Stan
Kyle
Cartman
Butters
Nelly
Wendy
Bebe
Clyde
Craig
Heidi
Preschoolers
PC Principal
Mr. Mackey
Preschool Teacher
Gerald Broflovski
Randy and Sharon Marsh
Stephen Stotch
Jimbo Kern
Garrison amd Caitlyn
Hillary Clinton
Christ Christie and Adviser
CNN Anchor and Bill Keegan
Announcer
Arthur, reporter
Berries
Crowd
Jim, Mike, and Dave
Joe Biden
Lady Senator, Male Senator, Senator 2, Senator 3, Other Senators
Moderator Matt Lauer
Pollster
Referee
| [The South Park Elementary gymnasium, night. I girls' volleyball game is underway.] | |
| Jim: | Hello everyone, and welcome back. We are live at South Park Elementary School where the local girls volleyball team is about to take on the Jefferson Sabers. |
| Mike: | Ahand Jim, it is packed. Sellout crowd tonight, the first time in team history. Everyone turning out to see what's gonna happen. |
| Jim: | That's right Mike. All eyes tonight are of course on fourth grader Nichole Daniels. [shown doing warm-up stretches] Will she sit or stand for the National Anthem? |
| Mike: | This week with athletes all over the country sittind down for the National Anthem, the question on everyone's mind is, what is this little gonna do? [three spectators hold up a banner: "WE SUPPORT YOU NICHOLE!" bookended with hearts] |
| Jimbo: | She's not gonna sit down. Why would she? |
| Randy: | Screw that! I got a hundred bucks riding on this! Come on Nichole! Sit it out! |
| Announcer: | Now please rise for the National Anthem. [spectators rise, girls are at attention] |
| Randy: | This is it! |
| Jim: | The national anthem starts, and Nichole Daniels seems to beee waiting. So far no si-OH! [The camera whips left to another girl] And Heidi Turner is sitting down! [the crowd gasps] |
| Mike: | Mike, this is totally unexpected! All eyes were on Nichole when Heidi Turner comes out of nowhere and sits down for the- |
| Jim: | And there goes Meagan Ridley! The crowd is going wild! What a turn of events! Let's check in with Dave! |
| Dave: | Ed and Mike, I just looked at the girls' Twitter accounts and it appears that they are sitting out the national anthem to protest all the harassment and trolling they receive on the Internet. |
| Mike: | Complete surprise, Dave. Nobody saw this coming. Three girls now sitting down and fi-and finally there goes Nichole! |
| Randy: | Wow! Yeah! A hundred bucks! |
| Mike: | And now as the anthem draws to a close, this thing is over! The final results: four athletes sitting out on the national anthem, three of them not even black. A shocker here in South Park, thanks for joining us. |
| Stephen: | [to Butters as they leave the gym] Oh my God, that was great! [most of the crowd leaves, with only four people staying behind. One of them holds a sign: "WE BELIEVE IN YOU NICHOLE!"] |
| Referee: | Ahh, play ball. [blows the whistle and the game begins] |
| [PC Principal's office. He's addressing the girls] | |
| PC Principal: | Alright, ladies. First of all I wanna say that I completely respect your decision to protest our national anthem. Thought it was sweet. I believe you shed some light on some very important issues regarding gender equality. |
| Heidi: | What are you doing about Eric Cartman?! |
| PC Principal: | Ladies, I understand you're upset about the trolling you've recevied on the Internet, but there is no evidence that Eric Cartman is skankhund42. |
| Wendy: | It is him, it's completely obvious, and nobody is doing anything about it! |
| PC Principal: | Well he claims that he's been working at changing himself and the world around him. [presses the intercom button] Send in Mr. Cartman. |
| Cartman: | [opens the door and enters] You wanted to see me, PC Principal? |
| PC Principal: | Mr. Cartman, I'm gonna ask you one more time: are you or are you not the Internet troll skankhund42? |
| Cartman: | It's "skankhunt42" and no I am not. |
| Heidi: | He's lying. Make him show you his phone. |
| Cartman: | Unfortunatey, that'd be a breach of my civil rights, but I can assure you, nobody respected you girls' poignant protest more than I did. |
