Stan
Kyle
Cartman
Kenny
Narrator
Michael (the clerk) and Guide
Rancher and Duncan
Various zipliners and horseback riders
| [The opening shots this week parody those of "I Shouldn't Be Alive", with dramatic zooms and pans. Then a shot of Stan running in zipline gear] | |
| Stan: | Kyle! [his voice echoes as he looks around frantically] |
| [The opening shots again] | |
| Narrator: | Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell. [A shot of Kyle going down the zipline] |
| Kyle: | HAAAAAAA! I can't take it! [a shot of Cartman moving down the aip line helplessly] |
| Cartman: | Somebody help us! [motion blur back to opening shots] |
| Narrator: | Trapped in an unforgiving mountain wilderness with no way out. [a shot each of Kyle, Kenny, and Stan screaming, then of a bloodied Stan on the zipline, then of Cartman, thenof Kyle] The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape. |
| Kyle: | [being interviewed] We were stuck. We were completely stuck. [cut to Cartman running] |
| Cartman: | Kyle, hurry! [a shot of Stan with Kyle] |
| Stan: | Kyle, wake up! You've gotta wake up, Kyle! [a shot each of Kyle, Kenny, Stan, and Cartman screaming, then of the four boys on a wodden platform at the top of a zipline, the nof Cartman, then of a trip through the esophagus, then of Cartman, and back to the first shot] |
| Narrator: | For four elementary school boys. an ordinary day becomes a descent into madness on tonight's episode of "I Should Have Never Gone Ziplining". |
| Cartman: | [inside a van, in a window seat] Oh God! |
| Stan: | [running towards the camera] No! |
| The events in this film took place over 4 hours in the Colorado Rockies | |
|---|---|
| Stan: | Help! We're trapped! [A shot of all four boys bloodied and woozy] We've gotta get out of here! |
| This is a true story | |
| [A bright sun rises over the town of South Park] | |
| Narrator: | It's the last day of Spring break, [a shot of the school] and all over the small mountain town of South Park, [back at the park, kids play on the basketball court or go down a slide, or fly kites.] students are trying to have as much fun as possible. [a girl shows off her dog to two friends, a boy aims his water gun at another boy and runs after him, two other boys toss a football between them. The camera stops at a table with four boys. Tow of them sit at the bench, two others stand. Kenny plays with a twig] For ten year old Stan Marsh and his friends Kyle, Eric, and Kenny, the last day has come too soon. |
| Stan: | [being interviewed] We really had spent the whole spring break watching TV and playing XBox, you know, so, we, we wanted to go out and do something really adventurous. |
| Kyle: | We could go to the city pool. They have a water slide |
| Cartman: | Noo nono, I'm not getting in a pool with Kenny. He has herpes. |
| Kenny: | [offended] (What?!) |
| Cartman: | Look at his lip. [to Kenny] You've got herpes, dude. |
| Kenny: | [throws the twig away] (This is not herpes, it's a cold sore!) |
| Cartman: | No- cold sore is what girls call it, Kenny. It's actually herpes. |
| Stan: | Come on guys, the day is wasting away. What would be something really cool we could do? |
| Kyle: | [being interviewed] And then like, out of nowhere, somebody came up with the idea of ziplining. |
| Cartman: | Hey yeah, ziplining! That could be really cool! |
| Kyle: | We've definitely not done that before! |
| Stan: | I think there's a place just outside of town. I'll see if my uncle Jimbo will drop us off. |
| Kyle: | Cool! Ziplining. |
| Cartman: | Ziplining. Hell yeah. |
| Narrator: | Within thirty minutes, the boys are getting a ride to the ziplining outfitters from Stan's uncle Jimbo. [a shot of the boys chattering in the back] |
| Cartman: | [being interviewed] We were in a good mood, just jokin' around, you know, mostly making fun of Kenny's herpes. |
| Cartman: | Hey Kenny! You got herpes, dude! Ah I almost touched him. [leans over to see how close his finger can reach without touching] Zi- [Kenny puts his right mitten over his mouth and Cartman pulls his left hand back playfully] Oh, sick Kenny! No! Gross. |
| Kenny: | (Dude, it's just a fever blister!) |
