Mitgeschrieben und dem Planearium zur Verfügung gestellt von Willie Westwood (South Park Scriptorium)

Episode 1603 - Faith Hilling


Mr. Kitty
Camera Boy and his three friends, including Girl 1 and Scooting Boy
Professor Lamont (the safety instructor), and two other experts (Expert 1 and Expert 2)
Ryan and Barkley
Pete and his friend
Teens 1 and 2
Tommy and his Girlfriend
Bobby and his father
The Ambassador of Humans
Lead Agent and two Service Service agents
Man 3, audience member
Mitt Romney
Newt Gingrich
Rick Santorum
Ron Paul
News Anchor
Reporters 1 and 2
Talking Oh Long Johnson Cat

[Colorado Republican Debate 2012, hosted by CNN. The four remaining Republican candidates]
Mitt Romney:I know the people are gonna say "oh, you should only practice it this way or that way."
Rick Santorum:Uhh, I believe in capitalism too. I believe in capitalism for everyone.
Newt Gingrich:No, what he said, which I found mildly amazing, was that he thought I would have a hard time debating Barack Obama.
Ron Paul:We faced something... much much greater after World War II. We had- ten million came home all at once. We ...but, but what did we do then? There were some of the liberals back then, they said, 'oh, we have to have more work programs' and do this and that, and they thought they would have to, you know, do everything conceivable for those ten-million; they never got around to it, because they came home so quickly. But you know what- [as Paul is speaking, Stan and Kyle communicate. The camera pans through the audience until Stan is seen.]
Stan:Tango tango, I'm in position.
Kyle:[voice only] Roger tango. Clear vantage point?
Stan:It'll have to do. We're not getting any closer.
Stan:Alright Butters, bring it in.
Butters:Equipment is flying in. Ten seconds.
Kyle:[the debate continues] Copy that. Ten seconds, Cartman.
Cartman:I can hear, Kyle. Just tell me when to go.
Ron Paul:-we cut taxes. [the audience applauds] By that time the debt had been linked... If everybody went back to work again... [At the back end of the auditorium, near the exits, one agent whispers something to another agent, and that agent comes forward to the lead agent]
SS Agent 1:We might have a problem.
Lead Agent:What's that?
Secret Service Agent:We just got word: somebody might try to "Faith Hilll" this event.
Lead Agent:Lock down the whole perimeter. Nobody's Faith Hilling! [makes two fists and walks off] Not on my watch! [three agents walk onto the stage]
Stan:I think they're onto us, guys. Let's do this.
[Butters walks in from one side of the auditorium with a cell phone on a platter. Kenny comes in from the other side. Kenny swipes the phone and heads for the stage while Butters heads to the other side. Kenny stops at Stan's row and heads towards him. Stan takes the phone.]
Stan:I got it.
SS Agent 2:Back! Somebody's under the stage!
Kyle:Go Cartman! [Cartman pops out from under the stage, goes up the steps, and runs to center stage. He smiles big, pinches his shirt in two places, and holds it up like he's showing off his tits. Stan takes a picture, then two more. Cartman sees the agents and panics, runniing off the stage quickly, with four agents in hot pursuit]
[Outside the debate, the boys run as fast as they can with the agents pursuing them]
Butters:We got it! We got it!
Cartman:Heheh, heheh, that was sweet you guys! Eh heh. [they run away. The agents run outside, but lose sight of them]
[A news report]
News Anchor:First there was planking. [several pictures of people planking are shown] People taking pictures of themselves in a plank position and putting the photos on the Internet. Planking was soon replaced by owling [a picture of a man in an owl pose on a truck cabin], and after the Superbowl, by Bradying [two different men, one of them Brady, sitting down with legs spread open, hands clasped, and heads hanging in shame]. But the newest meme involves pulling the shirt out to look like boobs. [a picture of Cartman performing the meme] It's called "Faith Hilling," and all around the world, people are doing it. [two such pictures are shown] Kids, adults, even some notable celebrities [Kobe Bryant is shown doing this] are getting into the act. But as Faith Hilling becomes more and more popular, the question on everyoe's mind: Who will be the first... to die doing it?
