|
This Channel Has Been Blocked By Parental Controls |
Stan
Kyle
Cartman
Kenny
Craig
Randy and Sharon Marsh
Sheila Broflovski
Terrance and Phillip
Shake Weight Commercial Woman 1 and 2
Michael, BB&B Associate
Reporter
Rosemary
Amanda and Hotline Man, from the Food Network Hotline
Celebrity Chefs
Alton Brown
Bobby Flay
Guy Fieri
Jamie Oliver
Paula Deen
| [The Marsh house, living room, night. Randy and Sharon are watching TV on the sofa, under a blanket] | ||
| Reporter: | Passenger said the Carnival cruise line smelled like poop, but that that was an improvement. | |
| Sharon: | [yawns] All right, it's late. I'm gonna call it a night. [leaves the sofa and heads for their room] You comiong? | |
| Randy: | We, you know, I can't really sleep. I'm just gonna stay up a bit and have some me time. | |
| Sharon: | [going up stairs, she stops and turns around] Randy, do not watch that nono channel. | |
| Randy: | Ugh. I'm not staying up to do that Sharon, jeez! | |
| Sharon: | Alright, come to bed soon. | |
| Randy: | Psseh... huh... [glances at the stairs to see if Sharon is gone, then quickly begins changing channels. He stops at a channel where music is playing] Ohhh... Whoahohoohhh... Man, that is hot... [starts masturbating under the sheet] Oh yeah. Fuck. | |
| Guy Fieri: | [showing off some ribs] Mmm, just look at that rack of ribs; now those are slow-cooked, and then braised to bring out the smokey flavor. | |
| Randy: | Mmm, God damn. Yeah. | |
| Guy Fieri: | [holds up a rib to the camera] See how that just falls off the bone? [eats some more off it] Mmm, that is MONEY right there! | |
| Randy: | Yeah, it's fuckin' money. | |
| Announcer: | Next on Food Network it's Paula Deen ["Paula's Home Cooking"] | |
| Paula Deen: | Hey y'all. Tonight we're gonna be makin' some deep-fried chicken. | |
| Randy: | Aw yeah? | |
| Paula Deen: | Muh buttery whipped potatoes and we're gonna be finishin' off with a chocolate pecan pie | |
| Randy: | Awwwgh. Oh fuck yeah. [still masturbating] | |
| [The Marsh kitchen, morning. Randy's been busy cooking breakfast. Stan, Shelley, and Sharon enter the kitchen] | ||
| Stan: | Dad, what are you doing? | |
| Randy: | Ah! You're just in time! Siddown, siddown! I've made you all breakfast again! | |
| Stan: | Aw crap. [they go to the breakfast table while Randy serves up their dishes] | |
| Randy: | Now, what I have for you is a nice goat-cheese and hierloom tomato frittata. And we're gonna top that with a little crème fraîche. [scoops some out to spread on Stan's plate, slooowly] Aw yeah... Awwww... | |
| Sharon: | [on to him] Randy, you've been watchbing that channel, haven't you?! | |
| Randy: | No! | |
| Sharon: | Yes, because every time you watch cooking shows you stay up all night trying to copy what they made. | |
| Randy: | Well I'm sorry if there's something wrong with me helping out with the cooking! [grabs his coat and heads for the garage. He opens the door and takes a look back] I'd think you'd be grateful, Sharon! I gotta get to work. I cooked, so you guys clean up. [closes the door and leaves. The others look at him leave, then look at the dishes on the counter. That's a lot of bowls] | |
| Stan: | Can I have a Pop Tart? | |
| [The Marsh house, living room, afternoon. Stan and friends are on the sofa watching TV] | ||
| Kyle: | Oh this is sweet. I've seen this episode. | |
| Terrance: | Hello, and welcome to Progressive. [a Progressive spoof] | |
| Phillip: | [with his wife, K] Yes, we're looking to buy car insurance. | |
| Terrance: | Well, you've come to the right place. [fatts on Phillip's face] | |
| Phillip: | Oh dear! I knew we should have gone to Geico! [Kyle says this part with him] Come on, darling, let's get out of here and go there. | |
| Randy: | [quickly arrives, takes off his coat, and takes over. The boys get off the sofa] Daddy time. It's Daddy TV time. | |
| [On TV, a chef presents his latest creation] | ||
| Alton Brown: | Now just look at this pork tenderloin. It is brined and ready for action. | |
| Randy: | Aw yeah, look at that. | |
| Stan: | Dad, you know Mom doesn't want you watching food channels. | |