| Cartman: | Heh, did you hear that guys? Kenny said it's just a fever blister. [laughs] You sound like a chick, Kenny. That's herpes, dude. You got that shit till you die. |
| Narrator: | It's the idyllic spring break getaway with friends and laughter. [a shot of the boys cheering as they approach Backcountry Adventures] |
| [Inside Backcountry Adventures, day] | |
| Clerk: | Hey, you guys here for the 2 o'clock zipline tour? |
| Stan: | Yeah. |
| Clerk: | All right, let me get you some helmet and some gear and we'll get up there and hit that fresh narnar. |
| Kyle: | [being interviewed] And so they put us in these harnesses and helmets. I th-I think that's when we started realizing, "Oh wow, this is actually pretty dangerous." |
| Clerk: | [he's got the boys dressed up] All right, you guys look ready to zipline! |
| Cartman: | Alright! |
| Clerk: | Okay, just follow me over to the waiting room and we'll have you take a seat with the others. |
| Stan: | [being interviewed] And we were like, "Other? We have to do this with other people?" [a shot of the boys entering the waiting room, where there are seven other people waiting] |
| Woman 1: | Hi there. |
| Man 1: | Hello. |
| Woman 2: | Hi |
| Narrator: | The boys have just made a sobering discovery. [a shot of Stan's internal organs and spine] For ten year old Stan Marsh, the realization that he will be with a tour group has caused his adrenal glands to slow down. [this is shown] The average human acts a certain way when surrounded by friends and family. [Stan's brain and skull are shown] But, in a tour group, the brain has to work overtime, acting nice and pretending to care about people on the tour. |
| Woman 2: | [quite pregnant] Hey, how are you? |
| Stan: | [mimicking] Good. How are you? |
| Kyle: | [being interviewed] So then we sit there for like, thirty minutes, because we had to wait for this couple who was running late. [the couple arrives] |
| Clerk: | Alright, our last zipliners are here. [Kyle and Cartman are visibly angry] |
| Man 2: | Sorry we made you wait, everybody. [A shot of Kyle's mouth interior is shown] |
| Narrator: | Inside Kyle's mouth, the muscles contract to force a smile, even though in his brain, Kyle is thinking, "Dude, fuck you!" |
| Kyle: | We don't mind. |
| Cartman: | [being interviewed] Now everyone was there. We thought things would start getting fun, but... that's when we had to watch the safety video. [the benches are rearranged so the zipliners can watch a TV screen above them] |
| Clerk: | Welcome to Backcountry Adventures! Well hey there Michael! |
| Michael: | [who's just the clerk, naturally] Hey there Michael. [Everyone behind the boys laughs.] |
| Stan: | [being interviewed] It was... I don't know, ten, maybe fifteen minutes of pure hell. [return to the tour] |
| Michael: | Oh, and don't forget... to take in the nar. Back to you, Michael. |
| Michael: | Thanks Michael. [turns off the TV] Anybody have any questions? |
| Cartman: | ...No. |
| Man 2: | I have a question: Can we review the best ways to hold a rope again? [the boys are stunned that this needs to be done] |
| Stan: | [being interviewed] "Really? You're gonna make us all listen to it again 'cause you couldn't understand? Really?" |
| Michael: | Let's get out there and get zippin'! [everyone rises and heads out of the waiting room] |
| Kyle: | Jesus Christ! |
| Cartman: | Finally! |
| Narrator: | The boys think their ordeal is over, but what they don't realize is that things are about to go from bad to worse. |
| [Outside Backcountry Adventures] | |
| Michael: | Here we go guys! Zipliniiin'! [goes into an open-leg stance, makes a fist with his left hand, holding out the thumb and pinkie] |
| Guide 1: | [a woman, waiting by a van that has been out earlier in the day] Everyone just step on in the shuttle. [opens the van's sliding door. The zipliners head for it] |
| Stan: | ...Shuttle? |
| Kyle: | How, how long do we have to take the shuttle? |
| Michael: | It's about forty-five minutes. |
| Narrator: | It's a devastating blow. For Kyle, it's almost too much to bear. [a look at Kyle's brain] His brain is already lacking excitement, and now just the word "shuttle" makes Kyle's brain fire neurons [this is shown] that bring up memories of just how lame shuttles can be. [two images of overloaded shuttle buses appear, then footage of the Space Shuttle Challenger going up and exploding, and Kyle is scared] |