| [The U.S. Senate, day.] | |
| Joe Biden: | Fellow Senators, our nation is divided like never before. While people everywhere fight for their voices to be heard, perhaps it is time for us to consider that our national anthem needs to be changed. Americans need an anthem that inspires and excites, an anthem that has something for everyone while still paying tribute to what it once was. I believe there's only one person capable of achieving this. [clicks on a handheld button and the picture behind him changes] J.J. Abrams. |
| Senators: | [murmuring amongst themselves] J.J. Abrams! |
| Joe Biden: | He saved Star Wars, and now we will ask him to save our country. |
| [Three helicopters take to the sky and fly out of sight] | |
| [J.J. Abrams' mansion. The helicopters touch down by the front gates and the senators pour out] | |
| Lady Senator: | [over a megaphone] Mr. Abrams? Mr. Abrams, we need to speak with you. |
| Male Senator: | Look, there. [a light comes on at the left end of the second floor, and a shadow stops by the window] |
| Lady Senator: | [over the megaphone] Mr. Abrams I speak on behalf of Americans everywhere. We've come to ask you to reboot the national anthem. Please Mr. Abrams. We know you've been asked to reboot a lot. |
| Senator 2: | [whispering] We know you're tired. |
| Lady Senator: | We know your're tired. |
| Senator 3: | [takes the megaphone] What do you say, sir? We all want something new and that makes us remember the things we lost. We wamt to 'member! We need your 'member berries! [Abrams mulls it over] |
| Male Sentor: | One light means yes, two lights means no. [Abrams reaches to his left and one light comes on. The gathered crowd goes wild.] |
| [South Park Elementary gym, day. Cartman holds a school assembly] | |
| Cartman: | Fellow students, as you know, an Internet troll by the name of skankhunt42 has been harassing women and girls by making degrading comments on our school message board. The girls are very upset, and many male students believe that it's just because girls don't have a sense of humor. I beg to disagree. Girls rule, women are funny, get over it. Just the other day, in the hallway, I heard two male students saying how the new Ghostbusters sucked balls. I was shocked and appalled. It is time for us all to realize and accept that girls are cool, and women are funny. Wendy? Wendy, could you come up here, please? Come on up, Wendy. Wemdu Testaburger, guys. [some of the kids clap, Wendy stands up and walks over to Cartman] Wendy, go ahead. Be funny. [he holds the mic to her face, and she looks at him warily. He tried harder, the leans farther away] Say something funny, Wendy. We can't wait. |
| Wendy: | I'm not funny. |
| Cartman: | Hey, girls are funny, Wendy. Okay? Get over it. Just do women's comedy stuff. You know, talk about how fat you are and how you wanna have sex with guy and then say "my vagina" a lot. |
| Wendy: | I don't feel like being funny right now. |
| Cartman: | And that's just the kind of sexist bullcrap that's gonna keep you in the kitchen. Sit your ass down. [Wendy goes back to her spot on the gym floor] This isn't a joke, you guys. Girls are funny. Bebe, why don't you come up here? Come on, Bebe. |
| Bebe: | NO! |
| Cartman: | No? Come on, talk about havin' sex with guys, and say "vagina" and stuff like that. Go ahead. [looks her over quickly] Girls rule, women are funny. Bebe, get over yourself. Seriously. |
| Bebe: | Get the mic out of my face! |
| Cartman: | [moves away] Huh. Oh my God, that wasn't really all that funny. That's weird. Um, let's see. Red? You have any zingers for the crowd? No? How about you, Nelly. |
| Nelly: | Yeah, I got one. You're a fat fuck! [Butters got a great laugh out of that one] |
| Cartman: | K, that wasn't really funny, it was just angry. |
| Nelly: | [stands up] You see, what the problem is, is that when a little troll is allowed to say anything he wants anonymously, then he speaks for all you boys! |
| Cartman: | K, that's good, now just try to say it a little funnier now. |
