Stan
Kyle
Cartman
Kenny
Butters
Mr. Mackey
Randy Marsh
Al Gore
Tour Guides
Tour Group
Woman in the Tour Group
Firemen
Rangers
Police Officer
HBC Reporter
| [South Park Elementary school gym, day. The student body is gathered there to hear from a guest speaker. Mrl. Mackey is presiding] | |
| Mr. Mackey: | M'kay, students, we have a very special guest speaker today. Who can tell me the name of our country's last vice-president? |
| Kyle: | Dick Cheney? |
| Mr. Mackey: | No, the last one. |
| Butters: | Bill Clinton. |
| Mr. Mackey: | No, Clinton's vice-president. [no one has an answer] He is here today to talk to you students about some very serious issues. Please welcome Al Gure. [some applause. Al Gore arrives and Mr. Mackey steps away to one side] |
| Stan: | Who? |
| Al Gore: | Thank you, Mr. Mackey, students of South Park Elementary.. I'm here to educate you about the single biggest threat to our planet. You see, there is something out there which threatens our very existence and may be the end of the human race as we know it. I'm talking of course about... [a projector comes on and a picture of a monster appears] Manbearpig. [a beast with the legs and tail of a pig, the body and arms of a bear, and the face and upper-body posture of a man] |
| Kyle: | [softly, to Stan] Manbearpig? [Stan just turns his hands up and shrugs] |
| Al Gore: | It is a creature which roams the earth alone. It is half man, half bear, and half pig. Some people say that Manbearpig isn't real. Well, I'm here to tell you know, Manbearpig is very real, and he most certainly exists. I'm serial. Manbearpig doesn't care who you are or what you've done. Manbearpig simply wants to get you! I'm super-serial. [Mr. Mackey and Mrs. Garrison just look at each other.] But have no fear, because I am here to save you! And someday, when the world is rid of Manbearpig, everyone will say "Thank you, Al Gore. You're super awesome." The end. |
| Mr. Mackey: | [reappears and clips a little] Uhhh, ohhhkay, thank you Mr. Gore. |
| Al Gore: | Thank you, class. Excelsior! [Stan and Kyle just blink at each other] |
| [South Park, evening. The boys are playing basketball in a neighborhood park. Cartman has possession of the ball] | |
| Cartman: | [giggles as he dribbles] Check out this sweet move. [tries to dribble around Kyle, but Kyle blocks him] Kyle, you can't block like that. |
| Kyle: | Just play the game, fatass! |
| Stan: | [open under the net] Pass it to me, Cartman? |
| Cartman: | Hang on. I'm going to do something killer. [tries to fake Kyle out, but Kyle taps the ball away. Cartman goes after it] God damnit, stop it, Kyle! |
| [nearby, as the moon rises over the mountains, a shadow moves across the forest, its claws fairly visible] | |
| Cartman: | [tries again, moving Kyle back some] All right, check it out. This is a total Kobe Bryant I'm about to do. [keeps dribbling without making a move] |
| Kyle: | Just take a shot or pass the ball, asshole! It's getting late! |
| [the beast moves closer to some bushes, then stands up and sees the basketball court] | |
| Cartman: | Let's just see who gets the ball this time, Jewboy! [again tries to get by Kyle, but Kyle taps the ball away again. Cartman chases it down again.] Kyle, knock it off! [the beast breaks through the bushes and steps onto the basketball court. Cartman continues to dribble] |
| Stan: | Cartman, stop hogging the goddamned ball! |
| Beast: | FOOD! [it's Al Gore in a homemade manbearpig costume. The boys turn to see who it is] Don't worry, it's not really manbearpig. It's me, Al Gore. |
| Kyle: | We know. [several seconds of silence follow] |
| Cartman: | Dude, what are you doing? |
| Al Gore: | I'm spreading manbearpig awareness. Here, each of you kids take a pamphlet and a bumper sticker. [Kyle looks at the sticker; the sticker has a "manbearpig" crossed out by a red circle and bar, and the words "We must all stop ManBearPig" to the left of the manbearpig] I hope now you boys see that this is totally serial. The next time, it could be the "real" manbearpig. Can I just get you to sign the awareness sheet? Just your name and phone number and where you first heard about manbearpig? |
