Stan
Kyle
Cartman
Butters
Clyde
Craig
Announcer
Betsy MacIntosh
Child singers
Dean Howland
Martha and Mr. Donovan
Mr. Peters
Ms. Williams
Postman
Postmaster
Sarah McLachlan
Secretary
Singer
Denny's Waiter
Phillip
| [A golden Buddha is shown in a garden. Around him are smaller Buudhas, most of which are golden as well. In front of all this are Terranace and Phillip, dressed in saffron cloth. Terrance farts on Phillip and Stan and Kyle laugh. They are watching an episode of the Terrance and Phillip show.] | |
| Phillip: | That one was smelly. Take this dolly, Terrance [farts so hard that pieces of cloth - or poop - lands on Terrance. Terrance and Phillip laugh, Stan and Kyle laugh] |
| Kyle: | [through his laughter] Duhude, this is probably the best episode they've ever done! |
| Stan: | I know! This is awesome! |
| Kyle: | I'm so happy! [wipes off the tip of his nose] |
| Announcer: | Terrance and Phillip will be right back after these messages. [a commercial comes on] |
| Singer: | So much sufferin'... [continues singing in the background. Pictures of babies in bad shape begin to appear] |
| Kyle: | Oh no! It's that [puts up his right hand to block his view, shuts his eyes and looks away]super-sad Sarah McLachlan commercial! Look away! |
| Stan: | What? |
| Kyle: | Dude, this is the saddest commercial ever! Don't watch! [a baby tries to get his bearing in order to crawl, but slowly collapses. Another one looks in a mirror, then lowers his hed] |
| Sarah McLachlan: | These are images of babies born addicted to crack cocaine. Their mothers have abandoned them. They lie in the dark, crying, with nobody to hold them. |
| Stan: | Aw dude, that's so sad. [puts up his right hand and looks away] |
| Kyle: | Why do they have to put this on TV?! [a nurse carries a baby in order to calm him down] |
| Sarah McLachlan: | Their world is bleak, lonely, and hopeless. [McLachlan is finally shown] Hello, I'm Sarah McLachlan, and I was famous for two months. Each year, thousands of babies are born addicted to crack and lie in hospitals without a mother to hold them. [more pictures are shown] Won't you volunteer today? Look at these pictures. They need you. |
| Stan: | Awww dude, awwww. |
| Kyle: | Aaaggh, God. |
| Sarah McLachlan: | Please. Go to your local hospital now. Here are some more pictures. [one of a baby with two boils on his face, another one of a sickly baby crawling] |
| Kyle: | I can't take it anymore! I gotta go volunteer, dude! [runs off, leaving Stan on the sofa looking away] |
| [Colorado Medical Center, day. A nurse walks down the hall with Kyle] | |
| Nurse: | It's a really great thing you're doing. We have so many abandoned babies and not enough people like yourself who care. |
| Kyle: | What exactly can I do to help? |
| Nurse: | Just hold them, talk to them, play with them. You'll find they're so hungry for attention. Here's our crack baby ward now. [a large room full of baby cribs] I know it isn't much but, we don't have a lot of funding, you see. |
| Kyle: | Oh it's, it's so sad. |
| Nurse: | Come, come, right over here. [leads him to a therapy room] We have a decent room here where you can play with the babies and nurture them. It's actually really great you're volunteering now, because our other little boy volunteer is just finishing up. [the door opens and out walks Cartman] |
| Cartman: | Oh. Hey Kyle. |
| Kyle: | [at first surprised, now suspicious] What are you doing here? |
| Cartman: | I'm volunteering. |
| Kyle: | [remains suspicious] ...What are you doing here?! |
| Cartman: | [firmly] I'm volunteering my time, Kyle. |
| Nurse: | Young Eric has been here every day for the past two weeks, bless his heart. |
| Kyle: | Why do you have a video camera? |
| Cartman: | I'm volunteering, Kyle! It just so happens Sarah McLachlan touched my heart. Is that so hard to believe?! [to the nurse] Goodbye, Ms. Williams. See you tomorrow. [walks away] |
| Ms. Williams: | Bye, Eric. [Kyle just watches as Cartman goes to the elevator and closes its doors behind him] |
| Kyle: | I'm sorry, can I come bacck in just a little bit? |
| Ms. Williams: | Certainly. We're... here all the time, unfortunately. |
| Kyle: | Thanks. [walks to a window looking over a parking lot. The nurse walks off in the opposite direction] |