[South Park Elementary, day. The fourth graders are in a different room today]
Intructor:I've been sent here because you children are plaing with FIRE! Faith Hilling is nothing more than an evolution of Bradying, from football quarterback to football singer!
Cartman:[bored as hell] Oh please. Bradying is so two thousand and late.
Intructor:[pulls down the projection screen] I know you all think what you're doing is "new" and "hip" and "cool." But the truth is, meming has been around a long time. We're gonna watch a film strip now that's a little dated, but I think it gets the point across. [the lights go down and the projector starts plaing. The sound is really warped here]
[The Atlanta Board of Health Education AND The Jefferson County School System Ds 192 Present: BLOODY SUNDAY: The Dangers of MEMEING.]
Narrator:For many young people today, taking picture in silly poses has become a dangerous pastime. The latest meme has also become the most dangerous. It's called, Tebowing. [two boys are walking though their neighborhood] This is Ryan and Barkley. They're about to learn just how dangerous Tebowing can be.
Ryan:[blond] Hey, here's a good place. I'll do it right here.
Barkley:[black] I don't know, Ryan. Are you sure this is a good idea?
Ryan:[gets onto some train tracks between two cul-de-sacs] Stop being a scaredy cat. It'll just take a second. [goes into a Tebow pose - The Thinker, genuflecting] How could I get hurt?
Barkley:[prepares to take a picture on his phone] Okay. Hold still. [they both hear a train horn] What's that?
Ryan:[looks at the train] No! No! [looks at Barkley] Noooo! [gets back into the pose] Nonononono! Noooo! [looks at one cul-de-sac, then at Barkley, then gets back into the pose]
Barkley:EHHHHHHH! [The train bears down and smashes Ryan to bits, blood landing on Barkley. The class isn't fazed by this at all, except for Butters, who's scared out of his mind.] Ryan!
Ryan:[only his head remains] Learn from me!
[Next short film: A couple is driving home at night]
Girlfriend:This sure is a nice car, Tommy. Would you like to... [offers him her phone] get a picture of me Tebowing in it?
Tommy:Sure. [takes the phone from her and she poses. A train horn is heard behind them. Tommy hesitates] What is that?
Girlfriend:Oh my God! It's coming!
Tommy:God nooo! [quickly gets out of the car]
Girlfriend:Agh! Tom, take the picture!
Girlfriend:Agh! Tommy! Did you take the picture?!
Tommy:Oh no wait! Hold on! [tries to get the camera ready. The train is coming on fast]
Girlfriend:Nurry! Hur-ry!
Girlfriend:AAAAAA! [the train smashes through her, decapitating her. Her head lands in a nearby field] Aaaaaghgh.
[Next short film: Two youngmen are by a grafitti mural. One is on the ground looking up at his friend, who is Tebowing on top of the mural]
Friend:Be careful up there, Pete.
Pete:Just go on and take the picture! [just as the friend prepares to take the picture, a train barrels through the mural, sweeping Pete away. His friend is knocked to the ground, but is uninjured.]
Narrator:These youth paid with their lives for Tebowing. When they posed for pictures, they should have remembered there are only three approved memes. Peace sign, bunny ears, fake wiener. Maybe you think this doesn't apply to you. Maybe you think your memes are safe. [close-up] Or maybe you're all watching this sometime in the future, an dTebowing has been replaced by some other meme. Well if you are watching this in the future, get off your flying cell phone scooters and THINK. Just remember, [singers pipe in as more pictures appear] Use approved poses if you wanna be a memer. Peace sign, bunny ears, fake wiener.
[End credits: A presentation of the Jefferson County Educational Council. Copyright © 2010 - All rights reserved.]
[The end of the school day. The kids pour out of school]
Cartman:[yawns loudly] God that was boring.
Kenny:(Tell me about it.)
Kyle:So, w-what do you guys wanna do now?
