Stan
Kyle
Cartman
Butters
Kenny
Jimmy
Randy, Sharon, and Shelley Marsh
Capt. Yates and officers
Mr. Garrison
Mr. Mackey
Ben and girlfriend
Fillmore and friend
Three Ghosts (Emily, her husband, and a Blockbuster employee)
The Red Box Killers (four robbers)
Boys
Family
A Banana
Various Townsfolk
| [The Marsh house, day. Sharon is carving a pumpkin at the dining room table, Shelley and Stan work on making the pie filling. Randy enters the house with gifts.] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | [excitedly] Hellooo family! [closes the door] Who wants champagne? [puts the gifts on the sofa] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sharon: | [meeting him at the sofa] Randy, what is all this? [Stan and Shelley follow] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | It's finally happened, Sharon! [makes to fists and draws them to his chest] I did it! [raises his fists up and lowers them quickly, then opens the gifts. He gives the first one to Sharon] Here you are, my lady. A brand new leather coat, pour vous. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sharon: | [happily] Oho, Randy, it's beautiful! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | [proudly] And soem gifts for the kids too. After all, we're rich now. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | [gets his gift] We're rich? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Shelley: | [gets her gift] Finally. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sharon: | Randy, are you beiing serious? [smiles] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | I just wanted to wait until the deal was all finished. We are going into business for ourselves! You are all looking at the new owner of Blockbuser Video! [Sharon frowns] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | [somewhat confused] Blockbuster Video? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | Last week, I saw it was up for sale. On a fluke I asked how much. $10,000! Can you believe it?! We have the entire business! And we can watch movies whenever we want! Come on, you guys wanna see it?? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [On the road, day, under some ominous clouds. Randy drives him family out of town] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | You're gonna love it, Sharon. It is in pristine condition. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sharon: | I just wish you'd have talked to me before spendingn all our money. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | Sharon, it was $10,000 for the entire place! It wasn't gonna last! Don't worry, we'll make the money back in a week. Guaranteed. You excited, Stan? | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Stan: | Huh? Sorry, I'm watching a movie on my iPad. [they reach their destination and exit the car, and have a look at the place] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | Well? There she is. [a building in the middle of a parking lot, looking nice, but silent.] It's a new beginning for us! [takes out the key to the building and goes to the front doors to pen thte store up. The others follow.] | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Shelley: | [staying by the car] I don't wanna go in there. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | Shelley come on! | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [Blockbuster Video. The store is dark. A mouse runs past as the camera pans from left to right. Randy opens the door and they all enter. Randy flips on the switches.] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Randy: | Can you believe it? Completely turnkey! [walks towards the shelves while his family stays by the front doors.] Yo got your sci-fi, comedies, buddy flicks, chick flicks, all on Blu-ray or DVD! [returns] Well, what do you think?
| Stan: | It's awesome. You should try to get it on that Ancient Civilizations show so that people can see how cultures used to live.
| Randy: | Oh hahahaha, I get it. Blockbuster is so out of date it's ancient. Haha Sharon, okay I get it.
| Stan: | I didn't say anything.
| Randy: | You were thinking it. But you're wrong. The average person still wants to rent movies they can hold in their hands. We're gonna have customers up our ass Sharon, UP OUR ASS.
| FRIDAY
| [Randy waits behiind the counter for his first customer. Sharon is reading a book, Stan is watching something on his iPad, and Shelley is sorting the DVDs out.]
| Randy: | How many uh, how many copies of Meet The Fockers do we have in stock, Shelley?
| Shelley: | Six. [picks up another DVD from a stack] We still, have, SIX. [turns and puts it on a shelf with more copies of the DVD]
| Randy: | Okay good, that's... that should that should be good... Shelley.
| SATURDAY
| [There's still no business at the store. A red rubber ball bounces towards the front door]
| Boy: | Go get it, Fillmore! [the boys are on a low cliff across the street.]
| Fillmore: | No way, I ain't goin' nere that place. Yeeeyou go get it. [they panic as the front door opens. Randy picks up the ball and sees them]
| Randy: | Hey, you kids lookin' to rent some DVDs?
| Boy: | What's he talkin' about rentin' a divadee?
| Randy: | [annoyed] Oh I get it. Blockbuster's so old it's creepy! Haha! Nobody rents movies anymore! [raises his arms as if to grab something] People just don't know we're open yet!
