[South Park Elementary, back in class]>
Garrison: |
Now, children, I hope you all had a good time reading your books and are prepared for your book reports.
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Cartman: | [squirms in his seat and whispers] God-dammit.
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Garrison: | Who should we have go first, Mr. Hat? Let's see…
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Cartman: | [in falsetto] Oh. How about Stan? Or Kyle?
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Garrison: | Eric, why don't you go first?
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Cartman: | Oooaaagh.
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Garrison: | What's the matter, Eric? Are you not prepared again?
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Cartman: | I'm prepared! [gets up and walks to the chalkboard, then faces the class] For my book report, I read "The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe." It was very very good. Have you read it, Mr. Garrison?
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Garrison: | No, I can't say that I have.
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Cartman: | Oh, good. In "The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe," a bunch of uh, hippies, walk around and paint stuff. They eat lunch, and then they find a magical… camel… which they have to eat to stay alive. And that's pretty much it. I give it a 'B-.'
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Garrison: | And I give you an 'F,' Eric, now sit down!
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Cartman: | God- dammit! [the kids start laughing at him]
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Barbrady: | Haa haa. Ha ha ha.
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Garrison: | Okay, Officer Barbrady, why don't you give us your book report?
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Barbrady: | [rises and goes to the board, then faces tha class] I've just finished reading the heartwarming novel, "Go Dog Go." I found it a compelling and disturbing look at the canine psyche. If I may read a passage: 'Big… dog…, little… dog.' [turns the page] 'A red dog… on a…' Well, anyway, I'm not one to give away the ending, but I will say that it spirals toward an incredible twist-turn that parallels my own life.
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Garrison: | Thank you, Officer Barbrady. That was a very good book report indeed. I'll give you an "A."
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Barbrady: | Hooray!
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Cartman: | [miffed] Goody two shoes!
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| [The Playground. The camera pans across the playground. It passes the kid with the aviator cap holding a Blue Mega Man, Bebe and Clyde on the hobby elephants, the boys passing a ball amongst themselves, and stops at the swings. Barbrady swings between Kenny and the red-haired girl]
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Barbrady: |
Swingset, Swingset, up and down I go
'Whossh!' goes the willy-wind, flowing through my toes.
[Kyle looks looks back at Barbrady]
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Stan: | Dude! I think Barbrady enjoys being in school a little too much!
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Kyle: | Yeah. Isn't he just supposed to be learning how to read?
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Barbrady: | Swingset, Swingset, up and down I go…
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Mayor: | [arrives with her aides] Officer Barbrady. What are you doing?! [he quickly gets off the swing, but in so doing he stresses the set and launches Kenny…]
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Kenny: | (Aaaaaa.) […into the brick wall at the other end of the yard] (Oooogh.)
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Stan: | Oh my God! They've killed-!
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Kenny: | (Hey.)
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Stan: | Oh, never mind [smiles]
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Mayor: | Well, how's the reading coming along?
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Barbrady: | [wringing his hands] Oooh, pretty good.
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Mayor: | Barbrady, we really need you to speed this up. The Chickenfucker struck again last night.
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Kyle: | Oh no! [the boys gasp]
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Barbrady: | Ah mayor, please, when we're around children we prefer to call him the Chickenlover.
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Aide 2: | This time he made love to Carla Weathers' prize chicken. She's catatonic.
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Barbrady: | Who? Carla Weathers or the chicken?
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Mayor: | The perpetrator left this clue at the crime scene. [hands it to Barbrady, who looks it over]
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Barbrady: | Oh I can't read this. It has silent E's.
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Mayor: | [throttling him] You have to learn to read faster, Barbrady!
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Barbrady: | I'm doing the best I can. I even got a 'A' on my book report.
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Mayor: | Llisten, buddy! Either you learn to read quick, or else I'm gonna find a law officer to replace you forever! [leaves with her aides. Aide 1 takes the ball from the boys and pops it.]
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Aide 2 | Hey, what'd you do that for?
