Stan
Kyle
Cartman
Butters
Kenny
Announcer
Chris
Commentator 1
Dale Evans
Dale Earnhart Jr.
Danica Patrick
Doctor
Driver
FOX 11 Anchor
Jeff Gordon
Jeff Hamill
Jimmie Johnson
Lowes Pit Boss
Man 1
Pit Crewman
Reporter 1
Reporter 2
Field Reporter
Security Guard
Short Man
Tall Man
Spokesman
Tony Kornheiser
Woman 1
Woman 2
Woman 3
| [South Park Elementary, day. School lets out for the day, but Cartman sits in front of his locker crying. Stan and Kyle come into view and walk towards Cartman] | |
| Stan: | Cartman, dude, what's wrong? |
| Cartman: | [crying quietly] Nothing. Just leave ma alone, okay? |
| Kyle: | Dude, you've been sitting at your locker crying since lunch break. Something's going on. |
| Cartman: | It's just eh... that essay that Garrison assigned us. |
| Kyle: | "What I Wanna Be When I Grow Up"? |
| Cartman: | I don't like thinking about what I wanna be when I grow up, alright?! [buries his head in his lap and cries some more] |
| Stan: | Why not? |
| Cartman: | Because when I grow up, I wanna be something that I know I can never be!, Stan |
| Stan: | [listens, then faces Cartman] Cartman, tell us. |
| Cartman: | [sniffs] No... I wanna be a NASCAR driver, okay? When I see the... car races on TV, those... loud engines and peeling wheels, it's soo cool! [cries some more] |
| Stan: | Well Cartman, if you wanna drive NASCAR when you grow up, you can. |
| Cartman: | [cynically, walks off a bit] Oh right. Someone like me can be a NASCAR driver. [turns around and faces the boys] Look at me! Do you really think someone like this can ever become an awesome, famous NASCAR driver? [turns away and wpes some tears from his nose] |
| Kyle: | Aww. Well Cartman, you can change things about yourself. |
| Cartman: | No I can't; I'll always be like this. [wipes some more tears away] |
| Stan: | Dude, noo, youyou don't know that. |
| Cartman: | Come on guys, I have to face facts. MASCAR is only for poor and stupid people. I don't have what it takes! [cries some more] |
| Kyle: | [reassessing his assumption] What?! |
| Cartman: | I'm not poor and stupid enough to do NASCAR, and I never will be! |
| Stan: | Dude, I don't think just poor and stupid people like NASCAR! |
| Cartman: | Oh really? Hey, hey KENNY! |
| Kenny: | [looks up from his locker] (What?) |
| Cartman: | You love NASCAR huh? |
| Kenny: | (Yeah dude, I looove NASCAR.) |
| Cartman: | Yyou see I told you guys! [turns and walks to his locker] What's the use? It just, it's hopeless! [puts his arm on the locker and rests his head on his arm] |
| Kyle: | Cartman, you ARE poor and you ARE stupid! |
| Cartman: | [lifts his head up] I know you're trying to make me feel better, Kyle, but a rich smart kid has no place on a racetrack. [goes back to crying] |
| Stan: | Dude, you are so retarded! |
| Cartman: | Thanks, Stan, but even if I was I'd still be too rich. |
| Kyle: | How are you rich?! Your mom pays for everything! |
| Cartman: | [stops crying and brightens up] You guys really think I could do this, don't you? You really belieave in me. [smiles] |
| Kyle: | I believe that you're a broke, ignorant idiot! |
| Cartman: | Then maybe I can make myself believe it too. [getting confident] Thanks you guys. I'm gonna go chase a dream. [Stan and Kyle just look at each other.] |
| [Butters' house, some time later. Cartman walks up to the front door and knocks. A smiling Butters walks up to the door and opens it] | |
| Cartman: | Butters. |
| Butters: | Hey Eric. |
| Cartman: | Butters, the guys have been talkin' to me and well, they've got me pretty pumped up. [pumps both fists] I'm psyched, Butters. I'm about to do somethin' big and [pumps both fists] I'm psyched! |
| Butters: | Ahhh well oh-[pumps his right fist] kay. |