| Randy: | [waiting nearby in the family car] Uhh, Stan? |
| Stan: | Oh, hey Dad. |
| Al Gore: | [turns around slowly and waves] Hello. |
| Randy: | [vigilant] It's ah, getting late, boys. Why don't you get in the car and I'll drive you all home? |
| Kyle: | Okay, Mr. Marsh. [the boys move towards the car] |
| Al Gore: | Be safe. [the boys get in the car and Randy drives off. Al Gore looks on as they leave, then turns around and walks off in the opposite direction] |
| [Randy's car.] | |
| Randy: | Boys, I don't want you hanging out with that ex vice-president anymore, okay? |
| Stan: | Aw, he's all right, Dad. He was just trying to warn us about ManBearPig. |
| Randy: | ManBearPig? |
| Kyle: | He's half man and half bearpig |
| Cartman: | No, dude, he's half man and half bear and half pig. |
| Kyle: | That doesn't make any sense. |
| Stan: | He could be half bear, half manpig. |
| Randy: | Boys, there's no such thing as a manbearpig. The vice president is just desperate for attention. |
| Stan: | But I feel kind of bad for him, Dad. I don't think he has any friends. |
| [Stan's room, night. He's fast asleep when his phone rings. Stan sits up and rubs his eyes, then hops off his bed and goes to answer the phone on his desk.] | |
| Stan: | Hello? |
| Al Gore: | Hello, this is Al Gore. |
| Stan: | [shuts his eyes and covers them with his left hand] Oh man... Hi Mr. Gore. |
| Al Gore: | I was the vice president. |
| Stan: | I know. |
| Al Gore: | Can you and your friends make it to an emergency manbearpig meeting tomorrow morning? I have some evidence he could be in this area. |
| Stan: | Eh look, I'm sorry but, we're all kind of busy. |
| Al Gore: | [several seconds of silence] Oh. I get it. You don't believe me either. |
| Stan: | No, no, it's not that. |
| Al Gore: | Yes it is. Nobody believes me! [gets emotional] I'm trying to warn everybody and nobody takes me serial! [begins weeping over the phone] I just want somebody in the world to take me serial just for once. |
| Stan: | Ih it's okay, Mr. Gore, I, I believe you. |
| Al Gore: | No you don't. |
| Stan: | Yeah, I'm sure ManBearPig needs to be stopped. I'm just... I'm just scared that I can't do anything to stop him. |
| Al Gore: | Are you serial? |
| Stan: | ...Yes, I'm serial. |
| Al Gore: | [reinvigorated] Don't worry! We CAN stop him! Bring everyone you can to my manbearpig meeting tomorrow at 8 a.m. sharp! [hangs up] |
| [A Komfort Inn, morning. The boys climb up to the second floor and walk to Room 2B] | |
| Cartman: | Dude, why are we going to hang out with this guy? |
| Kenny: | (Yeah, I don't get it.) |
| Stan: | Come on, you guys, Al Gore doesn't have any friends. We'll just make an appearance at his little meeting and then we'll go. [the door opens and Al Gore greats the boys] |
| Al Gore: | Hi kids! Come on in! [the boys follow him in] Okay, let's get this meeting started. Whattoo you kids think we should do to stop ManBearPig? |
| Stan: | Yyeah, you know, Mr. Gore, uh, my dad's a geologist, and he said that ManBearPig probably isn't in Colorado. |
| Al Gore: | [alerted, goes down on one knee] What does your dad look like?? Does he have large hooves where his feet should be?? |
| Stan: | NO. |
| Al Gore: | Damn. For a minute there, I thought we found him. |
| Stan: | Well, this was a great meeting. Wasn't it, guys? But, we gotta get goin' to school now. |
| Al Gore: | [an alarm goes off nearby] Oh my God! [runs to his control center and leans back in his chair to look closely at his monitor. He begins to type quickly] ManBearPig screen active! What is this area of Colorado! It's a it's a cave of some kind! [a map of Cave of the Winds is shown, with the target below the text blinking] |
| Kyle: | Yeah, that's Cave of the Winds. It's a tourist attraction. |
| Al Gore: | Oh Jesus on ice skates, we've gotta get down there right away. |