| Fillmore and friend: | AAAAAH! [turn right and run off]
| Randy: | [throws theh ball back across the street.] Little fucking pricks. [goes back inside and closes the door.]
| TUESDAY
| [Randy walks through the store until he passes an aisle with a woman in it, then steps back and approaches her]
| Randy: | Hello, welcome to Blockbuster! [the shopper looks through the TV series boxed sets] Can I help you find something?
| Shopper: | I can't find... [turns her head to face Randy] Turner & Hooch. [turns back to the videos] Where's Turner & Hooch?
| Randy: | Oh, ah, I believe we have that over in the uh-
| Shopper: | Aahh... [her voice echoes as she dissolves into thin air]
| Randy: | [stunned, then annoyed] Oh. Oh I get it! [looks heavenward] Video stores are so old they have ghosts in them! Okay, thank! I get it! But you're wrong!
| Ghost: | [floats by] Emily? [turns into the aisle where the woman was] Emily, the ward is over! Let's go rent a movie at Blockbuster!
| Randy: | Hahaha, haha! You can be a spooky ghost all you want, it wasn't a stupid idea to buy this place!
| Ghost: | The hounds are calling, Emily. Let's rent something now! [floats past Randy]
| Randy: | I'll have you know that Netflix, Hulu, and Crackle still don't make the money Blockbuster does! Streaming movies is not for everyone!
| Ghost: | [turns around and looks at Randy] The houdsn, Emily! The hounds!
| Randy: | Go ahead! All you want, bro! All you want! It was a great idea, but no! Everyone just wants to prove that Rrrandy's gone crazy! [sticks his tongue out and makes noises at him] "Oh don't mind Randy, he's just losingn his mind!" [Stan watches from a distance] Drrrr! You know what? Fuck you and Emily!
| Stan: | [turns and ealks to Sharon, who's at the counter looking up things on the ancient CRT monitor] I think something might be wrong with Dad?
| Sharon: | Ya think? [Stan glance up at her]
| WEDNESDAY
| [HALLOWEEN. It's sunset and kids and their parents are out trick-or-treating. Butters and Jimmy run into Cartman and Kenny, who are not in costume]
| Butters: | Oh hey Eric and Kenny. You guys don't have costumes?
| Cartman: | We're actually on our way over to Kyle's because our costumes are so multi-faceted and cool we have to put them on together.
| Kenny: | (Yeah.)
| Cartman: | Uhhh what are you supposed to be, Butters?
| Butters: | I'm a wereprechaun. You know, a leprechaun that's been bitten by a werewolf. And Jimmy's Gangnam Style.
| Jimmy: | Wop. Wop, Wop wop, Wopwop Gangnam Style. [grins]
| Cartman: | Yyeah, really cool, guys. You'll be some stiff compettion at the costume contest for sure.
| Butters: | Come on! What are you guys goin' as??
| Cartman: | [walks off with Kenny] You'll just have to wait and see.
| [Blockbuster, at that moment. Sharon dresses Stan up as Captain America while Shelley reads a magazine behind the counter]
| Sharon: | I think that's good. Feel tight enough?
| Stan: | Yeah, it's awesome! Thanks, Mom.
| Sharon: | Let's see the shield.
| Stan: | [takes up the shield and strikes a pose] Put down the blue orby thing, Red Skull!
| Sharon: | [claps] Yehay!
| Randy: | [arrives] Hey, whoa, whar are you doing?
| Sharon: | Stan's about to go out with his friends.
| Randy: | Nono, I need everybody tonight! [Stan loses his enthusiasm] It's our big night!
| Sharon: | For what?!
| Randy: | Agh! It's Halloween! Everyone rents scary movies on Halloween! I'm sorry Stnaley, but I need your help here!
| Shelley: | God I hate this family!
| Sharon: | Randy, let him go trick-or-treating.
| Randy: | [walks over to some end displaya] You guys don't understand. We're doing a big Halloween promotion! I've put up flyers and I've got apple-bobbing [a cauldron full of them] and candy corn [in a display case]. This is the night we turn it all around.
| Stan: | Dad, nobody's gonna come.
| Randy: | Oho you'll see! I'm sorry, Stan, but in about thirty minutes this place is gonna be swamped with people trying to rent DVDs!