| Cartman: | But [points his right index finger at him] I'm gonna need yoru help. [points both index fingers at him] Can you get psyched?? Are you gonna get [pumps both fists twice] psyched up?? |
| Butters: | Eeyeah, I'm psyched. |
| Cartman: | Get really psyched up, Butters! |
| Butters: | [starts pacing back and forth with energy] I'm really psyched! Yeah! Yeah let's do this alright?! I'm pumped I'm psyched! Alright. Yeah. |
| Cartman: | I'm gonna become a NASCAR driver, Butters. I'm goin' for the gold! |
| Butters: | NASCA- NASCAR? |
| Cartman: | I know, I'm not poor an' stupid enough. But I change that, Butters, [reaches to his left and pulls into view a water jug full of small change] Here, I want you to take all my money. Every bit of it, Butters. Fifrty-eight dollars and thirty-two cents. |
| Butters: | You're givin' away all your money?? |
| Cartman: | [points] Just get rid of it Butters! Don't tell me where you spend it and don't ever let me have it back. [lowers hsi finger] From this moment on, I am poor. Like Kenny. |
| Butters: | You sure you want to do this? |
| Cartman: | [points] I told you I'm serious, Butters. [lowers hsi finger] Thisis my shot. I'm gonna get as poor an' stupid as I possibly can. |
| [The South Park Mall, evening. A NASCAR display is at the center of the mall, with car and a box of calendars, and a spokesman] | |
| Spokesman: | Alright folks, we wanna thank you all for comin' out an' supporting NASCAR. |
| Kenny: | [takes a 2011 calendar] (Yeah! How cool!) |
| Spokesman: | How who's ready for Saturday's big race? [the crowd cheers] |
| Kenny: | (Woohoo!) |
| Spokesman: | We're really excited to be part of the fastest-growing sport in America! [the crowd cheers] |
| Kenny: | (Woohoo!) |
| Spokesman: | I don't know about you, but I'm thrilled to watch NASCAR finally becoming recognized as a respected, legitimate sport. [the crowd cheers] |
| Kenny: | (Yeah! Yeeaahh!) |
| Butters: | [appears, hauling a cart] Hello! 'Scuse me! [the crowd quiets down and looks] I know that you NASCAR people don't have very much. So I went out and bought you all [shows off his haul] fifrty-eight dollars worth of canned food and blankets! You're welcome! [turns around and skips away grinning] Heh! I helped the needy! [Kenny watches him leave] |
| [Cartman's house, nght, Cartman is on the sofa watching TV upside down. He strapped himself down earlier so he doesn't slip off the sofa. His face is turning red from the blood pooling up uder his skin] | |
| Man 1: | [voice-over] Boy I tell you what, it is raining cats and dogs outside. Mostly cats. [laughter] I just wish I had brought an umbrella. |
| Butters: | Hey Eric. |
| Cartman: | Ahh Butters. Did you give away all my money? |
| Butters: | Yep. You don't have a penny left. [points] You're poor as shit. [looks him over] How come you're hangin' upside down? |
| Cartman: | I need to get stupis, Butters. I'm getting all the blood to rush to my head and watchin' a marathon of Two And A Half Men. |
| Tall Man: | Hey hey there's a hot girl over there. [giggles] |
| Short Man: | Sure she's hot. She's wearing a sweater. [giggles. The studio audience giggls and applauds] |
| Butters: | Feel stupid yet? |
| Cartman: | Not yet. |
| [Commercial - Vagisil] | |
| Woman 1: | When a woman isn't feeling her freshest, she turns to Vagisil- |
| Cartman: | Aw Goddamnit, another Vagisil commercial?! |
| Woman 1: | -to stop feminine itching and relieve vaginal odors. |
| Cartman: | Fuck, gross! |
| Butters: | All those ladies have stinky vaginas? |
| Woman 1: | If you develop an allergic reaction, see your doctor. In some cases Vagisil can lead to short-term memory loss. |
| Woman 2: | For the freshest, cleanest feminine area, do what women do. |
