Timmy
Nathan
Mimsy
Jimbo Kern
Stephen and Linda Stotch
Stuart and Mrs. McCormick
Randy and Sharon Marsh
Gerald and Sheila Broflovski
Nathan's Parents
SP Taxi drivers: Russian, Arab, American
SP Cabbie
Seven Handicar Drivers
Announcers
BBC Anchor, CNN Anchor
Dick Dastardly and Muttley
Elon Musk and four of his executives
Food 4 Little Manager
Matthew McConaughey
Older and Younger Man
Passenger
Three Reporters
Hummer Salesman Mr. Stevenson
Shoppers
Counselor Steve
Two Women
| [The Bijou, night. A movie has neded, probably "Gone Girl," and moviegoers are now going home. Among them are Gerald and Sheila Broflovski, Stephen and Linda Stotch, and Bob and Linda Black.] | |
| Stephen: | [with phone in hand] Well that was a lot of fun. Thanks for inviting us, guys. |
| Sheila: | Sure. You bet. |
| Gerald: | Are you guys parked over here? |
| Stephen: | Oh nonono, we took a Handicar. It was easier that way. |
| Gerald: | A Handicar? What's that? |
| Linda: | You don't use Handicar? |
| Stephen: | No, see, you just get the Handicar app. It uses GPS to locate wher you are, and the Handicar comes and picks you up. |
| Gerald: | Wow... |
| Stephen: | Yeah, and it's cheaper than a taxi. I'm telling you, it's the future of transportation. Oh, here it comes. [sees Linda talking to the Blacks] Honey, our Handicar is here. [Linda waves goodbye to the Blacks and she joins Stephen in the Handicar, driven by Timmy.] Have fun drivin' home. I'll be realxing on my iPad. [The Handicar is a wheelchair with a Lil Zipper attached. The Lil Zipper is equipped with a table setting for two, including a candle and flower in vase.] |
| Gerald: | Lucky. |
| Timmy: | Timmy. [pulls away] |
| Stephen: | Download the app! It works great! [Gerald whips out his phone and goes looking for the app. He finds it and downloads it.] |
| [South Park, day. A cab goes down the street. A Russian driver is shown with his passenger] | |
| Passenger: | Ahh, [pinches his nose] excuse me, I think someone puked back here. [pinches his nose again] |
| Russian: | You don't like puke? |
| Passenger: | Could you turn the radio down and the air conditioning up, please? |
| Russian: | No air conditioning. Too expensive. [the light turns red and the driver brakes hard, cuasing the passenger to hit his head on the back of the front seat.] |
| Passenger: | Agh! |
| Russian: | Not enough people taking cab. Don't know what's wrong! |
| Timmy: | Timmihh! [both driver and passenger look to the right. Timmy drives by in his wheelchair towing a man in his Lil Zipper, which is equipped with a table, tablecloth, candle, and two chairs. The man is sipping wine.] |
| Russian: | What the fuck? |
| [The Hummer car dealership, day. Mr. Stevenson is on the sidewalk trying to drum up some business.] | |
| Mr. Stevenson: | We've got a big sales event going on, folks. [sees two men across the street] Hey guys. Can I get you in a 2014 Hummer? Rocktober sales event, guys. |
| Younger Man: | No thanks. |
| Mr. Stevenson: | [plays some air guitar] Only a few more guitar licks left in Rocktober, guys. |
| Older Man: | We're good. Shut up! <[Timmy pulls up] |
| Younger Man: | Oh, here's our Handicar. |
| Timmy: | Timmy. [he stops, and the men get in.] |
| Mr. Stevenson: | The fuck? |
| [A meeting room, day. Three counselors stand before a group of handicapped kids. Among them are Jimmy, Frances, and Timmy. Counselor Steve begins to speak] | |
| Steve: | All right, kids, you know what time of year this is? [the handicapped kids cheer] That's right, it's autumn! And that means our fundraising for next year's summer camp is in full gear. Is everyone psyched for next year's summer camp? |
| All: | Yeeaahhh! |
| Steve: | So far, Jimmy has raised $16! |
| All: | Yeeaahhh! |
| Steve: | Francis has raised $29.32 [the kids cheer] And Timmy has raised $2,063.00! |
| Timmy: | Timmy! [the other kids cheer] |
| Steve: | All right, if you guys keep this up, we'll raise the money for summer camp in no time! [the kids cheer. Off to the side, in the open doorway, are Nathan and Mimsy.] |