| [As Kyle watches, Cartman walks through the parking lot and meets Craig. Cartman looks over his shoulder on his way to meet Craig. Kyle decides to follow them and takes the next elevator down. Cartman and Craig stop on the sidewalk around the medical center. Cartman checks his watch as if he's waiting for someone. Day has turned to evening. Kyle hides in the shadows and looks on. Clyde walks up to Cartman and Craig, who has a camera of his own. The three of them chat a bit, then walk away laughing. Kyle keeps his distance, but follows them nonetheless. Cartman, Craig, and Clyde walk up to a slender building in town, next to Ton's Rhinoplasty, and enter it. Kyle arrives a couple of second laster. He enters as well and climbs up some stairs, but doesn't reach the second floor. Instead, he stays a few steps from the top and watches as Cartman, Craig, and Clyde put some mini-VHS tapes on a table for Butters. Butters, typing away on a computer, becomes a video editor, splicing videos from their tapes together.] | |
| Kyle: | What's going on?! |
| Butters: | [startled] Wuuuuhhhhhh! [falls off the chair] |
| Cartman: | Ah, crap! [rolls his eyes] |
| [moments later, Cartman, Craig, Clyde, and Butters sit at a table in the slender building and look at Kyle] | |
| Cartman: | Okay Kyle, you caught us. I admint we aren't actually doing volunteer work at the hospital. |
| Kyle: | So what are you doing?! |
| Cartman: | What if I were to tell you there's a way to help those poor babies born addicted to crack, and give them a future as well. |
| Kyle: | Alright, what is it?! |
| Cartman: | Crack baby basketball. [Kyle pushes his chair away from the table, gets up, and begins to leave] Whow, whoa Kyle, don't tell on us! [Kyle reaches the staurs] We could actually really use you! |
| Kyle: | Why do you need me? |
| Cartman: | Because we need a Jew to do the bookkeeping. [Kyle heads downstairs] Damnit! [Kyle leaves the building; Cartman races down the stairs to catch up to him] Kyle, wait I- [Kyle slams the door shut and walks away. Cartman opens it and catches up to Kyle] Kyle, hold on a second! |
| Kyle: | I knew you were doing something terrible! |
| Cartman: | What's terrible, Kyle?! We fill a little ball with crack, we let the crack babies fight over it, and we put it up on the Internet! Who cares?! |
| Kyle: | Lots of people will when I tell them! |
| Cartman: | We made a thousand dollars in eleven days. [Kyle stops walking, then turns around] |
| Kyle: | Yuo what? |
| Cartman: | Ask the guys. There's six hospitals within a ten-mile radius, and all we do is pit the crack babies against each other with a liiittle ball of crack. |
| Kyle: | A thousand dollars. |
| Cartman: | Dude, this thing is huge. And it doesn't hurt the crack babies at all. We're swimming in cash, Kyle. Let me take you out to Denny's. It's Baconalia time. |
| [Denny's, night. Cartman leads the other four to Denny's. He opens the door for them] | |
| Cartman: | After you. [the other four enter.] |
| Kyle: | There's a big wait to sit down. |
| Waiter: | Ah, Mr. Cartman. We have your table waiting, sir. |
| Cartman: | Come on. [the other boys follow] |
| [a table. The boys are seated and enjoying their meals] | |
| Cartman: | We started with two crack babies and a camera. Butters did all the Internet stuff. We've built up to a thousand hits a day. |
| Kyle: | Jesus Christ. |
| Craig: | It's awesome. |
| Cartman: | It's a good life, Kyle. We've come here every night for Denny's Baconalia specials. |
| Butters: | Every single night. |
| Cartman: | Look at the menu. Bacon inside pancakes, bacon meatloaf, they even have a bacon sundae for dessert. |
| Kyle: | Wow... |
| [In the back seat of a limo] | |
| Cartman: | We are turning this thing into a legitimate sport, Kyle. We're getting Slash to start playing at halftime. And EA Sports is offering us a hundred thousand for the video game rights. |
| [In a recording studio. Butters is rapping and dancing to a teleprompter] | |
| Butters: | I like that boom boom pow Them chicks be jackin my style They try and copy my swagger Im on that next shit now Im so 3008 You so 2000 and late I got that boom boom boom That future boom boom boom Let me get it now |
| Cartman: | You've got a constant flow of athletes that never dries up, Kyle. And best of all, it's all charity, so it's tax free. [Kyle is about to give in, but still has his doubts. He look down and away] |