| Cartman: | [quickly rights himself and stands up] Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Did you hear that?! [clicks on the remote control to reverse it, then plays and echoes the commercial] "In some cases Vagisil can lead to short-term memory loss." [clicks the remote to pause the playback] Oh my God, Butters... [makes a fist with his left hand] we need Vagisil! |
| [A supermarket. Cartman and Butters are in the feminine hygiene section] | |
| Cartman: | "Vagisil, Vagisil Maximum Strength, Vagisil Wash, Vagisil Medicated Wipes." |
| Butters: | Gee-whiz, there's Vagi-everythings. |
| Cartman: | Which one do I use to kill brain cells? Well, just buy me one of each of 'em, Butters. |
| Butters: | Wuh uh I'm buyin'? |
| Cartman: | I'm totally poor Butters. Did you forget? |
| Butters: | But but I uh, I uh, I didn't bring any money, I didn't know I had to buy Vagisil. |
| Cartman: | Goddamnit Butters! Alright just... just keep a lookout, I'll try it here. [positions him] Look that way, make sure the cashier doesn't see me. |
| [As Butters keeps a look out, Cartman opens a tube of Vagisil anti-itch creme and begins to swallow it. Then he takes a bottle of wash and chugs that down, following that up with two more tubes, then more products] | |
| Cartman: | Is anybody coming? |
| Butters: | No, you're good. [behind them a woman and her daughter walk by and stop to look. Cartman chugs down another bottle of feminine wash] |
| Cartman: | Mm, 'kay, Mm. [throws the bottle away] N-oh, ew, okay, now it's... [grabs a tube of masimum strength anti-itch creme] |
| Woman 3: | Little boy, what are you doing? [Cartman looks over his shoulder, then turns around to look at her. Cartman notices and does the same. A few seconds later, Cartman turns around again] |
| Cartman: | Oh my God! Butters! [taps Butters' shoulder and Butters turns around] I feel kind of stupid! |
| Butters: | Really? |
| Cartman: | Yes, YES! I'm feeling totally stupid right now. |
| Butters: | That was fast. |
| Cartman: | Grab what you can and let's get out of here. I'm ready! |
| [Race day at Colorado National Speedway. The NASCAR drivers line up in two columns and roll slowly to the starting line] | |
| Announcer: | We're just seconds away from the start of the Denver 300. [Dale Evans is shown in his car] |
| Butters: | Excuse me. Mr. Evans, sir? [Dale looks over to his left. Butters is in the pit stop] Your uh, your wife is on the phone anduhwell she just got raped. |
| Dale: | What? |
| Butters: | Yeah, she got, she got raped a lot and uhhh and you gotta go talk to her. |
| Dale: | Oh my God! [gets out of his car, throws down his helmet, and goes to the pit area] |
| Cartman: | [walks towards the car] Sweeet. Nice work, Butters. Now go be my spotter so we can win this thing! [puts on the helmet and climbs into the car] |
| Butters: | [now on the walkie-talkie] Eric, are you sure you can do this? |
| Cartman: | Don't worry, Butters, I'm totally poor and stupid. I'm ready for NASCAR. |
| Announcer: | Let the race begin! |
| Cartman: | Let's go NASCAR! [the other drivers zoom past him. He steers the wheel, but realizes] I'm not moving, Butters. |
| Butters: | I think you gotta press the gas pedal. |
| Cartman: | What's that? |
| Butters: | There's like a long pedal on the floor by your right foot. |
| Cartman: | Oh okay. [leans down to press it. He burns rubber and takes off] Let's go NASCAR! [he immediately crashes into the wall and tries to power out of it. Suddenly, he turns left and goes back the other way] |
| Announcer: | It looks like the Dale Evans car is going the wrong way! |
| Cartman: | Kewl, NASCAR! Sweet! [the other drivers round the corner and avoid him. Car #78 crashes through the wall and plows up the bleachers. Cartman tries to turn around but goes up into the air and into the pit area. Everyone there gets out of the way. He hits a low wall and goes up into the air again...] |