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Aide 1 | Uh just dramatic effect, sorry. [they leave]
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Barbady: | Oh boy, I'm in big trouble. [the boys surround him] I'll never learn to read fast enough, and the town is in chaos.
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Stan: | It's cool, dude. We'll help you.
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Barbady: | Hey, that's right. You can help me. Under Article 39, Section 2 of Police Code, I'm allowed to deputize citizens in a time of crisis.
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Cartman: | Really? I wanna be a cop.
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Barbady: | You boys will be my deputies. You can help me restore order, catch the Chickenlover, and swing me on the swing set. [this last idea he likes a lot]
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Cartman: | Do I get a night stick?
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Barbady: | Sure! Night sticks for everybody! [hands his night stick to Cartman, who smiles] You keep a tab on crime in the city, and we'll try to solve the Chickenlover case.
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Cartman: | 10-4, sergeant! [walks off]
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Barbady: | Now, what did that clue say again?
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Stan: | 'If you want to know where I'll strike next, read "Bumbly Wumbly and the Spotted Spacecraft"'
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Barbady: | To the Booktastic Bus, deputies! We haven't a moment to spare!
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Stan, Kyle, Kenny: | Hooray!
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| [The Booktastic Bus]
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Bus Driver: | Good day friends. Welcome to the magical world of reading.
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Barbrady: | We need a copy of "Bumbly Wumbly and the Spotted Spacecraft" right away!
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Bus Driver: | Ooooh, that's a very magical book, full of wondrous-
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Barbrady: | Aw, just give us the damn book, fruitcake! [the bus driver retrieves the book and hands it to Barbrady. He opens it]
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Kyle: | What's it say?
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Barbrady: | It says, 'Mmmuh mmmuuh…' Uh, what's this word? [points out to Stan]
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Stan: | I
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Barbrady: | Oh yeah. 'I… mmuh mmuh'
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Kyle: | Here, give me that. [takes the book] 'I am Bumbly Wumbly. I live in the pond.'
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Stan: | A pond. Hey, maybe that means Stark's Pond.
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Barbrady: | That's quick thinking, deputy. Let's get to Stark's Pond immediately!
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| [Downtown. The streets are desolate, and only the sound of a bike is heard. Suddenly, Eric pops over a low hill on his Big Wheel tricycle and goes down Main Street. The bike has been souped up with a motorcycle windshield and signal lights. Shades appear on his eyes. A car passes by him, and he pursues it. He activates his siren.]
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Cartman: | Ey!
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| [the driver sees him in the rear view mirror and pulls over. He gets off his bike, comes to the door, and taps the driver-side window with the night stick. The driver turns and lowers the window: it's Stan's father, Randy Marsh]
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Randy: | Uuuh yes officer?
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Cartman: | Ii clocked you at 40 mph back there. Do you know what the speed limit is heawh?
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Randy: | Well, according to that sign right there, it's 40 mph. [yep]
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Cartman: | Step out of the car, please, sir.
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Randy: | Wait a second. Aren't you Stan's little friend?
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Cartman: | [slower] Sir, step out of the car, please.
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Randy: | [steps out] Yeah. You're the one who always plugs up the toilet at our house.
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Cartman: | Ey! I am a cop, and you will respect my authoritah!
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Randy: | Yeah, right. You'd better get back to school, little boy. [Cartman swings at his shins and connects with a grunt] Ow!
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Cartman: | Get your ass to jail! [continues to swat him on the legs with the baton]
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Randy: | Ow! Hey, what the hell are you doing? You can't do that! Ah- ow! Ah- ow! Ow!
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Cartman: | [getting carried away] Sweet!
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Randy: | Ooww!
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| [Stark's Pond. A crowd is gathered at the crime scene. The chicken is fluttering about. Barbrady arrives with Stan and Kyle]
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Barbrady: | Oh, weak, dude! We're too late!
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Stan: | Well, the chickens don't seem to really mind.