| [Back in the slender building, day. Cartman and Kyle can be seen through the second-story window] | |
| Cartman: | Put your office right here, Kyle. All of South Park walking by, looking up at you. |
| Kyle: | [turns away from the window and walks a few steps] And it actually helps the crack babies. It's like volunteering but, but we just make a little on the side. |
| Cartman: | Somebody's gotta eat all that bacon, Kyle. Might as well be us. Welcome to the firm. [pats Kyle on the shoulder and walks away. Kyle walks back to the window and looks out over the street below. He smiles] |
| [Some boys are in Stan's backyard playing catch with a football. Seen are Jason, Token, Jimmy, Timmy, and Stan. Token stands next to Stan] | |
| Stan: | Go long, Token! Go go! [Token runs across the yard. Stan throws the ball and Token catches it] |
| Kyle: | Hey Stan. Dude, I want you to have this. It's the twenty bucks I owed you plus thirty dollars interest. |
| Stan: | Wow, really? [takes the money and starts counting it] |
| Kyle: | I got a job, Stan. I am making tons of money doing some really cool stuff. |
| Stan: | Doing what? |
| Kyle: | Crack baby... basketball. |
| Stan: | [somewhat startled] ...Dude. |
| Kyle: | No no, it's n-it's not like it sounds. Here, check it out. [leads Kyle inside and to his room, then gets on the computer and goes to a Web site.] See look, we just video the babies fighting over a ball full of crack. It's really gettig popular! [soon, babies are heard. Kyle is showing Stan one of the Crack Baby Fight videos] I mean it, it's cool because like the commercial said, the crack babies had nothing before. [Stan stays quiet] It, it's great, because everyone wins, you know? You see that? Two million hits. [Stan stays quiet] Did you know they're putting bacon inside of pancakes at Denny's? |
| [A run-down little white house in the poor part of town. Cartman and Butters approach it and knock on the front door. A pregnant woman answers it.] | |
| Cartman: | Betsy MacIntosh? |
| Betsy MacIntosh: | Whatta you want? |
| Cartman: | We heard about you through the Passages Sobriety Clinic? They said you've skipped out on your rehab once again? |
| Betsy MacIntosh: | Oh Gohhhd. |
| Cartman: | We need to speak with you, ma'am. [she allows them to come in, and they sit on the sofa while she sits in the armchair.] |
| Betsy MacIntosh: | It's like these voices in my head won't be quiet until I use again. |
| Cartman: | And so am I correct that you are eight and a half months pregnant and still addicted to cocaine? |
| Betsy MacIntosh: | I don't want my baby born addicted to drugs! But I can't stop! [begins to cry] |
| Cartman: | [looks at Butters and smiles] Well ma'am, I have some exciting news. [takes his briefcase and opens it, taking out a letter] We would like your child to play for the Crack Baby Athletic Association. [Butters claps in approval] |
| Betsy MacIntosh: | [takes the letter and reads it] The what? |
| Cartman: | We believe that St. Mary's is the best hospital for your child, and we're prepared to offer it a full ride. Now, do you know yet if your child is male or female, or so deforemd you'll never be able to tell? |
| Betsy MacIntosh: | They said it's a boy. |
| Cartman: | [holds out a pen] Just sign the paper and he'll be playing ball for St. Mary's. |
| Betsy MacIntosh: | How much will he make? |
| Cartman: | Well, nothing. Crack baby players can't make a salary, based on the rules. |
| Betsy MacIntosh: | So what? You would make money off of my child? That doesn't seem fair. |
| Cartman: | I don't make the rules, ma'am, I just think them up and write them down. Now, if you'll be willing to sign right here we can get things rolling on the- |
| Betsy MacIntosh: | Cain't you change the rules? |
| Cartman: | Rgh! Ma'am, the Crack Baby Athletic Association is a storied franchise. It was founded over twelve days ago, with a firm ethical code that strictly states "benefits to players is detrimentalized to their well-being." I cannot offer you or your child any cash. I can however offer you a little bit of crack. Butters? [Butters siles, reaches for his briefcase, and opens it] |
| [Stan's living room. Stan is on the sofa playing a video game. Kyle enters, walks up to Stan, looks down at the floor, and picks up where he left off] | |