| Cartman: | Oh, fuck my ass! [he lands in a lake by the Winners Circle. Three men are present at the circle, two of them leave.] |
| Butters: | [on the walkie-talkie] Eric? |
| [A hospital rocovery room, night. Cartman is laid up in bed, and Butters is keeping him company. Cartman's right leg is in a cast and up in a sling] | |
| Cartman: | All that work... All the effort I put in... I still wasn't poor and stupid enough to win. |
| Butters: | Eric, uh you were as poor and stupid as you could be. |
| Cartman: | [looks away] Don't you get it Butters?! It's never gonna happen for me! Those people are way more poor and stupid than I'll ever be. I might as well kill myself. |
| Butters: | Eric! Don't ever talk like that! |
| Cartman: | I've given away all my money! Drank enough Vagisil to kill every brain cell I have! But it still wasn't enough. |
| Doctor: | [enters the room] Alright Eric, we got the X-rays back. |
| Butters: | How bad is it, doctor? |
| Doctor: | He has two fractured ribs, a broken femur, torn ligaments in both knees, and a lever 2 concussion. He also appears to be developing three small vaginas in his stomach, but they are all sparkling clean. |
| Butters: | Well at least there's that. |
| Cartman: | Just pull the plug on me, doctor. I don't wanna live like this. |
| Doctor: | You aren't on life-support. Pulling a plug wouldn't do anything. |
| Cartman: | Aw donkey balls... |
| Doctor: | You're lucky to be alive, young man. Sneaking onto a NASCAR racetrack and hijacking a car for a joyride? That has got to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard of a kid doing! [walks away] |
| Cartman: | Thanks, doc, but you aren't gonna make me feel any better. |
| Doctor: | [turns around] No, really. Of all the idiotic dumb ways I've seen kids injure themselves, yours takes the retard cake! [walks out of the room] |
| Butters: | Did you hear that, Eric? See? You ARE really stupid. |
| Cartman: | Could it be I... only lost the race because I somehow wasn't poor enough? |
| Butters: | It has to be, Eric. [Cartman moves his right leg out of the sling and gets out of bed.] Eric, where are you going? |
| Cartman: | Get me my coat, Butters. We're gonna try this thing again. [Butters brightens up] |
| [Kenny's house, day. Kenny is reading a NASCAR magazine on the sofa] | |
| FOX 11 Anchor: | You're watching Colorado FOX 11. Next on FOX 11 News, are NASCAR fans stupid? [Kenny looks up] Some people are starting to wonder after a NASCAR fan apparently got high on Vagisil and snuck onto the track, killing eleven people |
| Reporter: | Tom, the NASCAR fan got into a car here on Sunday and crashed in the lake behind me. He was later found to have ingested this [holds up a tube] Maximum Strength Vagisil. And also Vagisil medicated wipes. Making NASCAR fans look ...pretty stupid, Tom. |
| Kenny: | [closes his magazine and throws it on the sofa] (No! NASCAR fans aren't stupid! Cartman is!) |
| Reporter: | The NASCAR fan vows he will try to do it again, but that this time, he will win. |
| Kenny: | (Oh that fucking asshole!) [gets off the couch and walks out the front door] (Oh that fucking asshole, I'm gonna talk to him...) |
| [Cartman's house, day. Kenny walks over to Cartman's house, goes up the steps, and pounds and kicks at the front door until Cartman answers it] | |
| Cartman: | Oh hey, Kenny. |
| Kenny: | (Dude, what the fuck are you doing?!) |