| Cartman: | Well, come on, we don't have a choice. [leads the others to the shuttle van.] |
| [The shuttle ride, later. It sure is bumpy.] | |
| Michael: | Alright guys, should be about forty five minutes to the freshest narnar. Why don't we go around the van and get to know each other a little bit? |
| Stan: | Uh that's okay. |
| Man 3: | Well my name's Pete Nichols and this is my wife Donna, and uh... make a long story short, we came out here to see our relatives who live down in Moab. They uhhh been livin' there about twenty eight years now, and uh, long story short, they told us that as long as we were in the Rockies we should try ziplining, so, long story short, we loked around in the newspapers and on the Internet and... on billboooards, and... you know, make a long story short, we found this company and thought we'd give 'er a try, so then we called and, we made a reservation, and that's when, you know, long story short, we just thought- [Cartman begins to mutter angrily] |
| Narrator: | [hour 2] It's almost three o'clock, and the boys are still on the shuttle. |
| Michael: | We're gettin' close. Are you guys gettin' psyched?! |
| Adults: | Wooo! |
| Narrator: | But what the boys don't realize is that a massie storm is brewing. [Cartman is drinking some Mountain Dew from a can. The camera looks around the van] Last night, Eric Cartman had kung pao spaghetti from California Pizza Kitchen. [the camera goes down Eric's esophagus] Inside Eric's stomach, the kung pao has just met with the Del Taco he ate for breakfast. It has already started to tear down the layers of barbeque BK toppers that have been building up for months. [the camera comes back up the esophagus and out Cartman's mouth] And now, to compensate for all the annoying tourists, Eric is ingesting massive amounts of Mountain Dew. [the camera goes back down Cartman's throat] The caffeine and sugar turn the soupy fast-food liquid in his stomach into a toxic gas. [a quick journey through the intestines is shown] When the gas is released, it carries with it tiny particles of Eric's fecal matter. [the sphincter is shown] Fecal matter which floats up and into Kyle's nasal passage. [this is shown, along with Kyle's reaction] |
| Kyle: | Dude, did you fart?! |
| Cartman: | Mmmm, mo... |
| Michael: | Alright buys, we're here! [The van pulls up to the first entrace to Zipline Adventures. Both Stan andn Kenny look sleepy] |
| Stan: | Thank God. [everyone is out of the van as Guide 1 goes up to the launch pad two stories up. The pad is attached to a pine tree] |
| Michael: | Alright, here we are. Looks like we got some good nar to zipline through today. Uh, but before we climb up and start ziplining, does anyone care to know about these trees' biology? |
| Cartman: | The trees' biology? |
| Michael: | We are running a little late, but if anyone really wants to know, we could take a few minutes. |
| Stan: | I think we're good. |
| Man 2: | [raises his left hand] I'd like to know about the biology of the trees. |
| Michael: | Okay, well, this is a Ponderosa pine. It covers a more extensive area than other Ameri- |
| Stan: | [being interviewed] So after Asshole gets his biology lesson, we finally get to go ziplining! [Cartman is hooked up] |
| Michael: | Alright, remember to keep your clear of the cable and just let your equipment do the work. [a shot of th etour group] Now, when you're about halfway down the zipline, the camera's gonna take your picture, so when I call out "Shockabra!", look up and give the camera a nice "shockabra" [two fists with thumbs and pinkies extended]. Alright, you ready? |
| Cartman: | Yeah. [Michael shortens the strap between Cartman and the zipline, and holds him up] |
| Michael: | Ready to do some ZIPPIN'? |
| Cartman: | Yeah. |
| Michael: | Alright, let's hear you say "Zipliiine!" |
| Cartman: | Zipliiine. [Michael sends him on his way] |
| Michael: | [voice-over] Shockabra! [Cartman holds out his fists as indicated above and the camera takes his picture] |
| Guide 1: | Woohoo! Alright, nice zip! |
| Kyle: | Well?? How was it, Cartman?? |