| Nathan: | [turns around. Mimsy does too.] I won't do it, Mimsy. I won't spend another summer at that stupid camp. |
| Mimsy: | D'awww, we don't like camp, boss? |
| Nathan: | We hate camp, Mimsy. The singing, the competitions, Jimmy Valmer getting all the chicks. |
| Mimsy: | D'oh yeah and don't forget last year at sumemr camp, you got raped by a shark. [laughs. Nathan jumps in the air and smacks Mimsy on the right cheek with his left hand] |
| Nathan: | Shup up, Mimsyyyy! I'm not gonna spend my summer trapped at that camp with these punch-happy assholes. We gotta find a way to put Handicar out of business, and fast. |
| Mimsy: | D'ah oh boy! We're gonna wreck Timmy's busines, huh boss? |
| Nathan: | Shh-shh. [the counselor reaches them] |
| Steve: | Hey boys, are you excited for camp next year? |
| Nathan: | Yes, Counselor Steve. We like the tug-of-waaarr. |
| Steve: | All right. Well, just keep working on those donations. [leaves] |
| Nathan: | Come on, Mimsy, we gotta figure out how we're gonna make Handicar a thing of the past. |
| Mimsy: | D'oh boy! |
| [Park County Community Center, night. The parking lot is full of cabs. Inside are three SP Taxi drivers, an SP Cabbie, and Mr. Stevenson] | |
| SP Cabbie: | [wears an SP Cab hat] We are united as brothers, because jast as Handicar has taken away jobs from honest, hard-working caab drivers, it's also taken food [slams his fist on the podium] from the mouths of the children of car salesmen! |
| Mr. Stevenson: | Well I don't have any children. |
| Russian: | Who does this handicapped boy think he is?! He's not even in union! |
| Arab: | He's taking all our business because people find it more coomvenient. |
| SP Cabbie: | Aaand, because he's handicapped, he can use special access points and parking spaces. That kid was born with an unfair advantage! |
| Arab: | Who is this rat?! |
| Nathan: | His name is Timmy Burch. [the adults turn to look at him] And if you don't do something quick, you're all gonna be out of work for good. |
| American: | Who are you?! |
| Nathan: | Just someone who doesn't like to see hard workers like yourslves lose their jobs. That's all. |
| Russian: | Nobody takes jobs away from US! We need to speak to Mayor and tell her to shut down this illegitimate business! |
| Arab: | Or maybe we can have the police shut him down! |
| Mimsy: | Hey I got an idea! Why don't you guys just make your cars cleaner and nicer, and try to be better to your customers so that you can compete with Handicar's popularity in the marketplace? |
| Nathan: | Just ignore my friend. He's mentally disabled. |
| Mimsy: | Aw yeah, don't mind me. |
| Nathan: | Now listen, everybody. If you're a sheepherder, and there's a snake taking away your sheep, what do you do to the snake? |
| Mr. Stevenson: | Offet it Christmas in Rocksummer prices? |
| Nathan: | No, you fucking moron! You kill... the snake! [the drivers look at each other] |
| [Timmy's room, night. He's fast asleep when several shadoes pop up outside his window. Turns out to be the SP cabbie, followed by the Russian and Arab cabbies.] | |
| SP Cabbie: | Hey wake up, you little scab! |
| Timmy: | [waking up] Tutih Tuh-Timmih? |
| SP Cabbie: | We got a message for ya! From the union. [holds up a bat. The three cab drivers begin beating Timmy with baseball bats] |
| [South Park, next day, daytime. Nathan and Mimsy walk along a sidewalk] | |
| Nathan: | Just imagine it, Mimsy. The whole summer to ourselves to do what we want. It's going to be awesome. [The curb has a line of cabs on it, and they come across the cabbies who visited Timmy the night before.] Well well, hello gentlemen. I understand you've tkaen care of our little problem? |
| SP Cabbie: | Yeah, we sure did! |
| Russian: | Let's just say he'll be laid up a while. |
| SP Cabbie: | Yeah. We snuck in his room last night and we... broke his legs! |
| Nathan: | Oh boy, that's great-wait, you what?? |
| Timmy: | Timmy! [drives by, seemingly unharmed] |
| Randy: | [taking a ride in the Handicar] I am Lorde. Lawdy Lawdy Lorde. |
| Russian: | But we broke his legs. Both of them. |
