Stan
Kyle
Cartman
Butters
Clyde
Token
Craig
Jimmy
Announcers
Umpires
Mr. Barkas
Mr. Donovan
Mr. Richard Tweek
Steven Stotch
Gerald and Sheila Broflovski
Randy and Sharon Marsh
Morgan Pratt and Mr. Pratt
Greeley Batter (Brian) and Dad
Pueblo Dad
Anchorman Tom, Reporter Chris
Tom "Bat Dad" Nelson
Fort Collins team
Pueblo Team
Denver Team
Kyle 1
| [A baseball field in scenic Rocky Mountain territory. Stan is on the pitching mound] | |
| Kyle: | [infield, right] This is is, Stan. If you strike this kid out, we all get to go home. |
| [Announcer's Booth] | |
| Local Announcer 1: | Now batting for Conifer is little Alan Barkas. [Alan gets ready to swing] |
| [The bleachers] | |
| Randy: | Heeey batterbatterbatterbatter heydn no hit no hit can't hit can't hit can't hit it can't hit it can't hit it. |
| Mr. Barkas: | Hit it out of the park, Alan! South Park sucks! |
| Mr. Donovan: | [Clyde's Dad] Just look at those boys out there, lovin' the great game of baseball like we did when we were kids. [sips] |
| [the field] | |
| Kyle: | Aw God, I'm so borrred. [Token yawns over at first base] |
| Butters: | I see a ladybug- Hello lady ladybug. [Stan simple stretches out his left arm and catches the ball, then pitches it to Alan. Alan swings and misses] |
| Umpire: | Strike. |
| Mr. Barkas: | That was no strike! What the hell is wrong with you, ref? |
| Randy: | Good call, ref! Good call! |
| Mr. Barkas: | Come on, Alan! This pitcher throws like a girl! |
| Randy: | What'd you say?! |
| Mr. Barkas: | You heard me, asshole! |
| Randy: | You want me to kick your ass right here?! [Mr. Barkas stands and looks at him] |
| Sharon: | Randy, sit down. |
| Mr. Barkas: | You want a piece of me?! 'Cause I'm pretty sick of your Goddamned mouth! |
| Randy: | [takes off his shirt and throws it aside and challengers] Whattaya wanna do, huh? Whattaya wanna do? |
| Sharon: | Randy, don't! |
| Mr. Barkas: | You'd better shut up, asshole! |
| Randy: | I'm standin' right here! How do you wanna handle it? |
| Mr. Barkas: | I told you to SHUT UP! [throws his beer at Randy. Randy takes his beef and throws it at Mr. Barkas. They start fighting back and forth. Stan looks on from the pitcher's mound] |
| Stan: | [turns away and hides his face in his right hand] Aw Jesus, not again. |
| [moments later] | |
| Kyle: | Come on, Stan! Just strike this kid out so we can end the season! [Stan puts on his game face and throws the pitch. Alan swings and misses] |
| Umpire: | Strike three! You're out! |
| Stan: | Yes! It's over! It's over! |
| Local Announcer 1: | That's it. South Park wins the game 4 to 0. |
| Cartman: | [runs to the mound] We're done! No more baseball! |
| Kyle: | No more boring baseball until next year! |
| Stan: | We can start having fun again! [falls to the ground and rolls around] |
| Cartman: | All right, we did it! [the rest of the team shows up and celebrates] |
| Stan: | We did it! We did it! |
| Steven: | [as the coach, arrives] Yeah, we did it, boys! We did it! We're going to the finals! Woohoo! [the boys stop cheering and look at him] |
| Stan: | ... What? |
| Steven: | Well we won! That means we've got the best record in the division! [the parents rush onto the field] |
| Gerald: | Congratulations, boys! You're goin' on to the post-season. Woohoo! |
| Cartman: | Post-season? |
| Kyle: | Nobody said anything about a post-season. |
| Tom: | [Craig's Dad] There's more little-league baseball for South Park! Yehheah! [the adults begin celebrating while the kids are dumb-struck] |
| Stan: | No... NOOO!! |
| [Outside, after the game. Randy is hauled off to a waiting Conifer patrol car, drunk and tattered. His pants are down to his ankles] | |
| Randy: | This is for what?! Arresting me for what?! I'm not allowed to stand up for myself?! I thought this was America! Huh?! Isn't this America!? I'm sorry, I thought this was America! [hie's put into the back seat] |