| Cartman: | Ah I don't think so, dude. [the boys head for the door] |
| Kyle: | Yeah, we've got school anyway. |
| Al Gore: | I can get you all excused from school. [the boys stop in their tracks and turn around.] |
| Cartman: | You... have that kind of power? |
| Al Gore: | Look! You boys have a chance to help me find and kill ManBearPig once and for all! I'm totally serial! |
| [Wonderful Cave of the Winds, day, inside. A tour group gathers to embark on its tour] | |
| Tour Guide: | Hello everyone, welcome to Cave of the Winds. Our tour is gonna take us to two chambers in one of the most elaborate cavern systems in Colorado. [his head bobs as he sighs] Before we get started I do understand we have a special guest in our group today: the ex vice president, Mr. Al Gore. [one or two people clap, and Gore smiles at the two ladies, one on either side of him] Mr. Gore asked me to make sure you all knew he was here. Now, once we enter the cave we do ask you that you follow two rules: stay on the path and do not touch anything. Aright, are we ready? |
| Group: | Yeah. |
| Tour Guide: | Let's go cavin'. [turns on his headlight, opens the velvet rope and leads the group into the cave] |
| [The tour.] | |
| Tour Guide: | Here we are in the main chamber of the cave; it was discovered in 1892 and first used as a hideout for smugglers of the Old West. |
| Al Gore: | Have you noticed high deposits of sulfur or a salmon-like odor coming from the caves lately? |
| Tour Guide: | [to Al Gore] Ahh, no. [adressing the group] Now, as you can see, the cave is filled with stalagmites and stalagtites. Water drips from the cave's... |
| Al Gore: | All right, kids, I need you to keep an eye out for manbearpig droppings. |
| Kyle: | What do manbearpig droppings look like? |
| Al Gore: | Similar to pig droppings, but more manbearlike. |
| Tour Guide: | These rocks often make interesting shapes which we like to name. For instance, this one here we named "The Hanging Mushroom." [a solid stalagtite in the shape of a penis] And over here we have "Man With Helmet and Two Bowling Balls." [a massive stalagmite, again in the shape of a penis and two large testicles] And finally, of course, the "Two Sisters." [two smaller stalagmites, each the shape of a penis and testicles] Now the cave itself is millions of years old and has a constant temperature of 57 degrees. |
| Al Gore: | Groan! Groan! [this stops the tour and everyone turns to face him] |
| Tour Guide: | Sir? Mr. Gore? Is there a problem? |
| Al Gore: | Not yet. |
| Tour Guide: | All right, everyone, if you'll step this way, you'll see how the cave gets its name. [the group moves forward] |
| Al Gore: | [looks at an opening and motions the kids over] Kids! Kids, over here! Look. |
| Kyle: | What? |
| Al Gore: | I bet this is where he's hiding. [shines his light around] This looks like ManBearPig Central. Come on! [goes down the path he found] Come on! This is where ManBearPig is! I'm serial! [the boys follow him down the path. They have officially broken from the group.] |
| Tour Guide: | In certain areas of the cave, the wind actually blows through, causing a sound you can hear. [the cave begins to howl] |
| Group: | Wow... |
| Woman: | Take a picture of the sound, Steven. [her husband takes the picture.] |
| [Al Gore's path] | |
| Stan: | Mr. Gore, I I think we should stay with the tour group. |
| Al Gore: | [hearing the wind] Wait! Shhh. [concludes] Christ! He's here! Take this rope! [hands some rope to Stan] Be ready to tie him up! [brings out a shotgun] I've got you now, you son of a bitch! [begins shooting randonly, and bits of the cave ceiling begin falling] |
| Kyle: | What are you doing?! [bigger chunks of cave fall between Al Gore and the boys] |
| Stan: | Oh no! |
| Al Gore: | No! |
| The Boys: | Aaaah! [the boys are now sealed off from Al Gore. Gore turns around and assumes the worst] |
| Al Gore: | Leave them alone, you Goddamned ManBearPig! |
| The Boys: | Help! |
| Al Gore: | Damn you ManBearPig! They're just children! |