| Nathan: | Let me give you guys a hot news flash: If you want to hurt a crippled kid, you don't break his FUCKING LEGS!! [at the park sometime later] How can people be so ineffectual, Mimsy? |
| Mimsy: | D'uh I don't know, boss. |
| Nathan: | These are supposed to be men who care about their occupations. |
| Mimsy: | D'uh maybe if they're that incompetent we shouldn't be tryin' to save their jobs. Maybe Handicar is a kind of economic natural selection, where the more diligent workers are weeking out the useless ones. Drrrrr. |
| Nathan: | [smacks him again] Shut up, Mimsyyyy! |
| [In another part of town, Timmy is driving a woman home] | |
| Woman 1: | Right here is good. [gets off at her house] Thank you. I can just use the app to tip you, right? |
| Timmy: | Timmy! |
| Woman 1: | Ohohh, this is so handy! [goes to the front door] Thank you! |
| Timmy: | Timmy. [gets a new call from an unknown caller and asnwers it] Tiiimmih Timmih. |
| Nathan: | Hey Timmy, it's your friend from camp, Nathan. |
| Timmy: | Timmih! |
| Nathan: | Listen, you can't possibly handle all this business you're getting. Admit it. You've got more customers than you can handle. |
| Timmy: | [sighs] Timmih. |
| Nathan: | I've got an amazing idea. Why don't you let other people drive Handicars too? Think of all the money you could raise for camp if you expand your business. |
| Timmy: | Hmmm, Timmih. |
| Nathan: | I'm sure you could find a lot of interested drivers. |
| Timmy: | [smiles] Timmy! [grins. He likes the idea] |
| Nathan: | That's great. Summer camp, here we come. [hangs up] Now kiss your business goodbye, asshole! [next scene, Nathan is now in a wheelchair as a new Handicar driver] |
| Mimsy: | D'ah I don't get it boss. I thought you hated Handicar. How come now you wanna work for 'em? |
| Nathan: | It's very simple, Mimsy. I'm gonna take down Handicar by being an employee who sexually harasses the passengers. |
| Mimsy: | D'ahhh, sexual harassment, boss? |
| Nathan: | It's simple. If you're a sheepherder and a snake is killing your sheep, you just need to have the snake get sued for sexual misconduct. Now, you find me a female passenger on that app and leave the rest to me. |
| Mimsy: | D'ah oh boy! |
| [Later, Nathan goes on his first drive as a Handicar driver. His phone indicates that he has a passenger waiting for a pick up close by] | |
| Nathan: | [arrives] Timmy. Hello ma'am. Handicar at your service. Climb on in. [she gets in withoutu saying a word] So, let me ask you a question. Would you likek to see my dick? |
| Woman 2: | [a transvestite] Sure. Would you like to see mine? |
| Nathan: | Oh oh! [nearby, in the mens restroom at the park, Nathan is getting pounded with some funny sound effects] Mimsy! Hel- help, Mimsy! [Mimsy approaches, but stays outside. The passenger exits the restroom and walks away. Nathan waddles out] And I thought a shark was bad. [cartoon flourish at the end] |
| [The Broflovski house, evening. Gerald and Sheila exit and lock the door] | |
| Gerald: | Come on, honey. It says our Handicar is just pulling up. |
| Stephen: | Timmy! Oh hi, Gerald, Sheila. |
| Gerald: | Stephen, what are you doing? |
| Stephen: | You didn't know? Anyone can be a Handicar driver now. All you have to do is get your own wheelchair and you can earn a Handicap. I've had my Handicap for about three days now. Get on in. [Gerald and Sheila get in, and Stephen pulls away.] I'm telling you Gerald, havin' a Handicar is a grat way to make some money on the side. [other Handicar drivers begin to appear] |
| HC Driver 1: | Timmy! |
| Stephen: | Timmy! |
| HC Driver 2: | [a woman] Timmy! |
| Stephen: | The world of transportation is really changing, Gerald. |
| Mimsy: | [standing at a street corner with Nathan] D'aww gee, your idea to have Handicar expand really worked, boss. |
| HC Driver 3: | [getting too close to the curb] 'Scuse me, out of my way, please. I have a Handicap. [drives off] |
| Nathan: | I had a handicap way before you got paid to have one! |
| Mimsy: | D'ahhh, you sound like that Matthew McConaughey guy. "Ah I drove a Lincoln before I got paid to drive one. Drrrr." [Nathan smacks him again] |