Cartman:Well there's that nice French cafe downtown; maybe we should get some Faith Hilling pictures there.
Stan:Oh, that's a good idea.
Butters:What?? You mean you guys still plan on Faith Hiliing, after what we just saw?!
Cartman:Butters, Faith Hilling defines our generation.
Butters:Well count me out!
Kyle:You're gonna give up on Faith Hilling just like that, Butters? How could you?!
Butters:...Well I'm scared.
Craig:[returns] Hey, did you guys see today's newspaper?
Cartman:Why would we look at a newspaper, retard?!
Craig:You guys made the front page. [their faces suddenly light up]
Cartman:Really?? [they run off, leaving Craig and butters behind]
[A liquor store. Stan gets there first and spots the newspaper. The others soon enter]
Stan:Dude, we are on the front page!
Kenny:(That's fucking awesome, dude!)
Stan:Can we got the Denver Post please? [hands the clerk two dollars and gets the paper. He looks at the picture of Cartman Faith Hilling]
Cartman:[eagerly] What's it say, wha's it say??
Stan:It say- oh- Oh no... It says Faith Hilling is now all like... 2000-late.
Cartman:What? Let me see that! [grabs the paper and sees for himself]
Kyle:How can that be? Already?
Stan:[takes back the paper] Public reaction was that the stunt pulled off by five elementary school students was not only dangerous and disruptive, but also completely pas-sé. [looking confused]
Kyle:How can we be passé? We're only in fourth grade.
Stan:"Faith Hilling is pretty stale," said Republican candidate Newt Gringrich. "If they had crashed the debate by Taylor Swifting, THAT would have been impressive."
Cartman:Taylor Swifting? The fuck is htat?
[A news report. Pictures of people walking on their hands, with their legs wrapped around their arms and their pants down low enough for their asses to fully be seen are shown. Cartman is clicking through them in his room via image search. Behind him are the other three boys, and behind them all is Mr. Kitty.]
Stan:That's all it is?
Cartman:You pull down your pants and wipe your butt along the ground like an old dog. [clicks through some more pictures]
Kyle:But that's stupid. How can that replace Faith Hilling? It doesn't even make any sense!
Cartman:I can't believe people take the time to do this garbage! This has to be stopped, you guys!
[Café Monet, day. A boy scoots down the sidewalk on his ass, then stops and looks at three other kids. One of those kids is filming him on a cell phone. Two girls look at the cell phone image. Café Monet is part of an outdoor mall]
Camera Boy:Okay, hold it there. Pi- Okay, that's good. Don't move! [Cartman walks into the show, Faith Hilling. The scooting boy's smile disappears and he scoots a bit more, then stops]
Cartman:Ahem. How's this Kyle? This good?
Kyle:[filming him on a cell phone] Yep, that's great. [Stan and Kenny are there too]
Cartman:Cool, now if you could view good love nodes.
Scooting Boy:Hey, what are you doing?!
Cartman:Faith Hilling. Why don't you get the fuck out of here?
Camera Boy:Oh God! Faith Hilling is so February 2012!
Stan:Saying something is so 2000 and anything is so 2000 and nine, you stupid asswipe!
Scooting Boy:Come on you guys, it's not worth it! We can do our Taylor Swifting somewhere else! [cartman watches him scoot away, then walks up to block him from getting filmed] Knock it off!
Cartman:Why don't you make me?! [the scoting boy kicks him first, then he comes back with a series of punches to the boy's face. Stan and Kyle take the camera boy and beat him up, Kenny goes after the two girls and beats them up]
[South Park Elementary, day. The safety education instructor is back, this time with a gun. He puts a bullet in the barrel and spins the barrel around a few times, then closes the gun]
Instructor:Yesterdy afternoon four kids went to the hospital from injuries resulting from memeing in front of a local café. [Cartman looks over at Stan and Kyle, who look back] Faith Hilling, Taylor Swifting, these are things that are going to get you killed! [takes the gun and plants it right in front of Butters] That's a loaded 38. How many of you think it's a smart idea to put a loaded 38 on a 9-year-old's desk? Well if safety doesn't matter to you, go ahead. Pick the gun up.