| Stan: | Renting DVDs is more ancient than Madonna's bobs!
| Randy: | Ew! [turns right and walks away] That's enough, Stanley! Ew, gross!
| Stan: | [moments later, on the land line] I can't go trick-or-treating! My dad says I have to stay and help with the store! Yes, I'm serious! I know it sucks, Kyle!
| Kyle: | [dressed as Thor, in his living room] Dude, you can't do this! How can we be the Avengers without Captain America?
| Stan: | I know, but there's nothing I can do.
| Kyle: | But what about the costume contest?!
| Kenny: | [dressed as Iron Man, comes in from the kitchen] What's going on, Kyle?
| Kyle: | Stan can't come.
| Cartman: | [dressed as Hulk, comes in from the kitchen] Stan can't come?? But he's fucking Captain America!
| Stan: | I'm sorry you guys. My dad is doing a big Halloween promotion.
| Kyle: | Does anybody even go to Blockbuster anymore?
| Stan: | No dude. Nobody. My dad... he's kind of losing it. To be honest, I feel kind of bad for him.
| Randy: | [appears from an aisle] Stan, get off the damned phone! People are gonna start callin' to reserve movies! Gau! [goes back into the aisle]
| Stan: | Oh never mind, I hate him again.
| Kyle: | Dude, you can't miss Halloween! You have your iPad?
| Stan: | Yeah.
| Kyle: | Okay, I'm gonna go grab mine. I have an idea.
| [The neighborhood, later. Kyle pulls a skateboard along on which his iPad is mounted, and Stan is shown on the iPad]
| Kyle: | Alright, where should we trick-or-treat first?
| Stan: | How about we try the Barkers? Oh, no, it looks like they're not home.
| Cartman: | This is fucking ridiculous! We've been planning this Halloween for two moonths, and Stan has to go and ruin it!
| Kyle: | He looks fine.
| Stan: | Oh, let's go to the Petersons' house.
| Cartman: | Yeah, he looks totally fine, except that when we walk up to a house, people are gonna be like, "Oh wow, it's the Avengers, and some Captain FaceTime skateboard guy!" [they head for a house to their left. Kenny rings the bell. A man opens the door holding a bowl of candy.]
| The Boys: | Trick or treat.
| Stan: | Trick or treat.
| Man 1: | Oh wuhow! Look honey, it's Iron Man, Captian America, Thor, and Bruce Vilanch. [Cartman strikes an angry Hulk pose]
| Cartman: | [dropping the pose] I'm not Bruce Vilanch!
| Man 1: | Oh, what are you supposed to be? Oh [snaps his fingers ] oh, right. You're supposed to be that um... uhhh... [puts his left hand to his head]
| Cartman: | The Incredible...
| Man 1: | Right right, the incredibly Chaz Bono. Remember honey? Dancing With The Stars? The fat transexual?
| Woman 1: | [raises her palms up, then rests them on her legs] Ohhh, cute!
| Cartman: | No not Chaz Bono! Do you see my skin?! I'm green!
| Woman 1: | [quick gasp] The incredible Harvey Fierstein?
| Man 1: | Nnoo, Harvey Fierstein's just gay and fat, honey. He's not green.
| Cartman: | The person I'm dressed as is not fat, and not gay!
| Man 1: | The incredibly fat and gay skinny straignt man?
| Cartman: | [loses his cool and shuts his eyes] JUST GIVE US SOME FUCKING CANDY! [moments later they're on to the next house] It's Stan's stupid Captain America costume! That's what's throwing everybody off! How are people supposed to get that I'm the Hulk when Captain America is on freaking FaceTime?! [Kenny rings the door bell. A man opens the door holding a bowl of candy.]
| The Boys: | Trick or treat.
| Man 2: | Ohh wow, it's the Avengers!
| Cartman: | That's right!
| Man 2: | Oho, and Honeyy Boo Boo! [looks back inside the house] Kids, come see the green Honey Boo Boo costume!
| [The sidewalk across from Blockbuster, Halloween night. A couple walks along laughing over something]
| Girlfriend: | Oh, it's getting colder out.
| Boyfriend: | Yeah, you can definnitely tell that winter's coming. [the woman glances to her right, then turns her head to the right. They both stop walking] What's the matter?