| Nelly: | Go ahead and get on our school message board and see what he's saying about us! Then see if you guys think it's funny! |
| Cartman: | Okay, and then, and then, and then just go, "my vagina." |
| [The Marsh living room. Randy is watching a news segment on CNN] | |
| CNN Anchor: | And as our country seems to be more and more divided, the only hope is that J.J. Abrams' new national anthem will appeal to everyone and bring back those nostalgic member berries we know and love. |
| Randy: | Oh great. Everything's getting a reboot now. [There's a knock on the door and he answers it.] |
| Pollster: | Hello sir. I'm with the Gallup poll. We're trying to get a read on how people will be voting in the upcomomg Presidential election? |
| Randy: | Oh. Oh-okay. |
| Pollster: | Great. And will you be voting for the giant douche or the turd sandwich? |
| Randy: | Well, this is usually a giant douch household but... we're going firmly with the turd sandwich. |
| Pollster: | Oh, the turd sandwich, huh? |
| Randy: | That's right. You can put my wife and I both down for turd sandwich. |
| Pollster: | Well, good luck with that, heh. So far, giant douche is leading in the polls. |
| Randy: | [shocked] What? |
| [The Marsh dining room. Grandpa Marsh is at table with them.] | |
| Randy: | What the hell is wrong with people?! They really think that a giant douche should be President?? It's insane! |
| Sharon: | Why'd you say I'd be voting for the turd sandwich, Randy? You haven't even talked to me about it. |
| Randy: | You can't possibly be thinking about voting for the douche?! |
| Stan: | Hhhawgh! |
| Randy: | What's wrong with you? |
| Stan: | I just don't understand why every four years you people freak out over whether to vote for a giant douche or a turd sandwich. |
| Randy: | [snidely] Because we're Americans. 'Cause this is America. |
| Stan: | Why are we doing this again? Why are we back to giant douche and turd sandwich? |
| Randy: | [holds his palms out like fans] Cyyynical. Cynical maaan. You just think everything and everyone is dumb, huh? 'Cause you're a neelist. |
| Stan: | It's nihilist. |
| Randy: | See, you're such a nihilist. |
| [News report] | |
| Bill Keegan: | Newest Gallup Poll results are in and they show Giant Douche to be leading Turd Sandwich by nearly 10%. Turd Sandwich has said there's no reason to panic. |
| Hillary: | Polls are of course a useful tool, but they can often be misleading. Our campaign is holding strong. |
| Reporter: | [after some clamor from the press corps] Mrs. Turd Sandwich? |
| Hillary: | Yes, Arthur. |
| Arthur: | Uh, Mrs. Sandwich, do you believe that your opponent will gain any momentum from this poll? |
| Hillary: | I'm sure that like me, Giant Douche realizes that polls are never the final answer. |
| [The Garrison/Jenner headquarters. Mr. Garrison and Caitlyn are dancing around to "Cake By The Ocean"] | |
| Garrison: | Yeah! Suck that poll you dumb bitch! Up 10%. Can you believe that shit?! [walks over to the table on which the radio sits] Oh, Caitlyn. I think we're really gonna win this thing! Think about it. [softly, awed] In a couple of months I will be President of the United States. [begins to worry and turns off the radio] Caitlyn, can I ask you somethin'? Uh, when we actually get into the White House, like um, what are we gonna do? |
| Caitlyn: | What do you mean? |
| Garrison: | Well I mean, like, you know, once we're President and Vice-President, like, what do we do then? |
| Caitlyn: | How the fuck should I know? |
| Garrison: | [getting exasperated] Cait, you, you heard about the poll, right? We're probably gonna win. Don't tell me you don't have a plan. |
| Caitlyn: | What plan? I thought you had a plan. |
| Garrison: | I don't have any fuckin' plan! That's why I have you! I'm gonna be the President and you're gonna be in charge of all foreign and domestic policies! |
| Caitlyn: | I thought you were gonna do that part. |
| Garrison: | Are you tellin' me that we're about to be voted into office and we have no idea what the fuck we're gonnan do?? [makes two fists] Ohhh Jeeez! |