| Cartman: | Cone in dude, I wanna show you what I've been workin' on. [Kenny follows him in. Cartman shows him all the stuff he purchased - a jet ski, a Room-bot, a 7.1 speaker system, a plasma TV, an LCD monitor, a VHS/DVD combo player] Check it out. I thought I could just give all my money away and be as poor as your family, but then I realized: what do poor people do? Buy things even though they don't have money by going out and purchasing things that are 0% down and no payments for two years! That's how you people stay poor forever! Am I right? That's it, right? [Kenny is still pissed off] |
| Kenny: | (Dude, fuck you!) |
| Cartman: | Kenny, I'm just trying to get good at NASCAR. |
| Kenny: | (Dude, that's NOT how you get good at NASCAR!) |
| Cartman: | Hey, I love NASCAR just as much as you do! |
| Kenny: | (No you fucking don't!) |
| Cartman: | Oh it's sooo easy for you, isn't it, Kenny?! I had to become poor all on my own, you know?! I wasn't born with a plastic spoon in my mouth! |
| Kenny: | (What?!) |
| Cartman: | I've had to go buy stuff with 0% down and no payments for two years my-self! I didn't have parents to do it for me like you do! Look Keh- Kenny, Kenny. We shouldn't be fighting. We both love Nascar and we're both poor shits. |
| Man: | [appears at the front door] Uh, excuse me. [Cartman sees him and walks to the door] Eric Cartman? |
| Cartman: | Yeah? |
| Man: | My name is Jeff Hamill. I'm the founder and CEO of Vagisil. |
| Cartman: | ...Uh oh. |
| Jeff Hamill: | Young man, your NASCAR stunt has brought a lot of attention to Vagisil and honestly, I don't know how to thank you. Our sales are up and women are finally realizing that their feminine odor can be treated. I first created Vagisil for my wife, Patty. She's my Muse, my flame. We realized that NASCAR can do a lot for product recognition and so, Vagisil has a little present... for you. [turns around and walks out, showing off a brand-new Vagisil NASCAR car] |
| Cartman: | Awww, sweet! [runs to the car, then runs his right hand over the body] No way, this is so tits! |
| Jeff Hamill: | Vagisil would like you to represent us in the next NASCAR race, |
| Cartman: | Dude, check it out, Kenny! My very own NASCAR! |
| Kenny: | (No fucking way!) |
| Jeff Hamill: | And we've modified the cockpit to be operated properly by a child. |
| Cartman: | Aww coool, huh Kenny? Peew Peew! I got a NASCAR, Kenny! [Jeff looks at Kenny, smiling] So awesome, huh Kenny? [Kenny can only look on,pissed] |
| [A conference room, day. A NASCAR spokesman holds a mic] | |
| Announcer: | We are now live at the NASCAR press conference, where the drivers of Saturday's race are gearing up and taking questions from reporters. |
| Reporter 1: | So uh what's your guys' take on the track here? Any concerns? [present are Dale Earnhart Jr., Jimmie Johnson, Danica Patrick, Jeff Gordon, Tony Stewart, Eric Cartman, and Matt Kenseth] |
| Jimmie Johnson: | Well I think it's a fine track, you know/ The the techs have done a really good job of makin' sure the banks are grafted down to the right specs and there shouldn't be any problems- |
| Cartman: | [doing a redneck accent] Yeah, we like the track, yup. We gotta graft them banks an' specs, it's like a oval, so we're gonna drive straight and then we're gonna be turnin' to the left. |
| Reporter 2: | Uhhh they're saying hot weather tomorrow; any concerns about restrictor plate or brake plate problems? |
| Jeff Gordon: | Of course, any time you're dealin' with high humidity and temperatures you need to compensate your brake fluid, but the plates themselves- |
| Cartman: | Compensate yer blake fluid an' git yer, git yer... b-brake workin' so you can stop sometimes. |
| Dale Earnhart Jr.: | Hey excuse me, who is this kid? Is he even a driver? |
| Cartman: | Ewww, bring it on, Earnhart, you scaird of the conpetition?! I'm just as poor an' stupid as you! I'm gonna drive and I'm gonna go fayast and I'm gonna turn to the left sometimes! |
| Danica Patrick: | Can we just, get back to the subject of racing, please? |