Butters:Uh, that's okay, uh I think that-
Instructor:PICK THE GUN UP! You might as well! Swifting and Hilling are like playing with a loaded gun! Now, do you all understand my point?
Class:Yes sir!
Instructor:Good. Now put the gun in your mouth.
Instructor:Hey! You're following plankers and Tebowers, so put a loaded gun in your mouth! DO IT! [slowly, Butters takes the gun and puts it in his mouth. He spends the rest of the episode in this position, even staying in school overnight] Everybody take a good look! This is what you're doing every time you play with Internet memes! YOU ARE PLAYING ROULETTE WITH YOUR FUCKING LIFE!
Expert 1:Ahem. [the instructor looks over at him] Professor Lamont? We need to talk. [this man has a partner]
Instructor:I'll be right back. [leaves with the other men]
[The school gym, moments later. Lamont and the two men walk to a table with three chairs waiting for them.]
Expert 1:You're an expert on meme's Professor Lamont?
Instructor:Yes. What is this about?!
Expert 2:[opens up his netbook] We need your expertise, sir.
Expert 1:Have you ever heard of anothe species memeing on the Internet?
Instructor:Another species? What are you talking about?!
Expert 2:We were hoping perhaps you could help us understand... this. [turns his netbook around to show pictures of cats framed in bread cutouts. Lamont leans in to get a closer look at the pictures] Cats have started to put pictures of themselves on the Internet, with bread around their heads. "Cat-breading," it's called. It's just such an odd thing to do, we thought maybe you could explain it to us.
Instructor:[analyzing] They're evolving. Cats are evolving!
Expert 2:Sorry?
Instructor:There are two ways a species evolves: phsically, from genes, and culturally, from memes. Just like genes, memes replicate, mutate, and adapt.
Expert 1:We're, we're having a little trouble following you here.
Instructor:[brings out an old leather-bound book] Look: in the '70s there was Fonzieing, which replacced the outdated mustaching. In the '60s, cultural ideas were passed on by everybody poodle fisting, but even that evolved from people ass-wedging in the '40s. Even before photographs, people memed for portraits, all the way back to the Egyptians, who had pictures of themselves painted donkey-dicking.
Expert 1:You're saying that now cats are showing signs of evolution with their cat-breading meme?
Instructor:If cats are putting slices of bread on their heads and taking pictures, they're proving to be almost as intelligent as we are. [Butters is still in the room, hoping for someone to come and tell him to put the gun down]
[Cartman's room, day. Mr. Kitty waits on his scratching post for Cartman, who soon enters with his friends. Stan and Kyle have their arms crossed.]
Cartman:[opens uo his laptop] Mr. Kitty, Do you mind explaining this?! [Mr. Kitty just looks at him] You wanna tell me why you're putting pictures of yourself on the Internet, with bread around your face?! [Mr. Kitty just looks at him] That is a bad kitty! BAD! You are taking the idea of Faith Hilling and making it stupid! BAD kitty! [walks up to the cat and beats him with a fake rose on a metal stem] BAD Mr. Kitty! Bad. Bad! [Mr. Kitty takes a swipe at him, causing Stan and Kyle to uncross their arms] Bad kitty! No more memeing! []turns around and walks out Come on guys! [turns around again...] Bad Mr. Kitty! Biggy!
[Ouside Cartman's house. The boys leave the house and walk to the sidewalk]
Stan:Well I'm glad we took care of that.
Kyle:Yeah. So waht do you guys wanna do now?
Cartman:I was thinking maybe doing some Faith Hilling over at that place that thtey do AA meetings.
Stan:Oh that's a cool idea.
Kenny:[makes his body limp] (Pffft. A;right, fuck you, Stan.) [turns to his right and walks off]
Kyle:Well what's the matter, Kenny?