| Nathan: | Shut up Mimsyyy! |
| [Tesla demonstration] | |
| Announcer: | [female] For the pat eight years Tesla has been the leading innovator in the world of automotive transport. And now the President and CEO of Tesla Motorcars, Elon Musk. [a robotic arm reaches out and grabs a platform behind one of the cars, and Elon Musk is on the platform. The arm sets him down at the foot of the stage as cameas flash away] |
| Elon Musk: | Today I am proud to annouce the Tesla D, the most innovative and efficient world-friendly mode of transportation ever created. Any questions? |
| Reporter 1: | Yes, ahh, what about Handicar? |
| Elon Musk: | What about it?! |
| Reporter 2: | Well all over the country prople are realzing that using an app to ride-share is even more convenient and eco-friendly than electric cars. |
| Reporter 3: | How do you intend to compete with this boy genius in Colorado? [Elon Musk is not happy] |
| [Tesla Headquarters. day. An issue of of Tech Today is dropped onto a table next to a Tesla cup of coffee.] | |
| Elon Musk: | I am so sick of hearing about app-based ride-sharing! The future of transportation is the electric cars, not wheelchairs! |
| Exec. 1: | Don't worry, Elon. Handicar is just a small company. |
| Exec. 2: | Oh sure, operating in a few small towns, but when they start absorbing the taxi markets, bringing taxi sservice to any part of the world, driving your kids to and from school, delivering both people and things? |
| Exec. 3: | We can't compete with Handicar! It's just so damned handy! |
| Elon Musk: | If there is a way to reduce Handicar's positive publicity, then we need to do it now! [walks to the table and plants his hands on it] And you! You say it's theoretically possible? |
| Nathan: | Of course. It's very simple. If you're a sheepherder, and a snake is killing all your sheep, how do you get rid of the snake? |
| Elon Musk: | Who's the sheepherder? |
| Nathan: | You are. |
| Exec. 4: | Who's the snake? |
| Nathan: | Handicar. [a few seconds of silence follow] |
| Mimsy: | D'ah, it's an analogy. |
| Nathan: | [smacks Mimsy] Shut up Mimsyyy! [to Elom Musk] If you're a sheepherder, and a snake is killing your sheep, all you have to do is prove to the sheep that the snake is a completely inferior entity. [the Tesla execs look around at each other] |
| [South Park, day. Timmy is driving around town with a male passenger on his iPad.] | |
| HC Driver 4: | [going the other way on the street] Timmy! |
| Timmy: | Timmy! [stops at an intersection. A Tesla car speeds up next to him. The passenger window comes down and Nathan looks at him] |
| Nathan: | Hey Timmy. How is the fundraising for camp going? |
| Timmy: | Timmih! [holds his right thumb up] |
| Nathan: | [looks ahead] That's great. I can't wait for camp this year. [looks at Timmy again] We are doing some fundraising too. Have you heard of my friend Elon Musk from Tesla? |
| Elon Musk: | Good day to you! |
| Timmy: | Timmih! |
| Nathan: | Hey, how would you like to have a friendly little race? It would be great publicity for your fundraising and for ours. |
| Mimsy: | [pops up] D'ah we're gonna get Timmy killed in the race, huh boss? |
| Elon Musk: | Shut up, Mimsy! [Mimsy reclines in his seat] |
| Nathan: | Whattaya say, Timmy? A friendly race this Saturday? We'll see you at 9am sharp. [the passenger window goes up, and they peel awat. The resulting wake almost blows the tablecloth off and Timmy's passenger almost losing his iPad keeping the tablecloth in place, At Skeeter's Bar and Coctails, a drunk patron walks out and a Handicar driver arrives to pick him up. He gets in, and they go away] |
| [Skeeter's Bar and Coctails, day, interior. Jimbo looks up at a TV monitor] | |
| Jimbo: | Hey everyone, you need to see this! [CNN Breaking News] |
| CNN Anchor: | [with glasses] What started as a simple contest is quickly escalating into an international crisis. As electronic cars challenge the oil industry, and transportation alternatives fight for dominance, the unavoidable outcome may be a conflict the likes the world has not seen since the '70s. It appears that the world is once again on the brink [takes off his glasses] of Wacky Races. |
