Chief Running Water
Mr. Garrison, Mr. Hat
1989/1991 Denver Broncos
Kevin, the monkey boy
|[The bus stop. Kenny, Kyle, and Stan are waiting for the bus]|
|Stan:||Dude! The bus will be here any minute, and Cartman didn't show up for school.|
|Kyle:||Yeah. This is like the third day in a row. I wonder what's wrong|
|Kenny:||(Perhaps, he's just too big to get out of bed) [the three laugh]|
|Stan:||Maybe we should ditch school and go check on him. [the bus pulls up]|
|Ms. Crabtree:||Come on, we're running late!|
|Stan:||We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch!|
|Ms. Crabtree:||What did you say?!|
|Stan:||I said: We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch.|
|Ms. Crabtree:||Oh. Alright, then. [closes the door and drives away]|
|Stan:||I always wondered if that would work.|
|[The boys approach Cartman's house. Kyle rings the bell.]|
|Liane Cartman:||Hello, boys.|
|Kyle:||Hi. We were wondering why fatass [mitt to mouth] I mean-Cartman, hasn't been showing up for school.|
|Liane Cartman:||Ooooh, he's just been feeling under the weather. Maybe you boys can cheer him up. He's in the backyard.|
|Stan:||In the backyard?|
|[In the backyard. A classical piece plays as the camera looks at the picnic table left over from Cartman's birthday. Cartman is at table surrounded by four dolls: he is hosting a tea party. Think Mr. Hat, then the Mad Hatter…]|
|Cartman:||Would you like some more tea, Polly Prissy Pants?|
|Polly:||Yes, Eric, I would like some tea. Thank you.|
|Cartman:||You're very welcome, Polly Prissy Pants. [The boys pop up over some bushes and look at Cartman from a distance] Would you like some tea, Clyde Frog?|
|Clyde:||Yes, please, Eric. Why are you so cool?|
|Cartman:||Oh. I don't know, Clyde Frog. I just am.|
|Polly:||You are so strong and smart, Eric. Everybody likes you.|
|Cartman:||Why, thank you, Polly Prissy Pants. How nice of you. [sips]|
|Stan:||[behind the bushes with the others] Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.|
|Kenny:||(I think if we run, try to get Eric to drop his tea)|
|Kyle:||Come on! Let's go make fun of him!|
|Stan:||No, dude. This look really serious. I think we'd better get help.|
|Peter:||[back at table] We like ya, Eric. You are the coolest guy in the world. This is tremendous tea.|
|Cartman:||Why, thank you, Peter Panda. This is Distinctive Earl Grey.|
|Polly:||Eric is the best!|
|Clyde:||Hooray for Eric!|
|Peter:||Eric kicks ass!|
|[At school, the Counselor's office. The boy who saw the counselor in December is back, but then, so is Kyle]|
|Kyle:||Mr. Mackey, something's really wrong with Cartman.|
|Mr. Mackey:||Oh, well, there's a news flash!|
|Stan:||Nono. We saw him having a tea party with his stuffed animals.|
|Kyle:||Yeah. He was doing their voices and pouring tea for them.|
|Mr. Mackey:||Oooh okay-Eric is obviously suffering from some kind of emotional distress, mkay?|
|Mr. Mackey:||Have you boys noticed anything recently that troubled Eric?|
|Mr. Mackey:||Well-obviously something is bothering him. [looks left] Oh, of course! [walks over to a shelf] My video camera! Boys, if you could videotape Eric's behavior, then I can study him psychologically and find out what's wrong, mkay?|
|Stan:||Is that legal?|
|Mr. Mackey:||Oh, hell yes!|
|[Back at Cartman's Tea Party]|
|Cartman:||My goodness, that's a lovely dress you are wearing, Polly Prissy Pants.|
|Polly:||Oh, thank you, Eric. You are a perfect gentleman, and you are smart and true.|
|Peter:||Yes, Eric, you are strong and smart and true. Everybody likes you very much.|
|Cartman:||That's niiice, Peter Panda.|
|[Stan and Kyle are back at the bushes with Mr. Mackey's camera]|
|Stan:||Dude, this is going to be the funniest tape ever made.|
|Kyle:||How much do you think Mr. Mackey needs?|