Kenny:(I don't know. It just seems... pointless.)
Stan:What seems pointless?
Kenny:(That Faith Hilling is going out of style!)
Kyle:Hey! [the guys walk up to Kenny] Faith Hilling is not out of style, alright?!
Kenny:(Well ...)
Stan:No! No! No! These stupid fads are only that, okay?! We can't give into this crowd!
Cartman:Don't give u on Faith Hilling, Kenny. Don't you give up on her.
[Breaking News. The news anchor is shown with a picture of a skull and crossbones. Above and to the left are the words "MEME DEATH"]
News Anchor:Two Boulder children died today while Oh-Long-Johnsoning in a batting cage. Oh-Long-Johnsoning is of course the latest Internet meme which involves putting one's self in a risky situation and then seeing how many times you can say "Oh Long Johnson" on video before getting out of the way.
[a video of the two boys in action. A pitching robot is rated for 100 mph and is sending pitches towards the batter.]
Teen 1:[walks into view] You ready? You ready?
Teen 2:[outside the batting cage] I'm recording. Go!
Teen 1:[hops into the line of fire as pitches whiz by] Oh Long Johnson! Oh Long Johnson! Oh Long Johnson! Oh-Oh Long- [a pitch smacks him down]
Teen 2:Larry! [tries to get into the batting cage]
[back to the news report]
News Anchor:This latest Internet meme is shocking, but most shocking of all is thte person who started the meme isn't a person at all, but a cat, who seems to have no regard for people's safety. [the "Oh Long Johnson" clip is played. The anchor returns, with a picture of the cat over his shoulder and the word "ARRESTED" stamped on it] The cat is now under arrest and awaiting trial for its part in the teenagers' deaths.
[Café Monet, day. The walkway is clear. A few second later Stan comes in Taylor Swifting and Oh Long Johnsoning at the same time]
Stan:Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson.
Camera Boy:[the four kids are back, having only stayed in the hospital a day or two. The boy is filming] Yeah that's good. Now go back the other way.
Stan:Oh Long Johnson. Oh Lo- [suddenly notices Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny]
Cartman:Dude, what's going on?
Stan:[quickly stands up and pulls up his pants] Oh hey hey guys. How's it going?
Kyle:We thought you were meeting us at Cartman's! What are you doing here, Taylor Swifting?!
Camera Boy:He's not Taylor Swifting. That's old stuff.
Stan:Yeah, now you do it while seeing how many times you can say "Oh Long Johnson." I thought I'd just, you know, tr-try it out.
Cartman:Guys, remember when we heard about that Pollock with one testicle in the Rrevolutionary War? What was his name?
Kyle:Benedict Arnold!
Stan:Oh come onh. You guys need to realize that FaithHilling is over! Okay?! You can pretend all you want, but it's not coming back! [Kenny loses his anger and hangs his head]
Kenny:(I'm sorry guys. Faith Hilling is just... a stupid fad, right?)
Camera Boy:If you guys wanna keep Faith Hilling, I'm sure people are still doing it at the old folks' home. [he and his friends walk away]
Stan:You'll like this, Kenny. Pull down your pants. [Kenny does so and immediately starts Taylor swifting]
Kyle:You guys are sellouts!
Cartman:[restraining him] Come on Kyle.
Kyle:You're freakin' sellouts!
Cartman:It's okay man, come on. [escorts Kyle away while Stan and Kenny walk away in the opposite direction]
[An interrogation room somewhere]
Instructor:What the hell do you think you're doing?! Do you have any idea that when you play around with memes, you're playing with fire?!
Talking Cat:[the Oh Long Johnson cat, truly under arrest and put in a cage with two padlocks on it] ...Oh Long Johnson.