| Girlfriend: | That old creepy place. I saw someone in the window there. [as they look, Randy appears at one of the windows and backons them to come in. Then he holds up a HALF OFF sign and hskaes it a bit]
| Boyfriend: | Come on, let's get out of here. [puts his arm around her shoulders. They hurry off.]
| Randy: | [sighs and throws down the sign in frustration] They'll come! [walks off slowly and his voice gets deeper] Sooner or later! They'll have to come!
| [Blockbuster, maybe an hour later. The store is fully lit, but there's still no business. There's more snow on the parking lot so that it's almost fullyy covered. Randy's anger has solidified into a slumped angry walk as he wanders the aisles, grunting once in a while. He stops to fix some DVDs that are out of place, then walks to the candy display undre glass in the counter]
| Randy: | [closes his eeys and sobs a bit] Wuhy? Why isn't anyone showing up?! [uncovers his eyes and moves his palms down to his cheeks] It's Halloween night! People should be renting spooky movies! [places his hands on the counter] What's happened to the world? Things used to be so simple. [notices something and pounds the glass] Good evening, fine sir! I would like to rent a movie!
| Ghost 2: | [a former Blockbuster employee] Of course, Mr. Marsh. What'll it be?
| Randy: | I'll take a DVD of Robocop 2 and the director's cut of Blade Runner.
| Ghost 2: | Coming right up. [goes to retrieve the videos]
| Randy: | No place like the video store, eh, my friend? Convenience at its peak.
| Ghost 2: | [types in the order] Your son and wife don't seem to quite agree with you about the video store. In fact, your son seems to think video stores are... as ancient as Madonna's boobs?
| Randy: | He's a... he's a very... progressive... little boy. Gets it from his mother.
| Ghost 2: | If I may say so, Mr. Marsh, your Blockbuster will never get any customers with those two Negative Nancys ssabotaging you. You may need to do something... rather extreme. [more sinister] If I may say so, Mr. Marsh. [Randy looks at him, then at Stan, who is off in a corner looking at his iPad.]
| Stan: | Trick or treat.
| Ghost 2: | You are the owner of Blockbuster, Mr. Marsh. [Randy feels the pressure and resists it] You must be willing to do anything.
| Randy: | No! No I won't do it! Leave him out of this! He's just a little boy! [notices Stan looking at him] Hey Stan. [turns and walks away]
| [Another neighborhood, night. The boys continue their trick-or-treating.]
| Kyle: | We still have an hour before the costume contest, so let's hit the house on the uh-
| Cartman: | Dude dude dude! Check it out. [points to something across the street... a robbery in progress. One robber is outside a Kum & Go minimart. He breaks a surveillance camera with a crowbar, then jimmies the door open and goes in]
| Stan: | What? What's he doing?
| Kyle: | Somebody's breaking into that Kum & Go.
| Cartman: | [turns around] You guys, we've gotta stop it!
| Kyle: | [turns around] Yeah dude! We are the Avengers!
| Stan: | Hey, where did you guys go??
| Kyle: | [turns his skateboard around] Oh, sorry dude.
| Stan: | Alright Avengers, what say we take this scumbag down?!
| Kenny: | Stan and Kyle, you take the back entrance. Cartman and I will block him from the side.
| Cartman: | Cartman SMASH! [they turn around and go into action]
| [Kum & Go, inside. The robbers get to work]
| Robber 1: | Alright, the camera's out. Hurry up, you two! [the other two robbers are trying to break into a Red Box rental box. They succeed, and some change falls out]
| Robber 2: | What the? You told me these things were full of money!
| Robber 3: | It's Halloween. I thought everyone would be rentiing spooky movies. [the boys break into the store, with Cartman acting like a rampaging Hulk]
| Kyle: | [holds up his sledge hammer] For Odin! For Asgard!
| Robber 4: | Who are you?!
| Cartman: | [roars some more, then] Oh crap, there's a bunch of them. Never mind. [walks to the counter and sees a dead clerk slumped over the counter] Holy shit, they shot this guy.
| Kyle: | Oh my God!
| Kenny: | Dude, fuck this. Let's bail! [the boys head out the front door with the robbers in hot pursuuit]
| Robber 4: | Get 'em!