|Stan:||I donnow, just keep rolling.|
|Cartman:||More tea, Rumpertumskin?|
|Rumpertumskin:||Yes, please, Eric. You are tough and handsome.|
|Cartman:||Thank you, Rumpertumskin. And what do you think about me, Clyde Frog?|
|Rumpertumskin:||I think you're a big fat piece of crap.|
|Cartman:||[not knowing how to take that, then] Eeeyy!|
|[Cartman's house, later that night. Cartman and his mom are dining when Kitty comes by.]|
|Cartman:||No, Kitty, this is my corned beef cabbage!|
|Cartman:||No, Kitty, that's a bad kitty!|
|Mrs. Cartman:||How is your beefy roast, snookums?|
|Cartman:||Mom? Can I ask you a question?|
|Mrs. Cartman:||Sure, hon.|
|Cartman:||You know how my friend Stan, has… a dad?|
|Mrs. Cartman:||Uh huuuh.|
|Cartman:||And my friend Kyle has - a dad, and my friend Kenny has a dad?|
|Mrs. Cartman:||Yyeess?? [they look at each other for a long time] Well, what's your question, hon?|
|Cartman:||God-dammit!! Do I have a dad?!|
|Cartman:||I want to know where I came from.|
|Mrs. Cartman:||Ooohh, hhmmm [finger to lips]. Wwell - yyou see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a woman are… attracted to each other [Kitty is still looking at Cartman], they want to be… close to each other.|
|Mrs. Cartman:||And sometimes the man puts his who-who-dilly in the woman's cha-cha. [Cartman and his mom look at each other, Kitty looks at them both.]|
|Cartman:||So who put his who-who-dilly in your cha-cha?|
|Mrs. Cartman:||Eric, the day I met your father it was like - magic! It was a beautiful autumn night when the aspen trees were turning, at the Twelfth Annual Drunken Barn Dance. [A flashback sequence begins where a barn appears with a banner…]|
|12th ANNUAL DRUNKEN BARN DANCE
||[Cows are standing around while music and light emanate from inside the barn]
||Mrs. Cartman:||I was young and naive then… [she is seen downing a very tall flask of beer]
||Man:||Man, I've never seen a woman drink that much-you're amazing, Ms. Cartman.
||Ms. Cartman:||Oh, heck. I haven't even started yet. He-he. [the band ends its tune] I baked cookiees; would anybody like one?! [she stands next to Barbrady]
||Trainee Barbrady:||I wouldn't mind gettin' ahold of your cookies, Ms. Cartman!
||Ms. Cartman:||[breathlessly] Well, go right ahead, Officer Barbrady.
||Trainee Barbrady:||[takes a cookie and bites into it] Mm, that's a good cookie! [the band resumes playing]
||Jimbo:||Come on everybody, let's do the Drunken Barn Dance! [a duck falls from the ceiling and everybody takes their bottles of beer and toast the occasion. They drop their empty bottles, and Ned ends up falling where he stands.]
||Mrs. Cartman:||And then I saw him. He was the most beautiful, charming piece of ass I'd ever seen in South Park. His name… was Chief Running Water. [The crowd separates to reveal a handsome Indian entering the dance. A song begins: "There you are, like a throbbing star. I want you to make love to me." Ms. Cartman and the Chief focus in on each other, then walk to each other, then bump into each other. Ms. Cartman falls, then gets up, vomits, and starts dancing with the Chief.] I don't recall exactly how the rest of the night went, but the next morning I was pregnant with you, my little blueberry muffin.
||Cartman:||So where is Chief Running Water-I mean, Dad, now?
||Mrs. Cartman:||Oh I never saw him after that. Ah-I wasn't really that interested in him.
||Cartman:||[weighs the story, then] That isn't a very romantic story, Mom.
||Mrs. Cartman:||I heard he still lives on the Ute reservation just outside of town.
||Cartman:||Well. To think all this time I'm actually a Naive American.
||Cartman:||No, Kitty, that's a bad kitty!!
||[Stan's house. Grampa, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are watching TV.]