| [The tour. Chunks of cave begin falling along its path as well, and the tour guide takes appropriate action] | |
| Tour Guide: | O-kay, everyone, out of the cave. Now! [the group turns around and runs back towards the entrance. The collapse follows the group] Go! Go! Go out, now! [the last person out of the cave is Al Gore, and the cave entrance is sealed shut by the collapse of the cave ceiling] |
| [The inner collapse.] | |
| Kyle: | Hello? |
| Stan: | Help! |
| Kyle: | We're trapped in here! |
| Cartman: | Somebody get us some help down hyah! |
| Kyle: | Hello, help! |
| Cartman: | Hello?? |
| Kenny: | (Hello!) |
| Stan: | Help! |
| Kyle: | Forget it! They can't hear us! |
| Kenny: | (What are we gonna do??) |
| Cartman: | [pointing at Stan] You'd better get us out of here, asshole! |
| Stan: | [faces Cartman] Me?? |
| Cartman: | You just had to go and be nice to Al Gore! Now we're trapped in a cave! |
| Stan: | Maybe there's another way out of here. |
| Kenny: | (Oh, no kidding.) |
| Kyle: | A-all right, let's split up and look for a passageway. E-everyone take a different direction. [the boys split up. Kyle climbs along a pile of boulders] Oh man, we're in big trouble here. |
| Cartman: | [scrambling along his own path] This is... bullcrap! If I'ma thin I'm gonna be so... pissed off! [loses his footing and slides down some distance to the floor. He gets up and coughs from all the dust that went up around him] Goddamnit! [reaches down and grabs his flashlight. He slaps it until it comes back on, coughs, and looks ahead. His eyes grow big. Before him is "Smuggle's Den," a corner of the cave in which sits an open treasure chest and two skeletons guarding it. Gold and jewelry are in and around the chest, while the skeletons have guns in their hands. Cartman approaches slowly, in awe] |
| Kyle: | You see anything, Kenny?? |
| Kenny: | (No, nothing!) [Cartman is frozen, speechless] |
| Kyle: | Cartman?? Cartman, you see anything?? |
| Cartman: | [in a soft, trembling voice] No, nothing [clears his throat and speaks normally] No, nothing here! Nothing this way! [his eyes fixed on the look, he swoons] Tr... treasure. |
| Kyle: | Cartman, you okay?? [Cartman snaps out of it] You need help?? |
| Cartman: | I'm fine! This way is just a... dead end! Coming back to you now! [turns to head back to the other boys, but turns around one last time to remember where the treasure is, then heads back to his friends.] |
| Kyle: | It looks like we're completely sealed in. |
| Kenny: | (Yes, I see that.) |
| Stan: | [returning] There's a small passageway about 200 yards over there, but... it goes for a long long way and it's pretty steep. [Cartman arrives] |
| Kyle: | Maybe we should go for it. |
| Cartman: | You guys go on ahead. I'm gonna... stay here, wait it out. [the other three boys turn to face him] |
| Kyle: | Why? |
| Cartman: | I just... I I don't feel very good. I'll just wa-, I'll just weigh you guys down. |
| Stan: | Cartman's right. First rule of survival is stay put and wait to be rescued. |
| Cartman: | No, it's okay. You guys go on ahead. |
| Kyle: | No, we'll stay here too. If we start wandering off, we're gonna get lost or killed. Let's just wait here and hope help comes soon. |
| Cartman: | That's cool. I just... I just wouldn't go over there [points to his last location] if I were you guys. I just took a huge dump. |
| Kyle: | Aw, dude! [lifts his jacket over his nose.] |
| [Cave of the Winds, outside. Rescue personnel have arrived and make their way towards the cave entrance. the tour guide demosntrates on a map what happened.] | |
| Tour Guide: | The cave-in was massive. It has cut off all access in or out. The children are believe to be trapped somewhere in this area. [circles with his index finger an area on the right side of the map] |
| Tour Guide 2: | Does anybody know who these kids are? |
| Tour Guide: | No, nobody seems to knew them. Only that they were in the tour group. Digging to them is going to take days. |