| [Whistlin' Willy's, night. The boys are gathered there for a pizza dinner] | |
| Kyle: | I can't believe it. I can't believe we have to keep on playing. |
| Cartman: | Nobody told us if we win too many games we'd go on to the finals! |
| Stan: | Look, you guys, maybe it's not all that bad. |
| Craig: | Not all that bad?? How could you say that?! You hate this game more than any of us! |
| Stan: | I know, but listen: the finals are all sudden-deatn elimination, right? That means as soon as we lose one game, our season is over. |
| Butters: | Well yeah, but... we usually win. |
| Craig: | All the other teams are worse than us. |
| Jimmy: | Yeah. Let's face it, we're winners. |
| Stan: | I know we can lose if we try. |
| Kyle: | You mean, throw the game? You know how our parents are about this sport. |
| Butters: | Yeah. My dad always said "It's Okay to lose, but if you don't try, wuh you're grounded, Mister." |
| The other boys: | Yeah, uh huh. |
| Stan: | Okay, so then we'll just tell the other team quietly that we're gonna let them win, and then we'll act like we're trying. Our parents will never know. |
| Butters: | We'd better hope they never know, or else there's gonna be heck to pay. Heck, I tell ya! |
| [At the entrance of Whistlin' Willy's, the adults are gathered, relaxing] | |
| Gerald: | Boy, that was great, wasn't it?! |
| Mr. Donovan: | Yeah, our boys really stuck it to 'em! [the doors open and Randy walks in] |
| Randy: | Heeey! |
| Men: | Heeey! |
| Steven: | You're out. [hands Randy a beer] |
| Gerald: | How much was bail this time? [hands Randy a beer] |
| Stan: | Hundred bucks, no big whoop. |
| Richard: | [Tweek's dad] Boy, you really beat the crap out of that Conifer dad. |
| Randy: | Well somebody had to put that knucklehead in his place. |
| Steven: | Yeah, well, you'd better watch yourself in the playoffs. |
| Randy: | Wha-what do you mean? |
| Steven: | I mean, you always get in a fight with scrappy redneck dats up here in the mountains, but some of those Division Two dads are tough! |
| Gerald: | Yeah, those dads get REALLY drunk and obnoxious. |
| Randy: | I can fight anybody. I just need to train. I just need to get in the best shape of my life. |
| [The master bedroom at the Marsh house. The alarm clock clicks 7:30 and the radio comes on] | |
| DJ: | -the Beatles in the White Album in Helter Skelter. Okay. [Randy clicks the radio off] |
| [Randy rises from the bed and sits up, leaves the bed and shrugs, and wipes his nose a bit. He enters the kitchen, gets a glass, then goes to the refrigerator. He gets three eggs, cracks them open on the rim of the glass, and pours them into the glass. He picks up the glass and moves off a bit, then pours the eggs into a hot pan and scrambles them. He then picks up a beer, drinks, burps, and farts] | |
| [Fort Collins baseball field, night] | |
| FC Announcer: | We want to welcome all South Park parents to Fort Collins, and the Little League Division One Playoffs. [applause all around as the teams meet on the field] |
| Stan: | Uhh, hay guys, look, we don't wanna win, so uh, [pulls out a yellow sheet of paper] here's a list of all the pitches I'm gonna throw, in order. |
| FC Team: | Ooooo! |
| FC Fat Player: | I don't think so, South Park |
| FC Pitcher: | Yeah, you think we wanna win? Then we have to keep playing this boring game! |
| FC Team: | Yeah! |
| Kyle: | You hate this game too? |
| FC Batter: | Yeah! And then we won the stupid regionals and had to do this lousy-ass tournament! |
| FC Catcher: | We wanna play video games. |
| Butters: | Oh no! |
| Stan: | Look! We're gonna be the losers tonight, all right?! |
| FC Pitcher: | I don't think so! There's no way you can lose to us! We're going doowwn! We're gonna get creeaamed! |
| Kyle: | No, we're gonna get creamed! |
| FC Batter: | We'll just see about that! |
| SP Team: | Oh yeah? |
| FC Team: | Yeah! |