| Cartman: | Uh-ho! Bring it on, Danica! You dumb bitch! Think I can't steer left better than you?! |
| [After the press conference] | |
| Butters: | You seemed really stupid, Eric. |
| Cartman: | Thanks, B-butts. I really think I can hold my own against these guys. Little worried about that Jimmie Johnson guy though; he seems dumber than spit. And that Danica Patrick chick? Phew! We're gonna need to get even poorer and stupider, Butters. Both of us. |
| [Mick's Lanes. Kenny is at the bar drinking glass after glass of soda, looking depressed. On TV, Pardon The Interruption airs] | |
| Tony Kornheiser: | Alright, from the NFL we now turn to the world of NASCAR! People who weren't sure what to think of NASCAR are more sure today after a NASCAR driver released bigoted and ignorant statements on his podcast. |
| [Cartman is in a studio of his making, with the Stars and Bars in the background next to a NASCAR flag. He himself looks like he's wasted on Vagisil. He clears his throat and begins recording] | |
| Cartman: | Alright, what's up NASCAR fans? I don't know about y'all, but this President Obama is pissin' me off! So I'm gonna do some dip and speak my mind. Today I'm gonna be dippin'... [holds up a bottle] Vagisil Regular Strength Anti-Itch Creme. [squeezes some out and rubs it all over his lips] Oh yeah. Yeah, that's a big dipper right there. But I'm pretty pissed off at what I found out. I found out this "Obama" wants to put a bigger tax on gasoline! [sips some root beer] What the fuck is up with that?! That's fuckin' gay! He needs to fuckin' stay in hel! [Kenny buries his face in the counter. On screen, Butters appears behind Cartman] You all know my pit boss, Butters. |
| Butters: | Obama's fuckin' gay. |
| Cartman: | He's fuckin' gay as hell! |
| Butters: | Pissin' me off! |
| Cartman: | [dips again and rubs it on his lips] So you all be sure to catch us in our next race. We're about as poor an' stupid as they fuckin' come, so come down an' cheer for us at NASCAR on Saturday! Obama's gay as hell! |
| Tony Kornheiser: | Well if you ask me, that's all the proof we need that NASCAR really is just for the poor... [sharply] and the stupid. |
| Kenny: | (Fuck this!) [leaves the bar] |
| [Saturday at Colorado National Speedway. The Vagisil car is prepared as Cartman sits in it] | |
| Commentator 1: | The stage is set for what could be the most important race of the NASCAR year. |
| Commentator 2: | Lots of speculation and interest in the Vagisil car, driven by Eric Cartman. We are joined now by the inventor and owner of Vagisil, Jeff Hamill. |
| Jeff: | Thank you, Chris. |
| Chris: | [Commentator 2] Yeah, but why did you decide to sponsor a NASCAR driver? |
| Jeff: | Vagisil is very excited to be a part of the NASCAR phenomenon, Chris. You know, I... first created Vagisil to try and help my wife, Patty. She is my Muse, my flame. Wherever Patty goes her smile lights up the room. Her vagina, on the other hand, clears the room and makes it uninhabitable for weeks. |
| Commentator 1: | Ohkay, well the race is about to start, so why don't we kick it back down to the track? |
| Announcer: | Gentlemen, start your engines! [the crowd begins to cheer] |
| Cartman: | Alright, "start your engine." What's that my-ean? |
| Pit Crewman: | That means you flip the switch that says "Engine." [to Butters] Is he stupid or what? |
| Butters: | Yeah, he's a champion alright. [outside, Kenny approaches the racetrack entrance with a tote bag] |
| [at the Speedway entrance] | |
| Security Guard: | Check your bag please, sir? [Kenny hands him the bag. The guard checks the bag and pulls out a long rifle] No, no, see, this won't do. You can't bring a sniper rifle onto the track. |
| Kenny: | (Aww, come on!) |