||Annoncer:||Coming this Sunday, [music begins to play] a major television event that will blow you away. Terrance. Phillip. [the title screen appears] In the harrowing made-for-TV drama, Not Without My Anus, based on a true story.
||Terrance:||Hey, Phillip. I have to go to Iraq and find my kidnapped daughter.
||Phillip:||Then I'm going to go with you, Terrance. [farts. They both laugh]
||Annoncer:||[music starts up again] See Canada's hottest stars on the HBC movie of the week.
||Stan:||Wow, check it out, dude. We have to remember to tape Not Without My Anus next week!
||Kyle:||Yeah, dude. It looks riveting. [Grampa starts flipping channels]
||Stan:||Come on Grampa. We wanna watch Terrance and Phillip.
||Grampa:||No, Billy. We're gonna watch the Bob Saget show.
||Kyle:||[at the same time] Hunh?
||Annoncer:||And now, back to America's Stupidest Home Videos. Here is you host, Bob Saget!
||Bob Saget:||Hey, I just flew into the studio. [flaps his right arm like he actually flew in] Boy are my arms tired. Heheh. Heh. [Grampa laughs, but no one in the studio audience is] Wha, Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? 'Cause he didn't have the guts. [only he and Grampa laugh] Knock knock. [the audience stays silent] Bob [---] Bob Saget [chuckles to himself. As if on cue, the audience breaks into laughter and some members fall over. Grampa falls over, too, and laughs his ass off for a minute or so]
||Stan:||This guy sucks! [the bell rings and he goes to answer it]
||Kyle:||Yeah. He's almost as bad as that guy on Full House.
||Stan:||[opens the door] Cartman? What the hell are you doing dresed up like an Indian with a bear necklace?
||Cartman:||[Indian music plays] Naive American, Stan, and the bear is very important to my people. [He's dressed in Indian clothes (including tassles), with a headband holding three feathers, and an eagle necklace, not a bear one.]
||Stan:||What?? [Kyle and Kenny reach the door, look at Cartman, and crack up]
||Cartman:||Hey! The white man has marred my people long enough! You keep your God-damned mouth shut! [the boys are quiet] Stan, I need your bike in order to ride over to the reservation.
||Stan:||What are you talking about, Cartman?!
||Cartman:||My name isn't Eric Cartman, it's Eric Running Water. Now, can I borrow your bike, or do I have to kick you in the nuts and steal it?
||Stan:||Go ahead, dude. [Cartman turns left and leaves to get the bike. The other three return to the sofa to watch TV]
||Kyle:||Man. Cartman's more screwed up than I thought.
||Stan:||Yeah. We'd better get this videotape over to Mr. Mackey, quick!
||Bob Saget:||Just a free li'l reminder to all of you out there: send us your stupidest home videos. Grand prize for this month will be $10,000. [chuckles]
||Grampa:||Ten thousand dollars? Holy smokes.
||Kyle:||Wow, I wish we had a stupidest home video. [They realize that they do, then look at the videotape, and smile]
||UTE NATIVE AMERICAN RESERVATION
||Chief Running Water:||…And Bear cried to Eagle-
||Indian 1:||Running Water, there is some kid here to see you.
||Chief Running Water:||What kid?
||Indian 1:||He claims to be your kid.
||Cartman:||[squeezing into the campfire circle] Hiya, Dad!
||Chief Running Water:||Who the hell are you?
||Cartman:||I'm your son, Eric. My mom says you put your who-who-dilly in her cha-cha, at the Drunken Barn Dance.
||Chief Running Water:||Your mother??
||Chief Running Water:||Cartman? Hohoho. Oh boy, I was worried there for a second. [suddenly serious] Look, kid, I'm not your father.
||Cartman:||But my mom says you're the guy she was with.
||Chief Running Water:||Kid, I hate to break this to you, but your mother is what we Native Americans refer to as, 'Bear with Wiiide Canyon.'
||Chief Running Water:||She is, 'Doe who cannot keep legs together.'
||Chief Running Water:||Your mom's a slut [a Ute on either side of him nods agreement]
||Chief Running Water:||Don't feel too bad. Your mom was just too drunk to remember what happened. Let me tell you. [he flashes back to the 12th Annual Drunken Barn Dance] We got tired of dancing, so we went off to find a private spot. ["There you are…"] I knew that she wanted me, because she kept saying romantic things.