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Priest: | Well, this is terrible! Now, who would have sex with a chicken?!
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Halfy: | [mischievously] I would!! [everyone looks at him]
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Garrison: | Aw, you couldn't screw anything, Halfy. You don't have any legs!
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Halfy: | Oh. Yeah. [moves away on his fists]
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Priest: | Have some respect for people's feelings, would you, Halfy?!
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Barbrady: | Come on, dudes. We need to look for another clue.
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Kyle: | [finds it and holds it high in the air] Here! Here, I found one!
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Stan: | What's it say? What's it say?
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Kyle: | [reads it] It says, 'Read Teetle, The Timid Ta- Taa- eh Taxi-' What's this word?
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Barbrady: | [taking the note] Ta- tah- Taagzuh, Taxi-dermist [everybody cheers] I read it! I read it all by myself! [grins]
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Halfy: | [doing flips] Hooray, yeah! Wooo!
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| [South Park at night. Cartman is doing a segment for COPS]
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Dispatcher 2: | Five George is in route to 496 Broad Wasteland-
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Cartman: | Aw, I've been working this beat for about three days now.
DEP. ERIC CARTMAN SOUTH PARK DIVISION |
I gues you have to… have pretty thick skin or else these people just walk all over you. [the camera checks out traffic] Sometimes you have to go undercover to get the worst of them.
PROSTITUTION STING 9:42 PM WESTSIDE |
[Cartman is standing around, dressed in a hot-pink dress and fishnets. A car stops]
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Driver: | [winking] Hi there, little lady.
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Cartman: | Well, hi there, uh. [lowers his shades and bats his eyelids] Wha- what are you doing tonight?
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Driver: | Well, hopefully spending some time with you, gorgeous. Is $20 enough?
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Cartman: | Twen- Step out of the car, please.
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Driver: | What. Oh oh uh is this a bust?
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Cartman: | [displays his badge] Sir. Uhstep out of the car.
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Driver: | [stepping out] Hey, wait a minute. You're just a kid!
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Cartman: | [pulls out his baton] Maybe this'll teach you to listen to authoritah. [starts beating him on the shins]
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Driver: | Ow! Oo-uhow! Ow! Hey, man, what are you doing?! Ow, stop it!
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Cartman: | [exhales, then] Yeup. Sometimes upholding the law is messy. But you get by. One day at a time.
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| [Outside South Park Library. Three people walk by with looted stuff]
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Looter 3: | Got the TV.
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Looter 4: | Shh. Come on!
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| [Inside, the camera zooms in on Barbrady]
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Barbrady: | [reading from the book] Tee-tle the timid taxidermist… loves… to… Oh, Goddamn, reading is lame!
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Kyle: | [arriving with Stan] How's it goin', dude?
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Barbrady: | Terrible! I give up! I'm not fit to be a cop! Booohoohoohoohoo, booohoohoohoohoo.
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Stan: | Come on, dude, it's not that hard!
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Barbrady: | It is, too!
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Kyle: | Just read the sentence.
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Barbrady: | Teetle the timid taxidermist loves to go to the pet- pet-
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Kyle: | Come on, dumbass, you can do it!
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Barbrady: | Pet- wait a minute. [recalls Garrison]
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Garrison: | Conjugate the verb. Conjugate the verb.
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Mr. Hat: | Yes. Conjugate the verb.
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Barbrady: | Pet-ting. Petting zoo. He loved to go to the petting zoo! Boys, we're off!
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| DEP. ERIC CARTMAN STREET PATROL |
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Dispatcher 3: | All units. All units. Five-twelve at 635 Avenue de los Mexicanos. Request assistance. [the siren goes on]
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| DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE 4:38 PM LOWER EAST SIDE |
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| [Kenny's hosue. Cartman arrives and jumps off the bike, makes his way to the front door, and knocks. Mr. McCormick opens the door. Another segment for COPS]
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Cartman: | Sir, could you step out of the car, please?