| [Blockbuster, at that moment. Sharon is on the land line with someone]
| Sharon: | Oh my gosh, that's so cute. And so what is little Monica wearing? Oho, I bet she's adorable. [Randy rises up from behind the bargain bin] No, we're just sort of in here for the most part. Yeah, are you guys staying in? [Randy slides to his right and out of view] You're watching The Thing? Oh that's fun. On Netflix or Hulu? On your XBox, uh huh. Yeah, no, at some point I'm hopiing we can just call it a night and go home. [Randy appears from the right side of the store, way in the back, then disappears again] No, you don't need to send help. Thanks, though. Are you guys getting a lot of trick-or-treaters? Yeah? Oh really? [Randy reappears from the left side of the store, right behind Sharon] Oh, Barbara and Michael? Oh yeah. Uh huh. Ha-hang on a second Karen. [covers the mic and turns to Randy] Can I help you with something?
| Randy: | [in a deep falsetto] According to industry experts, many rural areas don't have the bandwidth to support DVD-quality video in streaming services, and won't for years to come, making DVD rentals still the best movie-watching option. [they look at each other for a few seconds]
| Sharon: | [goes back to her phone call] Sorry, Karen, you were saying? No, it wasn't a customer. No, it's just Randy. [Randy turns around and leaves] Yes, a customer would have been nice, I know.
| [Back the the Kum & Go...]
| Robber 1: | Godddamnit those kids saw us! And you let them get away!
| Robber 3: | It was the Avengers, Brad! [Robber 2 appeaers at a doorway]
| Robber 2: | Hey, we caught one of them. We got him tied up in the back. [hurries to the back, and the other two follow him]
| [The back room. Kyle's iPad is strapped to a chair]
| Robber 1: | Alright, who were your friends?
| Stan: | Just let me go! We're nobody! We didn't see anything! I pro-I promise!
| Robber 2: | He's lying. They saw everything!
| Robber 1: | Let's try this again. [takes out a switchblade and walks up to the iPad]
| Stan: | No! Dude, please! This is my best friend's iPad! [the robber scratches the glass, leaving a deep gash] Noo! Okayokay, okay! Their names are Bruce, Tony, and Curt
| Robber 4: | Hey, one of them dropped this. [a flier] It's an invitation to a Monster Mash at the community center.
| Stan: | Nonono, weee weren't gonna there.
| Robber 1: | [puts away the switchblade and backs off] Sure you weren't! [walks away] Get rid of him!
| Stan: | NO! [shakes his head] I won't say anything, I promise! [Robbers 2 and 3 take the iPad out to the car]
| [The two robbers take the iPad to the side of the road is a desolate place. The trunk pops open and the two robbers look at the iPad]
| Stan: | What are you gonna do?? [Robber 3 takes the iPad out and carries it away] Please! Please just let me go! No!
| Robber 3: | Sorry, kid. End of the line. [throws the iPad into a ditch next to the road. The two robbers get back into the car and drive away]
| [Blockbuster, later. Randy has a fixe, angry look on his face as he watches a TV screen. On the screen is Ted, a teddy bear brought to life and now living with his owner as an adult. Ted and his owner share chips and John Adams beer. Over by the counter, Stan tries to make a call, but the cabke has been cut in two]
| Stan: | What the hell? [gets off the stool and walks over to Shelley] Shelley I need to use your cell phone.
| Shelley: | [looking through her duffel bag and back park] I can't find it. Somebody took it.
| Sharon: | [coming in from the col] Alright Randy, where are the car keys?! [gets no answer] Randy, where are the keys to the car?! [still gets no answer. Randy is transfixed] Goddamnit! [walks away in a huff]
| [The desolate place, later. The couple who walked by Blockbuster before are walking along a path. The girlfriend holds on to the boyfriend's arm]
| Boyfriend: | Did you have fun at the Halloween party?
| Girlfriend: | I did. Thanks so much, Ben. And thanks for walking me home. [she notices something off to her right and stops]
| Ben: | [the boyfriend] What's the matter?
| Girlfriend: | What is that? [lets go and walks towards the item]
| Ben: | Whaht is what?
| Girlfriend: | [stops by the iPad] Somebody dumped a... Oh my God, Ben, it's a little boy! [picks up the iPad, which has Stan back onscreen] Hello? [wipes the screen clean] Are you okay? Little boy? [the screen brightens up]
| Stan: | Huh? Wha? ...Oh, oh hello? Who is that?