| Kyle: | Dude, what actually makes total sense about it, if you look at it, is that the crack babies are finally getting some attention AND the care that they need. [glances at Stan] Yeah. It's pretty cool, dude. Because most of these babies would normally not even get out, you know? Huh, or be able to do anything. [glances at Stan again] Just because we are making money doesn't mean that those babies aren't benifiting. It isn't exploiting them. They're finding a useful place in society. What's so unethical about that? [glances at Stan and waits a bit longer for a reply] |
| Stan: | ...You sound like Cartmam. |
| Kyle: | [puts his right hand on his stomach as if punched there] Ooogh. Dude, the thing is, we're not the ones that made them crack babies. That's their moms' goddamned fault! |
| Stan: | Yeah, I'm sure that's what Cartman would say too. |
| Kyle: | I do not sound like Cartman goddamnit! [frightens himself and glances at Stan, then look away] Okay, so, see ya. [goes out the front door and closes it behind him] |
| [The slender building, day. Butters is at a desk waiting for calls. Cartman is in his corner office talking to someone on his phone] | |
| Cartman: | It's the easiest thing in the world! How could you guys have screwed this up?! [] All I asked you to do was to get Slash to play at half time for the matchup between the crack babies at Cedars-Sinai NCU! |
| Clyde: | We're just having a hard time finding him. |
| Cartman: | [slams his fists on the table] Slash is not hard to find! He'll show up to play anywhere if you pay him! He played at my eighth birthday party, for Christ's sake! Look! Look! He's playing at Lakewood Mall right now! [a shot of Slash on the TV on the wall] Now you guys get down there- [the phone rings] Oh crap, the president of EA Sports is calling. Just go! Go! [Craig and Clyde turn around and leave] Mr. Peters, how are you? Yes sir, we're very excited about our deal with you as well. [As Clyde and Craig go downstairs, Kyle comes upstairs. Kyle looks pissed as he stops at Cartman's desk] Oh, we know the videogame version of Crack Baby Basketball will be a big hit too. [softly] Hey Kyle. Have a seat. |
| Kyle: | I need to talk to you. [puts a folder down on the desk] |
| Cartman: | Mr. Peters, can I call you back? Our company accountant needs me. Yes, he is Jewish. Okay, thanks, Mr. Peters. Bye. [hangs up] How's it goin', man? |
| Kyle: | [opens the folder] In our deal with EA Sports we are giving them the right to use images of the crack babies and their names. But we aren't paying the crack babies. |
| Cartman: | They can't make money. It's against the rules. |
| Kyle: | But this video game can make a million dollars. We have to give the crack babies a piece of that. |
| Cartman: | Kyle, it says right there: Rule number 3. Crack baby players cannot receive compensation of any kind for their playing. |
| Kyle: | Gut they're the ones risking injury. |
| Cartman: | What do you want me to do, Kyle? Find a stepladder of some kind and risk my safety to get up there and change the rules?! |
| Kyle: | The government could come after us, Cartman. |
| Cartman: | We're a non-profit company, Kyle. |
| Kyle: | So then where did the eight hundred dollars we made from selling an Internet ad to Payless Shoe Source go? |
| Cartman: | Egh, to things we need to keep the office running, Kyle. Here, look. [shows him to the newest addition to the office] |
| Kyle: | A hot tub?! |
| Cartman: | It's not just a hot tub. Taste it. Go ahead, taste it. [Kyle goes up the steps, dips his finger into the liquid, and tastes it] |
| Kyle: | Gravy? |
| Cartman: | Kentucky Fried Chicken gravy. |
| Kyle: | No way. |
| Cartman: | A hot tub full of KFC gravy, Kyle. Did you ever think you would see that in your lifetime? [pretty soon they're both in the hot tub. A lot of McDonald's french fries sit behind them.] Kyle, as owners of this compnay, we owe it not only to ourselves, but to the crack babies to be as stress-free and clear-headed as possible. McDonald's french fries and KFC gravy. The French call this "poutaine." |
| Kyle: | I know, but dude, we can't license our games to EA Sports and pay the crack babies nothing. Slavery is illegal. |
| Cartman: | It's not illegal Kyle. Tell you what: I'll do some undercover work and find out how the other companies get away with it. |
| Kyle: | What other companies? |