| Al Gore: | [arrives, interrupting] Excuse me, Excuse me. This cave-in was no accident, and it isn't going to stop unless we move fast! I am super... duper... serial! |
| Tour Guide: | What do you mean? The cave-in is over. |
| Al Gore: | I'm afraid you have a much bigger problem than a cave-in. |
| Tour Guide: | What's that? [Gore whips out a drawing of ManBearPig] |
| Fireman: | What is that, a pigbearman? |
| Al Gore: | No, stupid! It's ManBearPig! |
| [Back at the inner collapse] | |
| Stan: | I'm sooo hungry. Do you think people even know we're here? |
| Kyle: | They saw us on the tour. [Cartman comes back from the den] Dude, where do you keep going, Cartman? |
| Cartman: | I just... n-need to keep taking a crap. I got diarrhea, really bad. |
| Kyle: | Dude, it's bad enough we have to sit here without you taking a crap every ten minutes! |
| Stan: | Let's just try to sleep. Maybe help will come tomorrow. |
| [Sleep time at the inner cave-in. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny sleep. Cartman sits alone, smiling] | |
| Cartman: | [softly throughout] All that treasure. [gets excited] It's all mine! [gets angry] So long as these greedy assholes don't find out about it! [looks at the other boys] You would all just looove to get your hands on my treasure, wouldn't you?! Even though I found it, you'd love to think it's somehow yours, too! God, I hate you guys! [begins to crawl towards Kyle] Especially you, you money-grubbing snake in the grass! [reaches Kyle so that his face is smiling evilly down at Kyle's face. He whispers] Well I have news for you, Kyle! You're never going to get my treasure. I've got a little plan going, to get the treasure out of here without you ever knowing. [Kyle stirs and wakes up] |
| Kyle: | C-Cartman? |
| Cartman: | [says nothing for a few seconds, then] Oh. Hey Kyle. How's it goin'? |
| Kyle: | Dude, what are you doing? |
| Cartman: | Not much. You know, just hangin' out. How've you been, man? Good? |
| Kyle: | Dude, get away from me! |
| Cartman: | Yeah. It's nice talking with you, Kyle. See you around. [gets off Kyle] |
| [Cave of the Winds, outside. The rescue personnel - rangers, firefighters, and paramedics - return to their work] | |
| Al Gore: | [whining, stamps his right foot when saying "serial"] Why won't anybody listen to me?! ManBearPig is in there and we have to kill him while we all have the chance. I'm serial! |
| Tour Guide 3: | Mr. Gore, please, we need you to calm down. Now, w-what exactly do you suggest we do? |
| Al Gore: | I told you we need to fill the cave with hot molten lead, 'cause it's the only way to make sure ManBearPig never comes out! And I'm sane and I'm totally serial, but everyone just keeps digging! |
| Tour Guide 3: | Well, see, the problen is that if we fill the caves with hot molten lead, it will kill those boys too. |
| Al Gore: | They're already dead! Didn't you listen to me?? They got attacked by a manbearpig and ManBearPig leaves nobody alive! I'm super sierous!! Nobody will listen to me but I'm seriouth! [begins to weep] |
| Police Officer: | Do you want me to get the ex vice president out of here? |
| Tour Guide: | Naw, I f- I feel kind of bad for him. I don't think he has any friends. |
| [Smuggler's Den, some time later. Cartman makes his way to it again with a bottle of water in his right hand. He heads straight for the treasure and cackles softly, then stops] | |
| Cartman: | [determined] All right. Gotta be strong. [looks at the coins in his hands] There's still a lot more treasure to go. [begins to swallow the coins and wash them down with "WOTTUR." He soon runs into some difficulty swallowing and drinking, so it seems like he's puking. The other three boys are awake and listening with concern] |
| Stan: | Dude, he's really sick. [Cartman has moved on to swallowing necklaces and loose gemstones] |
| [Cave of the Winds, outside. The media have gotten wind of the story, so an HBC reporting crew has joined the rescue personnel] | |
| HBC Reporter: | It's been three days since four unidentified children were trapped in a cave-in. Three days without food and time is certainly running out. The digging continues, but progress is fatally slow. |