Instructor:Oh, verrry funny! People are dying out there! Is that what you want?! [the cat speaks] DO YOU CATS WANT A WAR?! BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA GET!! [the cat speaks]
[KCBR Channel Five field report]
Reporter 1:Long ago, there was Tebowing, which evolved into Faith Hilling. But the latest memeing craze, Swift Johnsoning, may now also have its rival. A brand new meme, where people video themselves wearing trenchcoats and talking about the dangers of memeing. They call it "reporting." And safety officials say it's a dangerous, and potentially fatal- [train horns sound from a distance. The reporter turns to look] Ohhh! [turns back to the camera] Oh Long Johnson! [turns around as the train draws near] Oh Long Johnson! [the train smashes through him]
[South Park Elementary, night. Butters is still in the small classroom with the gun in his mouth. He's getting sleepy. He startles himself away and looks around in a panic, but then gets sleepy again.]
[Outside Planned Parenthood, day. Cartman sits on the curb Faith Hilling. Kyle is filming]
Kyle:Yeah. Ye-haha, that's cool. Bring the left titty up some more? Yeah. Yeah, freeze there. [a man and boy walk by. The boy has an all-day sucker]
Boy:What are those boys doing, daddy?
Dad:Oh, I think they're Faith Hilling, Bobby. It's a little before your time.
Bobby:How droll. [they walk away. Cartman watches them leave. Kyle gazes at the ground]
Cartman:Get a couple facing the other way, bro. [gets into position]
Kyle:Yehah, good idea.
Doctor:[sees them, then leaves the clinic] Hey, you kids Faith Hilling in front of my clinic?! 'Cause I got a couple patients in here could use a good time machine. GET IT? [laughs and goes back inside. A car horn is heard]
Driver:Go back to the '90s! Tiguuuts! [peels away. Now both Cartman and Kyle are thoroughly embarassed. Kyle walks up to Cartman and sits next to him]
Kyle:We gotta face it, Cartman.
Cartman:[stops Faith Hilling] I know. I know, Kyle.
Kyle:I really thought it was gonna last.
Cartman:I guess the only thing that doesn't change in life... is that things change. [begins to cry, but quickly wipes away the tears and plays it off] The sun hurts my eyes.
Kyle:It wasn't like Faith Hilling was THAT great, I mean...
Cartman:Nono, it was kind of stupid, really.
Kyle:Ih it's good that it became something else.
Cartman:A-a-and we'll have a blast doing... the new stuff. [a few seconds of silence follow, then they both sigh]
[Breaking News. The news anchor is shown with a picture of a cat wearing a slice of bread as a necklace]
News Anchor:Household cats have evolved into a species as intelligent as humans. Will this mean war between our two life forms. In an attempt to try and communicate with the leader of cats, experts have sent in the ambassador of people.
[Inside the interrogation room]
Talking Cat:Oh Long Johnson.
Ambassador:Meooww. Meooww.
Talking Cat:Oh Long John.
Ambassador:Long Johngson.
Talking Cat:Oh Long Johnson.
Ambassador:Oh Long Johnson.
Talking Cat:Oh Long Taaaano.
Ambassador:Oh Long Taaaano.
Talking Cat:Oh Lonlolo
Ambassador:Oh Dong Piaaaano.
Talking Cat:Oh Lonlololeh
Ambassador:Oh lolenlodeh. [the cat talks, but the ambassador talks over him] Ohhh lohhdodeh- don taaano.
[Outside the interrogation room. The ambassador exits the room to talk to Lamnot and the two men he came with]
Ambassador:I'm not sure, but I think it said war between our species is inevitable. That evolution cannot be stopped and the cats will rise. It said we canot coexist. And then it said "Oh dong piaaaano." And then something about seeing the streets of human cities run red with the blood of their children.
[near Café Monet, day. Mr. Kitty is being filmed wearing a slice of bread around its head. Cartman is holding him up]
Stan:Okay, that's good. A little higher. [Cartman lifts him a bit higher]
Cartman:[in Taylor Swifting position] Okay, kewl. I'm gonna go left to right, is that good?
Kyle:Yehah, that's awesome!
Cartman:Alright, here we-
Mr. Kitty:Meow.
Cartman:Nno, kitty, you gotta keep quiet.
Mr. Kitty:Meow.