| [One such company. The University of Colorado at Boulder, day. In an office, a middle-aged man is reading a documnet at his desk] | |
| Secretary: | [off-screen] Dean Howland, a representative from another prestigious institution is here to see you. |
| Dean Howland: | A what? Send him in. [the doors open and in walks Cartman, dressed as a Southern gentleman] |
| Cartman: | [speaking like a Georgia plantation owner] Helloo thear! The name is Eric P Cartman. I'm a well-respected owner in the slave trade. |
| Dean Howland: | In the what? |
| Cartman: | My peaches, what a wonderful office you got yourself heah. Certainly got yourself a luuucrative bidness, don't ye. Well let me get right down to it theyen. Like yourself, [opens a humidor and takes out a cigar] I am also in the slave trade. [takes a long whiff of the sealed cigar, then puts it into his inside coat pocket and pats it down] But at the moment I find myself in a little quandary with ligal issues. Was wonderin' if you could share some secrets. |
| Dean Howland: | I have... no idea what you're talkin' about. |
| Cartman: | [walks over to a picture of the UCB basketball team] You have some might strong-lookin' workers heah, sahr. I'd be willin' to offer you forty dollars for two of the white ones and fifty for the blacks. |
| Dean Howland: | Are you refering to our student athletes? |
| Cartman: | Student atholetes. Hoho, that is brilliant sahr. Now, when we sell their likeness for video games, how do we get around payin' for our slaves uh- "student atheletes" then? |
| Dean Howland: | Look, there are [catches his breath] good reasons why our student athletes cannot be paid, young man. |
| Cartman: | I ain't arguin'. If they got paid, then how did we make all owr money, right? |
| Dean Howland: | We do [slams his fist on his desk] not own slaves, and we have no desire to own slaves. |
| Cartman: | But of course you own slaves, because, oh... riiight. [clears his throat] Of couse you don't have desire to own slaves, son, neither do I. And if there was any government agency listenin' in on this heah conversation, they should know that we'er not talkin' 'bout slave ownership. Gaauu. [waits a few seconds, then takes off his hat and softly says] Alright, so now, how do you get around not paying your slaves. |
| Dean Howland: | Get out! This is a prestigious university and I am not saying one more word to you! |
| Cartman: | You think you can do whatever you want 'cause your corporation is a university?! [walks towards the entrance and opens the door] This country was founded on the idea that one corporation couldn't hog all the slaves, while the rest of us wallow in poverteh! Screw you sahr, I'm goin' home! [walks out and closes the door] |
| [Stan's bedroom, night. Stan is sleeping. It's a rare night that he sleeps without his hat on, but this is one of those nights. He opens his eyes, closes them, opens them again, and stirs. He seems to have heard something behind him, so he turns over and sees Kyle standing in the middle of his room, talking to himself.] | |
| Kyle: | Here's the thing: Whether or not I'm a part of it, crack baby basketball is popular. Somebody's going to do it. So the only way for me to try and help the situation is to be involved in it, so that I can steer things in a direction that is more beneficial to the actual crack babies. [Stan just blinks, still half-awake. Kyle turns and looks at him] Oh, it's sooo easy for you, isn't it? I mean, what do you have to do except lay there and think about what you did at school today, or what you want to watch on TV tomorrow? Well sorry, Skippy, but the world isn't always black and white! Just because some people are born poorer than others doesn't mean I can't enjoy a few McDonald's french fries in a hot tub of gravy from Kentucky Fried Chicken! |
| Stan: | [blinks sleepily] McDonald's french fries in a hot tub of... KFC gravy? |
| Kyle: | It happens to be called poutine in Montreal! [turns around and walks out] |
| [The slender building, day. Cartman is chewing out someone on the phone] | |
| Cartman: | How hard can it be, Clyde?! You walk up to Slash when he's playing at the mall and you offer him a deal! |
| Clyde: | We must have just missed him. He was playing at Cherry Creek mall and then Flat Irons mall. Now we don't know where to go because Slash is playing the Pavilion in Colorado Springs in the Gigadome in Moscow later this afternoon. |