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Mr. McCormick: | We're fine, officer. [sips]
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Cartman: | Anduuh who's, who's in here with you?
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Mr. McCormick: | Just me and my wife and my brother. And my wife's cousin and his son and my brother's girlfriend and our two kids- [one of them is Kenny]
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Kenny: | (Hi, Cartman.)
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Mr. McCormick: | -and my brother's girlfriend's mother, and this guy Bob who I met last year.
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Cartman: | [to the camera] Poor people tend tooo live in clusters.
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Mr. McCormick: | [takes a swig of beer] What? What did you say?
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Cartman: | Nothing- now, sir, is there some kind of uh-
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Mrs. McCormick: | I want him out of my house! He ain't worth a shit! He cain't even hold a fuckin' job!
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Mr. McCormick: | Shut up, bitch!
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Cartman: | Okay okay, let's try to watch the language: there's children present heuh.
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Mrs. McCormick: | He is a lazy-ass motherfucker!
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Mr. McCormick: | Look what she did to my fuckin' eye.
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Mrs. McCormick: | I'll do it again!! [kicks him in the ass and continues hitting him. Kenny just laughs at the sight]
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Kenny and his brother: | Eh-Mom hit Dad again! [both then continue laughing at them]
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Cartman: | Now, thee first thing to do in domestic disturbance calls like this one is to just calm everybody down. Respect my authoriteh! [jumps up and knocks Mrs. McCormick down, then Mr. McCormick. He then concentrates on Mr. McCormick]
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Kenny: | (God-dammit, Cartman!)
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Mr. McCormick: | Aagh!
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Dispatcher 1: | All units. All units. We have a 5-20 on the suspect. Report to the South Park Petting Zoo immediately!
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Cartman: | [stops] Chickenlover!
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| [The petting zoo. The school kids mill among the animals]
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Barbardy: | Keep your eyes peeled, boys. Somebody's gonna make love to this chicken any minute. [she blushes]
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Stan: | Maybe we were wrong about the clue.
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Kyle: | Yeah. Maybe you read it wrong.
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Barbardy: | Oh, no! [rustling is heard] Shhh! [they turn around. A hand reaches down and plucks the bird away] Keep your eyes peeled! [they turn around]
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Stan: | Look! [feathers are flying out from behind a bush as the bush moves around]
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Kyle: | He's here!
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Barbrady: | Grab him! [all three rush the bush]
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| [South Park downtown. Cartman is racing towards the zoo.]
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Cartman: | Dammit! Can't this thing go any faster?! [reaches for a doughnut and bites into it.]
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| [The petting zoo. Barbrady is wrestling the Chickenlover as Kenny arrives. Barbrady finally gets his man. It seems to be the Booktastic Bus driver, and he pulls out a pistol. As Barbrady takes it from him, it fires and hits Kenny]
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Stan: | [gasps] Oh my God, they've killed-!
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Kenny: | [gets up] (Oh, it was only my jacket.)
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Stan: | God dammit!
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Barbrady: | I knew it was you all along, Richard Nixon!
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Stan: | Aw, I think that's a mask, dude.
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Barbrady: | Oh. [pulls off the mask. It's the driver, alright]
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Kyle: | Whoa, dude! It's the bookmobile driver!
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Barbrady: | Caught you red-handed!
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Bus Driver: | Indeed you did! How did you know I would strike here?
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Barbrady: | By reading "Teetle the Timid Taxidermist."
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Bus Driver: | You did?! Really?! Then it worked! My whole plan worked absolutely perfectly! [pleased]
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Stan: | What are you talking about, dude?!
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Bus Driver: | When I heard that Officer Barbrady couldn't read, I knew I had to motivate him somehow. So I formulated a plan to encourage him to learn the magic of reading!
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Kyle: | So you fucked a bunch of chickens?
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Bus Driver: | Yes! Yes exactly! Don't you see? Only by fucking chickens could I get Officer Barbrady to become literate.
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Stan: | That doesn't- make a whole- lot of sense, dude.