| Randy: | Wacky Races?! Holy shit! |
| CNN Anchor: | The prime minister of Japan insisted that any race would break the Treaty of Salzburg, which called for a cease-fire to the Wacky Races for their senseless brutality. They also claim that if a race does take place, they would have no choice but to enter their completely self-driven prototype Lexus into the conflict. The Canadians and Chinese are also saying they would be forced to race, and no one yet has heard from Dick Dastardly or Muttley. Unless a miracle happens, this Saturday morning the world will witness the fist Wacky Races in nearly 50 years. |
| [Food 4 Little, day. Shoppers rush in and get all the cereal they can get] | |
| Shoppers: | Wacky Races oh God! Wacky Races oh my God! Oh my God Wacky Races oh my God! |
| Gerald: | Randy, they're bringin' back Wacky Races Saturday monring! |
| Randy: | I know! Are we watching at your house?! |
| Manager: | That's it, everyone! We're out of cereal! |
| Shoppers: | No! I didn't get any! That guy has two! [more clamoring] |
| Manager: | There's none left, don't you understand?! |
| [The park at South Park, day. All the Handicar drivers are assembled, and Stephen Stotch holds court.] | |
| Stephen: | Don't you see what they're doing? This is just another example of corporations trying to keep down people with handicaps! |
| HC Driver 5: | Don't do the race. You don't have to prove anything. [Timmy is shown, weary] |
| HC Driver 6: | He HAS to do it, don't you see? He has people that are depending on him to raise as much money as possible. There are hundreds of people with handicaps now. |
| Timmy: | Timmih... |
| HC Driver 7: | But isn't that the problem? I mean, let's face it, it's not like he's able to keep the driver quality up. Anyone can have a Handicap now. I mean, even Matthew McConaughey is a Handicar driver now, for Chrit's sake! |
| Matthew McConaughey: | Hey. [rolls up] I was drivin' a Handicar... way before I got paid to drive one. I just like how it feels. |
| Stephen: | Look, the point is that this is your opportunity to make Handicar- oops, sorry. [loses control of the wheelchair] Hold on, sorry, went too far. [comes back around] This is your opportunity to make Handicar thee transportation of thte future. Think what you could do with all that money. [Timmy begins to think over this] |
| [Wacky Races, Saturday monring. Each driver and car are shown as they are announced.] | |
| Announcer: | And here they are, the most daredevil group of shared-ride drivers ever to whirl their wheels in the Wacky Races, competing for the title of the future of transportation. Cars are apporoaching the starting line. First off is the Lyft car [a purple sedan with a huge pink mustache on the grill], a ride-sharing company out of San Francisco. next up is the ZipCar, a pay-by-the-hour concept based on Chinese bicycles. Maneuvering for position is the standard taxicab driven by an angry Russian. Right behind is the Hummer salesman in his 2014 Hummer No Class. And there's ingenious inventor Elon Musk in his new Tesla D. Oh, and here's the lovely Canadian actress Neve Campbell in the Canadian conept vehicle The Queef, powered completely on female natural gas. [she queefs to make it go faster] Next we have the Handicar with Timmy Burch. And there's the completely automated self-driving car from Japan. Limping along last are those double-dealing do-badders Dick Dasterdly and his sidekick Muttley. [Muttley snickers] And away they go on the way out Wacky Races. [a shot of thte adults gathered in the Broflovski living room, with milk and Franekn Berry and Kap'n Krunch cereaks on the coffee table] And this live coverage of the event will be braodcast all morning, of course, on CNN. |
| Stuart: | Jesus. It's begun. |
| Gerald: | God help them all. |
| Randy: | All I know is... if Dastardly and Muttley are up to their old tricks, there's gonna be a lot of violence today. |
| [BBC World] | |
| BBC Announcer: | You are watching BBC World. |