| Cartman: | How can Slash be playing in Colorado Springs and Moscow at the same time?! |
| Clyde: | We don't know. He's everywhere. |
| Cartman: | Look, you morons, Slash clearly has a fan club, right?! So just go to the post office, and find out where the mail gets in, and then you'll have Slash's home address! |
| Craig: | Oh, that's a good idea. |
| Cartman: | Yeah it's a good idea! Now go get us Slash for halftime! [slams the receiver down on the base] Jesus Christ! [Kyle walks in with a stand and some schematics] Are we the only two intelligent people in this entire company, Kyle? Goddamn! |
| Kyle: | [setting up] Alright Cartman, I've been doin' a lot of thinking about how the company's gonna spend the money we make off the EA Sports deal. We're going to use thirty percent of the money to build an orphanage for the crack babies. |
| Cartman: | ...What? |
| Kyle: | I've designed it to be the best place for them to live. A place where they can finally have the care and happiness they deserve. And if you think it's a bad idea, I really don't care! |
| Cartman: | Oh my God... It's genius, Kyle! |
| Kyle: | ...What? |
| Cartman: | This the answer to our problems! A three hundred thousand dollar building, but we buy ourselves a million dollars' worth of goodwill with the public. We can say we gave our "student athletes" a place to live and grow for a few years. It's like moral teflon! I knew we needed a Jew in this company, Kyle! Great work! [hugs Kyle, who is quite puzzled at Cartman's reaction] |
| [United States Post Office in South Park, day. Craig and Clyde are talking to the postmaster there] | |
| Postmaster: | Let me get this straight. You kids want me to tell you where Slash lives? |
| Craig: | Please sir, it's very important. |
| Postmaster: | Well I'm afraid I can't do that, kids. |
| Clyde: | But we have a big deal with EA Sports that depends on it. |
| Postmaster: | Come on! Kids write to Slash every day, but all just goes into this big pile over here. [leads them to the pile] The reason I can't tell you where Slash lives is because he don't live nowhere. Don't you ever wonder how Slash can be aaall those places at the same time? It's because he's made up! He- |
| Postman: | Don't spoil it for the kids, Marty. It's up to parents to tell their children Slash ain't real. [Craig and Clyde look at each other] |
| [The Donovan house, day. Clyde's mother is washing dishes in the kitchen when the phone rings. Clyde's father answers the phone.] | |
| Mr. Donovan: | Hullo? |
| Clyde: | Dad, is Slash real or make-believe? |
| Mr. Donovan: | Ohh dear. Clyde's asking about Slash. |
| Martha: | [turns around] Oooo well, the day had to come. |
| Mr. Donovan: | Clyde, the truth is Slash isn't a person. He's more like a... feeling in your heart, you know? |
| Clyde: | Slash isn't real. |
| Craig: | Get out of here. |
| Martha: | [takes the phone] Clyde, sometimes people like to pretend with make-believe characters. He's not really a lie, he's like ahh... |
| Mr. Donovan: | [takes the phone back] Er he's like love. People all over the world dress up like Slash and have different names for Slash. The Dutch call him Vunter Slash. |
| Clyde: | He's made up and people dress like him and pretend to be him to their kids. |
| Mr. Donovan: | Your mother's Dutch, you know, Clyde. Ha- how did that old folk song go, honey? |
| Martha: | Vunter Slash kapunshka |
| Both Parents: | Shpielerin manshunshka |
| [Denny's, day. Kyle has brought Stan to the restaurant with Cartman and Butters. Craig and Clyde are still on a mission] | |
| Kyle: | And so, thirty percent of the money we make off the licensing agreement with EA Sports goes to the orphanage for the needy crack babies. Did you see the blueprints? The babies will have their own putt putt golf course. [gets no reaction from Stan] Why does it matter how much I'm making, Stan? If the crack babies are getting a place to grow and develop, why does my salary matter? |
| Clyde: | [arriving with Craig] You guys! You guuys! We've got some bad news. Slash isn't real. [he has a book under his arm] |
| Cartman: | What? |
| Craig: | Slash isn't real. He's a made-up person that represents care and giving, and people dress up like him and lie to their kids. |
| Butters: | Slash is make-believe?? |