| Cartman: | Totally fuckin' stupid, dude! |
| Stan: | [as Kyle is prepped] Oh, really?? |
| Cartman: | Yeah dude, it's fuckin' boring as shit! |
| Michael: | Alright Kyle, give me a "Zipliiine!" |
| Kyle: | Zipline. [Michael sends him on his way] |
| Michael: | Shockabra! [does the fists. Kyle does the fists too and the camera takes his picture, but he's mad] |
| Kyle: | [being interviewed] It was like having the life sucked out of you. That' all it is, sliding down a cable. Maybe without a tour group it'd be ...kind of fun. Maybe. But, this was just... a complete disaster. |
| Narrator: | After a grueling twenty minutes, [the last zipliner comes down] waiting for everyone else to ride the zipline, the boys relaize they have just wasted hours of their time. And that, is when the unthinkable happens. |
| Michael: | Alright guys, let's get movin'! Only ten minutes till our next zipliiine! [the others cheer, but the boys are worried.] |
| Cartman: | [being interviewed] "The next zipline? What are you talking about?" |
| Kyle: | E-excuse me, w-we aren't going back now? Aren't we done? |
| Michael: | This is a zipline tour. We got sixteen more to go. |
| Stan: | [being interviewed] And it was like WHAM. [makes a fist with his right hand and punches his left handn with it.] |
| Kyle: | STOP! |
| Cartman: | NOOOO! |
| Guide: | Everyone back in the shuttle! |
| Kyle, Cartman: | NOOOO! [the adults and a fifth kid get back into the van] |
| Narrator: | The boys realize that their ziplining nightmare has only just begun. [the boys scream and some scens of the next ziplines flash by: Michael sends someone down the zipline, he plays guitar during a break "led me through that"] |
| Guide: | Anyone have any questions about the creek we're about to cross? |
| Man 2: | Yes. |
| Boys: | AAAA! [shots of Kyle, Kenny, and Stan] |
| Adults: | "Ack" went the little frog one day. "Ack" went the little green frog... |
| Cartman: | AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [opening shots return] |
| Michael: | Let 'er rip! [sends Man 2 on his way] |
| Man 4: | Zipliiine! |
| Narrator: | Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell. |
| Michael: | Next zipline's up here, we call it the Terminator. |
| Kyle: | Wugh! |
| Narrator: | Trapped in an unforgiving mountain wilderness with a tour group. |
| Man 3: | But, [Michael sends Man 4 down] you know, to make a long story short, I woke up this morning and- [Woman 1 is shown going down, then man 1, then] |
| Man 2: | [with his wife] Could you get another picture of us? [hands Kyle the camera while Michael sends Woman 1 down the next zipline] |
| Kyle: | HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [a shot of the whole group is shown] |
| Narrator: | The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape. |
| Cartman: | [on his way down a zipline.] I'm so fucking bored! [Hour 3 arrives. Michael sends Woman 2 down. The others cheer her on] |
| Michael: | Alright, you going next, Ricky? [hooks Ricky up and sends him down] |
| The Boys: | [on the ground] Help! Somebody! Help us! [the adults on the launch pad cheer Woman 4 down] |
| Kyle: | It's no use. There's nobody around for miles. |
| Stan: | There could be a helicopter. Maybe one will fly overhead. |
| Kyle: | [grabs Stan's arms] Face it Stan! Nobody's coming for us! [Michael sends Man 4 down] |
| Man 4: | Zipline! |
| Adults: | Woohoo! |
| Cartman: | We should have never listened to you, Kyle. |
| Kyle: | Me?! |
| Cartman: | Yeah you! In the park this morning?! "I know, let's all go ziplining! We've never done that before!" |
| Kyle: | Oh no, don't try to pin this on me! [Michael sends Man 2 down] You're the one who brought it up! |
| Cartman: | I brought it up because you already brought it up! |
| Stan: | [being interviewed] That's when I realized nobody remembered. Nobody remembered it was me who came up with the idea to go ziplining. Me. |
| Kyle: | You fat piece of shit! |
| Cartman: | Fuck you Kyle! [Michael sends Woman 3 down] |
| Stan: | Guys, guys, does it really matter whose idea it was?! |
| Cartman, Kyle: | Yes! |
| Stan: | Alright, look, we can make it, you guys. We can't panic. [Michael sends Woman 1 down] If the four of us don't zipline the tour will move faster. We are gonna make it out of here, okay? [Michael prepares to send Man 3 down, with Man 1 being the last zipliner left] |