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Bus Driver: | Oh no? He who was blind can now see! [no reaction from the kids] I got Officer Brabrady to read. My plan worked perfectly.
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Barbrady: | Well, I guess I should sayy 'Thanks?'
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Bus Driver: | You're welcome. And now, my reading friend, you've proven that you are ready for the big time. I give you this hardback copy of "Atlas Shrugged," by Ayn Rand.
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Cartman: | [rushing up] Wait! Put your hands in the air!
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Kyle: | Cartman!
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Cartman: | I got reports that the suspect is in this area!
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Kyle: | Well, he is. It turns out that the bookmobile driver here was the one making love to chickens.
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Cartman: | AHA! [hits him with the baton]
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Bus Driver: | Ah, that hurts!
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Stan: | Whoa, dude!
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Kyle: | Cartman!
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Babrady: | [picks Cartman up and takes the baton from him] No, no, that's not how you uphold the law! [puts him down]
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Cartman: | Well, he is not listening to my authoritah!
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Babrady: | Oooohb, oooh, you've got it all wrong, my little friend. You do it like this: [paf]
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Bus Driver: | [going down, squealing] Heee.
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Babrady: | You've gotta get 'em in the head; they go down quicker.
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Cartman: | [looks at the driver and removes his shades] Oooooh.
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Kyle: | I guess you should leave police work to the professionals, huh, Cartman?
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Babrady: | Well anyway, I'm relieving you of your duties. I've proved that I can read, and now I'm back on the job! [spins the cylinder on his pistol]
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Stan, Kyle: | Hooray! [Cartman watches as Barbrady leaves the petting zoo]
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Stan: | [calling to Barbrady] Hey! So what are you going to do now?
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Babrady: | Now? [turns around] Well, I-ee uh. I think I'll get in the bathtub, and then curl up with a good book. [displays the book for a moment, then holds up his right thumb for the camera to see. The end credits begin to roll, but only the executive producer is listed. The boys watch for a moment more, then walk off to the right. The chicken just walks around pecking at the straw. A bunny hops across the yard and a blonde girl chases after it]
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| [Newscast]
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Anchor: | And so today South Park held a parade to honor Officer Barbrady and his heroic work on the Chickenfucker case. [tape is shown of the parade. Confetti is flying everywhere. The South Park High School band is marching before Barbrady's car. He is in the car with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman]
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Barbrady: | Thank you, everybody. Thank you.
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Man in crowd: | Speech! Speech!
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Barbrady: | [lowers his arms] What?
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Stan: | They want you to give a speech, Officer Barbrady. About the whole experience over the last couple of days.
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Barbrady: | Oh. Okay, uh. Well, first of all I'd like to thank the town of South Park, the town that borne me, and eventually will rob me of my life precious. [the town cheers]
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Man 2: | Yeh!
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Barbrady: | Second, I'd like to say to all those out there who think they can screw chickens just to teach people to read: your days are numbered! [more cheering] And finally, I'd like to say that [enunciating] reading totally sucks ass!
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Stan, Kyle: | Hooray!
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Barbrady: | Yes, at first I was happy to be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical. But then I read this: "Atlas Shrugged," by Ayn Rand.
I read every last word of this garbage, and because of this piece of sh-shit I'm never reading again!
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Stan, Kyle: | Hooray for Barbrady! [the crowd cheers again]
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Kyle: | Wow! I guess reading really does suck ass!
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Cartman: | Ey, that's what I've been saying all along, you guys.
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Stan: | I'm just glad everything turned out okay, and Barbrady got his job back.
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Kyle: | It's poetic justice.
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Barbrady: | [leaning forward] Thanks, boys.
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| [The end credits roll again, this time normally. When the producer is listed, Kenny is shown in a clear area behind the crowd. A tree falls, flattening him]
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Kenny: | (Ow!)
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| [Blood oozes from under the tree. End credits continue, showing more scenes from the parade. End of Chickenfucker]
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