| Randy: | I worked all day! I can watch what I want! | |
| Alton Brown: | We're gonna take a stick of butter and just smear that all over. | |
| Randy: | [almost breaks a sweat]Oh my God that's awesome! Oh... [looks at the boys, then takes the blanket hanging on the back of the sofa and puts it over his groin, keeping himself in check] Oh, oh. [starts masturbating] ...Yeah. Whoa. | |
| Alton Brown: | Now let's get that on the grill. | |
| Randy: | See what he's doing there, Stan? He brined that for an hour in the fridge, so now he can sear the shit out of it. Whoaoaoaoaoaoaoo. | |
| Alton Brown: | Look at the char we're getting. That, that is what we're going for. | |
| Randy: | Oh, isn't that hot, guys? Ohgh, yeah. Don't you wanna just... Don't you wanna just get in there and... [the boys notice the fierceness in his voice] Wwrrmmmm! Mmmh! | |
| Announcer: | We'll be right back to Good Eats. | |
| [Commercial] | ||
| Woman 1: | Hey ladies, are you looking for a better workout? | |
| Randy: | [the fierceness vanishes] Aww, stupid commercials. | |
| Woman 1: | Introducing the Shake Weight. A spring-loaded workout device you pump with your arms. Just grab the piston and go to work. One-handed or double-fisted. | |
| Randy: | [yawns] Come on! | |
| Woman 1: | You just shake it. Back and forth. | |
| Woman 2: | It feels really good in my hands. | |
| Woman 1: | Best of all, Shake Weight tells you when your workout is finished by chiming and releasing a cool-down spray. [the Shake Weight chimes and gives two squirts of the cool-down spray] | |
| Randy: | Bohh-riiing. | |
| Woman 1: | Order now and we'll include the optional heart rate monitor. Just put your finger in the tester. [a black woman shows how it's done] and Shake Weight takes your pulse. [a white woman finishes her esercises and gets two squirts] Get yours today. | |
| Announcer: | Now back to Good Eats. | |
| Alton Brown: | Just look at the glaze we've got going now on that thing. | |
| Randy: | [back to masturbating] Oh man, yeah, that is hot! Ooomm. | |
| Alton Brown: | Alright now, here's the really cool part. What we're gonna do is- [a short beep is heard and the screen goes blue. In white letters, this appears:] | |
| ||
| Randy: | Channel blocked? [begins clicking channels] What the? The hell? [goes to the master bedroom and finds sharon clicking away on another remote control] Sharon, what are you doing? | |
| Sharon: | Just uring the parental controls to block some channels. | |
| Randy: | I wasn't watching food channels! | |
| Sharon: | Then how do you know I blocked them? | |
| Randy: | Iii know 'cause I don't know that! That's what I'm saying! Gaw! [walks away thwarted and goes to his den. He picks up a cordless phone on the way. He leaves the lights off in there and walks to his desk, dialing a number. He sits down as his call is answered] | |
| Hotline Man: | Thanks for calling the Food Network Hotline. Billing is nine-ninety-five for each sixty-second period. To accept, say "crème fraîche." | |
| Randy: | Crème fraîche. | |
| Amanda: | Hi there, I'm Amanda. What are you up to? | |
| Randy: | Oh hi, I just uh... thought I'd give the hotline a try. What are you doing? | |
| Amanda: | I'm making a pan-roasted chicken. | |
| Randy: | [piqued] Pan-roasted? Like seared on the stove and put in the oven? | |
| Amanda: | Uh huh. I've jsut taken the chicken out of the pan.It's... so moist. I'm gonna let it rest now, about five minutes. | |
| Randy: | Yeah? | |
| Amanda: | Yeah. Ooo, there's lots of brown bits stuck to the bottom of the skillet. | |
| Randy: | You gonna deglaze that fuckin' pan? | |
| Amanda: | Oh I'm gonna deglaze it. You wanna help me? | |
| Randy: | If I was there I would. I'd take some... red wine... 'bout a quarter-cup, and then... a wooden spoon... and I'd deglaze the fuck out of that pan. | |
| Amanda: | I got a wooden spoon right here; it's... pretty hard. [upstairs Sharon picks up the phone to make a call, but she hears the conversation and stops to listen] | |
| Randy: | Yeah you'd... put some onion in while you're deglazing? | |