||Ms. Cartman:||Oh, Chief. I want your hot man chowder.
||Chief Running Water:||Whoa, Helloooh!! [They start kissing. A man vomits and passes out]
||Ms. Cartman:||[interrupting the action] Wait. Wait. [She looks towards the entrance, and the Chief rolls back] Who is that? [some funk plays as Chef makes his entrance and waves hello to everyone. She looks at Chef. "There you are like a throbbing star-" Now these two focus in on each other] Chief… could you excuse me for a minute?
||Chief Running Water:||Huh?? [Ms. Cartman gets up and leaves] You gotta be kidding me.
||Ms. Cartman:||[approaching Chef] Why hello there. I don't think I've seen you around before. [flirts with him gently]
||Chef:||Nawh. I'm new in town.
||Ms. Cartman:||Wehell, what's a nice, handsome, black [looks at his crotch. He follows her gaze] man like yourself doing in a pit like South Park?
||Chef:||I'm gonna open up my own restaurant here.
||Ms. Cartman:||Mmmm-my, how exciting. Would you care to… put your tongue in my mouth?
||Chef:||Daaamn, baby! You cut right to the chase, don't you?
||Ms. Cartman:||Ahah, I'm plastered! [tongues come out and they start kissing]
||Cartman:||[alone with the Chief] His tongue? Chef?? Chef is my dad??
||Chief Running Water:||He's the last person I saw with your mom that night.
||Cartman:||Oh my God! I'm a black African American!
||[Back in town, the following day. Kenny is trying to start a go-cart]
||Stan:||Come on, Kenny, get the go-cart going. I wanna ride it.
||Kyle:||Did you send the videotape to America's Stupidest Home Videos?
||Stan:||Yeah. I mailed it last night. What sucks is that now I'll have to actually watch that Bob Saget guy to find out if we won.
||Kyle:||If we win, we can buy a new go-cart that actually runs.
||Stan:||[with the right hand cupped to the side of his mouth] Shhh! Here comes Cartman.
||Cartman:||[with rap beats playing now] 'S up, homies? [he's dressed in a red jogging suit and white sneakers. He has a large clock hanging off his necklace and sports a high flat-top. On his right hand are some brass knuckles with the work 'PIE' grafted to them.]
||Cartman:||I was just down in the SPC kickin' it with some G's on the Westsa-eed-eh.
||Kyle:||You live on the Eastside, Cartman!
||Stan:||Dude, I thought you said you were Native American.
||Cartman:||[aloofly] Weh hunh hrhrh hrh huh-right! Like I'm some hippie Indian. [Stan and Kyle just look at him] You know what I'm sayin' G? Check you later-I'm gonna go chill with mide-my dad. [start to moonwalk away to the sound of scratchin']
||Stan:||Dude. We should be videotaping this. We could make another $10,000.
||[Kenny finally gets the go-cart going, but is yanked behind it. It won't let him go, and a variation on Mission Impossible begins to play]
||Kenny:||(Guuyys! Could you please make it stoopp?!!)
||Stan, Kyle:||Hold on, Kenny!
||Kenny:||(Oof. Oh this Goddamned freakin'- [hits a bump on the road] AARGH [the go-cart returns and goes into the snow] Goddamn, why- [goes into a tight grove of trees, then exits] Oh this freakin'- [hits a boulder] AARGH [the go-cart lands upside down on some tracks. Kenny gets up and dusts himself off.] Phew. [The guys look at him and he waves to them] Well, I'm fine, guys! [they smile and wave back.] Now if I can- [a train strike him and the go-cart, obliterating both]
||Stan:||Oh my God, they've killed Kenny.
||[Chef's house. Cartman arrives]
||Chef:||[studying…] Boy, what the fudge are you doin'?
||Cartman:||You know, jus'… layin' down some rhymes for G-folk, you know what I'm sayin'?
||Chef:||Get in here! [drags him in]
||Chef:||[now in the living room with Cartman] Take that wig off! [does it himself] What's gotten into you?!
||Cartman:||You're my dad, Chef. Chief Running Water said - you got together with my mom at the Drunken Barn Dance.