| BBC Anchor: | The vioent conflict over transport is underway, and it is even more senseless and vile than many remember. We return you now to our live coverage of.. the Wacky Races. |
| [Wacky Races, Saturday monring. The race is well underway across Colorado.] | |
| Annoucer: | As the Wacky Raccers roll down the roadway, we see that the taxicab in in the lead, with Handicar pulling up the rear. |
| Timmy: | [way in back] Timmih! |
| Announcer: | [a map shows up] All the cars must follow the same route. First they'll leave the town of South Park, then navigate through Giggling Gulch on the final stretch to pick up the passenger, a Miss Dotty Applegate. Once the passenger is picked up, the vehicle must successfully deliver her to the destination point at her daughter's house in Morrison. [back to the race] It looks like the ZipCar is trying to vie for position past the Hummer vehicle. It's neck and neck as the Wacky Racers all push to be first to pick up the passenger. [An elderly lady waits for her ride at a Thrift Or Less store] Miss Applegate is waiting patiently. [the racers are shown] And Elon Musk's Tesla appears to take the lead. |
| Nathan: | Slow down. I need Timmy to pick up the passenger before we do. |
| Elon Musk: | But I though we wanted Handicar to lose the race! |
| Nathan: | He can't just lose the race, he has to get sued and lose the whole business. That's why when he picks up the passemger, I've got a little surprise waiting for him. [he shows off a control pad] |
| Mimsy: | D'ah hey boss, it seems like every time you come up with a plan it kind of backfires on ya. If you really don't wanna go to summer camp so bad, why don't you just tell your parents how you feel? [Nathan and Elon just look at him] You know, tell 'em you don't wanna go and just see how they react. [they keep loooking at him, and he gets a clue] Wait wait, I got it. [smacks himself] Shut up, Mimsy! |
| Nathan: | Hey Mimsy. |
| Mimsy: | [leans forward] Yeah? |
| Nathan: | [smacks him] Shut up! [Mimsy sits back] |
| Announcer: | The Canadian car overtakes the self-driving car. And now here comes the ZipCar, which is being driven by Matthew McConaughey. |
| Matthew McConaughey: | [nice mood music in the car] I was drivin' a ZipCar... way before I got paid to drive one. |
| Announcer: | And look at this! The Lyft car is the first to arrive and pick up the passenger. [Mss Applegate gets into the back seat, and the Lyft driver takes off] Now the Lyft car must take the passenger to her destination, but look at this! The Hummer salesman is running the Lyft car off the road! And the Hummer salesman is taking the passenger to the car and he is gong to let her drive herself! |
| Mr. Stevenson: | [pitching the Hummer to her] You've got a fully automated sound system and your sunroof is operated right here. What do you think? Huh? Can you see yourself in one of these puppies? |
| Annoucner: | Elon Musk is using one of his kooky inventions to put the Hummer out of commission for good. [a cannon rises out of the Tesla and fires a shot at the Hummer. The missile hits the Hummer and blows it up.] |
| Gerald: | Wow. |
| Randy: | Geez! |
| Stuart: | God. |
| Randy: | Did you see that?! Oh! |
| Announcer: | The passenger is being taken to the Tesla D now. [Mr. Stevenson is dead, the Hummer is totaled. Musk escorts Miss Applegate, but the South Park taxi driver scoops her up] No way! She just got snatched by the pissed off Russian in his taxi. Miss Applegate is now in the back of the taxi and she's being forced to watch Jimmy Fallon. [Fallon is rubbing a giant pickle in his guest's face. Meanwhile, The Queef has stupped running] Uh oh, the Canadian car has completely run out of queefs. [Heve tries three times, but there are no more queefs in her] With the race neearly over, it's taxi out in front followed by self-driving car, and then pulling up in third is Handicar! |
| Timmy: | Timmih! |
| Announcer: | It's gonna be a close one! |
| Dick Dastardly: | Not too close, Boopsie! [Muttley snickers] |
| Announcer: | Oh no, Dick Dastardly is up to no-do-goodery again. |