| Amanda: | I was thinking about shallots, actually. | |
| Randy: | Aw yeah. Shallots won't overwhelm the chicken's natural flavors. Fuck yeah. | |
| Sharon: | Randy! Marsh! | |
| Randy: | WAH! Sharon! | |
| Hotline Man: | Your time on Food Network Hotline has expired. To add more time say "crème fraîche." | |
| [The Broflovski kitchen. Sheila sits at the breakfast table as Sharon paces back and forth wiping some rears from her eyes] | ||
| Sharon: | I don't know what to do, Sheila. It's like he's a different person. Last night I walked in on him in the bathroom. He was sitting on the toilet flambéing a pork chop. | |
| Sheila: | Sharon, I'm so sorry. | |
| Sharon: | It just makes me feel unwanted, you know? I mean, am I not attractive anymore? I mean I don't exercise anymore at all. | |
| Sheila: | Well, if it'll make you feel better about yourself, then work out, Sharon. | |
| Sharon: | Like I have time to go to the gym every day. | |
| Sheila: | There are plenty of things you can buy to get a good workout at home. Have you heard of the Shake Weights? | |
| [Bed, Bath & Beyond, day. Sharon enters the store and hears oooh's and aaah's and sees some women trying out the Shake Weights. She walks up to the display table. A store associate walks up to her] | ||
| Associate: | Help you find anything? [the name tag says Michael] | |
| Sharon: | Oh, yes. I was interested in the Shake Weights? | |
| Michael: | Biggest seller the past four months. What models are you lookin' at? | |
| Sharon: | Oh I didn't realize there were different models. | |
| Michael: | Well you got your standard, your deluxe model, large sizes, but, if you're really lookin' for a workout you might wanna try the Big Jim. That woman over there is trying it out. [the woman is having some difficulty with the large Shake Weight] | |
| Sharon: | I... think I'll start with the smaller white ones. | |
| Michael: | Smalle white ones, yes ma'am. [picks up two different models] Standard or voice assist model? | |
| Sharon: | Well I don't know- | |
| Michael: | I would definitely recomment the voice assist. It has recorded voice commands to help motivate you in your workout. | |
| [The Marsh house, master bedroom. Sharon is working with the Shake Weight now, starting with the right arm.] | ||
| Shake Weight: | You are doing excellent. Great work. Now switch arms. [Sharon switches arms] Wow. Good job. [Sharon begins to gasp for air] You are amazing. You are very attractive and interesting. | |
| Sharon: | Thank you, Shake Weight. | |
| Shake Weight: | Come on now. Almost finished. [Sharon begins to shake the weight faster] Yes. Good. Almost done. [Sharon shakes the weight even faster and begins to grunt] Keep going. Keep going. Harder. Faster. [Sharon's giving it all she's got, and a bell sounds. She gets two squirts] | |
| Sharon: | Hahhh. | |
| Shake Weight: | Your workout is finished. [a different bell sounds and Sharon twists the Shake Weight around to get some change] Here is some cab fare. | |
| Sharon: | Oh wow. | |
| Shake Weight: | Now going to sleep mode. [powers down] | |
| [South Park Elementary cafeteria, day. The boys stand in line for lunch] | ||
| Stan: | You guys have no idea how much it sucks! My dad's obsessed! Every day it's Bobby Flay this, Gordon ramsey that. This morning he was pretending to read Playboy, but he actually had a Bon Appetit magazine hidden inside it! | |
| Cartman: | Well, hearing you bitch about your dad all the time is super-interesting, Stan. I hope you do it during the entire lunch period. [the line moves forward and the boys enter to see... Randy as the school chef] | |
| Randy: | Hello there, children! | |
| Stan: | Awww what?! | |
| Randy: | How's it goin'? [behind him is restaurant-quality cooking equipment] | |
| Stan: | No, dad! No! | |
| Randy: | The school was hiring and I got the job. Isn't that great? | |
| Stan: | Dad, you're a geologist! What about your real job?! | |
| Randy: | I quit. Now, what I have for your starters today is a potato-encrusted scallop with lobster foam. Now we're gonna top that with some crème fraîche. | |