||Chef:||What?! Noh! Uh, did I?
||Cartman:||He said you kissed her with your tongue.
||Chef:||Ooooh-ho-ho-hoh hohohohoh, that's different. Women don't get pregnant from tongue-kissing, children.
||Cartman:||[dejected] Huho. So you're not my dad?
||Chef:||Of course not. Here. You children sit down, [props him up on a stool] and let me explain somethin' to you about where babies come from. THEN, you'll see why I can't be your dad.|
When a man loves a woman, and a woman loves a man,
Oooooooooo And they roll around and now things a-really startuh getting hot
Finally she comes back, and she says, "Baby, I'm gettin' hot!"
|Cartman:||What?! Who the hell did that to my mom at the Drunken Barn Dance?!
||Chef:||Oh, children, that was a long time ago. But I'll tell you what I remember. [Back at the Drunken Barn Dance. Chef is kissing Ms. Cartman on the hay stack]
||Ms. Cartman||Whoa, Chef! [he pulls away a bit] You're so strong!
||Jimbo:||Hey, everybody, look who's here! The AFC Champion Denver Broncos! [The barn door opens and the Broncos pour in. Most of them are "hutt-hutting"]
||Bronco 1:||Are we late for the party?
||Bronco 2:||What the hell town is this?
||Ms. Cartman||[getting in the mood: "There you are, like a shining star. I want-"] Oooohh, Chef! Woooo, Chef!
||Chef:||Damn, woman, what's gotten into you?!
||Ms. Cartman||Woooh! Whooppee!! [throws her arms out in ecstacy] Unhh! [a hand appears from under the hay. Chef grabs it and pulls the rest of the body up]
||Chef:||Garrison! What the hell are you doing?!
||Mr. Garrison:||You're drunk, Mr. Hat! [Mr. Garrison is rather pleased that he did quite a bit without getting caught. Ms. Cartman now looks at Mr. Garrison. "There you are-"]
||Chef:||Ooooh, man! I'm outta here!
||Ms. Cartman||Come on, Chef! Haven't you ever heard of a manage o'three?
||Chef:||Yeah! When two women are involved. [moves away]
||Mr. Garrison:||Damn, Damn, Damn!! Oh well, I guess it'll just have to be you and me, Ms. Cartman. [moves quickly on top of her and starts kissing her]
||Chef:||And that's… who she was with last! Mr. Garrison!
||Cartman:||No! Noooooo! No, God, Nooo!
||[Stan's house that afternoon. He, Kyle, and Grampa are once again looking at TV]
||Announcer:||And now, back to America's Stupidest Home Videos-
||Bob Saget:||Here's a video sent to us that shows a very disturbed little boy.
||Cartman:||Why, thank you Polly Prissy Pants. You are my best friend. [the audience is watching]
||Polly:||I think you are one of the coolest people in the world, Eric. And you are not fat at all. [the audience starts to laugh]
||Cartman:||Realy? You don't think so?
||Clyde:||Naw, you're not fat.
||Cartman:||[grabs a teacup] Gee, that's kewl. [The audience is laughing harder. Stan and Kyle are laughing with the audience, and Stan's parents appear]
||Carol:||Aww, Stanley. We just heard the news that your little friend Kenny was killed by a train this morning.
||Stan:||Huh? [looks up at them] Oh yeah.
||Randy:||Is there-uh anything we can do for you, son?
||Stan:||How 'bout some ice cream?
||Kyle:||Yeah, with butterscotch. [Stan nods agreement]
||Carol:||You bet, you poor dears.
||Bob Saget:||Now, the moment you've all been waiting for, when one of our lucky videos qualifies for the $10,000 Grand Prize to be chosen tomorrow night! The winner is [drumroll crescendo] Little Boy's Tea Party
||Stan:||Oh, yeah! We're gonna be in the finals!
||Kyle:||We're gonna win $10,000! [Grampa doesn't look pleased…]
||Stan:||Man! Cartman's gonna be famous! [Kyle dances gleefully]
||[The Bar. Mr. McCormick and Mr. Garrison are at the bar]
||Mr. Garrison:||Well, I guess we should go, Mr. Hat.