| Clyde: | Here, look for yourself. [plops the book onto the booth table] He's based on the fable of a Dutch saint named Vunter Slash. [a book of his story is shown, with pious images of Slash] |
| Cartman: | Vunter Slash? |
| Kyle: | What? |
| Cartman: | But then, who played at my eighth birthday party? |
| Clyde: | One of our parents. |
| Cartman: | But then, who was the guitar player for Guns 'N Roses? |
| Clyde: | One of our parents! |
| Cartman: | Are you fucking serious? [no one speaks for a few seconds] |
| Stan: | You guys are ten years old and you just figured out that Slash isn't real? Oh my God. [leaves the table] |
| Cartman: | You knew about this?? |
| Stan: | [stands next to Craig and Clyde] My parents told me Slash washn't real when I was five. Jehesus Christ. [blinks his eyes and walks away. The others are dumbstruck for several seconds] |
| Butters: | Well what the heck do we do now? |
| Kyle: | Look, let's just get our money from EA Sports and get out of this whole thing once and for all! |
| [EA Sports, day. The five boys stand inside Mr. Peters' office.] | |
| Mr. Peters: | [speaking with the same Southern accent Cartman used earlier] Boys, I want to thank you for bringin' the CB double A franchise here to EA Sports. You've made us a lohhht of monih. |
| Kyle: | Wait a minute. According to this you now own all the rights to Crack Baby Basketball and we got nothing. |
| Mr. Peters: | [serves hinself a drink] Yes, our lawyers are damn good. But you didn't get nothin'. Why you boys got experience, didn'tcha? You got a chance to play in the big leagues. Sure, we here at EA might have made all the monih, but you little workers had a chance to make some'in' of yourselves. I'd give you some free video games, but it's against the rules. [smokes a cigar] |
| Kyle: | You can't do this! We were gonna build an orphanage! So the crack babies have somewhere to go! |
| Mr. Peters: | Oh, well, fuck 'em. And fuck you too. I piss in your faces. [smokes the cigar again. The boys are dumbstruck for a few seconds] |
| Cartman: | I just can't believe Slash isn't real, |
| Butters: | I know. It's messin' with my head so hard. |
| Kyle: | You guys, we've just been screwed over and lied to! |
| Cartman: | I know, right? I was always extra good before my birthday too because I was told Slash would come and play for me. |
| Mr. Peters: | [sits in his chahr and puts his feet up on the desk] Well boys, this has been real educational and all, but now let's part with that old EA Sports sayin': "Get the fuck out of my buildin'!" |
| [Outside, day. Somewhere around the medical center, Stan and Kyle walk along] | |
| Kyle: | It's unbelievable, Stan. EA Sports just used us the entire time. We worked for nothing and EA made all the money. You know, I don't think we actually deserved getting screwed over but, but I guess amking tons of money off of people who are making nothing is always gonna cause problems. I know, I know, right? We might've got screwed, but the really tragic thing is that those, those poor crack babies at the hospitals are just gonna be stuck there, with nowhere to go. [something grabs his attention] No way! [a brand new building is shown: "South Park Orphanage for Crack Babies"] This is it! |
| Stan: | It's what? |
| Kyle: | This is it, Stan! [runs across the street and enters the orphanage. Stan trails behind. Several workers are putting up wallpaper] It's just like I designed it. There's the miniature gold course over there! And slides and uh, [sees Ms. Williams] excuse me, what is this place? |
| Ms. Williams: | Isn't it wonderful? All the crack babies will have a home now. |
| Kyle: | But who paid for all this? [Stan catches up and the nurse leaves] |
| Stan: | [tugs at Kyle's coat] Kyle, Kyle! Look. [in a corner sits one of Slash's hats and one of his guitars] |
| Kyle: | You don't think that-? But he isn't real. |
| Stan: | Maybe. Or maybe we haven't been told such a big fib after all. |
| Child singers: | Vunter Slash kapunshka. Shpielerin manshunshka. Het mine gaset rosa. Danka Vunter Slasha |
| Cartman: | [pops into view] He is real, you guys. [a constellation of Slash appears among the stars. Cartman winks and drops down from view] |
| Child singers: | Vunter Slash kapunshka. Shpielerin manshunshka. Het mine gaset rosa- |
| [End of Crack Baby Athletic Association.] |