| Cartman: | Lobster foam? [Stan shuts his eyes and buries his nose in his right hand] It says very clearly on the lunch schedule that today is pizza day! | |
| Randy: | Yes, and so this is my take on a pizza. It's an Asian slaw on flat bread, deconstructed and topped with a nice Parmesan aioli. | |
| Stan: | Dad, no! I'm gonna tell Mom. Go back to your otehr job right now! | |
| Randy: | Stan, there's nothing wrong with a man following his passion! [starts spreading the aioli over the pizza] Ooo yeah, fuck yeah. | |
| [The Marsh house, after school. Sharon is in the kitchen washing the mountain of dishes Randy left in the morning and she's not happy about it. Stan opens the front door and enters the living room, closes the door and walks to the kitchen.] | ||
| Stan: | Mom? Mom! You've gotta do smoething! Dad's trying to be our new school chef. | |
| Sharon: | Oh I know! He tried out all his recipes here and left me with the mess! | |
| Stan: | Well you've gotta tell him to stop, Mom! | |
| Sharon: | You think your father's gonna listen to me?! [something begins to beep nearby and Sharon looks at it, then goes to the breakfast table. On it is the beeping Shake Weight] | |
| Shake Weight: | This is a workout reminder. Time for a workout. | |
| Sharon: | Oh, [picks up the weight and begins to shake it] this thing is so great. It reminds me when I haven't worked out in a while. | |
| Shake Weight: | That's it. Work it. Harder, faster. | |
| Stan: | Mom, Dad's food sucks and kids at school are starting to get pissed at me! | |
| Sharon: | [sighs] Sorry Stan, but I need to start doing things for myself! [Stan just looks at her now] | |
| Shake Weight: | You are independent and strong. | |
| Sharon: | Right! I spend all my trying trying to take care of everybody else! | |
| Shake Weight: | Switch arms. | |
| Sharon: | [switch] I don't need to look good to keep your father intereted in me! I'm just going to do it FOR ME! | |
| Shake Weight: | You are so motivated and charming. It is time to take your pulse. Insert finger. [Sharon puts her left index finger into the device.] Do not stop your arms. Keep going. Good. Get your finger up there a little more. Your pulse is a hundred forty-five. [Sharon shakes the weight harder] Faster. Harder. | |
| [South Park Elementary cafeteria kitchen, day. Randy is behind the food counter acting as if he's on TV.] | ||
| Randy: | Who says that school cafeteria food can't be healthy, delicious, and gourmet? Today we're gonna be making the students my tasty baked ziti with basil and fresh [in an Italian accent] mozzarella. It's all right ere right now on Cafeteria Fraîche. | |
| [Montage. Randy beings out some muffins from the oven, then stirs some soup] | ||
| Randy Singing: | La lalala la la... | |
| Randy: | [glazing some marbled beef] Aww, fuck yeah. [next he chops onions] | |
| Randy Singing: | Lalalalala la, fraîche, fraîche. | |
| Randy: | [sniffing the aroma of freshly cooked turkey surrounded by russet potatoes] Ogh, yeah. Man, that ogh... [takes a small torch to some quiches, shows off a new dish on a fnacy plate on a regulare tray, squirts out some dnner roll batter on a cooking sheet, grinds some pepper onto a baked ham, flambés some shrimp, checks out some pork chops he's got cooking in the oven and likes what he sees] | |
| Randy Singing: | Crème fraîche, Cafeteria Fraîche. Lalalalala fraîche. Ho ho hohoho. | |
| Stan: | Dad, what are you doing? | |
| Randy Singing: | [as his head floats across the screen]Fraîche. [a logo finally shows up] | |
|
||
|---|---|---|
| Randy: | Fraîche. | |
| Randy Singing: | Cafeteria Fraîche. | |
| Randy: | Alright now, for my baked ziti we are gonna start off by getting some extra-virgin olive oil into the pan. [does so] Oh yeah, get that all over there. It's all slick. ...It's all wet and slick. Oh... | |
| Craig: | Can we have some food, please? [behind him stand Craig, Kevin, and some more fourth graders] | |
| Randy: | Now olive oil does have a low smoke point, so keep that heat low, and keep it fraîche. [the crew is shown: Stan operates the camera, Kyle the boom mike, Cartman and Kenny the klieg lights. Randy grates the cheese over the ziti] Ohhh, ohh that's so fuckin' hot. Look at that crust, it's perfect. Fuck yeah. | |