| Narrator: | But what the boys don't realize is that Eric's body is already shutting down from stage 4 diarrhea. [the camera goes down Cartman's throat.] Inside his stomach, bile has just dislodged an Arby's Ultimate Angus. In the average human, this would only cause mild diarrhea. [the camera goes back up his throat and out his mouth] But Eric Cartman is now drinking Double Dew, a Mountain Dew product with twice the sugar and caffeine of regular Mountain Dew. [the camera goes back in] His rancid feces is now rapidly converting to a thick paste. [a quick trip through Cartman's intestines, as before] The diarrhea shoots out of Eric's anus and into his underwear. [this is shown, and the smell wafts up into Kyle's nose] Eric Cartman is a ticking time bomb. |
| Kyle: | DUDE! Did you just shit your pants?! |
| Cartman: | Nnnn-mo... |
| Stan: | [being interviewed] So, I just tried to keep the tour group moving, as fast as possible. |
| Michael: | All right guys, this is where we're going to break for lunch. |
| Guide: | [standing in a covered lunch area] Come in by the waterfall, gang! [it's a small waterfall] |
| Stan: | Oh no, could, could we skip lunch and keep going? |
| Man 2: | Skip a free lunch? Not me! [runs to the lunch area. The other zipliners follow] |
| Guide: | Wo wants sandwiches? [pulls out sealed sandwiches from a portable ice box] We got ...turkey. [Man 2 takes that one] Ham. [another ziplinet takes that one] Turkey ham. [another zipliner takes that one...] |
| Man 3: | [in the background] Long story short, we picked up our bags and went to our hotel. [in the foreground the boys are sitting on their own log with the word HELP on the ground before them made with twigs and branches] |
| Cartman: | Oogh! Ugh! You guys, seriously! Something's wrong in my tummy! [keeps sipping the Double Dew] |
| Kyle: | The stop drinking Double Dew, fatass! |
| Cartman: | This is Diet Double Dew Kyle! It only has half the caffeine and sugar of Double Dew. [at the bottom of the can is a blurb saying "DEW THE MATH!"] Oh man, you guys, I gotta get to a bathroom fast. |
| Kyle: | You're in a forest! Go take a crap! |
| Cartman: | If I crap in the woods, the blood will attract beavers, Kyle! |
| Stan: | [runs up to the tour guides] Hey ah, I'm so sorry, but we have an emergency. Our friend is really really sick. |
| Michael: | Oh, you mean the little kid with the herpes? |
| Stan: | ...Yyyeah. |
| Guide: | That's not herpes, it's a cold sore. |
| Michael: | Right, sorry. |
| Stan: | Yeah, his, his cold sore is really bad, and uhh he's losing blood, so we've gotta go. |
| Michael: | Jesus, sorry dude, but we're at the summit. The only way down is to zip down. |
| Some adults: | Zipline! Wooo! |
| Guide: | What about the stables? |
| Michael: | Oh yeah, the stables. There's, there's a ranch right past that hill that rents out horses. I, I bet they can get you back. |
| Kyle: | [being interviewed] Suddenly, Stan says he knows about some horse stables. Ih it seemed too good to be true. |
| Rancher: | Now let me get this straight: You want four horses, one for each of ya? |
| Stan: | Yea, please! |
| Rancher: | Well I think we can set ya up. |
| Kyle: | Oh, thank God! |
| Stan: | You see guys? This is gonna be sweet after all. |
| Rancher: | Step right out here, we'll get you going. [leads the boys out to a horseback riding tour] Got four more for you, Duncan. [All the riders wave and say hello, and a few take pictures] |
| Cartman: | NOOO! [opening shots return] |
| Narrator: | Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell. |
| Kyle: | AAAAH! [the boys are now shown on horseback in this order: Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny] |
| Cartman: | [still aching] Eeeeugh. |
| Narrator: | Trapped in a tour group on horsback that is only allowed to travel four miles an hour. [the camera tries some dramatic moves] |
| Kyle: | Can we please go faster?! |
| Kenny: | (I can't take it!) |
| Duncan: | We got some lunch set up for ya up ahead. Some turkey sandwiches and Diet Double Dew. |
| Kyle: | AAAAAAAAAAH! |
| Cartman: | Uh oh. [lets out a wet fart] |