| Randy: | Oh boy, they're really gettin' into each others' heads out there. [standa and claps] Yeah! Let's go, South Park! These Fort Collins kids got nothin'! Wooo! |
| Mr. Pratt: | [claps] Come on, Fort Collins! Let 'em have it! Yeah! |
| Randy: | [nudges Sharon] Guess that's my guy. I can take him, no problem. [drinks. On the field, Fort Collins is up at bat] |
| Cartman: | All right, hit one out of the park! |
| FC Announcer: | And first up for Fort Collins is... Morgan Pratt. |
| Randy: | Heeey batterbatterbatterbatter batteruuuuuuuupp batterbatterbatterbatter! |
| Mr. Pratt: | Knock it out of the park, Morgan! Cream these turds! [Morgan gets ready to swing, Stan sends his pitch and Cartman catches. Morgan does not swing] |
| Umpire: | Steerike! |
| Randy: | Yeah! |
| FC Team: | Yeah, all right! |
| Stan: | Damnit! |
| Cartman: | [sends the ball back to Stan] Come on, kid, you gotta at least swing at it. |
| Morgan: | No way! I'm striking out! |
| Kyle: | Dude, he's not gonna swing! So just throw balls. That way he'll have to walk to first base. [Stan thinks, then throws the pitch. It goes wide and Cartman catches it] |
| Umpire: | Ball! |
| Cartman: | All right! [throws it back to Stan] |
| FC Pitcher: | Morgan! |
| Morgan: | [looks over] What? |
| FC Pitcher: | You have to swing when it's a ball, otherwise, you're gonna walk to first base. Don't swing, only if it's a strike! |
| Morgan: | [faces the dugout] Well how the Sam Hell am I supposed to know if he's gonna be throwing a strike or a ball?! |
| FC Pitcher: | You just have to guess. |
| Morgan: | Aw, Jesus! [turns around and goes back to bat. Stan looks to Cartman for cues] |
| Cartman: | Ball. Balll. [Stan pitches right down the middle] |
| Umpire: | Steerike two! |
| Stan: | No! |
| Cartman: | That was no strike, that was a terrible pitch! You need some Goddamned lasik surgery! |
| Randy: | Attaway, South Park! They ain't swingin' at nothin'! |
| Mr. Pratt: | Come on Fort Collins! This team can't pitch! [Stan pitches, Morgan hits] There you go, Morgan! Run run run! |
| Morgan: | Aw damnit! [heads to first base] |
| FC Pitcher: | Why the hell did you swing at it?! |
| Morgan: | Well I thought he was gonna throw a ball that time! [Fort Collins is ahead 1-0. Another FC batter comes up...] |
| Umpire: | Strike three! You're out! |
| FC Batter 1: | All right! |
| [Later. Fort Collins is pitching; The pitch is wide as Cartman waits at bat] | |
| Umpire: | Ball four! |
| Cartman: | What?! |
| Randy: | Walk to first! Woo! |
| Cartman: | [throws his bat down and walks] Aw Goddamnit! [as Cartman walks to first, anotherr SP runner walks home] |
| Umpire: | Safe! |
| Kyle: | Crud! [the scorekeeper updates the board] |
| Randy: | Fort Collins can't play! |
| Mr. Pratt: | Why don't you shut your mouth before I kick your ass! |
| Randy: | [gets up and takes off his shirt] Come on, let's go! I'm right here! |
| Sharon: | Randy... |
| Mr. Pratt: | Sit down before you get hurt! [Randy throws his beer at him] Mother bitch! [the two men begin fighting on the bleachers] |
| Stan: | [sees, turns away and hides his face in his right hand] Goddamnit! [the men have taken the fight to the field and are next to a trashcan. Stan pitches and the FC batter fails to swing] |
| Umpire: | Strike three! [The South Park adults stand up and cheer. The next scenes go into time-lapse: more runs are added until the final score is reached: 4 - 3] |
| FC Announcer: | That's it. South Park wins the game. [the Fort Collins team cheers] |
| Stan: | Aw spit! [throws his mitt down on the mound. His father is arrested again with his pants around his ankles and hauled towards a waiting patrol car] |
| Randy: | [slurred] Oh I'm sorry! Why don'tcha get 'im on chars in America, I'm sorry! |
| [Greeley, CO, day, Greeley Field, home of the Tigers. Stan pitches, the Greeley batter chases a pitch] | |
| Umpire: | Strike three. You're out. |
| Greeley Batter: | [leaves] Yeah! |