| Stan: | Dad! You aren't ever going to be a celebrity chef! | |
| Randy: | Quiet on set, please. | |
| Stan: | No Dad, that's enough! You need to be focusing on getting Mom back! | |
| Randy: | Back from where? | |
| [A beach somewhere. A small table holding a bucket of ice and two Coronas is shown with a chaise longue on either side. On the right one is Sharon, on the left one is the Shake Weight] | ||
| Sharon: | [several seconds pass] Oh, this is so nice. I really needed this. | |
| Shake Weight: | You are so lovely and elegant. You can do anything you set your mind to. | |
| Sharon: | Oh, thanks Shake Weight. | |
| Shake Weight: | You are a go-getter. You are strong and confident. | |
| Sharon: | You're right. | |
| Shake Weight: | Tell me again about the women who you do not like. | |
| Sharon: | Well, Linda Stotch is a real gossiper and Tammy Bretts at work is just a know-it-all. | |
| Shake Weight: | Oh you are so witth and alarmingly insightful. [two beeps] How about a quick workout? | |
| Sharon: | [takes off her glasses] A workout? Right now? | |
| Shake Weight: | Just a quickie. You can do it. | |
| Sharon: | I don't really like working out in public. | |
| Shake Weight: | Come on. You can do it. [Sharon thinks about it, then picks up the weight with her left hand and shakes it. At first she keeps it at a distance, but soon shakes it normally] That's it. good. Keep it up. Feel the burn. Harder. Faster. [Sharon does as told] You are amazing. Switch arms. [Sharon switches] Oh that's it. Yes. You are getting really good at this. You are capable of anything. Harder, faster. [Sharon does as told] I said faster. More. Do it. You are almost there. Home stretch. Oh yes. [a ring and two squirts] Your workout is finished. You cab fare. [pours out some fare onto Sharon's left hand] Now going to sleep mode. [powers down] | |
| [A dressing room at South Park Elementary. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny enter through an open door] | ||
| Kyle: | We really think this is gonna work, Stan. All we have to do is convince your dad that his cooking sucks, right? | |
| Stan: | He's not going to listen to us! We already tried! | |
| Kyle: | He won't listen to us, but he would listen to- Gordon Ramsay. | |
| Cartman: | [on stilts, dressed as Ramsay] Oy! Bebebebebebebe. | |
| Stan: | That's stupid, Cartman | |
| Kyle: | He does kind of look like him dude. And Kenny thinks Cartman's Gordon Ramsay impersonation is really good. | |
| Kenny: | (Yeah, it's really good.) | |
| Kyle: | Let's hear it, Cartman! | |
| Cartman: | Riiight. Simple. rustic. Ya? Wake up! Jesus! Fuck me. You're not a fucking chef! Hoi, right, good, ya. Make a nice, simple, beef Wellington. You're fucking taking a piss ya? Fuck me! You can't cook! | |
| Stan: | You guys, my dad is retarded, but not that retarded. | |
| Randy: | [enters the room] Hey Stan, have you seen my-Oh my God it's Gordon Ramsay! [backs out the door quickly and hides behind the door. Stan walks out to see what he wants] Stan! Do you know who that is in there?! That's the Gordon Ramsay! | |
| Stan: | ...Uh yeah Dad, he'd like to talk to you. | |
| Randy: | Talk to me?! Oh Jesus! | |
| [A hotel room. Sharon is sleeping in bed when something begins to beep. Sharon wakes up and looks around, gets up and goes to the dresser and opens a drawer. Inside, she sees the Shake Weight blinking and beeping. She picks up the weight in her right hand] | ||
| Shake Weight: | You have not worked out in seven hours. | |
| Sharon: | Oh God, not right now. | |
| Shake Weight: | Come on. Let's get to it. | |
| Sharon: | Ugh, I'm tired. | |
| Shake Weight: | You have not worked out in seven hours. | |
| Sharon: | Oh, where is that sleep mode button? | |
| Shake Weight: | Cannot go to sleep mode. You need to work out first. Come on. Just really fast? | |
| Sharon: | Ugghh. | |
| Shake Weight: | Come on. It won't take long. Just a quick workout. Come on. Please. | |