| Rider 1: | [to Kyle] So anyway, long story short, I was born in 1953 at six in the morning. |
| Narrator: | An attempt to make a bad day better becomes a descent into madness on... "I Should Have Never Thought Horseback Riding Would Be Any Better Than Ziplining" |
| [The lunch site, moments later.] | |
| Duncan: | This here waterfall is called Heartbreak Falls. Would you all like to know why it's called Hearbreak Falls? |
| Rider 2: | Well I certainly would! [Other riders do too. Nearby, Kyle has collapsed] |
| Stan: | Kyle. Kyle? Kyle, come on, wake up! |
| Kyle: | Just go. Go without me. |
| Stan: | No, we're not leaving you here, Kyle! |
| Kyle: | I can't take it anymore. [his voice gets weaker] Why do people say "long story short"? They're not making it short, Stan. |
| Stan: | [being interviewed] I just sat there, watching Kyle die and... I wanted to tell him the truth right then and there. But then this... fire rose up inside of me, I... I thought "I can find us a way out!" I ran off and went searching for, I don't know how long. Twelve minutes? And that's when I found it. |
| Stan: | [returns from his search quite excited] You guys, you guys! Get up! Listen to me! There's a lake a hundred yards down that way! They've got a marina with boats just sitting there! |
| Cartman: | A marina? |
| Stan: | We can take a boat, you guys! We can probably take it all the way back to Fairplay! |
| Kyle: | What's the point? |
| Stan: | Come on you guys! A boat all to ourselves? It'll be fun! What could possibly go wrong?! [an announcer says the following lines] |
| The following program contains graphic re-enactments that may be disturbing to some audience members. | |
| [The marina. This is the live-action segment of the episode] | |
| Narrator: | Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell. [shots of the boys screaming on various parts of the boat] Trapped on a 42-foot powerboat [named Puffin] which is only allowed to go five miles an hour. [some footage is dropped to speed up the boat in time-lapse form] |
| Kyle: | Because we keep getting screwed over by your diarrhea! |
| Cartman: | Well it's not my diarrhea's fault that you took us all ziplining, you fuckin' Jew! |
| Kyle: | Ziplining was your idea, you fatass! |
| Narrator: | The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape. |
| Cartman: | Kennywhose idea was it to go ziplining? Mine, or Kyle's? |
| Kenny: | [slurring his speech] I don't know. I really don't give a shit. |
| Narrator: | For four elementary school boys, an alrady tragic day becomes a descent into madness on... "I Should Have Never Got On A Goddamn Boat" [more shots of the boys on the Puffin] |
| Kyle: | Oh no. [Cartman lowers a 20-oz. bottle of Mountain Dew] You're not stinking up the entire boat! You're taking a crap off the side into the water! |
| The events in this film took place over 4 hours in the Colorado Rockies | |
| [Cartman is shitting over the side of the boat, Stan screams, Kyle and Kenny vomit over other sides, Cartman continues to shit] | |
| Kenny: | Beavers! [a beaver is swimming in the water] |
| This is a true story | |
| [The boys are resting on a bench on the boat now] | |
| Narrator: | After cleaning Cartman's diarrhea and fithing off beavers, the boys have made a terrifying discovery: that boating is just as boring as ziplining. |
| Stan: | [being interviewed] The boat went really slow and it just went round and round. |
| Cartman: | WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! |
| Narrator: | If the boys fall asleep now, from the lack of excitement, they could die. [Stan looks ready to sleep. Cartman takes a swig of Mountain Dew] |
| Kyle: | Here! [takes Cartman's bottle] Everyone drink some Mountain Dew! |
| Kyle: | [being interviewed] I don't know, I g-I just thought if we all drank the Mountain Dew, the caffeine and the sugar would help us stay awake. I told Cartman he has to share it. |
| Cartman: | I'm not sharing with Kenny. He has herpes! |
| Kenny: | Hey. [tugs on Cartman, who turns to look at him] Fuck you, Cartman. |
| [The Puffin, some time later] | |
| Narrator: | Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell. [individual shots of the boys. They all have oral herpes now] And just when it seems it can't get any worse... [the boys are nodding off again] |