||Mr. Hat:||Oh, just one more Cosmopolitan, Mr. Garrison.
||Mr. Garrison:||Mr. Hat, you need to admit you have a drinking problem! [to the barkeep] Another Cosmo, please.
||Cartman:||[throwing the bar doors open] All this time! Why didn't you tell me, father?!
||Mr. Garrison:||What the hell are you talking about, Eric?
||Cartman:||It was you all along. You were with my mother the night of the Drunken Barn Dance!
||Mr. Garrison:||[gasps] Oh.
||Jimbo:||Garrison? That's impossible. He's gay.
||Mr. Garrison:||I am not gay!
||Cartman:||Then you did sleep with my mon?
||Mr. Garrison:||Okay, Okay! I admit it! I might have made love to your mother at the Drunken Barn Dance! But who here didn't?! [Everything stops and gasps are heard] Now come on, honestly. Who here has never had sex with Mrs. Cartman? [two men at a table look around and get shocked. Principa Victoria and the Mayor are seen next]
||Mayor:||[at the same time] Hmmm. [Jesus and the Priest look shocked as well. No one moves]
||Grizzled man:||I haven't.
||Mr. Garrison:||…You don't count, Halfy-you don't have any legs!
||Mr. Garrison:||So you see, Eric, anyone here could be your father. I'm afraid you're never going to know. [Cartman slumps and Jimbo takes pity on him]
||Jimbo:||[approaching him] Don't feel too bad there, kid. I never knew who my father was either. I mean, I did know who he was and well, we had some great times together in huntin' and fishin' whe-well, hell, you know what I mean. [a dirge plays as Cartman heads out of the bar. Jimbo and Mr. Garrison look on, as do Jesus and the Priest]
||Mephesto:||Wait, wait. [Cartman stops.] I know a way to find out. [He is at the bar with his little friend]
||Cartman:||[turns around] How?
||Mephesto:||At my laboratory. We can do DNA genetic testing. I'll take some of your blood along with the blood of everyone here, and we can determine who your father is.
||Cartman:||Really? You can? [the dirge turns hopeful]
||Mephesto:||Yes, of course! I mean, that much testing will cost a pretty penny but…
||Mephesto:||Three thousand should cover it.
||Cartman:||I don't have $3000.
||Mephesto:||Oh. Never mind.
||[The bus stop, next day. Stan and Kyle are waiting]
||Stan:||Dude! I can't wait to win that $10,000 on America's Stupidest Home Videos. I'm gonna buy the coolest go-cart ever.
||Kyle:||I'm gonna a Walkman with my half.
||Cartman:||[depressed] Hi guys.
||Stan:||How's it going, Cartman?
||Cartman:||Oh, fine. How are you guys?
||Kyle:||[looks at Stan; both are worried] Dude. What the hell is wrong with you?
||Cartman:||Ohh. Nothing. It's just… nothing.
||Stan:||Come on, what's the matter, Cartman?
||Cartman:||Well, I wanna know who my dad is, but… to find out they have to do these DNA tests, and they cost $3000 and… I don't have $3000.
||Stan:||Wow. We're sorry your mom's a whore, dude.
||Cartman:||Well, it sucks. I have to know who my father is, I just have to. Maybe I can work in a sweatshop for a while uh… [Stan and Kyle look at each other again, seeing who'll make a move first] Well, see you guys. I'm gonna go stay in my backyard for a while.
||Kyle:||Uuuh, Cartman. Wwe know how you can get $3000.
||Cartman:||[suddenly bright] You do?
||Stan:||Yyeah. We have a videotape that's in the finals for America's Stupidest Home Videos, and… if we win, we'll give you - 3000 of out $10,000 prize.
||Cartman:||You will? Wow, you guys are the best! Thank you guys!
||[Cartman's house that night. The boys are on the sofa]
||Announcer:||And now, back to America's Stupidest Home Videos-
||Cartman:||What kind of video did you guys make?
||Stan:||Uuh, you'll see.
||Bob Saget:||Well, it's time to crown the $10,000 winner. Our judges have norrowed it down to only three videos-first it's… "Dog Who Puts Hat On Master's Head."