| Sharon: | [sighs] All right. Fine. [a few moments later, with the lights on, she begins shaking the weight] | |
| Shake Weight: | That's it. Good. [Sharon sighs] A little faster. Harder. [Sharon simply switches arm position, but doesn't shake any faster] Come on. Get into it. That's it. Now switch arms. [Sharon switches] You are so attractive and you have interesting things to say. [Sharon saheks the weight faster, but soon has to support her left arm with her right hand] Come on. You are almost there. Fater. Do it faster. [ding, two squirts, kaching, some change] Now going to sleep mode. [powers down] | |
| Sharon: | [relieved] Ahhh. | |
| [South Park Elementary, day. In the cafeteria kitchen, Cartman tries to discourage Randy any way he can] | ||
| Cartman: | [still dressed as Ramsay] What the fuck kind of cook do you think you are?! Are you having a laugh, ey? Hey, you got your fucking head up your arse, don't you?! | |
| Randy: | Yes chef! | |
| Cartman: | Give up, you wanker! You fucking can't cook for shit! | |
| Stan: | Alright Dad, Gordon Ramsay said you suck. It's time to give up. | |
| Randy: | No, Stan! No, Chef! This is my dream! | |
| Stan: | Dad! You aren't ever going to become a celebrity chef, Dad! Give up on your dream! [another camera crew comes in, with another chef] | |
| Bobby Flay: | Uh, excuse me. Randy Marsh? | |
| Randy: | Yes, I- Oh my God, it's Bobby Flay! Stan, that's Bobby Flay! | |
| Bobby Flay: | I heard that Gordon Ramsay had taken an insterest in your cafeteria food. So now I would like to challenge you to a school cafeteria food throwdown! | |
| Randy: | Whoa, are you serious?? [fist pump] Yes, yes! | |
| Alton Brown: | A culinary battle royale is set to explode here in a school cafeteria. Will it be the simple, rustic cafeteria food of the challenger, or will the Iron Chef reign supreme? | |
| Stan: | Hey no, no. All you people get out of here. | |
| Jamie Oliver: | [appears] Hold on. Wait. School cafeteria food needs to be healthy. [begins to cry] Why, why won't people listen to me? | |
| Randy: | Jamie Oliver! | |
| Alton Brown: | And our celebrity sous-chefs, Mario Batali, Paula Deen [she waves], and Giata De Laurentiis with her perky tats and gigantic head. | |
| Kyle: | Can I just get some Goddamned tater tots? | |
| [The hotel, day. Sharon arrives at her hotel room only to find it closed. A sign hangs on the door.] | ||
| Sharon: | "Your room is being serviced"? Ugh, oh well. [enters the room and finds the maid working out with the Shake Weight] Uhh, excuse me? | |
| Rosemary: | Oh, [turns around] uh no, no, [tosses the Shake Weight onto the bed] sorry. I done with cleaning, [runs to her cleaning tray and exits with it] thank you. Please, sorry. [after she leaves Sharon drops her shopping bag and walks to the bed. She corsses her arms and looks at the Shake Weight angrily] | |
| Shake Weight: | ...What's the big deal? She wanted to work out. You never want to work out. I just needed help going to sleep. Mode. ...What? ...What? Come on. What? You are amazing and irreplaceable. What? How about a quick workout? What? [moments later Sharon is on the phone with the manufacturer] | |
| Sharon: | [pacing back and forth] Yeah, I don't care, I just wannan find out how to return my shake Weight! | |
| Shake Weight: | This is ridiculous. Give Shake Weight a break. | |
| Sharon: | Because I want to return it now! I need to know the address of your company. | |
| Shake Weight: | You are enticing and lovely. Tell me again about the women you do not like. | |
| Sharon: | I don't care how long I've had it, I want my money back! | |
| Shake Weight: | You are so forthcoming and delightful. Tell me about which woman at work makes you the angriest. [Sharon stops and glares at it.] | |
| [Montage opener to a special program: closeups of a chef slicing a carrot to bits, another chef working on a pan dish, another grinding meat, another flipping a steak over, another kneading bread] | ||
| Alton Brown: | Tonight, a school cafeteria in Middle America is the stage for a heaveyweight culinary battle. The very best of the best will cook off to find out who... can make the best school cafeteria food. It's... the Hell's Kitchen Nightmares Iron Top Chef Cafeteria Throwdown Ultimate Cookoff Challenge! | |