| Security Guard: | Look, NASCAR is trying to change its image. It's people like you that are givin' NASCAR a bad name! |
| Kenny: | (Aw come on, fuck you!) [enters] |
| Security Guard: | You might be able to bjy one in the gift shop. [inside, the cars begin to move down the track] |
| [On the track] | |
| Announcer: | The drivers are slowly heading out to follow the pace car. |
| Cartman: | [in the redneck accent] Then I'm gonna press the gas pedal and I'm gonna go forward. [does so and rear-ends #78, then back up and swerves onto the track and sideswipes #95] NASCAR! Yee-ah! |
| Pit Crewman: | This is just the pace lap, you don't go full speed yet! |
| Cartman: | Yeah, just the pace lap! I'm gonna hit the, hit the brake! [hits the brakes and #7 runs into him. Danica Patrick is the driver] |
| Danica Patrick: | The fuck are you doing?! |
| Cartman: | Fuck you, Danica Patrick! You ain't half as dumb as me! Gas pedal! [steps on the gas and peels away. Other cars pass Danica, whose engine is now on fire] |
| Danica Patrick: | Oh, son of a bitch! |
| Cartman: | Woowee, ain't nobody can stop muhey! |
| [in the sports booth] | |
| Commentator 1: | And it looks like the Vagisil car has already clipped two other drivers and taken them out of the race. |
| Chris: | Yes, the other drivers are not going to be happy about this. What do you think, Mr. Hamill? |
| Jeff Hamill: | Vagisil is a company that really stands behind its product, Chris. We want women to know that Vagisil is effective, safe for use every day, [looks at Patty expecting a response and enunciates] Every. Day. [she just stands there] Every. Day. [she looks down and away] And available nationwide. [back on the track, Cartman is keeping up with the other drivers. The #52 car comes up behind his right rear fender. Carrtman drifts a little, causing #52 to crash into the wall and spin out. Cartman goes through the turn, looking behind his left shoulder. As he comes out of the turn, Butters gets his attention] |
| [On the track] | |
| Butters: | Be careful up here about a hundred yards, Eric. There's a wrecked car on the right side. [Danica Patrick finally comes out of her car] You'er gonna wanna watch for it here. You'er gonna wanna watch it over on the right side. |
| Cartman: | Oh yeah, I see it. [Cartman avoids the car, but runs over Danica, who was trying to make it across the track to the field inside] |
| Danica Patrick: | AAAAAA! [Cartman keeps going] |
| Cartman: | [looks over his right shoulder, then faces forward again] You see that? Dayanica Patrick tried to get in my way. That pisses me off! |
| Butters: | That's fuckin' gay as hell. |
| Cartman: | Whoop I'm comin' up on that turn thing again. I got to stayer left. [turns the steering wheel hard to the left and drives through the drivers' eating area, scattering the people there and wrecking the tables. He mows some of them down.] Get out of the way you idiots, I'm tryin' to win this dayum thang! [makes it back to the track and rejoins the race] |
| Butters: | There you go. You're back on the track. |
| Cartman: | I'm back own the track. [Kenny makes his way down the bleacher steps towards the track. He jumps onto the track and lands on the Vagisil car. He turns around on the car roof and looks into the car through the windshield] What the... Kenny! What the hell are you doing?! |
| Kenny: | [pounds on the windshield] (Stop this car!) |
| Cartman: | Get off my car, Kenny! |
| Kenny: | (Stop this car right now!) |
| Butters: | Oh man, now our friend Kenny is tryin' to break the windshield. Ain't that just gay as hell? [the #14 car is getting its wheels changed when Cartman barrels into it, causing it to flip over and land on its pit crew.] |