| Tour Guide: | All right, people, we've gotta work faster! Our best estimate still puts us three days from reaching the area of the cave called Smuggler's Den. |
| Ranger: | Smuggler's Den? |
| Tour Guide 4: | Ih it's a room near the end of the tour where you can get your picture taken with fake treasure. Here, see? [holds up a picture of two kids standing in front of the treasure] |
| Tour Guide: | Based on where the boys were seen last, they're somewhere near this area! Hopefully they've followed the first rule of survival and stayed put. |
| [Back at the inner collapse. Stan is asleep and Kyle goes to wake him] | |
| Kyle: | Stan! Stan, wake up! |
| Stan: | [wakes up and rubs his eyes] Huh? What? Have they come for us? |
| Kyle: | No, it's Cartman. Something's really wrong with him. [moves off, and Stan follows. Stan shines his light on Cartman, who's now overstuffed with the treasure he's been swallowing. Kenny holds the water bottle Cartman was drinking from] |
| Cartman: | Meh, meuh urgh. [coughs] Mbeuh. |
| Stan: | Oh my God. [runs up to Cartman] Cartman? Dude, can you hear me? |
| Cartman: | [cough] I'm fahn. Just a lit- [gulp] No big deal. [burps] Beh. |
| Kyle: | [taps Stan and takes him aside] We can't wait here any longer! Dude, we've gotta get him out of here or he's gonna die. |
| Stan: | How, dude? We c- we don't even know if that passage I found goes anywhere. |
| Kyle: | Maybe we should get out first. See if we can find a way out and then come back for him. |
| Cartman: | NO DON'T! Don't leave me here, you assholes. Don't leave me here to die. [coughs] |
| [Cave of the Winds, outside. The rescue mission continues] | |
| [Back at the inner collapse. Stan, Kyle and Kenny have climbed out and have wrapped Cartman up to hoist him out. Cartman coughs as he rises to the top. The boys are pulling with all their might] | |
| Kyle: | Come on come on! Pull! |
| Stan: | Goddamnit, he's soo heavy! |
| Cartman: | Buh. Hurry you guys. You gotta get me out of here. [grunts, and a fart comes out. His face lights up in alarm] |
| Kyle: | What the hell is that?? |
| Stan: | Cartman? |
| Cartman: | You guys, we've got no time! You gotta get me out!! [the boys pull again.] |
| [A river nearby. A crane approaches the river with a hoist full of boulders. Al Gore is manning the crane, moving levers here and there, positioning the hoist] | |
| Al Gore: | This is the end of you, ManBearPig. [releases the boulders onto the river, and the water is diverted towards the cave] Excelsior! |
| [Cave of the Winds, outside. The rescue personnel stare as they notice water flooding towards the cave entrance. The water enters the cave] | |
| Kenny: | (We're almost there!) |
| Stan: | [exhausted] I can't keep carrying him, dude! I've got no strength! |
| Cartman: | Yes you do! [something drops, and the roar of flooding water is heard] |
| Kyle: | What the hell is that? [the boys turn quickly to see where the sound is coming from, and the water appears. Cartman coughs again. The water turns twards them.] Oh my God. [the boys back up] |
| Cartman: | No! Let me out of here! Let me out of here, you guys! |
| Kyle: | Ruuun! [the boys turn and run from the advancing water, but it overtakes them, sweeping them along] |
| [Cave of the Winds, outside. The flash flood stops all activity] | |
| Tour Guide: | That's it! Pull everyone out! There's nothing more we can do! |
| Fireman 2: | You're calling off the rescue? |
| Tour Guide: | We didn't plan on a freak river flood. God must really want those kids dead. |
| Fireman 2: | Well what if the children aren't dead? |
| Tour Guide: | Look, the cavern is completely flooded. Nothing could have survived. There's nothing left alive down there. [the guide and fireman turn right and walk past Al Gore] |
| Al Gore: | [softly] Nothing left alive... [grins] I did it. I killed ManBearPig. I've saved the earth from certain destruction. Everyone is super-stoked on me, even if they don't know it. |