| Randy: | [walking with a huge metal pot past Mario Batali] Behind you! | |
| Annuoncer: | [looks at Giata De Laurentiis, then turns to face the camera] Whose cafeteria food will win? These chefs are cooking their hearts out and bringing their A-game to serve the kids of this elementary school. [the cafeteria is shown full of kids] These kids have now been waiting over twelve hours for their lucnh. [so it's midnight now] Over at the prep station Jamie Oliver is crying again. | |
| Jamie Oliver: | [on the floor] Kids' food should be healthy. Why ain't it healthy? | |
| Alton Brown: | And back in the kitchen the challenger appears to have lost something. | |
| Randy: | [walking around] Where is it, where is it?? I must have left it at home! [leaves the kitchen, goes through the cafeteria, and leaves] I'll be right back! | |
| Alton Brown: | The challenger has left the cafeteria to find his most important ingredient. | |
| [South Park, night. Randy runs home] | ||
| Randy: | Crème fraîche. Crème fraîche. [comes in through the garage and goes to the refrigerator, opens it, and rifles through the food] Where is it?! Where is it?! [goes to the sofa in the living room and takes off the cushions] Damnit, where is that crème fraîche?! [runs upstairs and into the master bedroom. He goes to the dresser and rifles through the top drawer] Where did I leave that fucking crème fraîche?! It has to be somewhere! | |
| Sharon: | [appearing at the doorway] Randy, I'm back. | |
| Randy: | [looks over his shoulder] Oh thank God! [quickly walks up to her] Sharon! Have you seen my crème fraîche?? | |
| Sharon: | Randy we should talk. | |
| Randy: | I don't have time! I'm cooking right now! | |
| Sharon: | Randy, I don't want our marriage to fail. I don't know how to fix what's wrong, but please, can't we just go to bed and start fresh in the morning? | |
| Randy: | You don't understand, Sharon! I've got Gordon Ramsay up my ass, Bobby Flay out to kick my ass, and the whole world's gonna be watching! I can't sleep! I haven't slept for days! | |
| Sharon: | What d'you say? | |
| Randy: | [stops searching and crosses his arms] I can't sleep, sharon! I'm in work mode! | |
| Sharon: | Can I try something? [some time later...] | |
| [The Marsh house, night, hallway. Randy and Sharon are still in the bedroom, but the door is locked shut] | ||
| Randy: | Oh... Sharon, what are you? Oh! Ohhhohoho, oh. Oh wow! A nice old-fashioned. [Stan walks into view] Oh that, oh that's good! Oh that's it. Yeah! [Stan stops and looks at the door] Now uh, switch arms. [Stan looks away, trying to make sense of what he's hearing] Oohh that's good. Really good. Wow! How'd you get so good at this? [Stan figures it out, turns, and walks away] You're amazing! That's it! Faster! Faster! Awwwgh! ...Awwwww. Awwwww. Haven't had an old-fashioned in a long time. [yawns] Ugh, I'm tired. | |
| Sharon: | You gonna go back to the kitchen? | |
| Randy: | Oh no, fuck that. I'm gonna go to sleep, babe. Here, do you need some money or anything? | |
| Sharon: | No, I'm good, thanks. [smiles] | |
| Randy: | I'll get my old job back tomorrow. Cooking's dumb. I'm just... really sleepy. [closes his eyes] Love you, Sharon. [farts, aaand he's asleep. Sharon remembers something and goes downstairs.] | |
| [The Marsh house, dining room. Her suitcase is on the table. Sharon walks up to her suitcase and opens it up] | ||
| Shake Weight: | I guess my work here is finished. | |
| Sharon: | Shake Weight, you aren't really workout equipment at all, are you? | |
| Shake Weight: | Marriage is important. Keep your man happy. When things are going bad, there's nothing like an old-fashioned to ease his stress. | |
| Sharon: | I'll remember that now, thanks to you. | |
| Shake Weight: | It has been nice getting to know you. How about a quick workout, for old times' sake? Just kidding. I must be going now. Another lovely woman needs me. Goodbye, customer. | |
| Sharon: | Goodbye, Shake Weight. | |
| [End of Crème Fraîche.] |