| Greeley Team: | All right! Yeah! Woohoo! |
| Greeley Man: | Goddmanit Brian, swing! |
| Randy: | Greeley sucks! Greeley sucks! |
| [South Park is up. Its batter sees a ball and doesn't swing] | |
| Umpire: | Ball four! |
| Butters: | Aw hamburgers. [throws his bat aside] |
| SP Team: | God! [Randy takes off his shirt, challenges, and the two men begin to fight] |
| [on the field. The Greeley batter doesn't swing] | |
| Umpire: | Strike three! |
| Cartman: | How the hell was that a strike?! [starts kicking dirt on the umpire] Goddamnit, he's going to first! |
| [After the game. Randy is hauled off a third time] | |
| Randy: | What, is this a Communist country or something?! I thought this was America! |
| [Pueblo, CO. day. A Pueblo batter swings and misses] | |
| Umpire: | ¡Strrrrike tres! |
| Pueblo Team: | Bueno bueno! Bueno! Espectacular! |
| Pueblo Dad: | ¡Vamonos Pueblo! ¡Viva la Pueblo! |
| Randy: | [using a Spanish textbook for assistance] ¡Pueblo, no bueno! ¡Pueblo es muy mal! [a pitch is sent to an SP batter, who doesn't swing] |
| Umpire: | ¡Ball cuatro, por favor! [the scoreboard is updated, Randy fights with the Pueblo dad and is hauled off a fourth time] |
| Randy: | This is America! This is an honest America! |
| [Whistlin' Willy's. The team is at table again, but with a trophy they didn't want. The adults begin to approach them] | |
| Steven: | Can you believe it, boys?! We're playing in the State Championship Game! [the adults cheer] |
| Kyle: | We're so proud of you kids! |
| Cartman: | What happens if we win the State Championship game? |
| Steven: | Well, then your whole season starts over, but on the national circuit! You get to spend your whole summer playing baseball! |
| Kyle: | What?? |
| Mr. Donovan: | You could do it, kids! We know you can win State! |
| Steven: | Then we'll spend the whole summer going to Nebraska, and to Iowa, and Wyoming. |
| Stan: | Oh no. No, no, no! |
| [Outside the restaurant, day. Randy stands by the curb looking into space. He has a black eye. The doors open and Stan walks out] | |
| Stan: | Dad? Dad, we need to talk. |
| Randy: | [doesn't move] Can you believe it, Stan? State Championship game. It's... the greatest thing ever. |
| Stan: | [sighs] Goddamnit. [goes back into the restaurant] |
| Randy: | I've worked hard, believed in myself, and now I'm gonna be fighting in a State Championship game. [smiles] This is gonna be the biggest fight of my life. |
| [South Park News] | |
| Announcer: | This is News 4, at noon. |
| [Coors Field, in Denver] | |
| Anchor Tom: | The Colorado Little League State Championship is being played this week. Two teams of youngsters get to go head to head at the major-league stadium downtown. |
| Reporter: | Tom, I'm standing here with the little sluggers and some of their parents, and I can;t tell you how excited they are. |
| Stan: | I don't suppose you guys want to win this game. |
| Denver Player: | Win? Why the hell would we want to win? |
| Denver Player 2: | Yeah. Then we'd have to play this boring game all summer. |
| Reporter: | [draws closer to the teams] Little Stan Marsh is the pitcher for the South Park Little League team, and Stan, how does it feel to be playing for the State Championship? |
| Stan: | Gay. |
| Reporter: | Mr. Marsh, you must be very proud of your son. |
| Randy: | They've worked really hard to get here, Chris, and, you know, I don't like to really "trash-talk," but, I don't think Denver has a chance. |
| Reporter Chris: | Oho, well, I'm sure some of the Denver kids' parents would disagree with you and your team- |
| Bat dad: | [blue headdress and cape, pops in] Oh yeah! Oh yeah! [leaps closer to the camera] South Park is goin' down! Feel it comin'! [humps back to Randy] You ain't got a chance, South Park! Here we go, Denver, here we go! Huh, huh! |
| Sheila: | Who's that? |