| Cartman: | We're tradin' paint! [further down the track he hits two other cars, which then hit each other] Oh it's sooo easy for you, isn't it, Kenny?! I have to prove myself! |
| Kenny: | (Let me in right now!) |
| Cartman: | Sorry dude, I'm winning this race! Hit the brakes! Bye Kenny. [steps on the brakes, launching Kenny.] |
| Kenny: | (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...) [goes a long distance before the first bounce, then bounces a few more times. Two other cars remain on the track, and they pass Cartman] |
| Driver: | Oh Jesus, there's a little boy on the track. [the two cars swerve just in time, but one crashes into the outer wall, the other into the inner wall] |
| [in the booth] | |
| Chris: | Well it appears that all the other drivers crashed and only the Vagisil car remains. Looks like you're going to win, Mr. Hamill. |
| Jeff Hamill: | This is such a great day for Vagisil, Chris. Our product awarreness will be at an all-time high. Feminine odor must be treated diligiently. [looks over at Patty] Very. Diligently. [a look of shock crosses his face. Patty is gone. The cameramen wonder what's going on.] Patty? Patty? |
| [On the track, Patty walks over to the #48 car and pulls its driver out. She climbs in] | |
| Announcer: | It looks like a woman is trying to take over for Jimmie Johnson's car. [Mr. Hamill and the commentators join him in his booth] |
| Jeff Hamill: | What? [Patty gets the car started and backs up. Determined, she takes off] |
| Lowes Pit Boss: | Ma'am? You are on an active racetrack. This is extremely dangerous. |
| Jeff Hamill: | Let me talk to her. [puts on the pit boss's headphones] Patty? Patty, what are you doing? [Patty skillfully drives the car around the track] Patty, pull over the NASCAR. You're acting irrationally. Patty, did you forget to take your medication? You know how you get when you don't use your Vagisil. There should be some in your purse, mind you. Patty? [she reaches Cartman and taps his car with Johnson's] |
| [on the track] | |
| Cartman: | Aww! You dumb bitch! Butters, this bitch is tryin' to wreck my car. |
| Butters: | I know. That pisses me off. That's fuckin' gay. |
| Cartman: | Fuckin' gay as hell. [Patty pulls up to his left, taps him a bit, then pulls away] |
| Jeff Hamill: | Patty, you are my Muse, and my flame. |
| Announcer: | They are neck and neck approaching the finish line. [this time she bumps him off. Cartman's car goes up in the air...] |
| Cartman: | Oh, fuck my ass again! [...and crashes upside down into the outer wall. Patty goes onto the finish line, getting the victory for Jimmie Johnson] |
| Jeff Hamill: | [frustrated] HAAAAAAAAAA! |
| [Moments later, at the winners' circle. Lots of cheers as Patty Hamill shows off the huge trophy] | |
| Announcer: | Big celebration for the Lowes Home Improvement team. |
| Jeff Hamill: | Patty! How could you?! You've ruined us! You've ruined Vagisil! |
| [nearby, Cartman and Butters look on. Kenny walks up to Cartman and points] | |
| Kenny: | (HA! You're fucking gay!) |
| Cartman: | No, no, Kenny, go ahead. I deserve it. I thought I could just waltz onto a racetrack and do what these people do. but I owe you an apology. The truth is I'm just too smart. And with how smart I am I'll always be successful and therefore have money. I just have to accept I'm too smart and rich for NASCAR. Time for me to give it up. Alright Butters, give me back my money. |
| Butters: | Huh? |
| Cartman: | The fifty eight dollars and thirty two cents I gave you! I want it back! |
| Butters: | Uh but but you you said I had to [begins to stammer] |
| Cartman: | Goddamnit Butters, you'd better have it! Butters, you're always trying to screw me over! |
| Butters: | But you said to take your money so I took it by [unintelligible] Ah I don't know. |
| [End of Poor And Stupid.] |