| [Mr. Mackey's office, day. Kyle is talking to him] | |
| Kyle: | I think they called it German Collective Guilt, right? Where even the Germans who just did nothing while Hitler rose to power were, were maybe somehow also responsible? |
| Mr. Mackey: | Uh huh, uh, mkay, okay. |
| Kyle: | But I can't control what Cartman does, so, so why should I feel shamem for what Cartmn does? |
| Mr. Mackey: | Well uh J.J. Abrams was just rebooting the National Anthem, Kyle, so everything's gonna be fine, uhkay? |
| Kyle: | I don't think the answer to all this is member berries. |
| Mr. Mackey: | You don't like meh- member berries? |
| Kyle: | Agh, never mind. I'm just gonna stay out of it. [gets up and leaves the office. A few seconds later, Mr. Mackey opens a drawer in his desk and pulls out a mason jar with member berries in it. He opens the jar and lifts the berries out] |
| Berries: | Oh I 'member. 'Member Chewbacca? Yeah. And 'member AT-ATs? Member? Ey! Hey, 'member Ghostbusters? Ohh, I 'member. 'Member Slimer? Oh, I loved Slimer. 'Member? Ohh, I 'member. [they keep 'membering] |
| Mr. Mackey: | How could someone think these things are bad? [plucks a berry and eats it] |
| [Decision 2016, Commander in Chief Forum, from HBC News] | |
| Announcer: | The Commander in Chief Forum, with a giant douche and a turd sandwich. |
| Moderator: | Back now with the Commander in Chief Forum. I am joined by the Republican nominee, a giant douche. |
| Garrison: | Thanks, Matt. |
| Matt: | Mr. Douche, some say you don't actually have a viable plan in place if you were to be elected President. |
| Garrison: | Huh! Huh well, well who said that? The turd sandwich? |
| Matt: | In your campaign, you said that you will deal with our country's immigrants and enemies by personally [reading his notes] fucking them all to death. How do you plan to actually achieve that? |
| Garrison: | Well, Matt, I don't think I said I would fuck them all to death. |
| Matt: | Okay, well, let's roll the tape on that. |
| Garrison: | Oh, sure, okay. [they sit back as clips from previous statements are aired. First, from the time the fleeing Canadian kids were enrolled at South Park Elementary] Well there's only one immigration policy that I beliee in, and that's "fuck them all to death!" [At Niagara Falls] Fuck them all to death! Let's make this country great again! |
| Crowd: | [The 2015 Presidential debate] Fuck them all to death! |
| Garrison: | [St. Louis] And then I'm gonna take all the drug pushers in our country, and I'm gonna fuck them-! [another rally] And you know those people in Syria, I'm gonna fuck them! [in Washington, D.C., all worked up] That's how we'll make sure that every terrorist on earth is fuckin' dead! [in a desert] The leaders of North Korea? I'll fuck them all, yeah! [Club Emotion] Yeah! Yeah! [another rally] The criminals in our jails?! Fuckin' dead a day after I- [another rally] Yeah! Those ads that are tryin' to kill us? I'll fuck anyone in the advertising business! And they'll all die too! |
| Matt: | So by our estimates, it's roughly 7.6 million people you have promised to fuck to death in your first year of office. |
| Garrison: | Uh huh, okay. |
| Matt: | And, and, and you think that's achievable? |
| Garrison: | I do. I do, Matt. Uh, I mean, I'm not gonna just get elected, you know, and, and look like a jackass. Huh, huhuh. [fearfully] Ohhh Jeeez. |
| [Preschool room, day. Class is in session] | |
| Teacher: | Alright kids, today we have a very special treat. One of the older students has written an original children's story and is gonna read it to you. Come on over, Eric. |
| Cartman: | [enters] Hi guys! [takes a seat] Are you all ready to hear a story? |
| Preschoolers: | Yes, yeah. |
| Cartman: | This was a book I created all with my imagination. It's called "Little Red Riding Kyle. The story of a little gay boy and his adventure with four hilarious women. One day, Little Red Riding Kyle was walking through the forest thinking about guys. He was on his way to visit his grandma, who was a little black boy named Token." Get over it. "But then, a big bad wolf who was a hilarious woman named Janet walked into the house and said 'I have a large VAGINA' and traded place-" [Kyle enters and pull him out of the room.] |