| Stan: | ...Kenny? Kenny! [Kenny has slid down on the seat, but his eyes are open] |
| Narrator: | Kenny McCormick has died of boredom. |
| Kyle: | Oh my God, they killed Kenny! YOU BASTARDS! |
| Cartman: | No, not they, YOU! Look what your ziplining idea has done! You killed Kenny, YOU're the bastard! |
| Kyle: | IT WASN'T MY IDEA, IT WAS YOURS! YOU KILLED KENNY, YOU BASTARD! |
| Stan: | [being interviewed] And finally, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I said "Stop it!" |
| Stan: | [rises and walks a bit] Stop it! It was me! My idea. |
| Cartman: | You?? |
| Stan: | Four days ago, I came across a brochure for ziplining. [reaches into his pocket and pulls out the brochure for Backcountry Adventures, then looks at it for a few seconds] I thought it would be fun. I only acted like it was an idea we all came up with together. [Kyle and Cartman look at each other] |
| Kyle: | So you intended for us to go ziplining all along? Why, Stan?? |
| Stan: | [turns to face them] If you signed up three friends, you got a free iPod Nano. [the camera pans down and sure enough, the offer is on the brochure cover: Sign up 3 friends and get an iPod NANO!!!] |
| Kyle: | You sold us out?! For an iPod Nano?! |
| Stan: | I had no idea ziplining would be so boring. |
| Cartman: | [points at Stan] You... You killed Kenny! [Stan begins to weep] |
| Kyle: | You BAStard! You BAStard, Stan! [a shot of Kenny, then a shot of the three surviving boys crying. Kyle cries on Cartman's shoulder and Cartman comforts him] |
| Kyle: | [being interviewed] How many iPod Nanos is friendship worth? I guess, one. |
| Stan: | [being interviewed, crying] The hardest part about it is knowing you can't take it back. [wipes away the flowing tears] I mean, it was the fifth-generation Nano, but I can't trade it in anywhere. |
| Narrator: | But then, miraculously, the boys' prayers are finally answered. [the boys look around, startled] |
| Cartman: | [being interviewed] It was a miracle. He came to save us and take us back home. |
| Cartman: | You came for us! |
| Kyle: | Mr. Hankey! |
| Stan: | Thank you. [whispers] Mr. Hankey. [Mr. Hankey has landed on the boat, at the top of an armrest] |
| Mr. Hankey: | Howdy ho, boys? Let's get you back home. [the boys are overjoyed at their good fortune] |
| Cartman: | [being interviewed] We were saved. It was over. |
| Narrator: | After nearly four hours in the Colorado wilderness, the boys are finally going home. From the boat, theh boys were airlifted aboard Mr. Hankey's magical helicrapter. [shown] In the four hours since they had left home, the boys had traveled so far that Mr. Hankey then had to fly them on his Seven Turdy Seven. [a jet plane made of poo] From there, it was only an hour ride back home on theh Poochoo Express. [The ziplining Shockabra pictures are shown] Four friends, turn apart by tragedy [Kenny's image vanishes, leaving the forest background in place], would now start the long journey back to forgiveness. Kenny McCormick's remains were finally brought home to his parents. [Mr. Hankey delivers them personally. The parents are distraught] And the boys received treatment for their herpes. [two paramedics treat Stan and Cartman as Mr. Hankey looks on from above. Stan and Cartman focus on Mr. Hankey.] |
| Cartman: | [being interviewed] No, I didn't get herpes, I just had a cold sore. |
| Narrator: | [shots of the scenes being described are shown] Kyle Broflovski spent twenty seven days in the hospital having fecal matter removed from his nasal passages. Stan Marsh dedicated himself to raising awareness about the boredom risks of ziplining. [a lecture tour. Stan is shown on stage with a "No on Ziplining" logo] His awareness videos became so popular that Stan once again ended up jacking it in San Diego. As for Eric Cartman, [shown as a mountaineer] he refused to let the tragedy stop him from doing what he loves most. In just two weeks, he was back to drinking Diet Double Dew, defiant to dew the math. |
| Cartman: | [being interviewed] It's diet, dude. Diet soda doesn't give you diarrhea. [takes a long sip] |
| [End of I Should Have Never Gone Ziplining.] |