| Girlfriend: | It's okay. Try and stay calm.
| Stan: | Oh, ah thank God you found me.
| Ben: | What is he doing way out here?
| Stan: | You have to get me to my friends! They aren't safe! [Ben and his girl look at each other]
| [Park County Police Station, night. The three Avengers are at the station talking to Capt. Yates]
| Kyle: | And then we ran out of the Kum & Go and these guys, th-they took our friend.
| Capt. Yates: | Sounds like you're talking about the Red Box killers. They've murdered over a dozen people trying to get the cash from Red Boxes.
| Cartman: | Oh my God. You mean they don't know people can stream movies cheaper and more conveniently online?
| Capt. Yates: | Apparently not. These are dangerous guys. Do you have any idea where they were headed?
| Officer 1: | Sir, there's a kid over at the hospital saying he saw everything.
| [Hell's Pass Hospital. Kyle's iPad is on a bed being tended to, and an officer stands by taking a statement from Stan]
| Stan: | They said they were heading to the big party at the community center. You have to stop it. My friends are in trouble.
| Kyle: | Stan! [leads the other Avengers and the police into Stan's hospital room]
| Stan: | Guys, you're okay!
| Kyle: | What happened to you?
| Stan: | It's alright, just a scratch.
| Cartman: | Hey, this means we can still make the costume contest, you guys!
| Stan: | No! They're looking for you there! [to Capt. Yates] Sir, you've got to cancel the Monster Mash.
| Capt. Yates: | What?! Are you crazy?! We can't cancel the Monster Mash, it's Halloween Night! It's the Monster Mash's biggest night of the year!
| Officer 2: | The Monster Mash is only on Halloween. [another officer quickly shushes him]
| Kyle: | Dude, if these guys are as bad as you say, then we have to do something!
| Stan: | Yeah, people are gonna get hurt.
| Capt. Yates: | How many people at the Monster Mash?
| Officer 3: | Most of the town, sir. It's a graveyard smash.
| Officer 4: | Look, whatever we do, we'd better hurry. It gets on in a flash.
| Capt. Yates: | You boys say you can identify the Red Box thieves?
| Kenny: | Yes. We saw their faces.
| Capt. Yates: | Alright then. We're gonna have to send one of you into the party in disguise.
| [The Monster Mash, night. PSY's song, "Gangnam Style," is playing as the town gathers inside the community center, which is decked out for Halloween. Many of the guests are dressed as PSY.]
| Butters: | That sure is a great Gangnam Style costume, Craig. I'm a wereprechaun. You know, a leprechaun that has been bitten by a werewolf. [a giant stops by] Oh wow! Nice costume, Stan. It's Gangnamstein!
| Stan: | Shhh. Don't say my name, Butters. I'm here undercover.
| Butters: | Okay, Stan. Enjoy the Monster Mash. [Gangnamstein turns left and runs into a man]
| Stan: | Oops.
| Man 3: | Gaaah!
| Stan: | Hey, be careful in there.
| Officer 3: | [inside the Gangnamstein outfit] Sorry. I can't see a thing in here.
| Stan: | It's alright. Let's go straight. Now turn left. Okay, now go about ten steps.
| A Banana: | Wow, Gangnamstein. I wish I'd have thought of that.
| [Back at the Blockbuster, Randy now walks around in a limp and hunched over]
| Randy: | Stan?! Daddy wants to have a little talk, Stan! Stanny boy?! I'M COMING! [notices a video and stops] Oh look, Wedding Crashers. [takes it and carries it around, then notices Shelley and stops] What are you doing, Shelley?
| Shelley: | [sprays some lighter fluid onto some DVDs on a rack, then lights a match] Nothing, Dad. Go back to killing the family. [tosses the match onto the floor]
| Randy: | Okay. [walks on] STAN! [Shelley squeezes some more lighter fluid onto the racks, which quickly go up in flames.] STANNY BOY, I'M COMIN'!
| [The Monster Mash. Mr. Mackey is at the podium dressed as PSY.]
| Mr. Mackey: | Hokay everyone, it's time to start the costume contest. m'ukay.
| Stan: | Wiat a minute. There they are!
| Mr. Garrison: | [turns around] There's who? [the four robbers are shown]
| Stan: | Listen everybody, those guys right over there are- [some rustling is heard and Randy takes Stan's iPad from him]
| Randy: | Who are you people?! You aren't real!