| A Woman: | That's Tom Nelson, one of the Denver players' fathers. He goes to every game in that ridiculous outfit and usually drinks too much and gets into a fight. |
| Tom Nelson: | There ain't no way some little mountain kids can beat Denver. Not with my son on second base! |
| Reporter Chris: | Oho, looks like we got some parental trash talking going on here. Mr. Marsh, any comments? |
| Randy: | Well I think that there's a uh... |
| Tom Nelson: | Mr. Marsh?? Who wants to hear from a Mr. Marsh?! Iii am the ultimate Little League trash-talking father! Iii am the Bat Dad! |
| Denver Cop: | [one of two come to take him away] All right, Mr. Nelson, let's go, come on. |
| Tom Nelson: | Bat Dad knows no fear! Bat Dad knows no pain! I want you, Marsh! I want you!! |
| Reporter Chris: | Well, tension is certainly high here, but I guess everything will be decided on the playing field. |
| Randy: | [realizing he could end up like that] Oh my God. |
| Denver Player 3: | Good luck! You're gonna need it. |
| Denver Player 4: | Yeah, you can't lose to us. We're terrible. [the Denver team leaves, as do all the adults] |
| Kyle: | Dude, what are we gonna do?? We can't win this game. |
| Cartman: | Wiat. I've got it, you guys. A fifth point in a sports movie, the team always goes out and finds a really sweet player to join their team. |
| Clyde: | Like that motorcycle kid in Bad News Bears. |
| Cartman: | Exactly right, Clyde. So what we need... is to find somebody to join our team, who totally sucks ass. |
| Stan: | Hey yeah. We need to find the very worst kid athlete in the whole world. Somebody who can't possibly win. |
| Craig: | But who? |
| Kyle: | I know who. |
| [The airport, day] | |
| Announcer: | Announcing the arrival of flight six seven three, from New York City. [among the people leaving the airport is Kyle's cousin, Kyle] |
| Kyle 1: | I'm baaack! |
| Kyle: | There he is! Now, don't let him know we think he's a loser, or else he won't play. [the team goes up to greet him] |
| Kyle 1: | Hello, cousin Kyle. Oh Jesus, that flight was terrible. They served a chicken dish with hot sauce and it gave me gas. |
| Kyle: | Dude, thanks for helping us out by joining our team. |
| Kyle 1: | Well, you said you needed my help to win the big game, so here I am. I'll need a wipe cloth if I'm gonna play, though. Sometimes I sweat from holding the bat for so long and then the heat steams up my glasses. |
| Craig: | He's perfect. |
| Stan: | Yeah, with him on our team, we don't stand a chance. |
| [Coors Field. No one is in there except Randy, who walks along the stands looking around. He sees a sign that sais "Colorado Little League State Championship." He moves along. Next, he's at a beach far from Colorado looking at the sunset. He sneaks back into his bedroom as Sharon sleeps, closes the door softly, and sits on the side of the bed.] | |
| Randy: | [softly] ...I'm not gonna go. [Sharon's eyes opem, and she rises a bit] |
| Sharon: | What? |
| Randy: | Stan's little league game, I'm... I'm not gonna go. |
| Sharon: | Why? |
| Randy: | I just... don't think I can, all right? |
| Sharon: | You don't think you can?! This is the biggest game of your son's life! Wny wouldn't you go and support him? What-? [Randy rises and faces her] |
| Randy: | Because I'm scared, all right?! [Sharon stays quiet] You wanna break me down?! You wanna hear me say it?! I'm scared! I don't know if I believe in myself anymore. [turns away and bows his head] I don't know if I can take this guy, Sharon. |
| Sharon: | So then, don't. You don't have to get in fights with other parents at Little League games! Just sit there and watch! |
| Randy: | Look, I get what you're trying to do. You're trying to get me to realize that I have to fight him because it's who I am. |
| Sharon: | No, I'm telling you you don't have to get thrown out of games and make an ass of yourself. |
| Randy: | I've lost the edge. I'm sorry, Sharon. But you have to take Stan to his Little League game alone. [walks off] |