| [Cave of the Winds, inside. The boys have been swept into a newly-made lake. Stan is the first to pop up out of the water. He swims to a nearby bank and holds on to a boulder. Kenny pops up next to him] | |
| Stan: | Kenny! Here, take my hand! [Kenny does so and makes it to safety. A change of POV shows Kyle hauling Cartman] Hurry Kyle, the water's rising! |
| Cartman: | Grab my hand. |
| Kyle: | Car... Cartman! You've gotta swim! Kick with your legs! |
| Cartman: | I can't kick! |
| Kyle: | Yes you can! |
| Cartman: | I can't! Kick yourself back to safety! |
| Kyle: | I need your help! |
| Cartman: | No, you just have to save me. [Cartman stops and begins to drop down to the bottom, taking Kyle with him] |
| Stan: | Kyle! No! |
| [Cave of the Winds, outside. The music indicates a funeral, and it is so. Al Gore is at the podium giving a eulogy] | |
| Al Gore: | We are gathered here to say goodbye to four kids whom we all tried to help, but, in the end, could not. But where there is loss, there is hope. For ManBearPig is no more. |
| Tour Guide: | Oh Jesus, here we go again. [the mourners hold candles with little paper guards over their hands] |
| Al Gore: | I have beaten ManBearPig, and we will never forget the names of the brave young kids who lost their lives. Kid 1, Kid 2, Kid 3, and of course, Kid 4. [off to the mourners' left, some rocks move and give way to a new opening] I remember how Kid 1 used to laugh and play. [a tour guide notices and watches. The rocks move some more and Stan appears] And how Kid 2 was always there when I needed him. |
| Stan: | Agh. |
| Tour Guide 5: | [jumps out of his seat and stands up] Oh my God! ["Kid 4 was filled with hope and ... terrorism when..." Stan and Kyle work to pull Cartman out, but it's hard] |
| Tour Guide: | It's the kids! [everyone rises and runs towards the boys] |
| Tour Guide 5: | They're alive! [all four of them are out now] |
| Al Gore: | [walks up to the boys] Kids! I saved you! |
| Stan: | Stay away from us, asshole! I was nice to you because I felt sorry for you, because you don't have any friends! But now I see WHY you don't have any friends! You just used ManBearPig as a way to get attention for yourself because you're a LOSER!! |
| Al Gore: | [undaunted] Hyeah right. The man who singlehandedly killed ManBearPig is a loser. [grins. Cartman starts to groan] |
| Kyle: | We need to get our friend to a hospital right away! |
| Cartman: | No! No I'm fine! [begins to walk with difficulty] I just need to get home, a-and rest. |
| Stan: | Cartman, seriously, you need to see a doctor. |
| Cartman: | [leaving] Noo! I just need to get to a toilet. See you guys. I... [stops] habbeh... HABBEHHHHHHHHHH! [his pants rip open in the read and much of the treasure he had swallowed comes flying out of his body. Then he farts. A long silence follows as everyone looks at him and at the fake treasure he just pooped out] |
| Kyle: | Dude, did Cartman just crap treasure? |
| Cartman: | It's mine! It's mine, you hear me?! I got it out of the cave; it belongs to me! Keep your greedy hands away! |
| Tour Guide 4: | Hey, that looks like the fake treasure from our Smuggler's Den photo room. |
| Cartman: | That's right, and I... [looks at the tour guide] Fake treasure? |
| Tour Guide 4: | Yeah, we put it there for kids to take their picture with. All in all, I'd say that treasure is worth about fourteen dollars. |
| Cartman: | Noo... NOOO!! [craps out some more treasure] NOO! OW! |
| Kyle: | You made us pull you to safety because you ate treasure?! You son of a bitch! |
| Cartman: | Don't you think I'm hurting enough, Kyle?! Ah, ow!! [craps out even more fake treasure] Dowww! |
| Al Gore: | [now wearing a cape, loosely] Well, my work here is done. I've killed MBP, and now I must save the world from something else. Maybe I'll make a movie. A movie starring me. Then people will take me super serial. [runs off in superhero pose] |
| Cartman: | Eh! [a gold-colored vase pops out of his ass] |
| [End of Manbearpig.] |