| Officer 3: | Hey hay, I can't see! Where do I go? [begins to walk blindly, and the transformation to Gangnamstein is complete]
| Randy: | Do you think I'm crazy for buying Blockbuster?! I'll make you pay! Alluh! All! [everyone begins to run out of the community center.] I got a little somethin' for all of you! [takes a golf club from a golfer and starts swingning it around] Run! You'd better run!
| [a family watches a movie on an XBox in the living room. Gangnamstein crashes through the front door.]
| Randy: | Waaarg! Look at the people watching movies on their XBox. Haarrrr!
| Family: | HAAAAA! [they get off their sofa and run]
| Randy: | Haarrrr! [walks forward]
| [a toddler's room. Two little boys watch a movie on a tablet. Gangnamstein breaks through the bedroom window and the boys hug each other in sheer fright.]
| Randy: | Raaaawr! [falls to the floor, but gets up again]
| Boys: | AAAAA!
| Randy: | Streaming Halloween 4! Hahaha!
| Boys: | [get off the bed and run] AAAAA! [run out of the house, with Gangnamstein behind them] AAAAA!
| Randy: | AAAAA! [a spotlight shines on Kyle's iPad] AAAAA! [Gangnamstein raises its arms to shield itself from the light. Yates and his officers have arrived and are ready to shoot]
| Capt. Yates: | FIRE! [the officers fire away]
| Randy: | Arrrg! [looks to his left] Hey, what are you doing?!
| Stan: | [gaining control of his own iPad] It's mine, Dad, get your own! What the hell's going on?! [Officer 3 takes the iPad off and throws it away while he keeps getting shot, and finally falls over dead. The gunfire stops]
| Capt. Yates: | We got the sonofabitch!
| Officer 4: | Wait, wasn't that Peterson in there? [Officer 2 shushes him quickly]
| Capt. Yates: | Well, I hope you guys have learned that crime doesn't pay.
| Robber 1: | Not with the convenience of online streaming it don't.
| Butters: | Kyle Kyle! It's Stan! He's dying. [Kyle knows what this means and walks over to his iPad]
| Kyle: | Stan?
| Stan: | Hey dude.
| Kyle: | The judging's almost done. You're gonna make it. [the los battery indicator pops up - 5% remaining] Oh God. [turns to the tathering crowd] SOMEBODY GET ME A CHARGER! [turns back to Stan] Hold on Stan! Don't die on us!
| Stan: | It's okay Kyle, It's okay. Hit OK. [Kyle does so, and the indicator disappears] You guys go win that costume contest. You can do it. Lift the trophy for me.
| Kyle: | You're gonna see it. [to the crowd] WILL SOMEBODY GET ME A GODDAMNED CHARGER?
| Stan: | Just have a good Halloween, you guys. And Kenny?
| Kenny: | Yeah, Stan?
| Stan: | Stay gold. [the iPad runs out of juice and the screen goes black, except for some symbols indicating the iPad needs to be recharged. Cartman roars like Hulk.]
| [Blockbuster, midnight. Randy walks out of it in a stupor while flames inside it get bigger. Randy slurs his spech so it's hard to understand]
| Randy: | Stan?! I'm comin'! I'm comin', Stan! [mumbles incoherently again, waving the videos he took with him in anger] Stan! [finally collapses into a snowdrift]
| [Blockbuster parking lot, morning. Randy is now frozen and covered in snow. His facial expression has gotten worse. Sharon, Stan, and Shelley arrive some time later]
| Sharon: | I spoke with the insurance company. [the destroyed Blockbuster is shown] They said we can get some of our money back. Not all of it, but some. You wanna go home? Get changed? Take a shower?
| Randy: | [through frozen lips] No...
| Sharon: | You wanna just sit here a little more and be frozen?
| Randy: | Yeah...
| Sharon: | You want me to bring you some McDonald's?
| Randy: | Okay...
| Sharon: | What do you want from McDonald's?
| Randy: | Chicken nuggers... and fries... sweet and sour sauce... and a Hi-C Orange. [Sharon and the kids turn and walk away. Presumably Sharon has the car keys now. Stan returns and replaces the videos Randy has in his hand with the same movies on his iPad]
| [End of A Nightmare On FaceTime.]
| |