| Randy: | Ohh! Ohh! Duuude! [Dick Dastardly saws a tree in two, and the tree falls on the taxi, destroying it and the self-driving car that runs into the taxi. The adults in the Broflovki living react to this] |
| Gerald: | Oh no! Ohh! |
| Sharon: | Oh no, I can't watch! [shields her face.] |
| Randy: | Oooo! Booom! |
| Mrs. McCormick: | Ohohohh! |
| Stuart: | Nice! Oh yeah! [Sheila just hides her eyes] |
| Announcer: | And there's Handicar to pick Miss Applegate up. [she climbs in and the Tesla is pulling up fast] |
| Nathan: | That's it! Handicar has the passenger! We're almost in range! Another hundred feet! [sees a bunch of cars closing in on him on his phone] Wait a minute. What the hell are all those cars? [lowers his window] Holy shit! [sees a fleet of Handicar drivers coming at the Tesla] |
| HC drivers: | Timmy! Timmy! [the drivers just bunch up on the Tesla and push it over on its side] |
| Elon Musk: | Aaaaaah! |
| HC drivers: | Timmy! |
| Announcer: | We're near the finish line; the race is almost over. Handicar is in the lead, still way out in front of the ZipCar driven by Matthew McConaughey. [a shot of Matthew listening to his mood music] |
| Matthew McConaughey: | Sometimes you gotta go forward by goin' backward. Are we drivin' cars or are cars... drivin' us? |
| Announcer: | Dastardly car is racing past both. [Nathan and Mimsy hijacked it. Mimsy is driving] This could be an upset, folks. [Mimsy makes a U-turn and parks the Dastardly car off the road. He and Nathan get out] |
| Timmy: | Timmih! |
| Nathan: | Goodnight, you son of a bitch! [the ZipCar reaches them and Nathan presses the detonator on his control pad. The ZipCar blows up. Mimsy and Nathan take notice] Mimsy! I told you to put the explosives under Timmy's seat! |
| Mimsy: | D'ahh you told me to put the explosives under the seat of that fake soft-spoken douchebag that everyone loves! |
| Nathan: | Not that fake soft-spoken douchebag that everyone loves! [secondary explosions create a portal above Matthew McConaughey, and he's sucked in] |
| Announcer: | Oh my, it appears that an explosion has opend up a wormhole with Matthew McConaughey inside. |
| Matthew McConaughey: | Mimsy! [the car levitates a bit, but as soon as the wormhole is gone, it falls back on the road] |
| Announcer: | And there's the finish. It looks like Handicar has done it! |
| Timmy: | Timmih! [the handicapped kids all cheer] |
| [The meeting room, day. Steve gives Timmy a ribbon] | |
| Steve: | A big congratulations to our fundraising champion! After selling the Handicar rights to Elon Musk, Timmy has raised 2.3 billion dollars for summer camp. [the kids cheer] Great job to all of you. This is sure to be the best summer camp ever! [more cheering] |
| [Nathan's house, night.] | |
| Nathan's Mom: | All set for bed, honey? |
| Nathan: | Yeah I like to sleep at nighttime. |
| Nathan's Mom: | All right, goodnight. [kisses him on the temple and heads for the door] |
| Nathan: | Wait! [she stops] Wait, Mom? Can we talk? |
| Nathan's Mom: | Um... yes, o-of course. [sits down on his bed] |
| Nathan: | This is very difficult, Mom. But um... You know how every year I go to summer camp? Well, I hate it. I hate it and I don't want to go anymore. |
| Nathan's Mom: | I'm sorry, I can't understand you honey. You're handicapped. |
| Nathan: | What's to understand? I'm telling you I don't want to that stupid camp anymore! |
| Nathan's Mom: | You want water? Is that what you want? |
| Nathan: | No! I don't wanna go to camp! |
| Nathan's Mom: | Ohhh yes, okay honey, I'll turn off the lamp. [gets up, turns it off, and walks out, closing the door behind her] |
| Nathan: | No! That's not what I fucking said! [stumbles around in his room] Goddamnit, now I can't even see! Ow! |
| [Outside Nathan's room] | |
| Nathan's Dad: | What's he saying? |
| Nathan's Mom: | That he doesn't wanna go to summer camp this year, but I'll be damned if he's gonna ruin our Italy trip. |
| Nathan's Dad: | Right. |
| Nathan: | [still stumbling in his room] Oh! Aah! Mimsy! |
| [End of Handicar.] |