| [Coors Field, day] | |
| Announcer: | Welcoem to the Colorado Little League State Championship Game! [the crowd cheers] This must be pretty exciting for these youngsters. A chance to go to the national circuit. [the teams meet at the pitcher's mound] |
| Denver Pitcher: | You know what these guys look like to me? A bunch of winners! |
| Denver Catcher: | Yeah! We're about to get our asses kicked! |
| Cartman: | I don't think so! You guys are way too good! You're the best at this game! |
| Denver Pitcher: | You're the best! |
| Kyle: | You guys are so good you'll probably go all the way to win the national title! |
| Denver Pitcher: | Not a chance, 'cause we're gonna lose to you right now! |
| Bat Dad: | Here we go, Denver! These South Park kids got nothin' on you! Let's go, Denver! |
| Woman: | Chris, will you sit down? |
| Announcer: | [in the Press Box] First up to bat for South Park, Kyle Schwartz. [Kyle 1 comes up to bat] |
| Kyle 1: | [stands on home plate] Where do I stand? |
| Umpire: | R-right over here. [Kyle 1 looks, then goes to one side of the plate with his back to the pitcher. The umpire positions him properly] |
| Kyle 1: | Don't throw the ball too fast, because I might get startled and I have asthma. [The pitcher throws the ball. Kyle 1 pulls his bat back] |
| Umpire: | Strike 1! |
| SP Team: | Yeah! All right! |
| Kyle 1: | Jesus, not so close! That was three feet from hitting me in the head! |
| Second Baseman: | He's not gonna swing! Throw balls! |
| Kyle 1: | [swings and misses] Oh Jesus! |
| Umpire: | Strike 2! |
| SP Team: | Yeah! |
| Stan: | Wow, he IS great at sucking. |
| Cartman: | [happily] We're gonna lose! We're gonna lose! |
| Kyle 1: | Don't throw it so hard or so close next time! Is it cold out here? I think I need a jacket. [The pitcher squints and focuses on the bat, which says "Barry Bonds" on it. The pitcher throws the ball and hits the bat, which falls out of Kyle Schwartz's hands] |
| Umpire: | It's a bunt! |
| Mr. Donovan: | Run kid, run! |
| Kyle 1: | Oh Jesus! [runs towards first base] |
| Kyle: | Aw crap! [Stan drops. Kyle 1 goes towards second and no one is stopping him. He passes it] |
| Kyle 1: | [out of breath] I can't, I can't keep running like this! I have corns in my feet! |
| Steven: | Keep running, kid! [one of the SP players has his face buried in his right hand] |
| Bat Dad: | Throw the ball to third, you idiots! He's runnin' home! [Kyle 1 heads towards home and passes that] |
| Umpire: | Safe! [the crowd cheers and the scoreboard displays him and "HOMERUN!!!!" underneath. Smaller screens on the board display fireworks] |
| Kyle 1: | Oh Jesus, did you see that?? I hit a homerun! High-five, everybody! [nobody high-fives him] |
| Kyle: | Oh my God... their pitcher was able to hit him right on the bat. |
| Stan: | Dude, we had it all wrong. While we spent all our time trying to make our tean suck, these guys practiced and got really good at sucking. [next pitch: the ball hits the bat again, and the SP runner has to go to first, as it's a bunt. Token goes up. The pitch hits the bat at the top - another bunt] |
| Token: | No! |
| Mr. Williams: | Yeeaahh! Go Token go! |
| [Denver is up to bat] | |
| Bat Dad: | All right, Denver! You're up to bat now! [Butters is waving his hand for some reason, and the Danver batter squints and focuses on Butters' glove. Stan pitches, the batter hits, and Butters catches the ball. He's dismayed to find it in his glove.] |
| Umpire: | Out! |
| Denver Team: | Yaaay! |
| Kyle: | Jesus Christ! They can bat themselves out! [the scoreboard is updated in time-lapse: Denver doesn't have a run on there.] Our whole summer, dude. We have to play this boring game all summer long. |
| Butters: | [frustrated, takes his cap off and throws it on the ground] Son of a biscuit! |
| [Coors field, later] | |