| [The hallway, moments later. Kyle shuts the door behind him] | |
| Kyle: | What the hell are you doing?! |
| Cartman: | Rebooting fairy tales to try and ease the friction caused by Internet trolls. |
| Kyle: | You really think you're fooling anyone with this fake persona?! Everyone knows you're acting this way by day so you can be horrible to people on the Internet at night! |
| Cartman: | Why would I do that, Kyle? |
| Kyle: | I don't really care! Just don't drag me into it! [takes Cartman's book and slams it down on the floor, then walks away angrily] |
| [Skeeter's Wine Bar, night. Randy is at the bar counter with Jimbo and Stephen] | |
| Randy: | What is wrong with peooke, huh?! How can they vote against a turd sandwich more than a giant douche?! It's senseless! |
| Stephen: | Randy, you gotta calm down. |
| Randy: | [grabs onto Stephen] How can anyone be calm at a time like this?! [lets go] People actually think a turd is worse than a douche! |
| Stephen: | Look, maybe you need some supplements to help calm your nerves. Have you heard of member berries? |
| Randy: | Member berries? |
| Stephen: | It's a new superfruit that helps you [pumps his fiat] mellow out abd relax. |
| [Stephen's master bedroom, night. He leads Randy in, opens the top drawer of his dresser, pulls out a box and sets it on top of the dresser, closes the drawer, and opens the box. The berries are chatting away.] | |
| Berries: | 'Member The Fugitive? 'Member Akira? 'Member Alien Nation? Yeah, I 'member... |
| Stephen: | The guys at work told me about them. Been taking them about six months now. I'll telling you, they really take the edge off. |
| Berries: | 'Member Explorers? The little kids in a spaceship? 'Member storm troopers? 'Member? |
| Randy: | Oh, they're adorable. [plucks one and eats it] |
| [Garrison/Jenner headquarters. A team of advisers is listening to Garrison as he paces around the room] | |
| Garrison: | Come on, people! I need answers! Real solutions! You're my advisers, for Christ's sake! How do we do this?! |
| Chris Christie: | Mayabe, if you swam in a pool in Florida, you could contract the Zika virus. Then yuo fuck all the peoople you can, and hope they eventually die. |
| Garrison: | That would take way too long! And there's no guarantee every pool in Florida has Zika! |
| Adviser: | Could you use nuclear weapons? Then fuck all the bodies after the fact? |
| Garrison: | [walks to the table and takes a seat] Uf! What the hell do I do? If I win I won't be able to do what I promised. But every day I keep goin' up in the polls. Why did the Democrats have to elect such a turd sandwich? |
| Caitlyn: | Maybe you should just quit. |
| Garrison: | If I quit, I look like a total jackass. [gets up and walks away, stopping by the "Pin The Tail On The Donkey" picture with Hillary's face on it.] If I win the election, I look like a total jackass. I have to keep running [turns to face the picture[, but I have to make sure she wins. [dramatic music plays out] |
| [South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in the hallway, and Butters is laughing at something on his phone. Stan, Kyle, Jimmy, Craig, and Clyde stop and look at him] | |
| Butters: | Haha! You guys see what skankhunt42 did on the school server now? Hehe, he photoshopped a picture of Heidi Turner's mom with a dick in her mouth! |
| Craig: | I wanna see. |
| Butters: | [shows the other boys] Look! There's Wendy's mom with a dick in her mouth too! [Jimmy laughs and takes a closer look] |
| Kyle: | Goddamnit! [takes the phone from Butters] Do you guys even care how this makes the girls feel?! |
| Craig: | We didn't do it. |
| Kyle: | We all know who did! And if we don't do something, then the girls will eventually retaliate against us! |
| Cartman: | [from a distance] Help! [the other boys see him as he runs to them] Help me! Augh! Aw! [reaches the other boys] |
