the homeless people a little. One officer kicks a homeless man in the balls twice while another officer holds him, then the two officers take him away. A street sweeper rolls by collecting all the homeless who are still sleeping on the street, and even a few who are walking around]
Homeless Man 6:Aaaah!
Homeless Man 7:[being led away by an officer] Please! You can't take me back to SoDoSoPa! ISIS is there!
Officer 2:No, those were just ninjas. [they walk past the boys - Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny]
Homeless Man 7:Ninjas? Oh, that's so gay.
Cartman:I told you guys. What did I tell you? I said ninjas are fuckin' gay but you didn't wanna listen, nooo!
[An interrogation room. Barbrady sits at a table with his dog to his left. A door opens and Barbrady looks up. An agent walks in with a folder, sits down, and sets the folder on the table]
Agent:Officer Barbrady.
Agent:We've been watching you. And what we see is a man who truly wants to protect his town.
Barbrady:You do?
Agent:You've been in this town longer than almost anyone. Have you noticed... changes... lately?
Barbrady:Yeah, a lot of changes.
Agent:They aren't a coincidence, officer. They are all part of a plan to take down your beloved town and everyone in it.
Agent:What do you know about a little girl named... [takes out a picture and shows it to Barbrady] Leslie? [with PC Principal pushing her on the swing]
[End of Naughty Ninjas.]