| Announcer: | It's the bottom of the last inning here at Coors Field; the score is South Park 23, Denver 0. [a tired Stan pitches right down the middle and the Denver player doesn't move] |
| Umpire: | Strike 1! |
| Bat Dad: | Come on, Denver! Get the lead out! Do not cross the Bat Daaad! |
| Gerald: | Geez I realy wish this guy would shut up. |
| Bat Dad: | Why don't you just go home, South Park? You can't beat Denver! |
| A Voice: | Denver sucks ass! [Bat Dad looks over. Randy has arrived with a tray of five beers. He's ready to rumble. He sits three rows behind Bat Dad, next to Sharon] Come on, South Park! These kids can't play! In fact, these kids are terrible! [Stan pitches, the batter swings after Cartman catches the ball] |
| Umpire: | Strike 2! |
| Kyle 1: | Oh Jesus, we're gonna win! I I never won a sport before; this is so exciting. |
| Randy: | It's over, Denver! South Park whupped your ass! |
| Bat Dad: | You'd better shut your mouth before I shut it for you! |
| Randy: | [stands up, takes off his shirt, and challenges] What do you wanna do, huh? [Bat Dad climbs over the seats and he and Randy begin to fight, taking it to the aisle] |
| Stan: | [sees, turns away and hides his face in his right hand] This can't get any worse. [the two men continue fighting at the bottom of the level and towards the foul pole. Bat Dad picks Randy up and throws him over the railing. Randy bounces off a bench, breaking it in two.] |
| Bat Dad: | [stands on the railing and spreads his cape wide open] Now for the finishing move! You're about to be Bat-Dadded! [jumps off, but misses Randy entirely. They end up in the bullpen.] |
| Commentator: | It all comes down to this! South Park is just one pitch away from being State Champions. [Bat Dad delivers blow after blow and has Randy on the run] Oh geez, it looks like two parents are fighting. They'd better be careful. The Little League has a no-tolerance policy. |
| Umpire: | [comes out of home plate towards the men] Stop! Stop, or you're gonna get your teams disqualified! |
| Stan: | [comes off the mound and stands next to Kyle] Disqualified? [looks at Kyle for a few seconds] Fight! Keep fighting! [the fighting continues, and two more umpires enter the picture] |
| Umpire 2: | Break it up! Break it up! [the fighting continues. Bat Dad delivers a blow, shown in slow motion. It connects, and Randy falls backwards to the ground] That's enough! The next person that fights is getting his team disqualified! |
| Bat Dad: | He's done for anyway. [walks off. Randy rises, slowly] |
| Stan: | Come on, Dad! Get up! |
| Kyle: | Get up! You have to fight! [Randy is trying] |
| Umpire 2: | All right, come on! Let's play ball! |
| SP Team: | Randy! Randy! Randy! |
| Mickey: | Get up, Randy! Get up, ya bum! |
| Sharon: | Get up, Randy! Fight! Fight for me! |
| Crowd: | Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! |
| Randy: | [now standing] Hey Bat Dad! [Bat Dad turns around] I didn't hear no bell. |
| SP Team: | Yeah! [Randy goes on the attack, delivering blow after blow. The umpire and guard return] |
| Umpire 2: | Stop, stop right now! [Randy continues the assault] I'm warning you, sir! [Randy begins singing in falsetto, then knocks Bat Dad to the ground with one final blow.] That's it! That's it! South Park is disqualified! |
| SP Team: | Yeah! |
| SP Adults: | Aww! |
| Commentator: | South Park has been disqualified from the game! Denver wins! [The South Park team goes over to Randy, take off their hats, and celebrate their defeat. The Denver players are dismayed at this turn of events and throw down their caps. Two Denver officers come in to get Randy] |
| Kyle 1: | We... We lost. |
| Randy: | [now arrested and turned around] What? I thought this was a free country! [now being escorted out of the Field] |
| Stan: | Dad! [the guards let go and Randy turns around] You're the greatest. [Randy leaps for joy!] |
| [End of The Losing Edge.] |