| Butters: | Eric! What happened! |
| Cartman: | A bunch of girls! They cornered me in the gym! They said all boys needed to pay! They kicked and they hit me and, and they kept me down and drew this vagina on my face! [well, it's there, but with a pair of testicles attached to it] They said it was to send a message! |
| Clyde: | That's a vagina? |
| Cartman: | Yeah. See, here's the top of the vagina and there's the balls. [Kyle has lost interest] It's starting, you guys! None of us is safe anymore! |
| Kyle: | [flatlys] I didn't know vagina had balls. |
| Cartman: | Yeah, no, they do! Vaginas totally have balls! Right? |
| Kyle: | You're just trying to start a war, aren't you?! |
| Cartman: | What do you mean? If vaginas don't have balls, what do they have? |
| Kyle: | It's not gonna work, Cartman! I'm not gonna let you divide boys and girls in this school anymore! when this whole thng comes to a head, you're gonna be all on your own! [walks aawy] |
| [Garrison/Jenner headquarters. Garrison and Jenner now have a bank of phones, computers, and phone directories on the table and they're cold-calling people with them.] | |
| Garrison: | Hello sir, how are you today? I'm calling from the Campaign for President, just seeing if uh, I can get your support for Hillary Clinton today. Yes, I know she's a turd sandwich, but you know if ya, if you look past that, you know she, she really has a lot to offer. Well, I hear you, but sometimes in life you just gotta suck a turd, you know? Hello? [hangs the phone up up with anger] Damnit! This is impossible! Are you havin' any success, Caitlyn?! |
| Caitlyn: | I've tried to get people on board, but she's just such a turd sandwich. You're just gonna have to do somethin' awful to throw the election. |
| Garrison: | Every time I do something awful people just get more stoked on me! It's impossible to piss people off anymore! |
| [CNN breaking news] | |
| Bill Keegan: | This is breaking news. The moment has arrived. It is here. J.J. Abrams says he has finished the new National Anthem. |
| Garrison: | Turn it up. |
| Bill Keegan: | The anthem is sure to be fresh and exciting while recapturing the moments we all knew and loved. Democratic nominee Turd Sandwich said she will be in attendance to show her support for the rebooted anthem. |
| Garrison: | Ohhh Jeeez. |
| Bill Keegan: | Let's all hope that this new anthem puts our differences aside and unites this nation once again. |
| Garrison: | That's it, Cait. That's what I have to do. I'm gonna sit out the National Anthem on live television. Then everyone will have to vote for that turd sandwich! |
| [The Marsh living room. Randy is relaxing on the sofa with his bunch of member berries.] | |
| Berries: | 'Member Spock? Yeah. 'Member tricorders? I 'member. And 'member Bionic Man? |
| Randy: | Ohh, I 'member. |
| Berry: | Oh I loved Bionic Man [Randy plucks him and eats him.] |
| Berries: | 'Member Chewbacca again? Oh I love to 'member Chewbacca. I 'member. 'Member? Hey hey hey! 'Member when there weren't so many Mexicans? Oh, I 'member. |
| Randy: | Wai- what? |
| Berries: | Yeah, yeah, yeah! 'Member when marriage was just between a man and a woman? I 'member! Oh, I 'member. Oh yeahhh. |
| Randy: | [fondly] I remember that. [catches himself] Wait. |
| Berries: | 'Member feeling safe? 'Member no ISIS? 'Member Reagan? Ohh, I 'member. Ooo, 'member? Ooo, 'member? [Randy sits up and spits out what's left of the berries he's eaten] |
| Randy: | What the fuck's going on with these member berries? |
| [Kyle's bathroom. There's a knock on the door. Kyle is doing his business on the toilet] | |
| Kyle: | Yeah? |
| Cartman: | [opems the door and comes in] Hey broship. Got a minute? |
| Kyle: | What are you doing here?? |
| Cartman: | You were right, Kyle. Okay? I drew the vagina on my face. I tried to fool people, but you keenly noticed my one tiny error in that girls don't have balls. |
| Kyle: | I'n going to the bathroom! |
| Cartman: | Kyle, you have to try and appreciate what I'm doing. I know that a war is coming between us and the girls. I knew it the moment they sat out the National Anthem. |