||Falsetto:||Oh, I'm a little dog. I'm just a little dog. [picks up a hat and walks towards a man on a chair] Hahaha. [leaps up behind the man and drops the hat in place] Hold on, I've got to put a hat on my master's head, [jumps off, and the man turns to see the camera] hehehahahuh. [the audience laughs. One woman with red curly hair is particularly tickled by the video]
||Bob Saget:||And now our second finalist, "Little Boy Has A Tea Party." [Cartman reacts to what he sees on screen, which is a video of his tea party two days before]
||Cartman:||Why, thank you Polly Prissy Pants. You are my best friend.
||Polly:||Oh, thank you, Eric. [the audience starts to laugh. Cartman is shocked, and Kyle, seeing Cartman's reaction, is afraid]
||Bob Saget:||Boy! Looks like this kid needs some therapy! Heheheheheh, heheheh.
||Stan:||We're sure to win, Cartman. Then you get your DNA money! [Cartman's anger is beginning to build]
||Cartman:||I… am… so… pissed… off… right… now.
||Kyle:||[trying some encouragement] They laughed hardest at our video. We're gonna win! [Stan smiles, Kyle throws his arms up] We're gonna win!
||Bob Saget:||And finally our third contestant, "Young Child Gets Hit By A Train."
||Falsetto:||Oh, I'm such a cute little kid. [Stan and Kyle are shocked, Cartman is angrier] Hmmm, I wonder if I can get this go-cart started. [the go-cart starts and pulls Kenny along 'round a corner, back again, into some tree, and finally onto the railroad tracks] Oh! I hope I don't get hit by a train. [the train demolishes him] Ooooh, I sure did. [Stan and Kyle are agape, and the audience roars with laughter]
||Stan:||Oh my God, they videotaped killing Kenny!
||Bob Saget:||Now, that's what I call a joyride. Heeheeheeh. [The audience continues laughing] And the winner is, naturally, "Little Boy Being Hit By A Train," [Stan is stunned, Kyle is cross] Nnnnhnnnhnnnh. [the audience laughs harder]
||Stan:||Dude. We lost.
||Cartman:||[slowly, deliberately] I am going to fucking kill you guys, seriously. [getting more livid with every word]
||Bob Saget:||Stand up and take a bow, Mr. Marsh.
||Grampa:||I won! I won! [So that's why they were at Cartman's]
||Bob Saget:||Our other finalists will have to settle for their $3000 runner-up prizes-well, see you next time. [chuckles as the show ends]
||Kyle:||Did you hear that, dude? We still get $3000. That's enough for you to do your DNA test.
||Cartman:||[very livid now] Kill… you… guys! Kill you guys!!
||[South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch. Thunder and lightning abound.]
||Mephesto:||All right. From everyone's accounts, I've narrowed down Eric's possible father… to the people in this room: Officer Barbrady, Chef [blinks up], Jimbo [a bit shocked], Mr. Garrison [eyebrows up], Ned, Chief Running Water, Gerald Broflovski [surprised], myself, my friend Kevin [looks up at him], or, the 1989 Denver Broncos.
||Stan:||Wow. I always knew Cartman's mom was a slut, but Goddamn!
||Mephesto:||The test results are in this envelope. [Cartman is hopeful] Shall I… open it?
||Mr. Garrison:||[impatiently] Yes! For God's sake, get on with it!
||Mephesto:||Erhum ehrum uh [gasps] The father of Eric Cartman is indeed, someone in this room. The father is-
||Announcer:||[an organ plays] Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it - Chief Running Water? [looks askance] Or is it - Chef? Is it Mephesto? [looks around] Or that little monkey guy that follows him around? Or is it Mr. Garrison?
||Jimbo:||Nope. He's gay.
||Mr. Garrison:||You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
||Announcer:||Is it Jimbo?
||Announcer:||Or is Officer Barbrady?
||Officer Barbrady:||Huh?! Where?!
||Announcer:||Or could it be Ned?
||Announcer:||Or Mr. Broflovski??
||Kyle:||[pissed] Dad, how could you?!
||Announcer:||Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? The answer is coming on an all-new South Park, in just four weeks.
||Cartman:||What?! [enunciating] Son of a bitch!!
||[End of Cartman's Mom Is A Dirty Slut]