Cartman:NO KITTY, THAT'S A BAD KITTY. [the four kids from earlier stop by]
Camera Boy:Whoa, what's this?
Kyle:Huwhat, have you been living under a rock? This is the new meme. Cat-breaded-Taylor-Swift-reoprting.
Stan:Alright, go Cartman.
Cartman:[starts cat-breaded-Taylor-Swift-reoprting] Taylor Swift is dangerous! Taylor Swift is dangerous!
Girl 1:That's pretty cool.
Stan:Yeah it's cool. It's awesome.
Kyle:It's super awesome!
Cartman:Yeah yeah, we got it down you guys. Think we're ready for the big time. [Mr. Kitty starts meowing and Cartman stops] SHUT UP KITTY!!!
[The Republican debate is now a Cat/Republican debate]
Reporter 2:With the inevitable species war looming, our country's brightest leaders have come together to debate and reason with the ambassador of cats. It's called "puttywhistling," and the question on everyone's mind, who will be the first person to die from it? [Ron Paul has been replaced by the talking cat]
Mitt Romney:Wa-well, you know I ran for President. This was the position I described when I ran four years ago. I wrote a book, laid out my position. I actually agreed, I think, with what you just said.
Rick Santorum:If you want to be an American, the first thing you should do is respect our laws and obey our laws.
Newt Gingrich:Very simple question: How big a scale of change do we want in Washington? [the cat begins talking and the debate comtinues. The camera pans across the audience again and lands on Stan.]
Stan:Foxtrot standing by at position alpha.
Kyle:Copy Foxtroty. Let's fly in the goods, Tango. [Kenny goes to a bathroom stall, pulls off the tank lid, and gets a breaded Mr. Kitty out of there]
Kenny:(This is Tango. I've got the goods.) [leaves the stall with Mr. Kitty]
Kyle:Standing by in three seconds. Two. One. Go Cartman!
Cartman:Let's do this.
[Kenny comes in from the left side and Cartman from the right. They meet up at the center aisle and Cartman takes Mr. Kitty from Kenny. Cartman runs down the aisle and onto the stage with breaded Mr. Kitty. Cartman reaches center stage grinning, and puts down his pants to start cat-breaded-Taylor-Swift-reoprting. The candidates and talking cat fall silent. Stan is ready to record. Cartman's grin vanishes and he mulls things over.]
Kyle:Cartman? Go Cartman.
Stan:Come on dude, hurry.
Cartman:[his mind is made up] No. NOOO! I won't do it! I won't do it, do you hear me?! I'm better than this. [sets Mr. Kitty aside] And the hell with you, Mr. Kitty! You're a BAD KITTY! Bad! BAD KITTY! [faces the audience] It's time somebody stood up and did the right thing. [snaps his fingers a few times and starts Faith Hilling]
Kyle:Yeah. do it, Cartman. [music starts]
Cartman:All right football night whattaya do?
Get out your camel and a boobie or two!
We've gotta get serious while doin' our rhyme.
Come on everybody, it's Faith Hillin' Time!
[While Cartman is singing]
Man 3:Have you ever seen Faith Hilling that good?
[The music bridge follows. Members of the audience began to stand and Faith Hill]
Cartman:Dancin', rappin', titties flappin', where aer you? [the candidates leave their podiums, throw away their jackets, and join Cartman in Faith Hilling]
This is the only memeing I'll ever do!
Talking Cat:Oh Long Johnson
Cartman:Is a meme I won't buy. [Kyle and Kenny join Stan in the audience. Butters is dancing along, somehow hearing the music]
'Cause I'm Faith Hillin' till the day I die!
Reporter 2:And so in the face of war, a little boy reminds us all what being huan really means. The message is unclear, but it doesn't matter. As long as you give the audience a song, celebrity bashing, and Republican hopefuls dancing around with boobies. It's called "pandering," and all over the country people are- [hears a train horn, then sees the light] Oh! Oh Long Johns- [the train barrels through him]
[End of Faith Hilling.]