| Kyle: | [finishes up and hops off the toilet, pulling his pants up] They sat it out because you were harassing them online. |
| Cartman: | Suppose for one second that I'm not skankhunt42. And that I really have been doing what I've been doing to try and stop the damage he has done? |
| Kyle: | Why would you care?! |
| Cartman: | 'Cause I'm scared, Kyle. I don't know if you've noticed, but race wars are back. And now if we get gender wars too?? |
| Kyle: | If we could just prove who the troll was, then the girls wouldn't be wanting a war, would they?! |
| Cartman: | Yeah but... you can't track down an Internet troll, [peers down into the toilet] it's too bad. |
| Kyle: | Just know this, Cartman! I'm going to prove who skankhunt 42 is, whatever it takes! Everyone is going to know! And skankhunt is gonna pay for everything he's! ever! said! |
| [Jim and Mike are back, this time commenting on the '49ers/Panthers game.] | |
| Mike: | Hello everyone, we are live at tonight's game between the '49ers and the Panthers, but of course what everyone is really here for, the unveiling of the new National Anthem rebooted by J.J. Abrams. |
| Jim: | And Mike, this new anthem is said to have everything the old one had but, some new surprises as well. You'd have to be an absolute asshole not to stand and support it. |
| Mike: | This is such a big night for America that both Presidential candidates are here. [Hillary stands up and waves to the camera] There you can see the Turd Sandwich waving to all four people excited by her. [A shot of Garrison and Jenner in their own box, with Garrison waving happily to the crowd] And there's the Giant Douche doing the same. |
| Garrison: | When I sit down to not support this thing I'm sure to lose this election! |
| Announcer: | Ladies and Gentlemen- |
| Garrison: | Here it is! |
| Jim: | And the Anthem begins, let's hope this fixes America. |
| Announcer: | -For our National Anthem we now ask you all in solidarity to please rise. [Garrison sits down] Or sit, or take a knee, in order to honor America. [Kaepernick, who has taken a knee, is as confused as anyone else] |
| Garrison: | Wait a min- what, wait, what? Wait. [tries to strike a pose that isn't standing, sitting, or kneeling, but gets nothing[ |
| Jim: | Ohhh! And J.J. Abrams has absolutely shattered expectations, Mike! Now whether people are standing, sitting, or kneeling, they are all honoring America. J.J. Abrams is a wizard, Tom. A wizard. [Colin Kaepernick is also trying to figure out what to do] |
| Mike: | More people sitting now as Abrams has made it irrelevant. Who saw this coming? |
| Jim: | And there's the rest of the Anthem, all the parts we remembered and loved. J.J. Abrams has fixed America. |
| Garrison: | No, this was supposed to! Oh! OHHH JEEEZ! |
| [Reactions from around the town. At her house, wendy looks at the TV in the living room, then turns left and walks away with an angry look on her face. Babe is in her own bedroom looking at the TV with an angry look on her face too, then clicks off the TV to go to sleep. At the Daniels' house, Nichole watches the anthem with her parents in the living room, and she's looking angry too. She hops off the sofa and walks to her room. Finally, Kyle is in his room staring at the ceiling with an angry look on his face.] | |
| Gerald: | [opens the bedroom door] Hey Kyle. [Kyle looks at him] You okay, son? |
| Kyle: | Yeah Dad. Just thinkin'. |
| Gerald: | Well um, I'll be in my office if you wanna talk. [leaves and closes the door. He walks to his office at the end of the hallway] |
| [Gerald's office. He goes in and closes the door, turns on the radio to a jazz station on 88.1 FM and heads over to his computer, takes a seat, and pours himself some wine. He goes straight to the South Park Elementary Message Board and logs in. His user name? skankhunt42. Once on the board, he gets to work with determinaton on his face. He breaks out in a mischievous smile while he's plugging away] | |
| [End of Member Berries.] |